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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Accused of cheating

90 replies

Nl88 · 17/05/2024 21:02

My partner has told me that someone has sent him information about me, he is alluding to it being about me cheating. He won’t tell me who sent it, what it even is, not a single detail but is telling me to come clean and be honest. I have not did a single thing I cannot understand what this would be at all and it concerns me that it is false and I can’t take any action regarding it and can’t understand why my partner won’t provide me with any detail. This is not the first time it’s happened. The last time put me through hell I felt like I was going insane trying to prove my innocence but didn’t even know what I was trying to disprove, it drove me crazy and I am still suffering the effects of that time and it’s happening again. It makes no sense at all and I am so confused and sad and hurt.

OP posts:

Loubelle70 · 18/05/2024 07:51

delphi13 · 18/05/2024 07:49

So really you should know that playing the kind of games you have suggested is dangerous for the OP. If she actually carried out what you are suggesting he may become violent when challenged. I don't think your posts will change her mindset without potential harm.

Just leaving him quickly and with support of family and friends or women's aid is the better course of action. He will be far more dangerous when he realises she is slipping from his control.

Show quote history

I think she was just making a point..that its controlling

Watchkeys · 18/05/2024 07:56

If your advice wasn't advice, @Saratoga212 , you really should have made that clear. OP is in a vulnerable situation. Dicking about with playing games would be dangerous, emotionally, and make OP's situation potentially a lot more painful for her. If you've read Bancroft's book, this ought to be obvious.

isthesolution · 18/05/2024 07:57

Everyone is right. This is very controlling behaviour.

You might love him but he doesn't love you or he wouldn't want to watch you suffer like this.

'I've done nothing wrong, I refuse to continue trying to convince you of this. If you know I've done something wrong and you can't live with it then please walk away, it isn't good for either of us if you stay in a relationship without trust'

Saratoga212 · 18/05/2024 08:12

Love needs to be two way and healthy for a decent relationship.

He'll probably say he loves you, but - as someone above said - he's not capable of loving someone. This is abuse.
Ime it's a type of mental.torture.
(Including holding the relationship over the head of someone you know has feelings & is invested "being honest is your only chance").

And you love an ideal of him; that is not actually him.

Maybe you fell in love with who he appeared to be before he revealed this behaviour.

How long have you been seeing him and when was the first incident of this?

GreyCarpet · 18/05/2024 08:19

I would suggest something similar.

He doesn't really think you've cheated - it's a control thing.

Throw it back to him and refuse to engage.

Aubree17 · 18/05/2024 08:49

If it was genuine he would share the messages with you.

He's making it up driven by his own insecurities.

Call him out. Tell him you haven't cheated, you don't believe he's received any messages and he needs to stop this relationship salvaging behaviour.

Or just leave ..... it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

Sceptical123 · 18/05/2024 09:01

Saratoga212 · 18/05/2024 07:01

"Sent him information" means in written form ......

Call his bluff and say, as a poster has suggested above, that you need to know immediately who sent the information - because this is the second time they have done this (or is he claiming it's a different person from the last time?) and you have reached breaking point and will be suing them for libel and harassment.

Tell him that, as you'd partner, his place is to support you in this and there are absolutely no ifs, buts or maybes about that.

Tell him you have booked a solicitor appointment with one you found via the Law Society website who specialises in libel and you need their details urgently before that appointment.

That if he doesn't give you the email address or any details at all he knows, you'll consider that he's not on your side or the side of your relationship. That there is no reason whatsoever he shouldn't support you, and you will be forced to reconsider your relationship if he doesn't. You want a loyal.partner in your corner, as anyone would.

This fucker needs some of this shit back.

He'll tell you nothing, of course

Because he's making this up, just like he was the last time

Edited

Bravo! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👍🏻

zeibesaffron · 18/05/2024 09:20

Please leave this man, his behaviour is sick and twisted. Whats next humiliation? violence?

Please just leave. This is abuse and is not okay.

There is no evidence, this is about control.

