How would you feel about this, presenting as single on social media

[Therapywouldbegood]

Been in a relationship with someone for a few months after being single for many, many years and an abusive relationship. I had been on various dates, but felt no connection. This one felt strong connection and we fell for each other quite quickly. We see each other most days and overall its lovely, supportive, refreshing change after my previous relationships. We are late 40s

However, he is quite heavy on social media, mainly his photography of local coastal spots and plenty of him looking hot with his cute dog. I noticed he was messaging a woman regarding the dog and that her profile clearly says she was single, and she is attractive. I told him I have no issue him messaging people, but as far as she and others can see he is single. He has told me he loves me and is strongly committed to me, we have many future plans. I have not asked him to put a relationship 'status' thing on there, but to at least put some photos of us together so it is clear he is in relationship. I have said I accept it is my past experiences that make this a big issue for me, but that I need this to help me feel secure. He says I am coercive and controlling and won't do it. Our relationship has been so gentle and loving so far, I truly love him deeply and believe, or at least did believe that he does me. We just have an amazing connection.

I'm struggling to get past his refusal on this and saying I'm controlling. I've said he can talk to whoever he wants, he has loads of females on his social media commenting on stuff, but would just like some validation of our relationship on there and him not to present himself as single.

Any thoughts?

If it was me, I would rely to one of his Facebook posts to see what kind of reaction it got from him.

Theres a difference between keeping a relationship private and secret, and it seems he is doing the latter

He says I am coercive and controlling

It's dead in the water already, whether he capitulates now or not.

If a photo of the two of you on a Facebook profile is what this relationship hinges on, with respect OP, it's fucked.

Its a sad world when we judge relationships and where we stand with someone by their behaviour towards us on social media.

People seem to have lost sight of the real world, meet someone’s friends and family?

That’s nice but not really important.
Don’t add pictures and update social media statuses?
Clearly they’re not that into you.

Personally I find all these excessive social media posts where people gush over their relationships cringeworthy. And in my experience, the more people post about heir relationships on social media the more they’re trying to prove a point, usually to themselves.

I clearly remember going out for dinner with my now eXH, and he checked in with me and put dinner with the love of my life.@ We’d gone there to talk about whether we should get divorced 😂.

I’ve been with my partner now for eleven years, and can count on one hand the number of times I’ve mentioned him on social media. There are no pictures of us on there, and I have no relationship status. But my friends and family know we’re together.

Also I do think that telling someone they need to do x because of your previous experiences is incredibly manipulative. It may not be intended to be, but if you were a woman posting that your male partner was doing the same people would be telling you it was a red flag.

If you don’t trust him then end it.

But real relationships aren’t defined by what you say or who you talk to on social media.

I wouldn’t post any pics until at least after 6 months as I’d want to know it was long term before announcing to the social media world

Massive red flag. I suggest walking away now. The same thing happened to me last year and the person in question was continuing to use Instagram as a dating app to meet women while lying about being serious about our relationship.

I agree and even after 6 months I’d be hesitant because quite frankly my private home life is no one else’s business. I’m a bit long in the tooth to be FB official

You aren't ready for a relationship right now. It might be best for you to stay single.

You're not giving him a fresh start, and you're carrying baggage from past relationships into this one.

You don't trust him, you're spying on him, trying to control his actions and online posts. He doesn't have to share anything about his private life if he doesn't want to; many people keep their relationships offline.

You need to end this relationship and stay single until you're in a healthier state of mind for a relationship.

You're not currently in the right mental state for a relationship.

Continuing as you are will likely sabotage any chance of a healthy relationship with anyone.

This relationship is too intense for just a few months; it's destined to fail.

Therapy could be helpful, as well as staying off social media. You need to learn to validate yourself without relying on social media or a boyfriend.