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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

10 year relationship over

62 replies

Rattlerattleshakeshake · 18/05/2024 20:26

Hi all
guess I’m just a bit sad and wanted to post…

my 10 year relationship has just come to an end, a very emotional end. We have both spent the day crying to each other. We have a DS together who is 7 months.
im not really for things to end, i want to try and salvage things but DP just says from his end he just doesn’t want to try as he doesn’t think things will work.

its so sad because it’s not like we’ve spent the last 7 months fighting like cats and dogs. We’ve bickered here and then and things have taken their toll on us, but we’ve just lost ourselves a little bit and haven’t made time for each other despite my many efforts.
I have been what feels like solo parenting as DP has never really wanted to be home and when we were walking on eggshells with each other splitting up felt right and great, but with how upset we’ve both been today it just feels wrong.

he has already contacted an estate agent so I know that this is the real deal. I just can’t get over it and I just can’t stop crying honestly. How do you get over someone you still love, someone you’ve shared your entire 20s with and someone who has made you laugh uncontrollably for all those years? How do you accept the fact that one day he will do all of this with someone else?

I just can’t help but think that if I hadn’t of caused arguments over silly things, like not picking his pants up every morning, and never helping me with DD, then maybe I wouldn’t have pushed him so far to breaking point.

what a sh*t show.

OP posts:
lhlh · 18/05/2024 22:31

OP there are warning flags here.

This is a man who cannot be arsed picking up his own pants or looking after his baby or postpartum partner.

BUT - he can be arsed to contact an estate agent. And this indicates that there is some urgency to the situation from his end. I would bet that it's another woman. You probably won't think this, but objectively that is the most likely conclusion.

Other than that, the advice is not to end a relationship (in the absence of abuse) during the first two years of a baby's life. The adjustments and upheaval are massive and therefore ending things during the baby's first two years is often a huge mistake. And the difficulties would be ironed out as the child grew older.

You have not caused this by asking him to pick up his pants or look after his own child.

I will warn you that your statement of "one day he will do all of this with someone else" is coming much much sooner than you think. He already has someone. Otherwise he wouldn't be leaving his partner of 10 years and baby.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 18/05/2024 22:35

So the first separation admin task he's done is contact an estate agent? Is this to sell your house?

It doesn't appear so far that he is concerned about your welfare, or that of your baby.

The scales will fall from your eyes once he's gone, but in the meantime, you must start a CM claim.

CheekyHobson · 18/05/2024 22:55

I just can’t help but think that if I hadn’t of caused arguments over silly things, like not picking his pants up every morning, and never helping me with DD, then maybe I wouldn’t have pushed him so far to breaking point.

How about if he hadn’t disrespected his partner by leaving his dirty clothes on the floor for her to deal with and failed utterly in his responsibility as a father by never contributing to the care of his own child, maybe you wouldn’t have had to keep asking him to be a decent partner and parent?

BirthdayRainbow · 18/05/2024 22:58

2 years? Fuck that. If he can't be a grown up now then why the hell should she put up with two years of nothing. No. Call it a day now. @lhlh whose advice?🙄

Original poster
Rattlerattleshakeshake · 18/05/2024 23:11

Thank you ladies honestly all your words are ringing true and I totally agree with everything you are saying

@BirthdayRainbow totally agree. I can’t put up with being a solo parent, whilst living with said other parent, running around after him, emotionally confused walking on eggshells around someone who is miserable and never wants to be around me. I think the upheave will be better in the long run for my LO than saying for another 2 years in the hopes things improve.

OP posts:
lhlh · 18/05/2024 23:12

BirthdayRainbow · 18/05/2024 22:58

2 years? Fuck that. If he can't be a grown up now then why the hell should she put up with two years of nothing. No. Call it a day now. @lhlh whose advice?🙄

I don't remember whose advice. I imagine I saw it on here many years ago. However, it's pretty common knowledge (and on the NHS website even) that having a baby can cause serious relationship strain, but that the baby stage will pass.

There's no need to put an eye roll at me. I am trying to help the OP.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/05/2024 23:14

Rattlerattleshakeshake · 18/05/2024 20:38

Thank you all. I do have family and friends, it’s hard to speak to them as they automatically feel they need to ‘side’ with me and it’s just nice to talk to strangers who don’t know anything.

DP has said for a few weeks he’s miserable and he has for months been working over time to avoid coming home so it’s not out of the blue it has been building for sometime I just can’t really work out why and what I’ve done so wrong. Things just changed when I fell pregnant and never went back to how they were. I think he has been checked out for a while sadly….

but thank you, hopefully this storm passes.

