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Original poster

Future stag do for my DHTB

54 replies

tiredbridetobe · 17/05/2024 14:29

So.. I get married next year, and the conversation of stag do/hen do has started coming up. More so from my other halves parents. His dad in particular seems to take a liking to winding me up about the location of the stag do (expensive places - we just can't afford this type of expense whilst planning a wedding but whatever)

Next thing, his dads best friend starts mentioning strip clubs... lap dances, the lot. Now, I set a boundary very early on in our relationship that I really do not respect that sort of thing, and will not tolerate it at all due to past experiences with partners. My fiancé has always understood and agreed, he'd never ever want to step foot in a place like that. However, now it's different. Because his dad and his dads mate have mentioned it, he says he has 'no control' and it's his stag and I get no say in it whatsoever - although he's also stressed he really doesn't want to go but still will if that's what they want to do. I don't want to control his stag do (location, activities, who goes etc as I really don't care about that). What I do care about is strip clubs, and the fact he'd rather keep a bunch of old seedy men happy - rather than his future wife. He said 'what do you want me to do , sit outside whilst they all go in there?' well surely they should be doing what you want to do as it's your stag do?

We have argued extensively over this, I truly love him but this has been an ongoing issue for 6 months now. I have been told that if I make such a stance on this and make it an issue, that all future things in our life, he can tell me exactly what I can or cannot do because I'm setting this sort of precedent - because of my feelings of not wanting him to go to a strip club. His mum also said I'm being over dramatic about it - however I just would rather my future husband doesn't go to a strip club to see half naked woman and possibly get a lap dance, before marrying me... what is marriage about if that is acceptable?

I also have been told I'm not allowed to cause an issue again about them going to a strip club etc due to the fact his father is helping pay for a part of the wedding, I am to keep him happy (so let them go to a strip club and get a dance if they want to) - essentially I am to shut up and deal with it because "everyone does this".

Am I really the only person who doesn't agree with strip clubs and lap dances? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Whatevershallidowithmylife · 17/05/2024 16:36

Strip clubs, lap dancers, male strippers/dancers, naked butlers- all 🤮 nah I wouldn’t marry someone so spineless

solice84 · 17/05/2024 16:37

If he wants to he can put his foot down about it
All my friend know if they ever got a stripper for me I'd be furious and I've made that very clear

Awrite · 17/05/2024 16:56

Pay attention to how they (and he) are making you feel. If you marry him, get used to that feeling.

My dh has been on loads of stag weekends. Whenever there is a strip club, he and whoever else doesn't fancy it, finds a pub to go for a few pints in.

He definitely wouldn't tolerate it on his own stag so. A sleezy uncle did try and talk a few of them into it. I suspect it's hard to find 15 decent men in one group...

ChristmasFluff · 17/05/2024 17:21

You didn't set a boundary in the early days of the relationship when you said that you would not tolerate strip clubs at all. That was simply an expression of your intent.

You actually set the boundary when you don't tolerate strip clubs - by walking away from people who go to them. And that includes your fiance, as he does not share this value which is so important to you.

As others have said, you are now seeing the real him, and have been since he called you a prude. He's either spineless for not standing up to his family, or he's happy to go - and I suspect the latter.

LieutOliviaBenson · 17/05/2024 17:30

Tell him you absolutely won't stop him going to the strip club, in fact he can go to one every night for all you care, because you won't be marrying him.

Notreat · 17/05/2024 17:38

I don't understand why he couldn't have kept you completely out of it and just told then he didn't want to go to a strip club. It's his stag do and it should centre on what he likes to do. By saying you don't want him to go it sounds as though he is using you as an excuse.
It shouldn't be this difficult at this stage of your relationship. If you do marry I would be concerned that he won't ever stand up to his family or support you.

category12 · 17/05/2024 17:46

Notreat · 17/05/2024 17:38

I don't understand why he couldn't have kept you completely out of it and just told then he didn't want to go to a strip club. It's his stag do and it should centre on what he likes to do. By saying you don't want him to go it sounds as though he is using you as an excuse.
It shouldn't be this difficult at this stage of your relationship. If you do marry I would be concerned that he won't ever stand up to his family or support you.

