Future stag do for my DHTB

[tiredbridetobe]

So.. I get married next year, and the conversation of stag do/hen do has started coming up. More so from my other halves parents. His dad in particular seems to take a liking to winding me up about the location of the stag do (expensive places - we just can't afford this type of expense whilst planning a wedding but whatever)

Next thing, his dads best friend starts mentioning strip clubs... lap dances, the lot. Now, I set a boundary very early on in our relationship that I really do not respect that sort of thing, and will not tolerate it at all due to past experiences with partners. My fiancé has always understood and agreed, he'd never ever want to step foot in a place like that. However, now it's different. Because his dad and his dads mate have mentioned it, he says he has 'no control' and it's his stag and I get no say in it whatsoever - although he's also stressed he really doesn't want to go but still will if that's what they want to do. I don't want to control his stag do (location, activities, who goes etc as I really don't care about that). What I do care about is strip clubs, and the fact he'd rather keep a bunch of old seedy men happy - rather than his future wife. He said 'what do you want me to do , sit outside whilst they all go in there?' well surely they should be doing what you want to do as it's your stag do?

We have argued extensively over this, I truly love him but this has been an ongoing issue for 6 months now. I have been told that if I make such a stance on this and make it an issue, that all future things in our life, he can tell me exactly what I can or cannot do because I'm setting this sort of precedent - because of my feelings of not wanting him to go to a strip club. His mum also said I'm being over dramatic about it - however I just would rather my future husband doesn't go to a strip club to see half naked woman and possibly get a lap dance, before marrying me... what is marriage about if that is acceptable?

I also have been told I'm not allowed to cause an issue again about them going to a strip club etc due to the fact his father is helping pay for a part of the wedding, I am to keep him happy (so let them go to a strip club and get a dance if they want to) - essentially I am to shut up and deal with it because "everyone does this".

Am I really the only person who doesn't agree with strip clubs and lap dances? Am I being unreasonable?

The whole family sound vile, I know it’s a flippant comment but get out whilst you still can.

My DH went to a strip club on his stag, and I know he has on other people's. I don't love the idea but on odd occasion, I don't mind. I've also been to very adult male strip shows abroad whilst on hens, so I can hardly complain! If your DH doesn't want that, he needs to be very firm and stand his ground.

Well I usually get a lot of stick for saying man here... but, man here! 😆
When I got married, I made it crystal clear to my best man that lap dancing bars, strip clubs etc were completely off the table - this was respected and we had a great time elsewhere.

It's his stag do - if he makes it clear to everyone that he doesn't want this kind of thing then they should respect that.
I can't fathom the mind of a person who would want to take someone to a venue against their will, stag do or otherwise. It'll just be crap and he won't enjoy it, plus he knows you'll be angry about it too.

You're not being unreasonable at all.

id hate this too OP. Stick to your guns. If he wants to marry you- he has to respect you. Strip clubs are not respect-for anyone.

Yep I’d honestly tell him that the wedding was off.

No way would I marry someone who would not have my back in a situation like this.

No way would I marry a man so spineless that he couldn’t laugh and say not a chance. That’s not what I want so no. And be listened to by his family and friends.

No way would I marry and have kids with a man with a dynamic like this with his parents.

No way would I marry a man with parents like this full stop. His dad likes to wind you up and upset you? His mum thinks you should shut up like a good wifey? Fuck that for in-laws and grandparents!

Honestly I would just say right, sounds like this wedding is a bad idea until you a. work out where your loyalties lie, b. Get an adult, mutually respectful relationship with your parents and especially your dad and c. Work out what you want your family to look like, because right now it’s most likely to involve a wife who wants your prick of a dad nowhere near having a close relationship with your children.

Hes being a wet wipe op, it's his stag do so it should be about what he wants to do.

i'd be a little suspicious that he's not really against the idea tbh so is using his disgusting Dad as a shield. He gets the best of both worlds then, he gets to look like the reluctant participant to you and still gets to have flange rubbed all over him.

it will probably happen anyway and you may never know.

Man here - didn't have a stag do party to avoid this. At a mates I went into club but no dance as was married.

If I was to get hitched again I would insist on none of that stuff - my rules, my stag do. If I was keen to do it, and my OH was against it I would not do it, simple. She comes first.

The only issue I have is that a strip club is frowned upon but if a hen do went to a chippendale style thing thats ok. Personally not a fan of either and would be similar to you if my OH wanted that.

Funnily enough my ex-wife had no issues with them and thought it strange I didn't get one on that stag do!

Wow thanks so far for your messages - I've been sat here for 6 months feeling like the worst person in the world, and quite honestly extremely embarrassed by my opinions and how I reacted, due to their response. Every time I've spent time with his family since I've definitely been made to feel like I've made a big deal over nothing - since then his dad has been noticeably distant with me.

Regarding my own hen do, just to be transparent here, I would be extremely upset if anyone organised a stripper for me etc (and my friends know this , and have respected my decision) I just think it's really outdated - my fiancé has always portrayed me as a prude, but I just have a lot of respect for him and it's really not my cup of tea!

Thanks so much for all of your perspectives. I know now that even if they did go, they wouldn't tell me - it's a gut feel.

