I ruined a good relationship

[JamSandle]

I don't want to go into much detail on the relationship but I ruined the healthiest relationship I've ever had. I did it intentionally (self sabotage and self destruction) and now that it's over, I feel absolutely broken. It's all my fault it ended. And I'm so sad that after being treated so badly by men, I have treated the one guy who was amazing to me so badly.

How can I move forward from this?

Learn from it, and adjust your behaviour

I dont know how to forgive myself. He was such a good guy.

It's too late. He is very firm that the relationship is over and I don't blame him.

I dont know how to forgive myself. He's a good man and I've hurt him and what for? I feel swallowed up with shame, guilt and regret. I'm in so much pain and I caused it all myself.

I don't think it comes down to forgiveness, it's knowing there are consequences to your actions and learning to do better

And how do I manage the feelings? If you have any guidance on that it would be helpful.

What did you do? Is it really that bad? Sometimes relationships just don't work out and people aren't right for each other, even though they're both good people.

I dont really want to go into details but basically lying/withholding things/emotional cheating.

I do know they have consequences. I cant really excuse my behaviour. I have a history of being in abusive relationships. Dad has been emotionally abusive.

Then it is time to get therapy and take responsibility for your actions and choices and not blame others. This man did nothing wrong yet you punished him for others abuse.

As harsh as it sounds, you just need to suck it up and get on with it.

Yep. This thread is potentially an exercise in justification and self indulgence that won’t help you in the long run. Invest in professional help. Stay single until you’ve done that.

I think self reflection is key. Why did you do the things you did? Why did you want to sabotage the relationship?

I'm in so much pain and I caused it all myself

This is not true. People who are not hurt do not self sabotage, so the pain was there first, and it was caused to you, not by you.

The way that you deal with the feelings is to learn about why you did this: there will be reasons, good reasons, and it will be totally understandable.

You say your dad was emotionally abusive... how did/does his abuse make you feel?

I have a therapy session booked for Monday. I dont want to be this way anymore.

To your question...angry, hateful, unworthy.

It's happened now and the good thing is you know where you went wrong and are taking responsibility.
Therapy will help you understand why and the reasons you felt the way you did to cause the way you acted.
Don't keep punishing yourself , it will keep you stuck

I think you need to accept that at a deep level you weren’t able to be in relationship.

you need counseling as to why you self-sabotaged otherwise you will do the same the next time.

That will allow you to forgive.

This is so tough OP. I imagine the feelings of shame, guilt and regret were around for you also in previous relationships with the guys who did not treat you right ? Feeling like that might be the familiar experience you've managed to re-create. Try and be self- compassionate instead of turning harshly against yourself. Well done for booking a therapy session and wanting to work on this. You are on your way !!

Time is the best healer, but it does sound like therapy have booked was a wise move too.
It might be worth apologising to the ex and explaining why you did what you did - not to win him back, but so he can understand why you’ve hurt him.

Being cheated on is horrible (even emotionally) so I think it’s important he knows he wasn’t the issue too - he’s probably just as upset as you are.

Good luck!

I have decided to do this this morning. I want to change. I dont want to be this person anymore.

Invest in healing yourself from past relationship trauma so you don't bring into the next one. And start by being kind to yourself, when you can be kind to yourself, you can be kind to others.