Just had a baby, feel like i’m going out of my mind! Is it me or him?

[EssexStreetOctober]

I really, really need to know if this is me being awkward or if in my position you’d struggle like I am? I’m reaching breaking point. I don’t want to drip feed so here it goes -

Been together 21 years. Not married. Childhood sweethearts. We have one teenage child, one 5 year old and a 4 month old - years and years of fertility treatments if that’s relevant. I think i’m still extra hormonal from all of the IVF drugs & i’m due my second proper period any day now and feel like i’m going to explode!

DP and his family have a small, successful company. He’s not a millionaire but comfortable. Mortgage was paid off 5 year’s ago and since then DP has taken a massive step back from work, valuing time more than money so to speak. This means he’s home ALOT. Like constantly. He doesn’t have hobbies these days, he seems very settled and content just
plodding along at home.

He does still work of course, but mainly it’s dealing with emails at home, placing orders from home etc… Fairly straightforward stuff that’s all done at home.

I work, I’m freelance. I LOVE working, it brings me a sense of purpose. DP doesn’t like it much when my work inconveniences him in any way but does support me working. I’ve sacrificed a lot of myself for him to be successful- common theme for women, I know.

If I didn’t work then we wouldn’t starve and the bills would still be paid so in that sense I don’t HAVE to work I suppose, but my money puts petrol in the car, pays for teens school meals, any bits and bobs of clothing the kids need, my gym membership and just basically anything I see online that I or the kids need. It’s a self respect thing, even though he could probably take care of all that for a time- I wouldn’t want him to, and I know we’d really start to feel it financially if he did have to pay for everything constantly. It’s important to say that he’s generous though and if I need or want something that I can’t afford at the time then he’d sort it, no qualms. What’s his is mine in that sense. Does money get thrown in my face sometimes? Yes, money is power isn’t it and he has more than me. One of the reasons i’m desperate to work more once the baby is a little older.

When we only had teenager I freelanced 3 days per week and some evenings every week for one particular company. Things changed when I had my second child. The work dried up, Covid hit, and me and my partner were home together constantly. THIS HASN’T CHANGED! 5 years down the line and it’s still the same. It was at that time he took a step back from work, and my work had dried up. I searched high and low for any other work I could find just so that we could spend some time apart. It wasn’t healthy and we were arguing a lot. He expressed no desire to take a hobby up or get out of the house much, so I had to.

I found more work (In a field totally unrelated to what I usually do) And then after a while the company I’d always freelanced for offered me more hours again, and things got better between us because we were having space. Even when I was pregnant with baby number 3, I was working out of the house until 2am some evenings because it was the only chance I had to be alone, and of course the money helped. This work started drying up again when I was 7 month’s pregnant but with baby on the way I needed to think about winding down anyway.

Fast forward now. My new baby is 4 months. My reality is that it’s me and him in this house together 24/7 - everywhere I move he is there. He has a habit (boredom maybe?) Of rearranging things and moving things and I never know where anything is. There’s constant stuff and mess everywhere. It all feels out of control and like this isn’t my home.

He also has a habit of having work done to the house now that we are mortgage free - there’s constantly workmen here and I just want peace and quiet with my new baby. It took me so many year’s to complete my family and this is my last child and I just want to try and enjoy it all as much as I can.

There’s not one time, EVER that I can sit alone with a coffee watching TV. He is there. I can’t clean my house in peace or sort/organise anything because he is there. I get NO alone time. I’m 4 months post partum and I feel so very angry. I’m losing my shit constantly. I feel like I cannot breathe. My heart is permanently racing. Nothing is neat and organised in the house because it’s too “lived in” He’s constantly making cups of teas and using the kitchen and just being here?! It‘s important to say that he does load the dishwasher, make the beds etc… but he doesn’t “properly” clean.

I feel like I have no choice whatsoever but to drive around or walk around aimlessly with my baby - just to get out of the house away from him. He barely leaves, so I have to. After school hours i’m so busy ferrying the older two to
activities and cooking dinner etc, same as most of us.

This means I can’t get anything done at home. I feel like I can’t just sit and relax with my baby and play together- I need to get out. I cannot sit with him day in, day out. I feel like i’m going mental and it’s all so overwhelming.

We argue so much lately, because being together constantly is so unhealthy but he doesn’t see it?! I feel pushed out of the home with my baby because the alternative is stay in and argue and feel stifled. I’m nowhere near as productive when he’s home. I’m like superwoman on the rare occasion he isn’t there. Why is that? It’s like all my energy leaves my body when he’s here - which is 98% of the time.

Is this me? Should I be grateful he’s around 24/7? I am grateful to a degree, I know in some ways it’s a beautiful luxury but my God, it doesn’t feel like it? I feel trapped and anxious and like this isn’t my home. I hate it. It’s chaotic with constant workmen and I just resent him for always just being here, in my way.

Any advice would be so appreciated.

Again, thank you. It feels so good to just get this off my chest and to hear that actually, how I feel makes sense.