You are not being unreasonable at all.
I would be seriously questioning what type of man you are marrying. As pp has said he is showing he is not loyal to you and his values don't align with yours. He sounds very weak .
I think if you go ahead with the marriage and he goes ahead with his strip club/lap dancing stag do this sends the message these activities will be acceptable in your marriage.
I would not marry a man who had that type of stag do.

Completly not in the wrong - I hate that this is normalised with Hen and Stag does... why celebrate marrying someone by, to me, being unfaithful. Why the need or want to see others naked, why get married or be in a relationship if that's what you want.

My husband and I were clear that there would be nothing like that on either of our respective hen and stag do's, and he's also reassured me if he was ever in the situation where that was an activity on someone else's stag, he'd leave.

To me the marriage and relationship would be off, as our fundimental values would be so different and I would not want to be with someone like that.

Also I've been in a relationship where my partners father would enjoy winding me up, it was hell and I would never do it again! In my marriage now, my brothe-in-law once tried to make a joke about something I find triggering to my husband which made me feel awful, and he made sure that that's never happened since and always has my back and cares about my feelings

The big problem isn’t the strip club per se, it’s the fact that he can’t/wont stick up for himself or you! I would see that as a big red flag for the future and would seriously reconsider marrying someone like that.

Your fiancé portrays you as a prude?

Honestly I would say step back a bit and ask yourself if this kind of family is REALLY the one you want to be your family, and your children’s family?!

They sound awful.

I wouldn’t want that kind of grandfather for my children.

I wouldn’t marry a man with a mindset so different to mine. You’re setting yourself up for so so much less of a great, supportive family and partnership than you couldn’t have. You really are.

My husband would absolutely hate a stag/strip club thing. He would also never in a million years tolerate someone winding me up like this - taking a pop at my basic values. It would hit him too, because we have similar values - that’s one of the reasons we’re together!

Think hard.

I simply couldn't marry a man this spineless tbh

I've known many men who've taken strip clubs etc off the table from the word go when planning stag dos. I've also known many men who've declined to go into strip clubs when the rest of their party decides to. It's not difficult.

And fwiw I'd walk out if a male stripper appeared at any party I attended. 99% because I think they're unforgivably grim rather than any moral reason.

I'd tell your fiance and his dad to shove their money and the wedding up their arse. In fact they can pole dance whilst they're doing it.

Did you also say that your fiance has always called you a prude? So I assume you've had similar conversations in the past? He says he doesn't want to go to a strip club, that he's a modern man or whatever. Yeah right. I call bullshit.

Your future with this man and his family sounds fucking grim. How can you love someone with such opposing fundamental views? Get out while you can.

It’s often moments like this, where big decisions are being made but the other parties reckon you’re so far in that you’re not going to walk away, where you get to see the real deal. Exactly what they’re like.

Bad enough when a wedding is the stake, but that’s nothing to ending up in 5 years realising that you’ve had your own children with a man you can’t stand anymore and can’t respect.

Another one here to say YANBU. Personally, strip clubs and lapdances are absolutely grim and any man who thinks that they are entitled to buy access to a woman's body is grim and not marriage or boyfriend material.

Also just to add, him saying that if you tell him what to do here then he can tell you what do and how to behave in the future is manipulative bullshit.

You aren't telling him what to do, you have shared a boundary and he is free to decide either way. If he decides that he absolutely must pay to watch a woman dance half naked and get a lap dance before he gets married then it isn't you he will be marrying. Simple.

Don't marry him, or you will be dictated to by his family for the rest of your life. Your future "d"h has as much as told you that your job will be to shut up and do as you're told.

Please don't enter into a life where you have no agency and your opinions/values are belittled. You will regret it, and no, you can't change him. He will pick them over you when there's a disagreement. You've been warned--by him.

This is a deal breaker for me, not just because of the strip club but also him being so spineless. I have been very clear about this with my partner and he would feel the same about me having strippers. Their last night of freedom was before they entered the relationship and that's that imo

my fiancé has always portrayed me as a prude,

Ahh, so he's not actually going against his will - in fact he thinks it's fine and is only feigning reluctance cos you'll be upset.

I'd have a bit of a think if there are other aspects in your lives together where he's giving lip-service but basically has incompatible views/values to your own.

As for daddy saying he gets a say because of putting money into the wedding - give him his money back.

My DH insisted on none of that business on his stag and it was respected (in fairness none of the 4 attendees are 'that type' of bloke anyway).

He's also been on another stag where the groom was anti-strip clubs but a few of the lads wanted to go to one. The group just split up and the groom, DH and others went to a normal bar while the others went to the strip club.

It's not obligatory for him to go just because his Dad and some other sleaze bags want to. He can grow a pair, put his foot down and say No.

I was on a hen once where the Maid of Honour had booked a male stripper as a surprise (but paid from the activities kitty!).

It was indeed indescribably grim and several of us were really pissed off that our money had been spent on it.

It's a deal breaker for me. I'd dump the spineless fucker

I couldn't care less about strip clubs but you clearly do so your dh to be should respect that. His disregard for your feelings really does give you an indication on how things will be going forward. Weddings etc should be the easy, fun bit. If he's been a twat now god help you when things get rough with money/babies/life problems.

He is showing you who he is, a selfish arse. Get out now while it's easy to.