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Original poster

How would you feel about this, presenting as single on social media

58 replies

Therapywouldbegood · 17/05/2024 06:30

Been in a relationship with someone for a few months after being single for many, many years and an abusive relationship. I had been on various dates, but felt no connection. This one felt strong connection and we fell for each other quite quickly. We see each other most days and overall its lovely, supportive, refreshing change after my previous relationships. We are late 40s

However, he is quite heavy on social media, mainly his photography of local coastal spots and plenty of him looking hot with his cute dog. I noticed he was messaging a woman regarding the dog and that her profile clearly says she was single, and she is attractive. I told him I have no issue him messaging people, but as far as she and others can see he is single. He has told me he loves me and is strongly committed to me, we have many future plans. I have not asked him to put a relationship 'status' thing on there, but to at least put some photos of us together so it is clear he is in relationship. I have said I accept it is my past experiences that make this a big issue for me, but that I need this to help me feel secure. He says I am coercive and controlling and won't do it. Our relationship has been so gentle and loving so far, I truly love him deeply and believe, or at least did believe that he does me. We just have an amazing connection.

I'm struggling to get past his refusal on this and saying I'm controlling. I've said he can talk to whoever he wants, he has loads of females on his social media commenting on stuff, but would just like some validation of our relationship on there and him not to present himself as single.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
VelvetBow · 17/05/2024 06:34

If he usually posts about other parts of his life, it's weird. He's not serious about you yet and isn't willing to put it out there so publicly. Maybe he needs more time or maybe this won't last, only time will tell.

Powderblue1 · 17/05/2024 06:34

This feels like a big red flag and like he is gaslighting you. What is his reason for not sharing his relationship with you on social media? I would find this very odd given he is a frequent poster and is messaging others in there.

FriendsDrinkBook · 17/05/2024 06:36

You don't trust him. This relationship has no future.

OmuraWhale · 17/05/2024 06:37

You've only been together for a few months OP. Leaving the social media stuff aside, it sounds like you should protect yourself by slowing things down a bit. It all sounds rather intense for such a short relationship.

Furrylittlesweetpotatoes · 17/05/2024 06:39

A few months and you’re both declaring love, you’re checking his social media for other women and he’s keeping quiet about you online.

Yep, red flags are waving.

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/05/2024 06:39

Massive red flags. He's presenting as single to attractive single women and thinks you are trying to control him when you object. This one is for the bin.

Original poster
Therapywouldbegood · 17/05/2024 06:39

He posts photos rather than writing stuff in posts, he is a really good photographer. He has one social media account just for his photography and put a couple of us on there, but they are mainly photography followers rather than people he knows.
On facebook is all family and friends and he will not put anything on it. I feel it is definitely red flag. Particularly when messaging others. I have met some of his family and friends which went really well. I feel he is keeping his options open with his female followers and told him this but he says its controlling

OP posts:
Original poster
Therapywouldbegood · 17/05/2024 06:39

He posts photos rather than writing stuff in posts, he is a really good photographer. He has one social media account just for his photography and put a couple of us on there, but they are mainly photography followers rather than people he knows.
On facebook is all family and friends and he will not put anything on it. I feel it is definitely red flag. Particularly when messaging others. I have met some of his family and friends which went really well. I feel he is keeping his options open with his female followers and told him this but he says its controlling

OP posts:
SOSyoucandothis · 17/05/2024 06:40

If his social media account is for business use - to promote himself as a photographer for example - then I don't think the same rules apply as if it's a private social media account for his personal use only.

I have a account on social media with a significant following which focuses on my business niche, and found that whenever I posted pictures of myself and my ex on there I lost followers as it deviated from the subject of my account. So I didn't do that much and just shared pictures of us on stories.

If it's a focused account with a marketing strategy you are being unreasonable to expect to be all over it. But I think it would be reasonable for him to post pictures of you two occasionally on Stories for example to help reassure you.

If it's just a private account, and he posts about his life regularly, then I would expect to be posted on there. If he's fussy about aesthetic with a photography style say you'd love to take nice photos that would fit! People can be funny about what the 'grid' looks like!

SOSyoucandothis · 17/05/2024 06:42

Ultimately, you should trust him. If you don't, and that's why you want him to post pictures then yes - he's right that your being controlling. Sorry!

I do totally get why you feel the way you do though.

0w1 · 17/05/2024 06:44

I think this is your first indication that this is not the guy. I also have an abusive x. The couple of relationships I had after that (even with a FIVE YEAR GAP) were different kinds of abuse. They were gentler in their approach to suiting themselves, but yet, when I looked back, I could see that AGAIN, I had set aside my needs to fall into step with their agendas.

My facebook doesn't give any relationship details, but I'm not messaging any men despite having a boyfriend.

I'm not saying that it's healthy to be terrified of losing your girlfriend but if you really value her, you would not do things that hurt/confuse/disrespect her. I eventually met a man whose behaviour to me made that so obvious. I'm glad I have that yardstick now.

Original poster
Therapywouldbegood · 17/05/2024 06:48

SOSyoucandothis · 17/05/2024 06:40

If his social media account is for business use - to promote himself as a photographer for example - then I don't think the same rules apply as if it's a private social media account for his personal use only.

