My boyfriend comments on other women

[Caw2024]

Hi, I'm 28 female. Partner is 29 male.

We've been together coming up 2 years in August

Over time I've noticed my boyfriend makes comments about other women but the comments are usually negative but still make me feel uncomfortable that he's even commenting.. here are some examples.

We were in a restaurant before, there was a women and man sat near us, the woman was quite fake looking. Fake lips, fake hair etc.. he said to me, look at her I'm glad you don't do all that.. it's discusting.

Another time we were walking down the street and there was a girl with bright bleached blonde hair. He said "I'm glad you don't do all that to your hair anymore, your hair is better your natural colour that you have now" (I use to have bleach blonde hair lol)

Another time there was a really skinny girl stood next to us, and when she left he said "I don't know why you always go on about losing weight.. you don't want to look like her do you! It's discusting"

There are a few more occasions these kind of comments have happened I'm not going to write them all. But why is he doing this! Why is he commenting on other women even in a negative way its so strange and really annoying me!

Getting a taste of his own medicine would be if the women commented negatively on him to him or if the OP said to him well they probably don't think you're Brad Pitt either, look at the state of your hair/face/belly

Yes this, it’s bizarre that some folk are thinking insulting random innocent men is the answer?

Imagine if one overheard, read your lips or just saw you sneering at him and realised you were saying something spiteful . Don’t do this @Opentooffers it’s just nasty - “making” a point by being rude about others is still being rude about others.

And even if they don’t pick up on the fact you’re talking about them , it’s still awful for you as a personal to be throwing insults about someone else to “get back at your boyfriend”. I couldn’t even fix my mouth to say those things about some random guy who hadn’t done anything to me.

Sometimes when we spend time with others we become a bit more like them, is it possible your partner has normalised being nasty about others? Ask yourself why you seized upon that idea of insulting others so quick and said you “love” the idea. Honestly I couldn’t even bring myself to be commenting rudely on random men’s bodies.

If you are going to go down that route of behaving like him - and personally I wouldn’t I’d just have it out with him - at least let your bf be the target of rude comments not other people.

And there’s a lot of talk of misogyny here which I agree with, however even if he was saying this about men too he’s deeply unpleasant and childish and rude. Why would you want to be with someone so nasty?

I also agree with pp who have said they suspect he likes a lot of the kind of women he’s criticising. He’s going out of his way to pretend he doesn’t, to disguise the fact that he does. I’ve seen this play out before with friends boyfriends when we were younger!

This is the exact type of guy who if he were to cheat would probably be choosing to do it with a bleached blonde skinny girl with cosmetic surgery. He might not see them as girlfriend material but he’d certainly like to get up close and personal with them.

And where does insulting random people come into this? As PP says, what if one overheard? Poor way to make a point.

Christ, don't do this. Why would you stoop to his level?

Just tell him to stop commenting on women's appearance, it's nothing to do with him. And if he doesn't stop, dump him.

He's a misogynistic, unpleasant, judgemental man. He's also not so subtly keeping you in your place by telling you what he approves of. Controlling. Urgh. You could do so much better OP. Run for the hills.

Why don’t you just tell him OP that when he belittles another women, he is being unkind and judgemental and you don’t find that attractive. That women can wear and do what they want and ask him if you had a daughter one day, how would he like it if strange random men were making nasty comments about her appearance. See what he says and whether he gets it.
A positive response could he is trying to reassure you (in a totally ignorant way) that he likes you as you as and doesn’t want you to change.
On the other hand, it could be he is trying to control you - keep you as you are so you don’t become more attractive to other men.
I think you can only find this out by having the conversation and seeing how he reacts.

He clearly cares about aesthetics. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
I love to discuss aesthetics with my DH. It’s not always favourable. We share the same taste in things so it’s nice to know I can be completely honest with someone.
I wouldn’t dream of discussing my thoughts with anyone else.

I actually disagree with all those saying he's a misogynistic pig etc.

OK, putting down people is never great, so I agree there... but I would translate the 'guy speak' to simply mean that he thinks he's really lucky.

Effectively what he's saying:
1st comment: That woman there is all plastic and fake, I'm really lucky you are naturally beautiful.

2nd comment: I don't understand why women dye their hair, your natural hair colour is lovely.

3rd comment: Please don't feel pressured into losing weight to bolster your self esteem, you have a lovely figure, and I'm worried that you might take it too far, become anorexic, and damage your health (like that woman).

Essentially, he's saying he loves you just the way you are, and he is telling you that you don't need to feel pressured into changing your appearance.

