10 year relationship over

[Rattlerattleshakeshake]

Hi all
guess I’m just a bit sad and wanted to post…

my 10 year relationship has just come to an end, a very emotional end. We have both spent the day crying to each other. We have a DS together who is 7 months.
im not really for things to end, i want to try and salvage things but DP just says from his end he just doesn’t want to try as he doesn’t think things will work.

its so sad because it’s not like we’ve spent the last 7 months fighting like cats and dogs. We’ve bickered here and then and things have taken their toll on us, but we’ve just lost ourselves a little bit and haven’t made time for each other despite my many efforts.
I have been what feels like solo parenting as DP has never really wanted to be home and when we were walking on eggshells with each other splitting up felt right and great, but with how upset we’ve both been today it just feels wrong.

he has already contacted an estate agent so I know that this is the real deal. I just can’t get over it and I just can’t stop crying honestly. How do you get over someone you still love, someone you’ve shared your entire 20s with and someone who has made you laugh uncontrollably for all those years? How do you accept the fact that one day he will do all of this with someone else?

I just can’t help but think that if I hadn’t of caused arguments over silly things, like not picking his pants up every morning, and never helping me with DD, then maybe I wouldn’t have pushed him so far to breaking point.

what a sh*t show.

When you say he has never really wanted to be home, do you mean your do hasn't been home? If that's the case, where has he been?

This is horribly painful for you. Has it come out of the blue?

First of all I just want to send you a massive hug. I'm so so sorry.
Don't blame yourself, telling him go pick up his pants etc won't be the reason so please get that out of your head.
I can't imagine how you're feeling, do you have some support? Family? Friends? Take it all one day at a time and please take care of yourself x

So sorry you are going through this, have you friends and family you can turn to?

But then why would you want to be with someone you had to run around after simply to keep the piece? I can understand your tremendous sadness atm, but after year upon year of picking up after him, I’ve a feeling a very real resentment would certainly begin to grow. You need an equal, you shouldn’t feel as if you need to be a ‘fixer’ in order to keep any relationship alive. You are not solely the reason yr partner is moving on. I do feel for you as you face a huge adjustment, and wish you well.

Thank you all. I do have family and friends, it’s hard to speak to them as they automatically feel they need to ‘side’ with me and it’s just nice to talk to strangers who don’t know anything.

DP has said for a few weeks he’s miserable and he has for months been working over time to avoid coming home so it’s not out of the blue it has been building for sometime I just can’t really work out why and what I’ve done so wrong. Things just changed when I fell pregnant and never went back to how they were. I think he has been checked out for a while sadly….

but thank you, hopefully this storm passes.

My relationship ended last year after 27 years together. The easy bit was knowing it was over as I stopped loving him in an instant after the realisation of what his words meant.

Can you reframe things? It doesn't matter what went before. The years of laughter. It's all meaningless if he can leave because life got hard because a baby came along and you were sick of picking up his dirty pants and what are you talking about with the helping you with DD? Are you helping him when you look after her? No, never is it said a mum is helping the father when she gets in from work or a lunch out. It is called parenting. Stop blaming yourself immediately.

sorry for the crap formatting. My iPad has gone rogue.

I'm sorry but my partner of 11 years gave me this spiel when he was on his second affair who he left me for. Also very actively looking for somewhere else to live etc as if the prospect of moving on was exciting and not devastating as it was to me.

I'm sorry he hasn't stepped up to being the parent he should be.

Sorry Op . This is probably the last thing you want to hear but there may be someone else .

Having a new baby is bloody hard work and can test the best of relationships but something sounds fishy about him "crying" to you about not wanting to split up and yet being on the phone to state agents ...

Good luck and I hope things work out for you and your baby

I’d get really fucking angry OP. Your baby is very very young and he is bailing out - for what reason - mostly likely doesn’t like the whole dad/family thing/might have another woman on the go/might be bored/might be looking for exciting.

To not at least try when there is a young baby is the shittest thing you can do.

Mourn for the person you thought he was - not who he is in reality. If he was amazing - he wouldn’t be doing this now.

What’s he going to do about child care? What’s he going to do about child maintenance? These are all important things you should be thinking about because I’d bet my house on it he checked out ages ago and I’d already looking at his future - wity out you in it

Dont shed a single tear over him

Thanks so much.
yeah he did actually say to me that he is unhappy as he doesn’t like that he has to come home from work not just be able to sit on the sofa (he obviously cooks dinner as I do everything else with DD). So I guess you’re right in saying he’s bailing out as he doesn’t like the whole family and dad thing.

childcare he has said to me he’s happy for me to have her living with me and he will see her as and when he can, not overly fussed.

I think I have just fallen into a rut of crying over what was and not what is. @BirthdayRainbow You have hit the nail on the head and I need to take a leaf out of your book.

Not overly fussed???

Any love I had would go in than instant which would make it very easy to file for divorce. Sorry.

My kids are 18+ and STBEH is being awful and it makes me despise him all the more. Do what you want to me as I'm winning as don't have to live with you anymore but treat my kids badly? Not a fucking chance.

Why the heck should you be picking up his dirty pants? Be glad you haven't spend the last twenty years with him!!

