Just had a baby, feel like i’m going out of my mind! Is it me or him?

[EssexStreetOctober]

I really, really need to know if this is me being awkward or if in my position you’d struggle like I am? I’m reaching breaking point. I don’t want to drip feed so here it goes -

Been together 21 years. Not married. Childhood sweethearts. We have one teenage child, one 5 year old and a 4 month old - years and years of fertility treatments if that’s relevant. I think i’m still extra hormonal from all of the IVF drugs & i’m due my second proper period any day now and feel like i’m going to explode!

DP and his family have a small, successful company. He’s not a millionaire but comfortable. Mortgage was paid off 5 year’s ago and since then DP has taken a massive step back from work, valuing time more than money so to speak. This means he’s home ALOT. Like constantly. He doesn’t have hobbies these days, he seems very settled and content just
plodding along at home.

He does still work of course, but mainly it’s dealing with emails at home, placing orders from home etc… Fairly straightforward stuff that’s all done at home.

I work, I’m freelance. I LOVE working, it brings me a sense of purpose. DP doesn’t like it much when my work inconveniences him in any way but does support me working. I’ve sacrificed a lot of myself for him to be successful- common theme for women, I know.

If I didn’t work then we wouldn’t starve and the bills would still be paid so in that sense I don’t HAVE to work I suppose, but my money puts petrol in the car, pays for teens school meals, any bits and bobs of clothing the kids need, my gym membership and just basically anything I see online that I or the kids need. It’s a self respect thing, even though he could probably take care of all that for a time- I wouldn’t want him to, and I know we’d really start to feel it financially if he did have to pay for everything constantly. It’s important to say that he’s generous though and if I need or want something that I can’t afford at the time then he’d sort it, no qualms. What’s his is mine in that sense. Does money get thrown in my face sometimes? Yes, money is power isn’t it and he has more than me. One of the reasons i’m desperate to work more once the baby is a little older.

When we only had teenager I freelanced 3 days per week and some evenings every week for one particular company. Things changed when I had my second child. The work dried up, Covid hit, and me and my partner were home together constantly. THIS HASN’T CHANGED! 5 years down the line and it’s still the same. It was at that time he took a step back from work, and my work had dried up. I searched high and low for any other work I could find just so that we could spend some time apart. It wasn’t healthy and we were arguing a lot. He expressed no desire to take a hobby up or get out of the house much, so I had to.

I found more work (In a field totally unrelated to what I usually do) And then after a while the company I’d always freelanced for offered me more hours again, and things got better between us because we were having space. Even when I was pregnant with baby number 3, I was working out of the house until 2am some evenings because it was the only chance I had to be alone, and of course the money helped. This work started drying up again when I was 7 month’s pregnant but with baby on the way I needed to think about winding down anyway.

Fast forward now. My new baby is 4 months. My reality is that it’s me and him in this house together 24/7 - everywhere I move he is there. He has a habit (boredom maybe?) Of rearranging things and moving things and I never know where anything is. There’s constant stuff and mess everywhere. It all feels out of control and like this isn’t my home.

He also has a habit of having work done to the house now that we are mortgage free - there’s constantly workmen here and I just want peace and quiet with my new baby. It took me so many year’s to complete my family and this is my last child and I just want to try and enjoy it all as much as I can.

There’s not one time, EVER that I can sit alone with a coffee watching TV. He is there. I can’t clean my house in peace or sort/organise anything because he is there. I get NO alone time. I’m 4 months post partum and I feel so very angry. I’m losing my shit constantly. I feel like I cannot breathe. My heart is permanently racing. Nothing is neat and organised in the house because it’s too “lived in” He’s constantly making cups of teas and using the kitchen and just being here?! It‘s important to say that he does load the dishwasher, make the beds etc… but he doesn’t “properly” clean.

I feel like I have no choice whatsoever but to drive around or walk around aimlessly with my baby - just to get out of the house away from him. He barely leaves, so I have to. After school hours i’m so busy ferrying the older two to
activities and cooking dinner etc, same as most of us.

This means I can’t get anything done at home. I feel like I can’t just sit and relax with my baby and play together- I need to get out. I cannot sit with him day in, day out. I feel like i’m going mental and it’s all so overwhelming.