Women do that same... your penis is just the right size, too big hurts... I don't like bodybuilders, it's too much, you've got just the right amount of muscle... please don't shave, I like you with a bit of stubble... I like you with short hair, the long hair reminds me of Dave next door and it really didn't suit you. These are all things that either men can or cannot control, that make them think they'd be more attractive to women, and these are the reassurances that women give (by cutting down those 'other' men), effectively telling them that they are nice just the way they are.

Of course, they can all be flipped into meaning she's trying to control you... you're not allowed bigger muscles, you're not allowed to shave, you're not allowed long hair, but that's not the intent.

Er what?

Example1: I'm am nasty piece of work who bullied women who are already insecure enough to have cosmetic procedures. I think it's fine to call women disgusting.

Example 2; the only comment that's actually about a fashion trend, so permissible. Still rude to point out someone and make an example out of them.

Example 3: I body shame random women because they aren't sexy enough for me, that makes them disgusting. (Also pp, assuming thin women have mental/eating disorders - "like that woman"?) ugh. No.

Saying "please don't shave" is not remotely the same. The equivalent would be 'ew look at that guy there, I'm glad you don't shave, gross'.

If you can't see the misogyny, you're either a man like OP's boyfriend or a very gossipy woman.

@C1N1C

What's up with saying 'I'm lucky', then? Why throw in criticisms of people? Why's that necessary?

Essentially, he's saying he loves you just the way you are, and he is telling you that you don't need to feel pressured into changing your appearance.

And he can’t do that without making derogatory comments about random women? Nah not buying it.

At best he’s an immature appalling communicator. At worst he’s a misogynistic prick. Neither end of that spectrum is a great partner

Essentially, he's saying he loves you just the way you are, and he is telling you that you don't need to feel pressured into changing your appearance

What if she wants to dye her hair blonde again?

When women do that it tends to be because they are prompted to do so because the man is comparing himself to bodybuilders or asking if his penis is big enough.

They don't just randomly assume that their partner has concerns about his penis size and start reassuring him, or see a bodybuilder and make an assumption out of nowhere that their partner is probably insecure after seeing him and think that he needs reassurance that he doesn't need to change.

I think the word that's getting people is 'disgusting', because otherwise, all he's saying is that he doesn't find it attractive, is wondering why they do that, and that he finds OP attractive in her 'natural' form. I don't think it's misogynistic, because to make a fair comparison, of course, he has to compare women. Saying a man is ugly because he's fat compared to Keira Knightley doesn't work.

He didn't say she couldn't dye her hair, he simply said he wouldn't find it attractive. If your husband said he was going to shave his head, you're allowed to say it wouldn't be attractive too! It's obvious he really doesn't understand the 'synthetic' look. Women in here have consistently used the words cringe, grim, or vile for even basic things like men wearing speedos, oiling/bulking up (bodybuilding), or in those threads about what partners do that annoy them, which often end up on things like grooming habits etc. I think these things and words are comparable (cringe implies disgusting!).

I can't believe people are likening it to controlling behaviour. He's allowed his opinion. By stating a preference in anything, you are in effect, criticising something else. Women who like tall men are saying they don't find short men attractive. Him saying he doesn't like synthetic is just a different phrasing of he prefers natural.
It's a funny society when we see plus sized models on Victoria Secret adverts because of body positivity and inclusivity, but a man saying he doesn't find the unnatural, 'fake' look as controlling. You don't need to change, you're perfect just the way you are.

Of course, the majority of comments are the 'criticising other women' bit, but I really don't see it as any different than the "that dress really doesn't look good on her"... a criticism is a criticism.

What do you mean 'of course he has to compare women' in order to make a fair comparison?

Is that how you give compliments? Do you have to compare them someone who has less favorable attributes?

Can he not just simply think the OP is beautiful? or does she have to be compared to someone else in order to beautiful?

Of course, the majority of comments are the 'criticising other women' bit, but I really don't see it as any different than the "that dress really doesn't look good on her"... a criticism is a criticism.

Why on earth is pointing out random person to say whether their outfit looks good or not an acceptable thing to do to allegedly compliment his gf?

I honestly can’t understand how you see his derogatory comments about any women who first fit his ideal as being a positive towards his gf. Its horrible

If he says ‘I prefer more natural looking women’ thats ok but to point and sneer at women who don’t fit his ideal and make nasty comments about them can never be dressed up as ok however you twist it. Putting other women down to make his gf feel better does come across as misogynistic and disrespectful.

There is zero reason to put down other women/men in the street to uplift your partner.

Misogynistic or not it’s deeply unpleasant, and quite juvenile mean girl/guy behaviour.

