Just had a baby, feel like i’m going out of my mind! Is it me or him?

[EssexStreetOctober]

I really, really need to know if this is me being awkward or if in my position you’d struggle like I am? I’m reaching breaking point. I don’t want to drip feed so here it goes -

Been together 21 years. Not married. Childhood sweethearts. We have one teenage child, one 5 year old and a 4 month old - years and years of fertility treatments if that’s relevant. I think i’m still extra hormonal from all of the IVF drugs & i’m due my second proper period any day now and feel like i’m going to explode!

DP and his family have a small, successful company. He’s not a millionaire but comfortable. Mortgage was paid off 5 year’s ago and since then DP has taken a massive step back from work, valuing time more than money so to speak. This means he’s home ALOT. Like constantly. He doesn’t have hobbies these days, he seems very settled and content just
plodding along at home.

He does still work of course, but mainly it’s dealing with emails at home, placing orders from home etc… Fairly straightforward stuff that’s all done at home.

I work, I’m freelance. I LOVE working, it brings me a sense of purpose. DP doesn’t like it much when my work inconveniences him in any way but does support me working. I’ve sacrificed a lot of myself for him to be successful- common theme for women, I know.

If I didn’t work then we wouldn’t starve and the bills would still be paid so in that sense I don’t HAVE to work I suppose, but my money puts petrol in the car, pays for teens school meals, any bits and bobs of clothing the kids need, my gym membership and just basically anything I see online that I or the kids need. It’s a self respect thing, even though he could probably take care of all that for a time- I wouldn’t want him to, and I know we’d really start to feel it financially if he did have to pay for everything constantly. It’s important to say that he’s generous though and if I need or want something that I can’t afford at the time then he’d sort it, no qualms. What’s his is mine in that sense. Does money get thrown in my face sometimes? Yes, money is power isn’t it and he has more than me. One of the reasons i’m desperate to work more once the baby is a little older.

When we only had teenager I freelanced 3 days per week and some evenings every week for one particular company. Things changed when I had my second child. The work dried up, Covid hit, and me and my partner were home together constantly. THIS HASN’T CHANGED! 5 years down the line and it’s still the same. It was at that time he took a step back from work, and my work had dried up. I searched high and low for any other work I could find just so that we could spend some time apart. It wasn’t healthy and we were arguing a lot. He expressed no desire to take a hobby up or get out of the house much, so I had to.

I found more work (In a field totally unrelated to what I usually do) And then after a while the company I’d always freelanced for offered me more hours again, and things got better between us because we were having space. Even when I was pregnant with baby number 3, I was working out of the house until 2am some evenings because it was the only chance I had to be alone, and of course the money helped. This work started drying up again when I was 7 month’s pregnant but with baby on the way I needed to think about winding down anyway.

Fast forward now. My new baby is 4 months. My reality is that it’s me and him in this house together 24/7 - everywhere I move he is there. He has a habit (boredom maybe?) Of rearranging things and moving things and I never know where anything is. There’s constant stuff and mess everywhere. It all feels out of control and like this isn’t my home.

He also has a habit of having work done to the house now that we are mortgage free - there’s constantly workmen here and I just want peace and quiet with my new baby. It took me so many year’s to complete my family and this is my last child and I just want to try and enjoy it all as much as I can.

There’s not one time, EVER that I can sit alone with a coffee watching TV. He is there. I can’t clean my house in peace or sort/organise anything because he is there. I get NO alone time. I’m 4 months post partum and I feel so very angry. I’m losing my shit constantly. I feel like I cannot breathe. My heart is permanently racing. Nothing is neat and organised in the house because it’s too “lived in” He’s constantly making cups of teas and using the kitchen and just being here?! It‘s important to say that he does load the dishwasher, make the beds etc… but he doesn’t “properly” clean.

I feel like I have no choice whatsoever but to drive around or walk around aimlessly with my baby - just to get out of the house away from him. He barely leaves, so I have to. After school hours i’m so busy ferrying the older two to
activities and cooking dinner etc, same as most of us.

This means I can’t get anything done at home. I feel like I can’t just sit and relax with my baby and play together- I need to get out. I cannot sit with him day in, day out. I feel like i’m going mental and it’s all so overwhelming.

We argue so much lately, because being together constantly is so unhealthy but he doesn’t see it?! I feel pushed out of the home with my baby because the alternative is stay in and argue and feel stifled. I’m nowhere near as productive when he’s home. I’m like superwoman on the rare occasion he isn’t there. Why is that? It’s like all my energy leaves my body when he’s here - which is 98% of the time.

Is this me? Should I be grateful he’s around 24/7? I am grateful to a degree, I know in some ways it’s a beautiful luxury but my God, it doesn’t feel like it? I feel trapped and anxious and like this isn’t my home. I hate it. It’s chaotic with constant workmen and I just resent him for always just being here, in my way.

Any advice would be so appreciated.

