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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Accused of cheating

90 replies

Nl88 · 17/05/2024 21:02

My partner has told me that someone has sent him information about me, he is alluding to it being about me cheating. He won’t tell me who sent it, what it even is, not a single detail but is telling me to come clean and be honest. I have not did a single thing I cannot understand what this would be at all and it concerns me that it is false and I can’t take any action regarding it and can’t understand why my partner won’t provide me with any detail. This is not the first time it’s happened. The last time put me through hell I felt like I was going insane trying to prove my innocence but didn’t even know what I was trying to disprove, it drove me crazy and I am still suffering the effects of that time and it’s happening again. It makes no sense at all and I am so confused and sad and hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nl88 · 17/05/2024 22:14

Thanks everyone I appreciate getting such a big response to this post. I know the advice I’d give to others would be the same but it’s so much harder when it’s yourself. I love him and it’s really hard to believe or accept he would willingly and actively hurt me and mess with my head in this way and for what motive. I could never contemplate doing anything to hurt him and if I was sent something or approached with something I’d take it straight to him to ask because why wouldn’t I? It’s surely the normal thing to do. I know in my gut it’s wrong and what I need to do it’s just easier said than done.

OP posts:
SummerVibes03 · 17/05/2024 22:27

Can you talk to a counsellor OP?

222a · 17/05/2024 22:29

This is emotional abuse OP please contact woman’s aid for some help and support.

Toptotoe · 17/05/2024 22:33

He is being manipulative and abusive. Ifthere really was something he would show you.
Ask yourself why you are allowing him to treat you this way. It is not a loving way to behave and he doesn't serve your love.
This is a toxic relationship and you should walk away now. Get counselling so that you don't have a similar relationship in the future.i

spookehtooth · 17/05/2024 22:37

I don't think anyone is necessarily suggesting its easy @Nl88 but his behaviour is wrong, and is abusive. Nobody who loves you should be treating you like that, it's already affecting you, as you said yourself and it won't stop

OligoN · 17/05/2024 22:39

Nl88 · 17/05/2024 22:14

Thanks everyone I appreciate getting such a big response to this post. I know the advice I’d give to others would be the same but it’s so much harder when it’s yourself. I love him and it’s really hard to believe or accept he would willingly and actively hurt me and mess with my head in this way and for what motive. I could never contemplate doing anything to hurt him and if I was sent something or approached with something I’d take it straight to him to ask because why wouldn’t I? It’s surely the normal thing to do. I know in my gut it’s wrong and what I need to do it’s just easier said than done.

No one is underestimating how difficult it often is to leave.

But you have to. Because he’s actually a nut job. Only a nut job, trying to hurt you would do what he’s doing.

please plan to leave.

Original poster
Nl88 · 17/05/2024 22:40

I never told anyone the last time so it feels good to say it (type it) and know that I am not actually going crazy. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 17/05/2024 22:42

AllTheWatersTurnedToClouds · 17/05/2024 21:33

Wow that’s really fucked up. You need to get out OP

In a nutshell. Get out op. Get out now.

PashaMinaMio · 17/05/2024 22:44

Chuck him back in the pond.
This is dreadful and manipulative behaviour.
It’s hard work. It’s all a big head f*kc.
Get out now and move on.

Damnedidont · 17/05/2024 22:48

Get angry. Tell him you want to know the details because you want to sue for slander/libel. And you are intending to demand damages. Tell him that it seems he is just making it all up and playing mind games and that if he is just honest with you he has a chance of keeping you. Maybe show him this thread, really you deserve better than this jerk whose unfounded jealousy is destroying both of you. If he won't give you details he is lying

Milkand2sugarsplease · 17/05/2024 22:49

If anyone has texted him "evidence" he should be 1. Trusting of you when you deny anything but 2. Willing to talk about it with you in order to establish the truth and why whoever has texted him has done so.

If, as I suspect, it's all bollocks made up by him to test you or punish you or control you, he's not someone you want to love.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/05/2024 22:53

@Nl88

Well, he's either a sadist who is 'simply' enjoying watching you suffer, or he's a controlling and abusive wanker who is using this as a tactic to either control your behaviour or to 'punish' you for something you did. And I don't mean that you cheated. I mean that you did or do something he doesn't like and he wants you to suffer for it. Maybe you go to the gym and there are men there. Maybe you went out with girlfriends and he doesn't approve. Maybe you wore the 'wrong' blouse. Who knows?

Either way, you need to run like hell. He will eventually destroy your wellbeing and mental health. Yes, it's hard but you need to remember that although you love him he does NOT love you. No man could love a woman and treat her the way he's treating you. And also remember that love is not enough. There must be trust and communication.

If you don't feel strong enough to get out on your own, confide in someone and ask for their support. Or keep posting here, there are plenty of us for you to bounce things off of and to help you make plans.

First things first. What is your living situation? Renting? Buying? Do you have somewhere to go? Let's start with that.