Yeah I bet he is happy with her living with you and seeing her when he can.

What a great time he is going to have in his bachelors pad whilst your left holding the baby.

Times are going to get really really tough for you. You’re going to have nights where the baby doesn’t sleep or is unwell and he’s left you to do it all whilst he will be out dating.

Thats the reality of it.

Apply for CM tonight.

He is a shit father and a slob. Plus he is probably having an affair.

I know it doesn't look like this now, but you'll be better off in the long run on your own. This man was never going to meet your needs or your daughter's.

Just make sure you get every penny due to you. Don't let him get away with not paying child maintenance and childcare.

Don't let him get away with leaving you to do all the parenting!

Yes, it will be tough for you to not be with your little one sometimes but he needs to step up and do some of the work & look after his child a fair amount of the time.
Otherwise he will have all the freedom to do what he wants, when he wants and you will be tied to a small child.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know you love him but this is a crap way for him to treat you.
Be strong and stand up for yourself. He is a parent to your child too and he needs to take responsibility - financial and practical.

How awful for you, I’m so sorry.

It’s terrible that you’re blaming yourself, even though what you’ve written suggests he’s been the uncaring, selfish one.

He should consider it a privilege and a pleasure to come home to his family. But he resents being unable to plonk himself on the sofa and do nothing, or having to clean up after himself? I mean, how utterly pathetic.

I know how it feels to tie yourself in knots wondering what you could have done differently to save the relationship - but this is wasted effort, and in time you’ll see he isn’t worth it.

It doesn’t matter what the reason is - whether he’s met someone else or the relationship has run it’s course - leaving you emotionally and physically alone with a young baby is brutally cruel.

Did you agree to have this child together OP or was it an accident?

Or you do 100% of the work and he pays 100% of what a nanny would be..

I mean not really but what a twat.

As someone who has just separated from their partner with our baby being only 14 months old. I have to say that having a baby massively changes things. I know for me my partner wasn't attracted to me any more after I had his child and it was awful to realise that. I know I could have lost the weight etc but it was also the spontaneity going and the fact that he was too emotionally immature to be happy about his new family life and just wanted to live the selfish single life he'd had for so many years.

I also think your partner probably has either met someone else or has someone else in mind who he is into. This would explain the late nights and the pushing for the separation and move instead of continuing to work on things.

I am so sorry and I know the pain of what you are going through - right now my baby is with her dad for the first night I've ever been away from her in 14 months - and I do EVERYTHING for my child so the anxiety that he has her when he has no clue is huge. But in all honesty, my baby is the best thing that has happened to me and if my ex can't be happy with our little family unit then he doesn't deserve to be in it and can just see her when I allow him to.

It's so tough but you will be OK.

@Jonisaysitbest Thank you so much - I have been solo parenting and he’s been living his life since LO was born so I can’t imagine anything I say will make him appreciate LO and want to spend that time. Luckily I have my parents who are always there for me.

@EveningSpread thank you! Quite frankly I have always felt the same, that coming home to a house with food, a happy baby, and a loving girlfriend must be a privilege in life but sadly it seems it’s always been a chore to him.
thank you for your compassion, although you are right that going over this isn’t going to do me any good.
and the decision to have a baby was joint. We tried for about a year as I was told during my teen’s that I wouldn’t be able to conceive. Sadly I think the idea of a baby seemed better than the reality to him.

@chelsea912 thank you so much for your kind words. It’s awful isn’t it. I have been questioning whether he loves me and is attracted to me for really quite some time now. So I guess now I’m talking about it with you all it’s making me realise that things haven’t been right for longer than I probably think. It’s like a switch flipped in his head from the day I had my LO. I even went back through my texts like a saddo from the days before I gave birth and the instant change was bizzare. I hope that you are doing ok tonight with your first night away form your LO, whilst I totally get how worried you must feel, I also hope you’re managing to get a bit of time for yourself….

He sounds like an absolute idiot. Does he have a good male role model? someone needs to sit him down and talk some sense into him.

does he have trauma around being a dad? was he abandoned as a child by his own father? it's quite a common pattern for men who's father abandoned them to have a sort of mental panic and do the same, rather than choosing to step into the father role themselves. Therapy can help.

@BlessedKali Hey, he doesn’t have any trauma. His dad has always been present but has always had a ‘women cook and clean’ mentality. His mum has always ironed his socks and pants and basically wiped his arse for him so I’m not overly shocked that he’s been useless when it comes to baby.

When a man has abandonment trauma and repeats the pattern, it's fixable and those men, when they allow themselves to step into the shoes of the father they never had... they can become great fathers and cherish this moment.

Your situation however... just sounds like a lazy man, not responsible and not willing to do the work.

I had a baby with a man, left the (horrible) father at 7 months... and met another incredible man when my child was 1 year old. My current partner is so grateful to have a family, he works hard, and tries his best to be the best dad. This is 6 years down the line and two more children later.

You deserve the best, it's out there for you xx

You did not "cause arguments" over him "not looking after DD" - he failed to step up as a parent. Sadly he has not proved to be father material and that is so hard for you. I honestly think that once the initial hurt has eased, you and your DD will have a much happier life. It is a shame that this is the way things have turned out and I am sending a hand hold.