He's a prick. How dare he avoid being at home to help with his baby just because of his own selfies feelings. You deserved better than that.

What's your plan for coparenting?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/05/2024 23:14

WhamBamThankU · 18/05/2024 20:43

I'm sorry but my partner of 11 years gave me this spiel when he was on his second affair who he left me for. Also very actively looking for somewhere else to live etc as if the prospect of moving on was exciting and not devastating as it was to me.

I was wondering this too but thought does she need to hear it now.
'Working overtime' hmmm

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/05/2024 23:17

Sorry just read 'he will see her as and when he can' what a prick. Hes awful. You need a formal schedule and he needs to have days (and nights if you're ready) of hard work with her that he commits to while you rest and heal and date.

My baby's father was similar to how yours sounds and he left me at 8m pregnant. I know how scary it feels to be single with a baby but you'll be ok xxx

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/05/2024 23:18

@BlessedKali I love your story xx

Original poster
Rattlerattleshakeshake · 18/05/2024 23:19

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/05/2024 23:14

He's a prick. How dare he avoid being at home to help with his baby just because of his own selfies feelings. You deserved better than that.

What's your plan for coparenting?

Show quote history

It’s actually selfish of him even now to put his own feelings of being unhappy before mine and deciding to split knowing the amount of stress and upset this will cause for me.

coparenting ? No plan. Still solo parenting but he will just text whenever he wants to see LO. He can’t agree to times or days because he always wants to be at work / even on days when he’s resting if they call him, he’s there in a flash. So I would imagine he will see LO maybe once a week possibly less. He hasn’t given up his football and pub Sundays since I gave birth so I can’t imagine he will now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rattlerattleshakeshake · 18/05/2024 23:23

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/05/2024 23:17

Sorry just read 'he will see her as and when he can' what a prick. Hes awful. You need a formal schedule and he needs to have days (and nights if you're ready) of hard work with her that he commits to while you rest and heal and date.

My baby's father was similar to how yours sounds and he left me at 8m pregnant. I know how scary it feels to be single with a baby but you'll be ok xxx

we’ve agreed no nights and he also was more than happy with that as he did say he finds LO to much hard work. I will definitely put set days in soon, I need to get my own head straight first.

dating…. Oh god. I think at this point I will likely never find love again. How do you even date and meet someone new as a single mum?!

oh bless you 8m pregnant that is awful. Well done you for going strong, and thank you so much. Isn’t it so tough when you just don’t expect it … xx

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 18/05/2024 23:24

He has treated you appallingly. To be so uncaring and decide to abandon you after you've just had his child.
I hope you can seek counselling. But just know it's better to see him for who he is now. You can move on with your life under no illusions you made the wrong decision to go along with the split. Focus on you and your baby. You will find someone who loves and treat you right in the future, I'm sure.
He's a fool for losing you and his beautiful baby. But your life will be better without him.

Original poster
Rattlerattleshakeshake · 18/05/2024 23:25

BlessedKali · 18/05/2024 22:22

When a man has abandonment trauma and repeats the pattern, it's fixable and those men, when they allow themselves to step into the shoes of the father they never had... they can become great fathers and cherish this moment.

Your situation however... just sounds like a lazy man, not responsible and not willing to do the work.

I had a baby with a man, left the (horrible) father at 7 months... and met another incredible man when my child was 1 year old. My current partner is so grateful to have a family, he works hard, and tries his best to be the best dad. This is 6 years down the line and two more children later.

You deserve the best, it's out there for you xx

Show quote history

This is truly lovely. If I was ever this lucky I would be eternally grateful to whoever is looking out for me up there. But with my luck lately, I can’t see it happening! … thank you so much though xx

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 18/05/2024 23:26

Still solo parenting but he will just text whenever he wants to see LO. He can’t agree to times or days........

No, OP. Fuck that shit.

You make a definite plan and he sticks to it.

Although he'll probably be too busy with his other woman to see his baby.

Original poster
Rattlerattleshakeshake · 18/05/2024 23:27

BobbyBiscuits · 18/05/2024 23:24

He has treated you appallingly. To be so uncaring and decide to abandon you after you've just had his child.
I hope you can seek counselling. But just know it's better to see him for who he is now. You can move on with your life under no illusions you made the wrong decision to go along with the split. Focus on you and your baby. You will find someone who loves and treat you right in the future, I'm sure.
He's a fool for losing you and his beautiful baby. But your life will be better without him.