I have a account on social media with a significant following which focuses on my business niche, and found that whenever I posted pictures of myself and my ex on there I lost followers as it deviated from the subject of my account. So I didn't do that much and just shared pictures of us on stories.

If it's a focused account with a marketing strategy you are being unreasonable to expect to be all over it. But I think it would be reasonable for him to post pictures of you two occasionally on Stories for example to help reassure you.

If it's just a private account, and he posts about his life regularly, then I would expect to be posted on there. If he's fussy about aesthetic with a photography style say you'd love to take nice photos that would fit! People can be funny about what the 'grid' looks like!

@SOSyoucandothis Its other way round, he has a couple of pics of us on his business one (which were hugely liked and popular), nothing on his personal one

OP posts:
SnapdragonToadflax · 17/05/2024 06:50

Hmm. If it's a personal account with other real-life things on there (holidays, days out etc) then yes, I would be concerned. But if it's just a photography account specifically for coastal walks and his dog... I think that's fine. It's sort of like a business or brand page, even if he's not making money off it.

I follow quite a lot of photography accounts and I would be surprised if most of them started posting pictures of their partners. That's not the theme, and is irrelevant to the subject (which is why I follow them).

It depends a lot on context.

Ah, just posted and saw your update. In that case it is concerning, yes.

Original poster
Therapywouldbegood · 17/05/2024 06:54

Sorry, I didn't make it clear - the business type one I am not bothered about, and was surprised he did put a couple of us on there.

It's his personal one that he has nothing of us on, he has hundreds of people on there though and not just close personal friends/family. This one I noticed him messaged is clearly single, shows her single status, and keeps the conversation going, well they both do. She will have no idea he is in a relationship and I suspect waiting to be asked on a date or something. He has previously like selfies of her... yeah, yeah I know I stalked...

OP posts:
trickotreat · 17/05/2024 07:01

I know people who don't ever put personal relationship photos on social media. How many months have you been dating? 6 or 24?

If it's not a long relationship of say a year or more, some people resist posting as it means they have to go deleting the photos if they break up or worse have a bunch of photos of different exes on their profile.

It's just SM caution for them. You've met family and friends so he's not hiding you.

RedCoffeeCup · 17/05/2024 07:08

He's not ready to publicly acknowledge you as his partner yet, and is possibly open to other offers. I think you need to take a step back and make sure you're not getting more deeply involved than he is.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 17/05/2024 07:11

I've said he can talk to whoever he wants, he has loads of females on his social media commenting on stuff, but would just like some validation

This does sound just like the controlling type who says, "I let her do all these things, it's just this one thing I'd like her to respect me (ie do as I say)."

That's not to say don't be cautious. I agree with the PP who said slow down: it's early days. Don't merge your lives too much yet, keep some things separate just for you (like SM for example) and be prepared to walk away if messaging women or anything else becomes an issue.

Lookingforunicorns · 17/05/2024 07:12

Deleted

SallyWD · 17/05/2024 07:14

Maybe he just shares photos and no personal stuff? I just share photos of nice places I've been. I don't put anything about my relationship...However, if you don't trust him it's not good.

Jk987 · 17/05/2024 07:17

Does everyone really update their relationship status in social media? I don't think they do. Mine is always blank.

Blueuggboots · 17/05/2024 07:19

The fact that he's calling you controlling is the biggest red flag rather than not putting photos up although I understand why you feel uncomfortable with that.

Original poster
Therapywouldbegood · 17/05/2024 07:19

I'm not talking about relationship status - yes definitely leave that blank. I just wanted him to post a photo to acknowledge us

I do get its cause of my past experiences and trauma and being cheated on. But if he loves me like he says he does I cannot get why this is an issue, and can only view it as keeping his options open

OP posts:
Original poster
Therapywouldbegood · 17/05/2024 07:20

Blueuggboots · 17/05/2024 07:19

The fact that he's calling you controlling is the biggest red flag rather than not putting photos up although I understand why you feel uncomfortable with that.

Yep, having been controlled by previous partners I felt particularly upset by this. And it was only that the therapist he saw said I wasn't that he seemed able to accept it

OP posts:
FriendsDrinkBook · 17/05/2024 07:24

Why does this have to be about your so-called issues and past relationship baggage op? Couldn't it simply be that you sense that he isn't as serious about your relationship as you are. The bottom line is that you are not happy with something and he has done nothing to reassure you.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 17/05/2024 07:29

Therapywouldbegood · 17/05/2024 07:19

I'm not talking about relationship status - yes definitely leave that blank. I just wanted him to post a photo to acknowledge us

I do get its cause of my past experiences and trauma and being cheated on. But if he loves me like he says he does I cannot get why this is an issue, and can only view it as keeping his options open

Still sounds like: "It's only because previous gfs have cheated on me that I ask her not to wear those short skirts. If she really loved me, she'd do it to please me."

I think you're used to being in a controlling relationship and, although you've recognised it and got out, there are still some elements you've not quite sorted out in your mind are unacceptable. Nobody gets to say "if you loved me, you'd do this thing I ask."

It may be that he's being unreasonable. In which case be prepared to walk away. But you can't change his behaviour and even if you somehow did, the underlying beliefs would still be there.