How would you feel about this, presenting as single on social media

[Therapywouldbegood]

Been in a relationship with someone for a few months after being single for many, many years and an abusive relationship. I had been on various dates, but felt no connection. This one felt strong connection and we fell for each other quite quickly. We see each other most days and overall its lovely, supportive, refreshing change after my previous relationships. We are late 40s

However, he is quite heavy on social media, mainly his photography of local coastal spots and plenty of him looking hot with his cute dog. I noticed he was messaging a woman regarding the dog and that her profile clearly says she was single, and she is attractive. I told him I have no issue him messaging people, but as far as she and others can see he is single. He has told me he loves me and is strongly committed to me, we have many future plans. I have not asked him to put a relationship 'status' thing on there, but to at least put some photos of us together so it is clear he is in relationship. I have said I accept it is my past experiences that make this a big issue for me, but that I need this to help me feel secure. He says I am coercive and controlling and won't do it. Our relationship has been so gentle and loving so far, I truly love him deeply and believe, or at least did believe that he does me. We just have an amazing connection.

I'm struggling to get past his refusal on this and saying I'm controlling. I've said he can talk to whoever he wants, he has loads of females on his social media commenting on stuff, but would just like some validation of our relationship on there and him not to present himself as single.

Any thoughts?

Good point, I don't get to say if you loved me do x.... but I have said I feel really insecure that you are messaging single women, and that these people believe you are single, and you are doing nothing to contradict this. I have said it makes me feel like I'm nothing, and that you are keeping options open

Instead of understanding how I feel I am called controlling, though now with help of therapist he says he recognises I am not controlling

Even if you don't get to say it, you'd still hope to see him make adjustments to help you feel more secure. I'm not calling you controlling.

It's only been a couple of months, not unreasonable that he wants to wait a bit before posting you.

I agree. I certainly wouldn’t be posting photos with a new partner on SM after a few months. I only ever post a few photos on SM if I’ve been out etc. Some people like to keep their home life private - it’s not an issue imo. I would be more in his camp finding demands to post my private life online irritating and quite immature and needy.

The fact you say you love him very deeply after a few months does seem like you’re trying to rush things if I’m honest. You don’t really know someone well enough after a few short months when you’re still in the honeymoon period.

Your pressuring him to post you - and he's said he feels this behaviour is controlling.

That doesn't mean you are a controlling toxic partner OP. Non of us are saying that.

BUT you feeling insecure and therefore wanting him to post you to validate you - and being frustrated when he won't - IS a controlling action.

The him-messaging-a-single-girl thing is a totally separate issue. But your using this as a defence for why you are insisting he post you.

You need to let go of his social media posting habits. At best, tell him you would love him to post a picture of you both on there when he's ready - then leave it a few months and see if he does in his own time.

Re the messaging another women, you either need to trust him and stop snooping. Or call him out and say it makes you feel insecure and see if his response makes you feel worse or better.

I think you are being a bit controlling and untrusting to be honest OP. I have an Instagram account but I didn't post a photo of my DP until well over a year into our relationship. And since then have only probably posted 2-3 photos of us in total. My DP doesn't have social media. He doesn't even have a WhatsApp profile photo! Not everyone is comfortable with broadcasting their private lives on the internet. Pets / countryside / photography aren't really personal matters. I find it far easier to share photos of my dogs then ones of real people!

OP, I message people that I know (men and women!) on social media and never point out that I'm not single?! I also don't really care about the relationship status of anyone I talk to. It's just small talk (usually about dogs or holiday destinations!). I am madly in love with my DP and would never cheat on him in a million years but I like having friendly chit chat with others over common interests. I think you're putting a lot on this bloke you've been seeing a few months... What do you expect him to say to people?

"That's a brilliant photo Steve"
"Thanks BUT I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND SO PLEASE DON'T CONTACT ME AGAIN!!!!"
"Your dog looks cute"
"LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!"

Unless he's actively messaging women and flirting / arranging to meet up then I'm not really sure what your problem is...

Yeah it's a bit weird. At least put a photo on of you together. But I wouldn't want him to do it now, I'd want him to do it off his own back.
I've known men like this and they don't want to stop the female affirmation he gets

I agree. The last man I dated started posting photos of us together after a few weeks and I asked him not to. Not because I was trying to pretend I was single just that I’m very private about my personal life.

In fact he changed his profile photo to us together after about 3 months of dating and that really pissed me off. Thats controlling and needy imo.

Too much overthinking here - people work at different paces. Last relationship we did put a pic up after a month. But I know people who will wait 6 months. Who knows how it will go and many do not want to put a new pic up every 6 months. If its a year in, then maybe but I see no issue with it as it is.

Same with the other women thing. I have lots of female friends. I go out socially with them, even dinner. They are friends. Just because they are female does not mean I want to jump on top of them.

OP - I do get what you are thinking, we often need affirmation and to know we are 'safe'but if I was you OH I would be feeling a bit nagged (not controlled) so ease up a bit on that if everything else is good

I've been married 28 years and use Facebook a fair bit- I don't have my relationship status on there and can count on 1 hand pics I've put up with my H on them- same goes for him too- I would ignore it OP- any attractive bloke will often have equally attractive friends/acquaintances-yep she may well be hoping for a date- she isn't getting one is she.

Unfortunately, that's your past controlling your thoughts and being made evident. Ultimately you may find if you push this issue the relationship will not last.

A relationship status will not stop female affirmations or women reaching out. You cannot control it.