MrsCherryCrest · 17/05/2024 23:07

My ex did this. It happened a few times. Once, he told me that someone had text him to say they saw my car somewhere different from where I’d claimed to be (I’d been clothes shopping) and he demanded I be honest and admit to cheating. He gave me few details and went in a massive strop, punishing me for a crime I hadn’t committed. I was younger then and completely bewildered at the time about why he did that. I bent over backwards trying to prove myself and make him happy when he was treating me like shit. I later found out he was trying to cheat on me by sending young women he worked with dick pics. Cheaters judge their partners based on their own boundaries and abusive people do these things to control their partners. He’s not the person you’re meant to be with. You deserve better.

Evasmissingletter · 17/05/2024 23:07

Nl88 · 17/05/2024 22:40

I never told anyone the last time so it feels good to say it (type it) and know that I am not actually going crazy. Thanks everyone.

This is how abusers work. Gaslighting you so you start to doubt yourself . Controlling and isolating you so you feel you can’t talk to anyone even though you know what they are claiming is totally untrue. My ex did exactly this to me . I felt it was my own dirty little secret I felt so ashamed and I had done nothing wrong. Well done for taking the first step and speaking/writing about it OP. Is there anyone you can talk about this to OP? @

Ubugly · 17/05/2024 23:12

I expect the only person cheating is him! Wouldn't be surprised if he's given you an STI.

Copperoliverbear · 17/05/2024 23:17

Why are you even with the man, the first time he did this I would have left him.
He's an absolute prick and making up lies to keep you under control, he is gaslighting you, trying make you feel shit and wants to get you begging him even though you've done nothing wrong.
He is 100% fucked up in the head, if you don't leave him you will have this for the rest of your life.
He wants to keep you low so you have nothing but him and his fucked up life.
Tell him to fuck off and find a decent man.

Copperoliverbear · 17/05/2024 23:21

It's not easier said than done, he does care about you or love you, he cares about and loves controlling you, people like him don't truly love anyone.
Get out while you still can.
Make it easy to do, your life will be so much better without him.

Copperoliverbear · 17/05/2024 23:22

I meant to say he doesn't care

SantaBarbaraMonica · 17/05/2024 23:25

He’s playing with you. He’s sick and a bastard. Get out asap.

Dery · 17/05/2024 23:44

OP - there are ways of horrendously abusing someone which don’t involve hitting them or even shouting at them. This man is desperately abusive. He is deeply dangerous. He will destroy you emotionally and psychologically. He may destroy you physically also - bearing in mind how Othello ends. He doesn’t see you as a separate human. He sees you as a thing that belongs to him.

You’re not even over the last time he did this - he’s done this before where in fact it should never happen. I’ve been with DH nearly 25 years. We piss each other off sometimes. We occasionally have very fierce arguments. He has never done this. Never. He wouldn’t dream of it because he’s emotionally functional.

This is not normal behaviour. It’s sick. You need to get out. Your love for him is irrelevant. You have given your heart to a dangerous person. You need to take it back and remove yourself from this relationship. Do you have shared children? Do you share a home? Do you earn your own money? Whatever the situation, you can disentangle yourself. Do NOT discuss plans with him. You need to protect yourself now. Please speak to people in real life about what’s going on. I honestly think you’re in great danger from this man, physically as well as emotionally and psychologically.

Ariela · 17/05/2024 23:46

What happens if you say 'who told you this?' And then if he says he cannot say, simply just ask your mutual friends in front of him.

Alternatively say 'oh I heard it was YOU that was cheating' - see what he says then! He'll be covering up for his own indiscretion by accusing you.

Honestly you don't need to put up with this crap from him. Nor trying to justify yourself/trying to get back in his good books. You really don't need this!

Just say it isn't working for you, and ditch him.

SwordToFlamethrower · 17/05/2024 23:52

I would just not be arsed with this bs and just say "yeah, bye then" and dump his dramatic arse

Dery · 17/05/2024 23:58

I really don’t think discussing it with him or confronting him will make any difference. This is what he does. He does it to control you. He does it to keep you small, scared and anxious. A relationship should make you feel happy, confident and secure. This is the opposite. You need to walk away because he will destroy you.

Hagpie · 18/05/2024 00:10

Either he’s made it up completely to watch you squirm or he has cheated and you need to get tested.

You love him OP but that man does not love you.

CheekyHobson · 18/05/2024 00:18

I love him and it’s really hard to believe or accept he would willingly and actively hurt me and mess with my head in this way and for what motive.

It’s horribly difficult. Even now, years on, I have trouble accepting my abusive ex was prepared to do what he did and lie about it to my face, even though I have incontrovertible proof.

These days he acts like a nice guy who “wants to be friends for the sake of our kids” and it does my head in knowing how two-faced he is.

You will probably never understand why or how he can do this to you. But you can know that you feel upset and stressed and hurt and confused and misjudged, and that any relationship that makes you feel that way is one you need to leave.