My boyfriend comments on other women

[Caw2024]

Hi, I'm 28 female. Partner is 29 male.

We've been together coming up 2 years in August

Over time I've noticed my boyfriend makes comments about other women but the comments are usually negative but still make me feel uncomfortable that he's even commenting.. here are some examples.

We were in a restaurant before, there was a women and man sat near us, the woman was quite fake looking. Fake lips, fake hair etc.. he said to me, look at her I'm glad you don't do all that.. it's discusting.

Another time we were walking down the street and there was a girl with bright bleached blonde hair. He said "I'm glad you don't do all that to your hair anymore, your hair is better your natural colour that you have now" (I use to have bleach blonde hair lol)

Another time there was a really skinny girl stood next to us, and when she left he said "I don't know why you always go on about losing weight.. you don't want to look like her do you! It's discusting"

There are a few more occasions these kind of comments have happened I'm not going to write them all. But why is he doing this! Why is he commenting on other women even in a negative way its so strange and really annoying me!

Different strokes for different folks. What works for her BF might not work for yours. He does sound like a tw-at.

That is because he is indeed a twat Beatrix. He's putting other women's appearance down in an attempt to shore up his own inadequacies as a person. OP bringing herself down to his base level by calling out other men on their appearance won't do her any favours.

Agree with all the misogynist comments.

But he's also shallow and boring???? Fucking hell, there's so many weird and wonderful things out there in the universe to look at and comment upon and he chooses to say nasty things about random women?
What a horrible way to think about people.

Or are you saying 'I'm all natural my hair is great my figure is just right and I dress well oh and not forgetting my perfect age and I also have a boyfriend who thinks I'm perfect'- who knows

I wouldn't get into this. It sounds utterly tedious, for one thing and do you habitually go around saying mean things? If not, don't start just to make a point. Instead simply make the point of start the conversation in plain English (if you want to give your partner a chance). 'Barry, I have noticed you saying a number of derogatory things now about women. Only women. Including XYX. Why do you do this?'

I find plenty of men VERY unattractive, plenty of awful male trends out there, but to be pointing them out to my BF every time I see a “certain guy” and remind him I’m so glad he doesn’t “look like that?”

Cringe.

If it was just ' I really don't like bleached hair', ok fine. Not nice to point out a specific person, but it's nothing shocking.

But insulting women for their permanent appearance, be it weight or surgical procedures, shows him out to be seriously immature and unpleasant. Unless he's 15, I don't know how op is still attracted to this loser.

The only way he can compliment his own gf insulting others. Or rather, he's insecure about himself and needs to feel he's pulled better than all the other uglies out there. Pathetic.

@beatrix1234

Yes, that's one way of being passive aggressive. Giving someone a taste of their own medicine is another way, whether you think so or not. It's a childish and indirect way to avoid saying 'I have a problem with something you do. Can we talk about it please?'

And it's not 'different strokes for different folks' when one piece of advice is unhealthy and others point that out.

I see the “tit for tat” thing as a great way of opening a dialogue so he can see what he’s doing. The tit for tat just by itself is juvenile.

First answer has it, he's a misogynist
Don't date him anymore

Do you have some sort of master degree in couples counselling that makes you know what is “healthy advice for people on the internet you don’t know”? Lucky 🍀

I was seeing one that did this about big boobs - saggy, spaniels ears, bet they hit her knees when she takes her bra off.

Called him out on it every time. Toward the end of the 3 month dalliance I thought I'd conduct a little experiment on his Instagram - looked through his following list and every single woman had genuinely enormous boobs. I've always been very pear shaped - small boobs compared to my hips/bum.

There's a certain breed of man that will try to build you up by tearing other women down, but it doesn't actually always indicate their preferences at all - like in my case. I guess he thought it was somehow complimentary to me, in a 'he doesn't like big boobs so he must love mine'... I just thought he was vile. It's never a good thing when they're so judgmental and obsessed with appearance - what happens if you get pregnant, or you gain/lose a lot of weight? You know he'll secretly be thinking these things about you

He's training you to look like how he wants, effectively taking away your choices if you want to stay with him.

Have you tried pointing out men and what you don't think is attractive, oh my did you see him he has overdosed the gym weights don't you think
Omg if I were a man going bald I'd just shave it off
Did you see that dad bod really let himself go
Oh my did you see that t-shirt I'm so glad you don't wear t-shirts like that

You get the idea

I could categorically never be with someone like this. You can do better than shitheads like this, OP.

It might be his way of controlling you by giving you examples of women he doesn’t find attractive- ie if you decide to start bleaching your hair again you will be a turnoff, if you want to get a tattoo you will be disgusting, etc. Maybe try turning the tables on him and not pointing out anyone in particular list some trusts you’d find unappealing - altho that would be sinking to his level….

Just seen this - absolutely

It looks like you are otherwise happy to date someone who tells you what standards he expects you to uphold by comparing others less favourably. I don't think you are connecting how his behaviour reflects a general misogynistic view. Unfortunately, some women actually start bieving their place is below that of a man's and that their opinions should be heeded.
Meantime, you might as well have some fun with reflecting his behaviour back at him, see how he takes it. Use every opportunity to comment negatively about other men. As a proper example of control, pick some trait or ability a man has, that you know your BF is considering doing himself and aspires to and say " it's truly awful, I'm glad you don't do that".
Put him back in his place.

No. It's common knowledge that 'giving your partner a taste of their own medicine' isn't a healthy relationship tactic. Go ask a relationship counsellor. You might learn something.

Is it.an attempt at a back handed compliment..towards u? In that he is saying, thank goodness you are not like that? Not appropriate

I actually don't think that he'd feel anything and that that would be giving him a taste of his own medicine at all.

Getting a taste of his own medicine would be if the women commented negatively on him to him or if the OP said to him well they probably don't think you're Brad Pitt either, look at the state of your hair/face/belly.

This actually reminds me of an ex who was adamant he wasn’t interested in big boobs and a nice bum was far more important. He wasn’t putting women down so much but he would say things to me like “they’re just made of fat, why is that supposed to be attractive?”

I have small boobs so just thought that was his preference. Then of course he cheats on me with a woman who has enormous boobs. Not sure if he was trying to compliment me or convince himself he actually liked my body type when he didn’t.

This is why my insecure side pops up every few years and has me thinking about getting a boob job 😂

That's spot on,op don't conform to his likes or dislikes.
Do what suits you and get rid of this knobber.

It's very offputting behaviour to say the least. He's making it clear that he's sizing up every woman he sees and weighing up their attributes one way or another. And feels entitled to pass judgement when he doesn't find them hot.

It would make me feel uncomfortable because it would make me aware of the fact he's also clearly looking at some women and making notes of attributes he IS attracted to. Which is human nature- it's normal to notice a handsome face or a great figure. It's just that some men cough cough feel like women owe them something nice to look at and are quite vocal if they think they're being shortchanged.

Most of us-unlike your partner- know it's rude, immature and inappropriate to walk around pronouncing our judgement over who has a nice bum or a pretty face to our partners/ whoever is in earshot at the time, including the person being talked about :/ it's hurtful and overentitled behaviour. We think our private thoughts, keep our mouths shut and get on with our day.

I don't think your partner would like it one bit if you started saying 'He's nice and tall. Why aren't you?' or if you kept pointing out men with big tummies or receding hairlines and going on about how you don't find it sexy. He wouldn't want to listen to that all day. So why should YOU have to?

Mysoginistic and controlling. He’s basically telling you how he wants you to behave.
Not his business if you want to bleach your hair or get false eyelashes.

Maybe you should do it and if he doesn’t like it he can take a hike !
He sounds horrible.