OP the main thing that stood out to me is that you’ve had a discussion with him saying that your past experience has made you insecure, and he’s responded saying you’re coercive and controlling. He knows your past experience but is using this choice of words, it feels like this is done to make you back away from your request because you don’t want to him to feel how you have in the past.

I do think that he is reasonable to not want to splash his relationship all over his social media when it’s only been a few months. I personally would feel cautious in the early days in case it didn’t work out, even if I loved them.
That said, I wouldn’t be constantly messaging someone of the opposite sex while appearing to be single.

Given some of his family and friends have met you, it seems reasonable that you could comment on his photos “love this babe”, “this was such a great day”, “dog is so cute, can’t wait until we take him out next week” (Maybe not the best examples but you get the picture).
It’s subtle but indicates to any interested women that he’s not single, without putting pressure on him.
Obviously if he reacts badly to you doing it then you need to ask him why.

@Missamyp It does a lot of the time, and vice versa. My friends get creeps all over their profiles then once they publicly say they're in a relationship or put a photo up it stops.
And if they do keep giving him attention, fine but he needs to show he's not available. The fact he shows photos of all sorts of other things, why not OP?

I'm not sure how posting a photo strengthens a relationship. If you don't trust him then maybe it's not the right time for you to be with someone.

@Igetolderbutneverwiser

Given some of his family and friends have met you, it seems reasonable that you could comment on his photos “love this babe”, “this was such a great day”, “dog is so cute, can’t wait until we take him out next week”

Oh FFS. No please don't do this. It looks very sad.

OP, you either trust him or you don't. If you do then it doesn't matter whether he posts photos of you or chats to other women (innocently) because you accept he's committed to you. Facebook or not.

If you don't trust him then no amount of posting photos, changing relationship status will make a difference. What would happen if he posted 20 photos of you declaring how gorgeous you are and how much he loves you but then still messages his female friends / acquaintances??? Would you be ok with that?

Just to add, we know a couple who are ALWAYS completely OTT with each other on social media "love you soooo much babe" "best hubby / wifey EVER!!!!" (yep, sickening but you get the gist.) Anyway, the wife found out a few months ago that he has been having an affair for well over a year. So just goes to show no matter the outpouring of (false) affection on SM, doesn't reflect what's going on behind closed doors.

Because the "other things" are animals, objects and scenery - not exactly personal are they?

I'm exactly the same. I love posting photos of my dogs out having fun in lovely countryside locations but have probably only posted 3 photos of me and DP our entire relationship! I love him with all my heart and fancy the pants off him and in the "real world" we are very affectionate, loving and quite obviously a couple. But I just don't like publishing photos online like "look at us, look how happy we are". I've never been like that and never will be. And as per my previous post, I know couples who ARE like that but then behind closed doors they're hugely miserable.

What is this thing about "unless it's on social media it isn't true"????

A few months is quite early to post photos together for some people. I started posting photos with my now DH after about a year, still no ‘lovey dovey’ photos but just photos of us visiting places, my DH has never ever posted a photo of us together (but he doesn’t post anything else either). But actively wanting to appear single and chatting to women as a single man isn’t great. I think you have to wait and see.

@Starlight1979 We're not big social media users either and do agree that some of the biggest posters about their relationship don't have the best relationship.
I just think even just one little declaration would go a long way and then it doesn't need to be posted about again, either relationship status or one profile pic together.
I've just known so many men who like to keep looking single for a reason

It's a bit intense that you love him so soon and him looking single on his social media which is a massive red flag but to me, a grown man nearly 50 who is on social media posting would put me off and don't find it attractive for a grown man his age posting photos of himself with his dog. I can understand for photography if he kept it professional but oh well...

Social media is a toxic waste bin. Using it heavily is a red flag in itself.

If his relationship status on there is publicly stating single that's more of an issue than not showing any relationship status at all.

It sounds intense to be both saying I love you after a few months. To be honest it would really annoy me if a partner was pestering me to acknowledge them on social media. I’m quite private & I think it comes across as needy. I also think it’s pretty meaningless as others have said- the couples that are constantly gushing about each other on social media are often compensating for something.

So is he saying he’ll never post about your relationship? Or just that he’s not ready right now? Has he ever posted anything on his previous relationships?
Tbh, this would trigger me hugely. My ex partner didn’t post one single photo of us together, and I was never mentioned… he wanted to appear single on his account as to attract female attention. I found this out from all his messaging. It might just be that’s he’s not ready just yet, but it will come. If it doesn’t… well I think you know the answer to that one

Sorry OP but I think it’s you who’s the red flag here. Are you sure you’re ready for a relationship? It might sound harsh, but your past issues are not his responsibility - it’s up to you to deal with your insecurities within yourself and not project them onto a partner. I used to be like you, and I wondered why I kept getting dumped. Years of therapy later and I can see why.

Now obviously if he was having flirtatious or sexual chats with people over social media that would be an issue but it doesn’t sound like this is the case - it sounds more like idle small talk with his friends and acquaintances, some of whom happen to be single and female?

I really wouldn’t take kindly to being told I had to declare I wasn’t single on social media or have my activity/messaging policed. It is controlling. If you don’t feel you can trust him then you have two choices - ask yourself whether he’s really doing anything untrustworthy and if not, work on your own issues, or if you can’t, break up with him. Being in a relationship is about choosing to believe and trust each other. But it all sounds way too intense with declarations of deep love after only a few months.