We argue so much lately, because being together constantly is so unhealthy but he doesn’t see it?! I feel pushed out of the home with my baby because the alternative is stay in and argue and feel stifled. I’m nowhere near as productive when he’s home. I’m like superwoman on the rare occasion he isn’t there. Why is that? It’s like all my energy leaves my body when he’s here - which is 98% of the time.

Is this me? Should I be grateful he’s around 24/7? I am grateful to a degree, I know in some ways it’s a beautiful luxury but my God, it doesn’t feel like it? I feel trapped and anxious and like this isn’t my home. I hate it. It’s chaotic with constant workmen and I just resent him for always just being here, in my way.

Any advice would be so appreciated.

Will come back to this - just on school run but quickly @AgentJohnson I have fully accepted my behaviour in terms of the mistakes i’ve made, taking a step back from work etc to make life easier for him. My choice, my doing, my mistake, my mess.

If you could explain where i’m finger pointing and not taking responsibility, that would help because I genuinely want to see what part i’m playing in this. I will absolutely take on board my wrong doings and try to correct them.

You're not perfect, @EssexStreetOctober , none of us are. But that doesn't mean that you should try to change yourself in order to make a relationship work with an abusive partner.

You already know about which of your behaviours are acceptable to you and which are not. You also know that you only exhibit these behaviours in his company. He does things, and you do out of character stuff as a result. This isn't about changing yourself; it's about changing the company you keep. Imagine telling your child that they needed to change their feelings in order that they could spend more time with their bully. Can you see how wrong that is? That's what you're doing to you, by looking for faults in yourself.

Don't try to 'fix' yourself; choose to be with people who don't make you feel broken.

Ps I'm not saying wade in with all of this right now. Given his reaction this morning I think you need to do some research and make a plan.

Out of interest how do you get on with his family?

He basically makes out I’m redundant really and don’t really do much

I think I'd be waiting for him to next insinuate this, and then saying 'I'm going away for a week on my own, then, you'll be fine, since I do so little', and use the week to plan my departure from the relationship in peace.

I haven’t read everything

I started off thinking “he’s allowed to be in his own home”

I’ve finished thinking “this man has absolutely no respect for you and he’s taught you to think you don’t have value”

I don’t have an easy solution for you. But in your shoes I’d get myself married/civil partnered for financial protection. And then consider what I wanted more broadly.

And the OP should just take the 4 month old.

Btw it doesn't need to be for a week. Three overnights midweek should do it.

We argue so much lately, because being together constantly is so unhealthy but he doesn’t see it

This isn't it, OP. You're looking for external validation here; you're looking for 'right' and 'wrong'. You feel 'right' to want time to yourself, so he must be 'wrong' to deny you that. But how much time a couple spends together is down to how they feel, not what's 'right' or 'wrong'. There is no right or wrong (except the law). We all make our own lives the shape we want them, according to how we feel, no according to 'getting it right'.

So, what you're really saying isn't that he's 'doing something unhealthy', but that he's 'doing something you don't like', and by dint of that, he isn't flouting some rule about 'how to have a healthy relationship, he's flouting your own personal comfort. You are allowing him to. Why? Why are you willing to flout your own comfort to the point where you feel like you're going mad?

That scream inside you, the one that starts to get out when you really start losing your shit, who do you think that is screaming? What would that scream say, if it could scream something in his face? It will be the same thing you've been wanting to scream since you were not heard as a child. It is your conditioning that is trying to silence you, but it's starting not to be strong enough. The part of you that you think is mad is the sane part: that loss of control is the real you coming out, but don't worry, she only sounds nuts because she's never been allowed to speak. Nobody had ever cared what she had to say, she is the child in you who has never been nurtured. Let her speak. Look after her. She will calm down once she realises she's being listened to, and she will be your boundaries. She already is, really, it's just that you're not listening to her whisper, you're not listening to her speak, you don't listen when she shouts, and now she's screaming. What does she want? Provide her with that, and see how calm you feel. See how calm you feel when he goes into another room. See how calm you feel when you're not in his presence. That's what she's asking you for: indulge her.

I know I’m difficult to live with because I’m getting moody easily, and i’m up and down all of the time - but these are the reasons why i’m like that. It’s not for nothing.