That would drive me insane. I’ve not been in your position however if I was I would ask DH to do errands. He should be doing his fair share anyway such as picking up the older kids and taking them places. That way you could have time on your own.

@Daisys24 Thank you. You don’t know how much it means that you’ve said that because I feel like I’m actually going INSANE!

He can’t stand when I fall apart in any way. If I get het up or upset he can’t stand it and says i’m giving him anxiety and shouts me down. He shouts so loudly. He can’t see that this situation isn’t normal at all.

“Does the money get thrown in my face sometimes? Yes money is power isn’t it”

Wtf @EssexStreetOctober

That’s not normal or acceptable in a healthy relationship. I earn 3x what my DP earns (we don’t live together). When we do end up living together he will likely move into a house I own, and I will continue to earn a lot more than me. I love and respect him for what he brings to our relationship (which includes him being a bloody hard worker, in a career less lucrative than mine). I would never ever throw my money in his face.

My ex H earned more than I did for most of our marriage (in recent years bc children were little, I took on all the caring responsibilities as well as working 4 days a week) and it was constantly used as a means to control me. Ironically after I left him I quickly overtook him salary wise.

Your H sounds a lot like my exH @EssexStreetOctober and my life has been so much better since I left him in 2022.

This.

This is not normal. He should have grounds, hobbies etc that take him out if the house. He sounds suffocating.

Garden room? Go off and have a woman cave of your own? Decorate it to your liking.. escape down there with baby or whatever.. return when you’re feeling able..

I feel trapped and anxious and like this isn’t my home.
You are trapped which is why you are anxious. Whose house is it btw? Do you have any legal documentation regarding percentage of ownership?

I think you need to tell him he has to provide you with a calming baby room for a certain amount of hours a day, free from him and any builders or their noise. Just one room (preferably with the TV and sofa). The whole point of maternity leave is for a woman's body to heal, for her hormones to settle and for bonding with the baby. A good father should facilitate that healing time.

And no, it's not you.

"He shouts so loudly. He can’t see that this situation isn’t normal at all."

"Does the money get thrown in my face sometimes? Yes money is power isn’t it”

This is not ok.

It all sounds completely suffocating. I'm an introvert and having my DP at home 24/7 and in adition to that workmen almost constantly is my idea of hell on earth. I completely understand how you feel. It would crush my mental health.

Thank you all so very much for replying. Honestly I feel as though i’m going mad and it’s a relief to know that actually, others would feel similarly to me- completely suffocated.

I’ve been questioning am I an awful person for howI I feel, or if it’s just my hormones exacerbating everything.

I know I’m difficult to live with because I’m getting moody easily, and i’m up and down all of the time - but these are the reasons why i’m like that. It’s not for nothing.

@AutumnFroglets No, it’s all in his name - ridiculous I know. The plan was a civil partnership next year but I can’t even bare to think about it at the minute.

@EssexStreetOctober you are “moody” because you are having a rational reaction to someone treating you like shit. You have a tiny baby, a small child and a teenage. You must be exhausted. A loving partner would be looking after you, not creating more work and shouting at you while he sits on his aree and does nothing.

I say this with love as I was married to someone who was similarly unpleasant and useless and as a result I was permanently angry and aggressive. I feel like a different person since we split.

Why isn't he doing the hobby runs..taking the baby out for a walk etc. Would you suggest counselling as he is not listening to your needs? Can ye sit down at a time when you are not stressed and explain how you feel..not in a row..but in a conversation.? It's unusual to have someone at home all day with a small baby as that usually only happens in retirement when dc are gone. You have my sympathy. That situation would do my head in. And not married..no rights. Very serious with small children and a family business!!

Have you asked him for alone time? Sometimes women "suck it up" and sacrifice themselves for everyone else, but could you say to him "I'm really struggling, and need just 30min a day for myself". He could take the kids outside for a stroll, or even just into another room. Or could you fall into a morning routine where you wake up a little earlier for a coffee in peace? I have been really strict with myself and dh that I need 15min every morning for my "morning stretches" and it really keeps me happy. But I do need to be strict with myself, advocate for myself.

Why dont you have a cleaner? Your do has enough money to retire very early and comfortably, why is there no cleaner in the house? Even twice a week?

why are you doing all the ferrying around and making dinner? Surely cooking should be his job.

he doesnt sound like he is pulling his weight.

Easy for me to say but all your anger and issues would lift away from him. It doesn’t sound like he adds joy to your life, sounds like he drains like my ‘D’ P

@EssexStreetOctober everything is in his name??? After 21 years and kids?
You have no legal relationship and your rights are diminished. This is something to be losing sleep over!

It does sound dreadful and suffocating and you are not insane for feeling this way. He obviously needs to sort something out for himself (but he won’t I guess, but he doesn’t sound happy either really), but in the meantime get out. Get a gym membership, start being more ‚you‘ in your home. It’s hard I know when you are with a shouty man who is always there, but the only way out is through. Or leaving. And only you can know if it’s worth it.