Nicole1111 · 18/05/2024 09:34

He is psychologically abusing you because of his own paranoia and insecurity. There’s also the potential that he himself has been unfaithful, as often the most paranoid people are the ones who have cheated. If you feel safe enough to do so, whenever he brings this up you need to reply and say “I haven’t done anything and you need psychological help” then walk away. Don’t get in to discussions, don’t try and placate or reassure him and don’t try to convince him of anything. This is his issue to deal with and by doing all the above you’re making it a you problem. In the longer term though you know you have to leave. I imagine he’s displayed other abusive behaviours, such as trying to tell you who you can see, what you can wear etc and justifying it by jealousy, and domestic abuse only gets worse with time. In terms of finding a way to leave, start by finding a local domestic abuse charity that offer face to face support and by telling trusted family or friends what’s happening.

Faduckssake · 18/05/2024 09:35

"He is telling me I need to just admit and the only thing that will give me a chance is honesty."

Tell him to shove his "chance" up his arse and show him the door. What a horrible man.

DrCoconut · 18/05/2024 10:06

My ex was like this. It became so bad that I couldn't really interact with men at all or he'd accuse me of cheating/planning to cheat. Even something like going to the supermarket would turn into hell if the cashier was male. It made me paranoid about even walking down the street. The abuse eventually escalated and became physical. I left him when our son was a year old and it's the best thing I ever did but it cast a long shadow over my life that took the best part of 20 years I'd say to fully get out of. This scenario will only get worse. I'm not actually going to tell you to leave him now because you won't do that until you're ready. I didn't. But when you are ready you will never regret getting away.

yellowsmileyface · 18/05/2024 10:06

This is a very common controlling tactic used by abusive men.

I went through the same thing. Throughout our relationship my ex seemed utterly convinced I was unfaithful. One day I came home and he said we needed to talk, said he had evidence that I've been unfaithful, but since he's such a nice guy he's going to give me the chance to come clean myself. It was a tactic to see if he could get me to admit to it so he'd really have his proof. When I pushed to know what this "evidence" was, it was stuff as silly as me having liked a male friend's facebook status. He knew he didn't have evidence, he just wanted to "trick" me into admitting it.

Part of the manipulation is to get you feeling like you need to do anything to prove your loyalty, so you end up wrapped around their little finger. They treat you like you've done something wrong so much so that you start to internalise it and feel constantly guilty over nothing. This makes it easier for them to treat you like shit, and for you to feel like you deserve it.

There is nothing, NOTHING, you can do to prove yourself to him. He's never going to let this go and trust that you're faithful. His controlling behaviour will only get worse, and it will chip away at your self worth and self esteem. I know it's not easy, but the best thing for you to do for yourself is to end it.

Mrsknowitall · 18/05/2024 10:25

he is lying to you, if you are going to stay with him you need to say to him, either show me the message or shut the fuck up and leave me alone, until I see the message I won’t believe that one was sent.
I had an ex once that used to try and play with my mind like this and I would be questioning things for weeks/months, even now I still think about it and think was he telling the truth and we are 24 years down the line

NowThatYoureGone · 18/05/2024 10:40

I have experience of this.
The gaslighting turned into violence. I have hearing loss because of him.
I hadn't done any of the things he accused me of either. But at one point I actually believed I had....
My mental health was fucked. I'd find myself crying, not knowing I was doing it.
Please don't be me.
Love yourself first 🌺

Noseybookworm · 18/05/2024 12:28

Nl88 · 17/05/2024 21:25

@Hadjab i never ever found out what it was the last time I just found myself reassuring him and sort of fighting my way back in to his good books like I had to prove myself somehow. I just can’t understand why he would make it up but also can’t understand why he wouldn’t just give me all the information and show me if he had something.

Well there's your first mistake! Why were you fighting to get back into his good books when you'd done nothing wrong? He obviously enjoys making you grovel and fawn over him in your attempts to win him over. This nasty fucker is playing mind games with you. Call his bluff, tell him to show you evidence or you are just not going to believe him. Then carry on as normal and refuse to get drawn into any discussions about it. Tell him if he doesn't like it he can fuck off. He sounds like an arsehole and you sound like you need to get some backbone and kick him to the kerb!

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