Accused of cheating

[Nl88]

My partner has told me that someone has sent him information about me, he is alluding to it being about me cheating. He won’t tell me who sent it, what it even is, not a single detail but is telling me to come clean and be honest. I have not did a single thing I cannot understand what this would be at all and it concerns me that it is false and I can’t take any action regarding it and can’t understand why my partner won’t provide me with any detail. This is not the first time it’s happened. The last time put me through hell I felt like I was going insane trying to prove my innocence but didn’t even know what I was trying to disprove, it drove me crazy and I am still suffering the effects of that time and it’s happening again. It makes no sense at all and I am so confused and sad and hurt.

At some point you are going to have to accept he's making it all up. He truly is, anyone genuine would have the proof and want to show it to you. It's simply that he's made it all up.
If you stick in this, it will be a continuing cycle. How long has it been since the last time? You want answers as to why, you can try asking him why he's made all this up twice now, stand your ground and don't grovel, but he's unlikely to own up to it.
Here are some possibilities:
Transference - guilt every time he has been unfaithful, so thinking back to around the time, had he been out till late or all night, or worked away prior to the accusations?
Control - he likes seeing you turn yourself inside out to please him, makes him feel bigger, the more diminished you become.
Insecurity- he knows he's not a catch, thinks you are better than him ( he's right there), this is his way of convincing you that you are less than him, when he's got you believing it, he is satisfied you won't leave him.
My money is on the first reason, but then it all results in the other 2 things happening for you.
At the end of the day, the reasons don't matter, that he is tearing down your self-esteem by gaslighting, is reason enough to end it all. He's thoroughly unpleasant, a boundary is only such if it is acted on, otherwise it doesn't exist.

Tell him you’re innocent until proven guilty and unless he provides any actual evidence the onus is on him. If he won’t show you what he is basing your guilt on you’ll assume he’s making it up. End of. Don’t live like this OP. It’s mind games. X

I wouldn’t waste any more time on him, he’s looking for an excuse to break up and be able to blame it on you.
Tell him that if that’s what he thinks then he needs to go because you’re not going to waste your life with someone who doesn’t trust you and his behaviour means you certainly don’t trust him if he’s making false allegations.

He's making you miserable OP, get rid of him.

I love him and it’s really hard to believe or accept he would willingly and actively hurt me and mess with my head in this way and for what motive

There's your conditioning showing. Which of your parents behaved in ways that hurt you, that you couldn't understand, and disregarded your distress?

I would doubt very much that the email was real if I hadn’t seen it myself. It sounds like your partner has control issues and is abusing you psychologically. I would tell him that you believe that he is making this shit up and you won’t stand for it. If he’s unhappy, he can leave.

"Sent him information" means in written form ......

Call his bluff and say, as a poster has suggested above, that you need to know immediately who sent the information - because this is the second time they have done this (or is he claiming it's a different person from the last time?) and you have reached breaking point and will be suing them for libel and harassment.

Tell him that, as you'd partner, his place is to support you in this and there are absolutely no ifs, buts or maybes about that.

Tell him you have booked a solicitor appointment with one you found via the Law Society website who specialises in libel and you need their details urgently before that appointment.

That if he doesn't give you the email address or any details at all he knows, you'll consider that he's not on your side or the side of your relationship. That there is no reason whatsoever he shouldn't support you, and you will be forced to reconsider your relationship if he doesn't. You want a loyal.partner in your corner, as anyone would.

This fucker needs some of this shit back.

He'll tell you nothing, of course

Because he's making this up, just like he was the last time

You need to get out. It’ll only get more mentally draining and emotional as time goes on. You think if this is his second time that there won’t be a 3rd,4th,5th, 6th And so on?

he will never stop accusing you of things you’ve not done and he will never stop doing this to you and he certainly won’t if he sees you crumble to give him power and the feelings he needs to feel at the top. He doesn’t love you to be doing this. He’s a messed up individual who you need to get away from

Get out he’s a controlling, abusive, gaslighter.

He’s not a safe partner for you.

If you stay he will just damage you further.

This fucker needs some of this shit back

Unless OP's role is to provide 'this fucker' with what some stranger thinks he needs, then this is appalling advice.

OP, you need to take care of your own needs, rather than trying to re-educate/serve a lesson to a grown adult who is abusing you.

I love him

With respect; you don't.

You love an idea of him.

