I ruined a good relationship

[JamSandle]

I don't want to go into much detail on the relationship but I ruined the healthiest relationship I've ever had. I did it intentionally (self sabotage and self destruction) and now that it's over, I feel absolutely broken. It's all my fault it ended. And I'm so sad that after being treated so badly by men, I have treated the one guy who was amazing to me so badly.

How can I move forward from this?

Thank you. I'm ready now. I never want to do this to someone, or to myself, again.

I understand how hard it can be when you have trauma in your past. But I think that once you acknowledge that, it means that it's not okay to use it as an excuse any more. "I did this awful thing to someone because x happened to me" isn't helpful unless you do something to stop it happening again. I was far, far happier and nicer once I stopped blaming my past, and started realising that the buck stops with me. No "I cheated because I..." No. It's "I cheated." Full stop.

I'm ready to acknowledge that now.

As the saying goes - hurt people, hurt people.

It's good that you've established this is what's going on for you. It seems like you now have a journey to go on. Firstly to heal and secondly to
...be all that you need. That's going to take time.

But your life here is to become the best version of you. Someone who is for the most part - moral, kind, healed and loves herself. Those things need to be your top priority, always. Only then will dating people be healthy.

Hurt people, hurt people.

That's an excuse.

My childhood was so bad I could claim all sorts of reasons for treating others badly. I was badly hurt, I carry many of the scars now and to a degree might always but I don't hurt anyone else. I don't need to choose not to hurt anyone else. It just doesn't cross my mind to. You choose to hurt someone when you do it.

That's an excuse

It's an explanation that doesn't excuse anybody, so it can't be an excuse. Hurt people do hurt people. They can recognise what's going on, learn about what's actually happening, and make changes, but that doesn't happen in an instant, and nor does it mean that their hurting others has no impact or consequence. But it does explain.

@BirthdayRainbow

It's a shame everybody isn't just like you, right?

Well I am pretty awesome but I take your point that sometimes hurt people hurt others but I make the point it doesn't have to be that way. There is still a choice element. Even to ask for help so you don't hurt anyone again. Everyone knows right from wrong.

@BirthdayRainbow

You seem to think everybody, including those damaged in their childhood, has the ability to know, understand, and execute 'what is right'. Why on earth would you think that? Most people have lost their shit at least once, so they understand what that feels like.

I agree that hurt people need to take responsibility for their behaviour, but the choice element isn't as clear cut as you seem to think. It might have been for you, and if so, you're very lucky. But for many, it's a murky journey and it's hard to see through conditioning, for us all.

I was in a long relationship
with a lovely, fantastic, but very damaged man. He was so sure that he was ultimately unlovable that he made it a self fulfilling prophecy, setting ‘tests’ by doing hard to love things to prove that I didn’t love him after all.

I wish he had sought therapy. But he was too scared even to face that what happened to him was wrong. There’s a section in Baby Reindeer that explains self destructive behaviour following abuse so well.

Be brave OP, it’s good you are getting professional support to look after yourself.

@Watchkeys Because no one ever taught me right from wrong but somehow I worked it out for myself. I'm not getting into it but believe me there is no luck involved in my life. I've had every kind of negative situation going. Maybe the luck is I'm very intelligent with bundles of emotional intelligence but it has been hard won to get to the point where I won't take any shit from anyone. I never took out the bad hand I was given on anyone else.

it is not about losing your shit once. Even people with very charmed lives will lose their temper at times. That's just life. What shouldn't be just life is people hurting someone else just because they are hurting.

What shouldn't be just life is people hurting someone else just because they are hurting

That's a very momentary view of the issue. What about 'damaged people hurt people'? I have been a damaged person who hurt people. I had a lot of negative stuff in my childhood too. Just because you popped out of home at 18 and started treating everybody with the utmost respect, doesn't mean that I could have done that. I had counselling in my 40s because I had no idea why everything kept going wrong, and guess what? I was hurting people, including myself, without having the awareness, despite bundles of emotional intelligence and intelligence, that I was doing it. It's not like 'I stood on your toe because i just banged my head', it's that, having been raised with no awareness at all of how a healthy relationship looks, we can arrive into adulthood doing what we're evolved to do: copy our parents until we have enough experience of the world to know better.

There's not that much emotional intelligence going on in anybody who thinks that childhood conditioning can simply be decided against in the moment, or that poor childhood condition doesn't hurt people. It's quite a naive view. 'Hurt people hurt people' isn't an excuse for people who think 'Well, you hurt me, so I'll hurt you!!' followed by a punch in the face. It's an explanation of why we need to demonstrate healthy relationships to our kids, because if we don't, they will copy us, and it will cause pain, to them and to others.