So i’ve tried to talk to him this morning. I brought pastries in and asked could we have a coffee and just talk because I’m struggling to carry on this way. This immediately got his back up. He pulls this “kid in a strop” angry faces and he got very defensive with his body language before we even started talking.

I tried to explain that I felt this wasn’t healthy and that after 5 years (Although i’ve been working in that time for some of it, he hasn’t worked out of the home at all in that time) something needed to change.

There’s no talking to him. He starts raising his voice saying i’m incredibly difficult to live with, he can never predict my moods and that he’ll “Just fuck off then” Meaning leave 🙄

Very childish, very petulant and quite frankly very unattractive.

He started storming from room to room saying he was “busy” And that from now on, if I walk in to a room he will walk out, he’ll stay out of my hair and won’t sit with me or near me.

He basically threw a tantrum. As usual. And of course threw the whole “Do you know how fucking lucky you are? I pay for EVERYTHING. Let’s see how you cope without me. You couldn’t, you couldn’t manage the 3 kids”

Well we’ll never know will we cos he’s never out of the bloody house!!!

Basically it was a waste of time.

I hope I don’t offend anyone with this by the way, I know times are incredibly difficult financially for so many. It’s heartbreaking. And here’s me not having to work at the minute and i’m moaning, but at the same time I feel that just because he is financially secure, it doesn’t mean I should just accept the way things are?!

Just because you 'he financially secure', doesn't mean he's not financially abusing you by keep throwing that he has money in your face.

You have tried to behave like a grown up and have a conversation with him and he's been a petulant child.

Maybe like others have said, you need to look deeper inside yourself and see what makes you happy and a better person for when you meet the right person ❤️ xx

Being financially stable is great but you need to ask if you’re still actually happy?

things always tough when a new baby comes along so you need to try and get to the bottom of if this is just you adjusting to a new baby or if you feel your marriage has run its course.

it’s hard to try and change something you’re not happy with if your partner shuts down and disengages everytime you bring up a tough subject. Just remind him you’re not trying to argue, you just want to find a resolve to an issue you have so everyone can be happier.

Why isn’t my name on the house? I suppose in a nutshell i’ve never earned anywhere near what he does

And yet your posts are dripping with how much you have sacrificed of your time and body and self to birth and care for his children, and to keep the house that he owns.

Have you asked him 1) to take the baby out of the house for a bit on a regular basis
2) to put you on the deeds?

Is there other money? What would you think about marriage?

Thank you all. I’m so glad I started this thread. It’s giving me so much food for thought.

@PoppingTomorrow I do feel that I’ve sacrificed so much, but that’s my own daft fault. I can’t “blame” him for that. I bitterly regret it, but what’s done is done.

I have mentioned my name being put on the property and was told no. I didn’t argue the toss because I don’t financially contribute to it. As I said earlier when I work the money gets spent on day to day living and things I need. I don’t pay bills, which is a blessing and a curse and I don’t want this to continue. I want to contribute more, it just feels hard at the minute to make plans to do so.

I don’t want to marry him. At one point it was all I ever wanted. I don’t want that now but I do love him. He’s been by my side for 21 years and I can’t really imagine life without him, but I don’t want to marry him. I’d consider a civil partnership though, infact I think that’s something we should be looking in to more closely sooner than later.

This is probably not relevant but when we had our firstborn daughter, 15 years ago, nothing changed for him. My life “stopped” or changed for a better word. His didn’t. Constant night’s out and lad’s trips… That’s not the case now, he’s definitely more or a homebody.

The last 7 years i’ve made a conscious effort to socialise and do things for me. I love company, I love socialising and he now doesn’t. This can cause friction.

You DO contribute financially!!

Think of how much childcare, cleaning and general moral and practical support would have cost him if you hadn't done it.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position.

Does he understand what would happen to you and the kids if he got run over and killed tomorrow? Or if he developed a terminal illness and couldn't work at all? Or what would happen to the kids if something happened to you?

@PoppingTomorrow You might need to help me with this one - What WOULD happen? I know I should have looked in to this and the thread has given me the kick up the arse to do so, but just how vulnerable am I here? If any of these things were to happen?

So you aren't married and your name isn't on the house? That's a very insecure place to be. I would be giving him the job of getting you on pronto. Your labour and support has allowed him to work .
You have raised the children which is both physical and emotional hard work.
I think I would be more worried about your financial status than him being around a lot...although I agree it would drive me mad too.
Is he resistant to putting you on the deeds or have you just not asked? I would want something written up by a solicitor.

@onanotherday I asked, not long ago to have my name put on. He said no! As I said upthread a bit, I didn’t argue the toss because of my lack of financial contribution- although I’m desperate for this to change. I want to work more hours and earn more money, for all or our sakes.

Has he made a will?
If not, https://www.gov.uk/inherits-someone-dies-without-will NB varies within UK. Not sure where you are.

Assuming England:
Any money in joint accounts with you would be yours.

If you or the kids inherited the house then until the first is 18 you'd be able to live there with them all, working harder as you'd need to pay all the bills and for childcare.

Although NB as you are not married If the house is left to you then you'd need to pay IHT on the estate INCLUDING full value of the house. Would you be able to pay IHT without selling the house or would you have to sell up?