I think he didn't keep her out of it, because he's not been fully honest with her about his views. She says he's "always portrayed me as a prude".

It seems like he's actually OK with going and is letting his family deride her as killjoy and prude to get her to back down on her stance.

gannett · 17/05/2024 17:52

what do you want me to do , sit outside whilst they all go in there?

Yes? This is not uncommon as I understand it. DP and other male friends have been on a variety of stag dos and at the ones where a strip club is a thing, either planned or spontaneous, the group usually splits and the ones who don't want to go to a strip club go elsewhere with no drama.

I don't have a strong opinion on strip clubs other than that the women who work in them should be paid and respected - by us as well as their patrons. The least attractive aspect of OP's fiance's stance is that he seems so easily led by others. He's a follower, and he can't even bring himself to do what he wants to do on his own stag, because he's too concerned with how his relatives see him. (Or he can't bring himself to tell his fiancee that he actually does want to go to a strip club. Not good either.)

DinnaeFashYersel · 17/05/2024 17:52

Call it off.

If you are constantly bickering about this you are not compatible. It's not going your way last longer term.

Didimum · 17/05/2024 18:04

This is a hill I’d die on. I could not be with someone who disrespected my boundaries so badly.

Though unless he does a complete 180 and admits to being completely unreasonable, then I’m not sure where you go from here.

AllAtSeaAgain · 17/05/2024 18:06

I would hand him his ring back and say very clearly, 'It has become clear that your family values do not align with mine and I do not wish to marry you any longer. I made you aware at the beginning of our relationship that strip clubs and lap dances were seedy, misogynistic and an absolute no go for me. Sadly your parents, and your Dad in particular, appear to be walking all over my boundaries on the grounds that they are 'helping to pay' and can therefore treat my wishes like dirt. You are spinelessly allowing this. This is not a marriage I want, nor a family I want to marry into. I'm calling the whole thing off'.

And then walk away. Or you'll be stuck with his chavvy, shitty family values for the rest of your life.

Choochoo21 · 17/05/2024 18:07

It wouldn’t bother me if my DP went to a strip club or a stripper - but it does bother you and you have made your feelings very clear about it, but he doesn’t care.

Sometimes there is a grey area where the man goes and the woman is upset but it was never an explicit conversation but you have told him how it makes you feel several times and he’s not even trying to compromise with you.

You have no right to tell him what to do/not to do.

But you can (and have) tell him how you feel and it’s up to him whether he respects you enough to do it or not.

He’s made his choice.
His enjoyment for one night is more important than you.

Choochoo21 · 17/05/2024 18:10

Has the wedding been booked?

At the very least I’d be calling off the engagement (take your ring off) until you decide what to do.

He needs to decide what’s more important - a few hours of fun or a lifetime with you.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 17/05/2024 18:25

I think you are being over dramatic. If you trust him implicitly, to the point you are getting married, one night in the presence of strippers shouldn't derail that. If he goes on any friends stag do's in the future, it will probably be similar. So do you see yourself controlling this very miniscule aspect of his life for your entire marriage? It probably started as a joke, but now they know they've wound you up, that's what they'll probably do.

category12 · 17/05/2024 18:30

It probably started as a joke, but now they know they've wound you up, that's what they'll probably do.

But then if this man's family think so little of her and will do things just to wind her up, should she really be marrying into the family? I wouldn't want to be stuck with a bunch of in-laws who take pleasure in stirring.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 17/05/2024 18:31

Eurgh.

Yuk. The way they are all licking their lips and relishing the very thought, this far in advance, seedy leches that they are.

Why can’t your DP just put the organisation of the stag in the hands of a trustworthy friend, organise it himself, or tell his family ‘No strip clubs, strippers or lap dancing and that’s the end of it’.

He should have said no to his family without involving you. It has become a horrible sexual and sexist power play where they put you in your place.

I would refuse to marry, under these conditions.

Yuk

JimPansy · 17/05/2024 18:37

The older men are doing this knowing it upsets you. They are bullies.
Your fiance isn't standing up for you.
This is showing you he won't have your back when it matters.

I'd walk away.