I didn't have a home so I certainly didn't pop out at 18 etc @Watchkeys

I have hurt and damaged myself and now understand why so it definitely is all a learning curve and I don't do those things anymore. Usually when letting others hurt me as I thought they were better and knew better.

I understand your points, you don't appear to understand mine but that fine. I don't need you to and tbh something has come up that I need to deal with so I respectfully say, we will agree to have different thoughts and opinions but it has been an interesting discussion thought the sneery comments weren't necessary to make your points. Good evening.

@BirthdayRainbow

No, I don't understand your point that damaged people only hurt themselves, using your example of yourself as the example, having never hurt anybody.

Your sneeriness wasn't necessary either.

Have a great day.

That's not what I said but whatever.

I think he wasn't the one, truly if he was you wouldn't have messed it up.

You're just struggling to resolve your guilty feelings, doesn't mean he's for you however nice he is.

I can relate, I lost a good relationship partly due to my own actions, having been abused in childhood. Its a devastating thing to come to terms with. For me I learned that my actions were due to a dissociative disorder caused by the abuse, and I'm working very hard in therapy to heal. I can't undo but I can prevent the same thing happening again.

I'm sorry you're going through this 💐

I'm feeling really awful today. Full of shame, guilt, sadness, disgust, regret, fear. I have therapy later. I'm just so sad the relationship is over.

Are you able to say more about this?

It's irrelevant if he was 'The One' or not - cheating is a vile thing to do to anyone. I suggest you get some help and avoid hurting people in the future, as there really is NO excuse.

Always someone who hasn't read anything and says something unhelpful. Hope its made you feel good.

One of the biggest problems was the loneliness and lack of people understanding - a lot of people don't understand the impact of childhood trauma, and will give stock responses, as shown by some of the responses on this thread unfortunately.

Either people say "well the relationship can't have been that great" which I think oversimplifies this kind of situation - sometimes you really were a good match but unable to overcome the huge weight that trauma adds to a relationship.

Or they blame you. People agree that child abuse is awful, but the moment an adult survivor makes mistakes due to that abuse, they tell you you can't blame the past, it's no excuse, you ought to be over it. The nature of trauma is that it's not straightforward to overcome, it takes hard work and high quality long term therapy, that's not easy to find. Particularly long term abuse from a caregiver or figure of trust.

We don't know the OP's ex, but I suspect you are right. Too many people with a history of abusive relationships believe they owe a debt of gratitude to the first non-abusive partner that comes along, and beat themselves up for sabotaging a relationship that they should never have been in in the first place.

I dumped the first non-abusive partner I had, on a pretty trumped-up pretext. My family thought I was mad, and on the face of it they were right: I was a poor unemployed single parent who nobody had ever wanted anything to do with other than to use and abuse, and he was a pleasant man with a respectable job and paid off house.
But what nobody knew was how self centred this eccentric eternal bachelor was (unintentionally, and with no unkindness towards anybody) and how he gave me just about every ick imaginable. Occasionally something reminds me of him, and I shudder. 😂Although I regret not extricating myself in a classier manner, I'm bloody glad I did it. Whatever the differences in her personal situation, I think the OP may come to feel the same.

Well tbh @JamSandle you posted on a public forum to garner opinions. This is fairly certain to include ones that you don't like, especially given the nature of the issue. I did say you should get some help - I'm not sure how that is unhelpful. Cheating IS a vile thing to do to someone and, yes, I have read your entire thread. Whatever your justification, I personally believe it is never going to be anything other than a shit thing to do to a partner. You are a grown up. You are in control of your actions.

OP you're never going to heal if you don't forgive yourself. You're not a bad person, you made mistakes. Forgive yourself and commit to sorting yourself out so you don't behave the same in future relationships. Write your ex an apology letter (don't send) and say whatever it is you want to say then commit to healing yourself.

I almost drove my relationship with a thoroughly decent and loving man into the ground with self sabotage, we briefly broke up. I did eventually have therapy sessions and my dp is incredibly patient with his own damaged background so he understood it.

I don't think it's possible to avoid the feelings? I think they're probably meant to be there. But if you're going to acknowledge the mistakes you've made, be decent enough to yourself to acknowledge the fact that you're working on it.

Things will gradually get better, you'll like yourself again. Sometimes emotional rock bottom is the only way to get out of the hole x