If the house is left to the children then believe technically each could demand the house be sold to access their share unless some alternative provision made.

Of course your partner may have taken out a life insurance police on himself with you named as beneficiary. But if he had you'd have hoped you'd know about it.

If the house is left eg to a sibling or parent (not uncommon if it's been bought with "family money", judging by posts on here) then you'd all be homeless/at their mercy.

Love, stop saying you "don't contribute financially" to the house! You DO - and have supported the family with UNPAID labour all these years.

His argument regarding the kids is that he’s around so much, so i’m not raising them alone. He is hands on with bath time for example. He basically makes out I’m redundant really and don’t really do much. Well that’s how it feels.

Thing is, I take care of all of the hidden invisible load. The school stuff, the health stuff etc as well as 99% of school runs. I don’t sit down in this house, my mind and body is constantly on the go - so i’m not sure how it’s massively easier for me with him being home constantly?! It feels the total opposite.

He basically makes out I’m redundant really and don’t really do much.

Then he'll have no issues with you working full time and then some, travel etc, to build up your career and financial security (especially since he won't give you any).

@PoppingTomorrow Wow. Thank you for this. I really needed to get on top of it, don’t I? He doesn’t have life insurance. I arranged an appt and he didn’t like how intrusive it all felt and so he didn’t go ahead 🙄

@VickyEadieofThigh Thank you. That’s really kind. And I know i’d be saying the same to a friend if they found themselves in this position!

@PoppingTomorrow 🤣 That’s brilliant and I may have to pinch that word for word.

@EssexStreetOctober - you’re a family. Your house is the family home. But he doesn’t want you sharing in it. That is wrong. He’s measuring everything in money terms and you’re used to him doing it and have absorbed the message.

If you’re in England, you’re very vulnerable - unfortunately English law still fails to recognise rights arising from long-term relationships (some other countries do). He could technically just kick you out because your name is not on the house. He seems to want all the benefits of a live-in partner and live-in mother to his children but none of the obligations.

You’re extremely exhausted

You ARE working!!! You’re looking after THREE kids and a stroppy husband!!

honestly, going to a 9-5 would be much easier!

I felt the same as you. Because I didn't contribute financially I had no vote in the house, everything was his choice. Any money I had was because he allowed it. And I accepted all that for thirty years. BUT he could only do what he did (work full time, weird and changing shifts etc) because I was there to pick up the children, I was there to look after them when sick, or during school holidays. I was there to feed them, to wash their clothes, to take them to the doctors or dentist. I was the one who stayed awake during the night so he was fit to work. I was the one who physically went out to get the food shop, to keep the house clean and maintained. I physically did the painting and gardening while he "rested" from the working week. Broken down he worked a 40 hour week, mine was 24/7 minus sleeping hours (mostly broken so not a full 8 hours). No wonder I was exhausted, resentful, angry but mostly very depressed, almost suicidal.

My contribution was actually worth more to our family unit than his but it was invisible. Fortunately I'm married so what is his is also legally mine - and I'm taking it. I can no longer cope with his shouting, manipulation and his tantrums.

Unfortunately despite you going through the same, where your invisible contribution is also probably worth more than his financial, you are not protected at all. He could kick you out of the house tomorrow and there is nothing you could do. Hopefully he has named you in his will and pension as his beneficiary otherwise you are really screwed. Start planning on going back to work full time, use your maternity break to start looking. Keep that money as your escape fund (because you will need it), and let him be the one to do school pick ups, school holidays etc. You can do the bed/bathtimes so he can't claim full PR for when you do eventually leave.

You can turn this around but it's going to take a while. I don't think you can rely on him being magnanimous anymore.

@EssexStreetOctober What would you think if he was regularly threatening to hit you? Not actually doing it, but scaring you with it? What would you think of him, as a man? As a partner? Would you feel more justified in feeling like you were going a bit doolally if that was happening? It wouldn't be physical abuse, right? Because he wouldn't be hitting you, so, what would be your problem? Do you think that we're all meant to be able to live that way, and feel fine? Or can you see that there's something else going on, other than physical abuse, that's unhealthy, in that scenario?

He treats you with contempt. You are in an incredibly vulnerable position, he has royally fucked you over. I would get back to work, reclaim my independence, start saving and seriously consider what I want my future to look like. Because this sounds bloody awful.

It’s interesting reading your posts. I think you have valid concerns but there is a lot of finger pointing and not taking responsibility for your behaviour. Feeling redundant is not the same as him thinking you are redundant.

You clearly resent him for stepping back from work and that your home life has changed.

I don't think this is the salient point here, although there's some truth in it. The salient point is that OP is being emotionally abused by a man who keeps threatening her security, and she needs to take responsibility for getting out of the relationship before looking to find fault in herself.

Unless you think she ought to improve her behaviour so that her abuser won't abuse her any more, and then she can stay in the relationship as long as she behaves perfectly?

Don't forget your pension. As you're self-employed I suspect you haven't been contributing. It will be galling and possibly upsetting but you do need to take stock of how you plan to fund your life when you want to retire/are too old to work to support yourself.