EmmaPeele · 17/05/2024 18:41

My dh and friends went playing golf then for a meal and a few drinks for his stag do. They had a great time and no one got upset. It sounds like your FIL to be is using his son's stag do as an excuse for him to visit a strip club with a supposedly valid "excuse"!

BreadInCaptivity · 17/05/2024 18:47

It was/is a hard line for me also and thankfully (or rather we wouldn't be married if it wasn't) my DH feels the same.

For his stag he made it absolutely clear any attempt to arrange strippers/ club vists was a "hell no" and if they did he'd walk away.

To be fair only one friend was of this mindset and the rest had the same view as DH.

When attending stags DH also makes clear he will not participate in this (not really even about me tbh - his own view is that it's exploitation and it doesn't jive with his person moral compass). In the past when this has happened he and his best friend (holds the same view) just bugger off elsewhere and reconnect with the group later/next day.

So personally I think this is absolutely in your fiancés control.

You need to decide if him refusing to admit this and blaming it on his father etc is a red flag for you or not.

I'd also be asking what else in your marriage he is going to allow his family to dictate and why he thinks it's ok for them to "welcome" their future DIL to the family by trampling all over her boundaries......

Notsoflirtythirty · 17/05/2024 18:49

Yeah absolutely not. It would be a deal breaker. We're not engaged but have actually had this discussion, and he's said clearly if the party he went out with did that, he wouldn't step foot in the place and would leave. I've told him clearly it's non negotiable.

Screamingabdabz · 17/05/2024 19:02

Don’t believe the ‘all men do it’ nonsense. There have been two stag dos in our family this year - men in their 30s, working class, they did bar games and a pub crawl. Last train home. No strippers. Nothing sleazy. I think it’s a certain type of low-rent mind in the gutter mentality that wants to objectify women like that. I’m surprised your MIL is supporting it. Just think on what you’re marrying into… a family that will trample all over your feelings and a DH that goes along with it…

Opentooffers · 17/05/2024 19:10

I'm embarrassed for you fiancé, can't think of anything more cringe than visiting a lapdance club with your parent. It's so much weirder than with your mates - which is bad enough. Why are his dad's mates going on a foreign stag do with him at all? Does he not have mates of his own to take? Could they split up and do their own thing for a while.
If a fiancé had said my mates will go to a bar and leave the oldies to their lapdance club for a while, that would be OK maybe. But to say that for him to not go means he would expect to have cart blanche on all future relationship decisions, well, it shows that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and he's as much of a sexist as his DF. You really ought to think twice about this marriage.
I'd at least be calm, measured but state to his DF, preferably alone, that his stag plans have put the whole wedding in jeopardy now, and if there is any more talk of lapdancing clubs, and if it occurs, the wedding will be off. That should make things crystal clear. However, I'd struggle with the weirdness of a son being fine going to a club with their DF in the first place, I think that would give me the ick.

Nanny0gg · 17/05/2024 19:52

tiredbridetobe · 17/05/2024 14:58

Wow thanks so far for your messages - I've been sat here for 6 months feeling like the worst person in the world, and quite honestly extremely embarrassed by my opinions and how I reacted, due to their response. Every time I've spent time with his family since I've definitely been made to feel like I've made a big deal over nothing - since then his dad has been noticeably distant with me.

Regarding my own hen do, just to be transparent here, I would be extremely upset if anyone organised a stripper for me etc (and my friends know this , and have respected my decision) I just think it's really outdated - my fiancé has always portrayed me as a prude, but I just have a lot of respect for him and it's really not my cup of tea!

Thanks so much for all of your perspectives. I know now that even if they did go, they wouldn't tell me - it's a gut feel.

If you fiancé has portrayed you as a prude you're on a hiding to nothing.

And you'll be stuck with his family

Think very hard about your next steps

Aikko · 17/05/2024 20:02

Your fiancé is either a drip, or secretly wouldn’t mind looking at half naked women at a strip club

SarahSosej · 17/05/2024 20:18

My DH was on a stag when I was pregnant and they went to a strip club. Out of respect for me he stood outside and chatted on the phone for over an hour until they moved on to another bar. Obviously if he’s the stag he’s less likely to get away with that. Best thing is for him to put his foot down to the organisers in advance and tell he won’t be going to one.