Sounds very claustrophobic for sure
Get a cleaner
He takes the baby to swim lessons every week (or another activity) or he has her 1 afternoon a week where you get to go out and meet friends or do anything you want
Do you share the school runs? If not why not?

Thank you all, I appreciate the input.

It’s only fair to explain that regarding household chores he isn’t lazy. He does pull his weight. He’ll clean around the kitchen, load the dishwasher, unload it etc. So he should, I know!

He doesn’t do deep cleans or organise certain things, but then I wouldn’t want him organising my things - I want the time to do that myself.

As I said in opening post, he moves things around sometimes and it drives me mental as I never know where things are and stuff isn’t organised the way i’d like, so it’s easy for me to find so to speak.

I go the gym and go out with friends. He does have the kids whilst I do these things- again, so he should. My issue is no time alone at home ever and feeling like I have no choice but to drive around most of the day 🙁

Will come back in a minute to say more once i’ve finished the food shop!

Does he have any idea how you feel?

I completely agree, i would go mad in this set up too, and i adore my DH.

Having no time alone in your home is horrendous and very claustrphophic. l know exactly what you mean when you say you feel energised if you just get some space to yourself. But what's more concerning is that the house, and everything, is in his name so you have no legal rights over the property! I would be getting that sorted out asap.

This sounds very difficult. But the lack of alone time is not your biggest issue. As a PP said, why is the family home only in his name? That’s very wrong and should be fixed ASAP.

Regarding why we don’t have a cleaner - I don’t bring much to the table in terms of finances in the grand scheme of things and I don’t work full time, so it seems indulgent and money that could be spent elsewhere. I feel that I have “No right” to a cleaner, so to speak.

When I was working, my hours as a freelancer were strange. Sometimes til 2am, and always at least one day or evening per weekend. I’m desperately hoping to get back to work, I need to make more contacts and get myself back out there so that I can earn more going forward, but at the moment I feel it’s very difficult. 3 kids with such varied age gaps, such different sets of needs, a home to try and run and all of the admin that comes with kids and life, it feels like such a mountain to climb (Finding more work) At only 4 month’s post partum.

Why isn’t my name on the house? I suppose in a nutshell i’ve never earned anywhere near what he does and I do feel I sacrificed a lot 15 year’s ago when I became a mum quite young. I know i’ve taken a step back and not pushed myself to work more hours and earn more - because it’s easier for him. I’m not blaming him for that, that’s on me. That’s my mistake to live with.

I suppose he doesn’t want my name on the house. Part of me understands why in a way because I don’t contribute much, do I? So I suppose really he’s protecting what he worked for?

I have daughter’s, and I wouldn’t understand if this was their situation. I’d go mad that they didn’t have security, so I don’t know why i’m being so blasé about my own security. I think i’m
a bit ashamed of how little I’ve actually contributed over the years given i’m not scared of hard work and do have skills to offer. I’m mortified actually if I really think about it.

Another point to note - this seems to be the straw that broke the camel’s back for me last week. I offered all of the workmen a sausage sandwich. He was outside talking to them and looking at the job that they were doing. When the sandwiches were done he came in, said “Look at the state of them” about how i’d made/cut the sausages and sandwiches. He ushered me out of the way saying he’d do it. He just completely took over in MY kitchen, in MY space. I lost it. My hormones just went mental. I said “How fucking dare you. Do you think I’m incompetent?” Can’t remember much about what else I said because I honestly saw red and feel like I blacked out. I then had a mini asthma attack. It was awful. I just remember him panicking that I was making a scene!!

I can’t stop thinking about it. Just the lack of respect for my space?

If you’re both home a lot together why don’t you do things as a family with your new baby?

park walks, baby groups etc or even better give him the baby and say you’re off to get your nails done, go for a coffee alone etc!

I don't have any advice but it's really normal to feel like this because as much as I love my dh I could not stand him
Being off work. You need a break from one another. This working from home malarkey must be killing a lot of relationships. I think you're gonna have to sit him down and tell him how you feel that he should go out a couple of days to work or at least get out of your hair. The early days with baby are so precious I totally get you need time just one to one at home with him / her 💐

Could you have a calm conversation with him?
Explain how you are feeling and maybe make a plan?
Last year my husband had a very bad car accident and after her was back on his feet and back at work he remained working from home. I also felt I couldn't get anything done, I felt I had to keep the dogs quiet and keep the kids quiet while he was working and found myself avoiding being home taking kids and dogs with me 🤣 he was also spending a lot of with me just sat on the sofa I found it suffocating.
I spoke to him and told him that although I loved him and spending time with him we needed more structure to reduce my snappiness and stress.
We put in structured work hours for him and I would make myself busy. We would plan lunches together on certain days and time spent together and apart. It really did help out relationship