My exes have been far from perfect but I don’t think any one of them has ever went around calling random women we encounter disgusting or pointed out someone to make an unfavourable comparison.

Example I have a big curvy Beyoncé type butt, all the men I’ve dated like big butts, they have complimented mine without pointing at the random woman in Tesco and saying how they hate a flat arse and how I should never let myself get like that.

In this case it’s also a bit of “the lady doth protest” I mean he’s going out of his way to claim he doesn’t like all these women but in this situation to me it’s a telltale sign that he probably does or why even bother commenting on them so frequently? He focuses far too much on what he allegedly doesn’t like. Strange behaviour.

The fact he voices this OP, and notices all this just on women, means he is noticing the ones he finds attractive too but just not saying those ones. Basically women are objects to be judged worthy by men.

He’s glad you ‘don’t do all that/lose weight/have blonde hair’ because he sees women as objects. Telling you he wants to present yourself a certain ‘natural’ way is a huge red flag. He just wants to own you and for you, by not ‘making an effort’ not to be seen as attractive by other men. Just so we’re clear, you are perfect as you are, I’m saying this is the way his mind works.

This is the tip of the iceberg. I’m twice your age and have seen it time and time again. Please, please get rid of him before you have his children. It can only get much, much worse.

Several reasons he does this

1. He’s eyeing them up. Bet they are all young and attractive.
2. He’s telling you how he wants you to look
3. He’s warning you to stay attractive for him
4. He’s a misogynist twat

Some bad advice in my opinion here about being a twat to prove that he is being one. I’d be more direct and ask that he stops staring at women and then telling you which things he finds unattractive because you aren’t interested.

Or I’d move on and find someone who doesn’t view women as sex objects.

@C1N1C

I think the word that's getting people is 'disgusting

Do you? That would explain why you're missing the point. It's not a word that's the problem. It's this attitude

'I don't think it's misogynistic, because to make a fair comparison, of course, he has to compare women'

Why do you think he needs to make any comparison at all? That's the misogyny, right there, in the comparison.

Just to add to my previous reply, my sister’s husband was exactly like this in the beginning. Kept a decent facade up for years with the only clue to his true self being these constant comments about other women being ‘a right state’ or ‘a mess’ or ‘like a drag queen’ or ‘an old hag’ - and yes, you guessed it…’I’m glad you’re not like that’…

The direct mental and physical abuse started when she got pregnant - when she started to show he went on at her that she was fat and ugly and needed to keep as small as possible ‘if she wanted him to stay and bring up the little bastard’. It quickly escalated. Pretending to have brought her something back from the shop but it was a dead mouse in a sandwich bag stands out to me because he did it in front of me. I was 12 and my sister was 8 months pregnant. I went NC with all of them as soon as I was old enough to have the choice.

He's trying to ensure that you don't make yourself (what he considers to be) more attractive.

He actually likes women who have that constructed look of dyed hair, excessive calorie counting thinness and obvious enhancements.

Ugh what do you see in this loser.

can you imagine the chat when he’s down the pub with the lads loudly rating women out of ten and saying things like ‘look at the state of that’ not giving a crap about the emotional/psychological damage they are causing or that might already exist in the women they are judging.

These fragile loud boorish types always think they are being subtle and look cool and funny when they’re behaving like this, I just wish they could view themselves through decent people’s eyes.

Just so you know whenever I’ve witnessed a man within a couple making derogatory comments about other women, and the girlfriend/wife says nothing laughs or shrugs it off I probably judge her harder than her Neanderthal partner, because all women know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of this nastiness. He could be dragging your reputation down too.

Also he would totally shag some of the women he judges given the opportunity.

Yep. This.
He is making sure you know that you are required to look ascetically pleasing to him at all times (based on his misogynist standards btw) otherwise he may find you 'disgusting'. What a prince.

He is not complimenting you. He is grooming you to 'know your place' and 'what is acceptable to him' for want of a better word.

I bet if you thought about dying your hair blond again, instead of enthusiastically going out and getting it done, you'll now be thinking 'oh perhaps I shouldn't, he won't like it' and then, well, you won't go out and dye your hair?

Honestly, if you stay with him you'll eventually lose all trace of who you actually are. It'll erode - boiling frog style.

The only reason he is noticing and commenting on other women (negatively) is to make sure you understand what you are not to be or become. If you lapse in that its pretty much guaranteed at some point in the near future there will also be comments about attractive women along with - you used to be that thin, why don't you wear clothes like that more often.....

Get out before you can't get out.

Two years into the relationship and you're only noticing his disgracefully misogynistic behaviour now.....?