This

I’m not saying your feelings aren’t without merit but there appears to be a lot of anger and resentment and they won’t disappear if he leaves the house more. I hope you can find a way out of this situation but you do really need to own how you express your emotions. Maybe you should see a counsellor solo, having the safe space to talk through stuff really helps.

With regards to finances, you must know that being unmarried and not being on the deeds is a very precarious position to be in. Given that he’s been home since COVID and life has been difficult with his continued presence, I don’t understand why you planned having your last child.

You wouldn’t be the first woman to sleepwalk their way into inequitable situation in exchange for a what they thought at the time, for a more traditional gender role exchange. It sounds like by him being home more, you feel that both your roles have changed and not to your liking.

This is all so interesting and very eye opening. Thank you for the replies.

@PoppingTomorrow His dad thinks very highly of me, he’s a very kind man and often asks how I put up with his son, however they share a lot of the same personality traits with the sulking and not being able to hold a civil discussion without flouncing/throwing toys out or the pram.

His mum and I are very different. She’s introverted and difficult to get to know, even after all this time. She seldom opens up to me and I am genuinely not sure how she feels about me? I have respect for her and she’s a lovely nan to my children but I’ve tried to be her friend and that’s clearly not what she wants.

Men find it very difficult to handle female emotion. It's not just your dh.

Exactly this.
Me and dh can - if we want watch tv in different rooms

Men find it very difficult to handle female emotion. It's not just your dh

No, it's all emotionally unhealthy people. But that doesn't mean that any of us have to live with someone like that.

Jesus Christ what sort of man who is well off but doesn’t need to work, watches his partner sacrifice her career for his kids but doesn’t want her name on the mortgage? I’ve been the same as you and my partner was worried my name wasn’t on it, that’s changed now, he seen value in what I did as he basically took nothing to do with the kids or the running of the house for 15 years! You deserve so much more than this

“I suppose he doesn’t want my name on the house. Part of me understands why in a way because I don’t contribute much, do I? So I suppose really he’s protecting what he worked for?”

if that’s his attitude, I’d be sending an invoice for half the X years of free childcare you have provided for his children.

While a lot of what you’ve described sounds annoying rather than abusive, the elements of financial control over the property, his response to any kind of challenge, and what sounds like the attempts to ruin your self esteem and suggest you wouldn’t cope without him etc do make me concerned about control and coercion within your relationship. As it’s very hard to spot, especially when you’re in it, I thought this image might be helpful for you.

Nothing is neat and organised in the house because it’s too “lived in”

I don't understand this. Houses are meant to be lived in, particularly houses where two adults and three children live.

He sounds awful, but I did find it interesting that you said ‘my kitchen’.

Does he realise the financial implications if you get married and then split up? If he doesn’t want your name on the house now, can’t imagine he will be too keen to tie all his assets up into matrimonial assets.

You sound like you're at fever-pitch, because with anything like this, it can escalate into locking horns and a stalemate situation.

When the time is right, why don't you ask him again, to just do the school and hobby runs?
And likewise to go shopping and do a big shop.
Say you're tired and you would really appreciate a break (it doesn't matter if you're not, you just need to reach your end goal).

Guide him, and tell him how great that would be to give you a break with the baby and do your own thing.

It's not what you say (not blaming you at all), it's how you say it. I think this man needs very gentle coaxing because he takes things very personally.

Tell him you love and appreciate him, but you are finding the setup very difficult at the moment.

Deep breath, there's always a way, you just need to find the right gentle words to appeal to his better nature.

Make sure you have a civil partnership, but I wouldn't push it until you're back on an even keel again, otherwise he will dig his heels in.

Good luck 💐

Also if you were married would you have a claim on the family business, if you split?

I think in your position I would be applying for full time jobs. He’s obviously perfectly capable of working and looking after the kids so anything you earn will be pure profit with no childcare to pay for.

I'd then look at buying a small rental property as both an investment and an income. He can’t have an issue with that as he owns his own property. It’ll also mean you will have your own investment for when your relationship (inevitably) goes tits up.

One thing that does come across strongly is that you don’t seem to like him very much. You feel he’s invading your space, your kitchen and getting in your way. I’m not necessarily saying those feelings are invalid, but a lot of women would love to have their other half around with a new baby. Not to help, but just to be together and enjoy the experience. Again, I’m not saying you should feel like that, but maybe look at why you don’t.