Edited

Thank you so much. I started this post feeling really down and out and I must say, I’m feeling pretty empowered by all you wonderful women.
you are really right. I hope one day he wakes up and realises that the grass wasn’t greener, but honestly I think he’s waiting for the day he can see the back of me and spend all his time at work and in the pub with mummy dearest ironing his PJ’s.

OP posts:
sunflowrsngunpowdr · 18/05/2024 23:33

lhlh · 18/05/2024 22:31

OP there are warning flags here.

This is a man who cannot be arsed picking up his own pants or looking after his baby or postpartum partner.

BUT - he can be arsed to contact an estate agent. And this indicates that there is some urgency to the situation from his end. I would bet that it's another woman. You probably won't think this, but objectively that is the most likely conclusion.

Other than that, the advice is not to end a relationship (in the absence of abuse) during the first two years of a baby's life. The adjustments and upheaval are massive and therefore ending things during the baby's first two years is often a huge mistake. And the difficulties would be ironed out as the child grew older.

You have not caused this by asking him to pick up his pants or look after his own child.

I will warn you that your statement of "one day he will do all of this with someone else" is coming much much sooner than you think. He already has someone. Otherwise he wouldn't be leaving his partner of 10 years and baby.

It's brutal but I agree with this. Mentality prepare yourself and make sure he pays his fair share. Don't let him walk away without having finances sorted.

Ineedaholidayyyy · 18/05/2024 23:38

I'm really sorry you are feeling devastated at the loss of this relationship.

He has treated you horribly and is a terrible father, he can't be arsed spending time with you or his child. He stays at work late , out all day on Sunday playing football and drinking at the pub, avoiding family life wherver possible . He is happy to see your child 'as and when' it suits him 😤

You and you daughter deserve so much better.

CoffeeAndPeanuts · 19/05/2024 00:04

(((Hug)))

it will be some time before you realise you're far better off without him, but you are.

Cherchez la femme. There will be another woman (sorry x)

it's nothing to do with wanting/expecting/demanding he picks up after himself.

its actually nothing to do with you at all, look how often celebrities & absolutely shunning women with 'staff' get cheated on/left.

you & DD will be a tight little unit, you'll be fine 🤗🌷

BobbyBiscuits · 19/05/2024 01:04

@Rattlerattleshakeshake I'm so pleased you're feeling empowered. You've definitely made the right decision to stay away from him.
He's immature and nobody wants a mummy's boy, especially one incapable of handling parenthood! If he wants a relationship with your child then cross that bridge when it comes.
Stay strong. You and baby are the focus now. You can feel the weight of his burden off your shoulders I hope. X

EveningSpread · 19/05/2024 09:42

OP, it just gets worse with everything you write. It’s clear he’s totally checked out. I can’t imagine how hard things have been for you since giving birth. It should be such a special time and he’s totally ruined that for you.

My ex was similarly selfish - wouldn’t even put the hoover round for me when I was recovering from a slipped disc. I got out of that relationship and am now pregnant with my current partner who is so looking forward to being a dad: he talks about it all the time, is taking 6 months paternity leave, and already got a job with more sociable working hours so he can do nursery runs. This is what you deserve - everyone does.

I’m really glad to hear you’re not beating yourself up anymore and have found some anger and resolve! You’ll be better off without him, he’s a dead weight and an emotional drain. I’m so sorry it’s turned out like this for you but it can only get better from here.

Littlestminnow · 19/05/2024 09:53

The instant change in his texts is very likely the point at which he met the other woman. OP, out of the dozens and dozens of threads I've read where the man upped and left, I can't think of a single one where it didn't turn out there was another woman waiting in the wings. Sorry.

Disturbia81 · 19/05/2024 11:11

Definitely met someone or can't wait to get his dick wet again. Yuck.

BirthdayRainbow · 19/05/2024 14:55

lhlh · 18/05/2024 23:12

I don't remember whose advice. I imagine I saw it on here many years ago. However, it's pretty common knowledge (and on the NHS website even) that having a baby can cause serious relationship strain, but that the baby stage will pass.

There's no need to put an eye roll at me. I am trying to help the OP.

Show quote history

How is it helping? This is not the usual normal strains of a new baby where both parents understand the tiredness, the pressure, that there might be odd bickering and they take on the load and support each other.

This is a man who "isn't fussed" about seeing his baby and doesn't want to try.

I have been on here on and off for 19 years and no one has ever said, stick out a shit relationship for two years after a baby arrives as it is hard but will then be wonderful.

BirthdayRainbow · 19/05/2024 14:58

Baby's are not optional pick and choose options. She is literally in need of everything from her parents. Both of them.

Start as you mean to go on and that means making it very clear he doesn't get to decide everything.