But it's not the real him.

You don't love someone who is either so paranoid and insecure, or so controlling and desperate for dominance (or both) that they make up stories of being told about their partner's infidelity/inappropriate behaviour.... In order to test them, or control them and set up a power dynamic in the relationship to his extreme advantage.

You don't love someone who tortures their partner because of their insecurity & paranoia and desire for absolute control.

There's also the possibility there's some projection of what he's done, is doing, or would do.

You don't love the real him.

At best this guy is mentally ill, but that's being kind.

This type of mental illness is the type that hurts their partner more than them.

This. Don't waste a single moment trying to prove your innocence to this cunt of a man.

I missed it when I was posting last night but I noticed someone suggested showing him this thread. For the love of God, do NOT show him this thread. This has to be a safe space for you to vent. And for other women to vent. Never show him this thread. I hope you’re getting ready to end this relationship because this man will destroy you.

Ah, you.

Unfortunately your username is very recognisable.

I believe op's only option here is to end this relationship as soon as possible.

However I am trying to make the op see that she is in a particular position (mentally and emotionally); one he's pushed her hard into ......

Whereas she needs to completely change her mindset and get out of that position; get off the defensive, prone position he's forced her into. Imho she needs that change of mentality urgently.

Whether she ever says anything like that "I'll sue this person for libel, you're not in my corner of you don't tell me their (non existent) name immediately", or "I've had an email like this too; explain to me why that is" or "you won't provide details, this is the second incident of this ..... I won't be taking any more of this" etc ..it's the mentality behind this attitude that I'm highlighting. The op needs to move towards that, no matter whether she ever says anything like that.to his face.

And that's as much time I'll waste responding to one of your posts.

Dump him OP, is this really the life you want to live? Do not run around after him trying to prove your innocence, just dump him and move on. Jealously is never nice, she sounds awful.

I Agree. Ask to see the message. Hopefully hes not trying to control you by making you apologise etc..its a boundary tester if he is amongst more dangerous personality traits

WTF? Are you for real? This is not a bloody game. OP do not do what's suggested, just leave him without explaining or asking anything.

This.

He sounds unhinged.

He won't show you any 'evidence ' and wants you to confirm you didn't do anything.

Dump the idiot.

Tell him..unless he shows you these messages/message, you refuse to engage about it. No matter hos objections, and he will test your boundaries, stick to your guns..no messages shown, no conversation. Do not fall over yourself trying to explain anything! Tbh hes a DH.

My ex used to play this game with me. It was just to make me do everything possible to please him. Until I cottoned on. Just said "yes, whatever" and continued my day. Finally divorced him. Nasty controlling abusive behaviour. Your best card, if possible, would be to leave him. Your love is not reciprocated.

As I've explained above; I'm trying to get the op to see what her mentality should be here, to see the position he's putting her in, to turn it around ..... It doesn't matter if she ever did anything like this .. only that her mentality changes.

If you read the thread, I linked to Othello syndrome and highlighted the worst risks of being involved with someone like this.

Lundy Bancroft actually mentions behaviour like this in "Why does he do that" as a controlling and dominance strategy by abusive men.

I think he says he challenged one man who used it re whether he truly believed his partner was cheating/would cheat and he admitted not; but that his accusations kept her on the back foot, on the defensive, worried, off balance, insecure, grateful, under his thumb etc.

This allover

So really you should know that playing the kind of games you have suggested is dangerous for the OP. If she actually carried out what you are suggesting he may become violent when challenged. I don't think your posts will change her mindset without potential harm.

Just leaving him quickly and with support of family and friends or women's aid is the better course of action. He will be far more dangerous when he realises she is slipping from his control.

Anyway, op - you said you know in your gut this isn't right.

You know you need to end the relationship but are finding it very difficult.

I think you haven't told anyone in real life about this because you know that when you do, you'll have to end it. Because they'll urge you to, because you feel you couldn't tell them that and then stay with him etc.

That tells you everything you need to know.

It's never easy ending a relationship. You have a lot of attachment hormones and emotions etc. You built it up to be a good potential relationship and your future.

But unfortunately you have to let those fade and in time, if you want, to can attach in that way to someone else. Someone who's not dysfunctional and abusive like this. You'll wreck your life if you hit h your wagon to someone like this.

Are you putting yourself under a lot of pressure to be in a relationship? Are you investing a bit too soon & heavily?