Should I stay with H for the sake of a life I love?

[airbookmac]

I'm so sad and confused. I have been married 7 years and when it started i was really in love with my husband. I felt safe with him, we laughed, we had a strong attraction, lots of fun. I have a dd who was a toddler when we met, no dad in her life. Within a year we started arguing a little bit, I think triggered by the fact he had no experience with young kids, it was a learning curve. Within the first year there were a couple of bad arguments which really upset me and she was around for them. I think that slightly soured my feelings about him but I couldnt imagine breaking up as I really loved him. We got married after 2 years, lovely wedding but again some conflict leading up to it. I didn't regret it though. I started to feel quite unhappy and lose feelings for him in the year after that and we separated a year later for about a month. This was triggered by him having a go at me in dd's bedroom aged 5 at the time. He came back and we went to a lot of counselling to communicate better, but I dont think my feelings ever fully came back. However the good times kept me there, and we got an opportunity to move to another country as a family for a much better quality of life, so we took it, we pulled together on the preparations and we were happier than we had been in a long time. I felt optimistic. We had a good first year in the new country and I absolutely loved it there. Felt happy in myself and DD was so happy too, instant friends, great school, nice home, loads of opportunities for us all. We went on lots of trips and had fun. Then a year in we started bickering about when to have a baby which H was pushing for but I didnt feel ready for living so far away from family. I felt pushed away. I began distancing myself mentally and spending more and more time on my own without him, we stopped being intimate as I didnt feel attracted because he had gained a lot of weight and moaned a lot of the time that he wasnt getting promoted fast enough. I still made an effort to make our home/life nice, but I was checking out. I know it upset H and it led to massive arguments. I just felt like I couldnt tell anymore if I was in love with him. I felt numb and disconnected. However i was also unhappy in my new job and missing my family so maybe that played a part.

We have now separated again, it wasn't planned but we ended up arguing and I needed some breathing space. Now, I am confronted by the fact I will lose the life I love here if we split up. I can't stay on my own visa. I have a little property back home I can move to with DD but it's village life and we are both city girls, but we won't be able to afford the city now as we have been priced out since leaving with H. I just love our life here so much; the weather, the surroundings, our friends, the opportunities and activities. I would stay forever if I could, but realistically in my career I don't think I would ever be able to do that again. Given the long history of conflict with H, I am not sure if things will ever be good enough with us to have a baby, or to move on - there's so much pain on both sides - but I guess I could try to behave differently, or just make myself fancy/love him like fake it til you make it. Because the thought of losing this life is just so devastating to me. I worry i will fall into depression back home and how it will impact DD. Financially we would be OK, but we would miss our lives so much. And to be honest I would miss H terribly too- he has been the most solid presence in my life and I think I am actually really dependent on him as well, and I see him as my best friend. Just cant bear when he touches me right now and I don't find him interesting. But if i really tried, maybe i could? DD has already said she wishes we were a 'normal family' again.

So - Would you stay in a relationship with a lot of past conflict/communication issues, in order to live in your dream life? Honest answers please. I am aware this sounds selfish - but I just want to stay. I just want to keep our lives together.

i can’t understand why you love your life OP? sounds stressful and pretty shit to me with him in your life 🤷

maybe your standards have plummeted over the years

I just love where i live, it was my dream to be here since i was a kid. It is an amazing place for DD to grow up. Its just a feeling i get when i am there. When i am home, i feel a yearning for something more, and i want more for DD.

Your daughter needs to grow up in a home without massive arguments.

Small fights or disagreements that lead to her seeing the adults who love her resolve their strife easily is good for her. Shouting matches of any frequency are not.

Can you look for a job there, which would help you with the paperwork for a new visa?

So what, you're proposing to start having sex you don't with a man you're repulsed by, bring another child into a difficult, on and off relationship?

What about your husband? Doesn't he deserve the opportunity to find someone who does fancy him and gets on better with? Would he want to be chosen not out of love for him, but out of love for the country & lifestyle?

Is there no way of getting a different type of visa yourself?

My skillset is not in demand there and it is notoriously hard to get a working visa. I applied for a student visa that allowed me to work and study and got turned down.

You can't use somebody for your own purposes, that's a form of abuse.

He doesnt repulse me and i also do know that I used to fancy him a lot, so maybe i could get it back? I really want to get back the love i had for him, but i dont know where it went. I think the arguing around my dd really took a toll on it, as it always seemed to be instigated by him. Yes, of course he deserves that too, and the point is for a long time i did really love him and i do still have love for him, i always make his birthdays so special, i make him homemade gifts just because, make a real effort with his family, i am affectionate, i know it is not passionate anymore but I do love him on some level and thats also what is making me question. Because i think what if i lose the life i love as well as someone who i love? But my family say that our communication is just too bad and we have made each other too unhappy. I guess what i want is a magic wand to fix it all. I want nothing more than for us to have a wonderful family life. But i guess sometimes people do have to leave people they love. Ugh its so hard.

Is it all all feasible to re-train in an area that would get you a visa? If not, or you don't want to, then I think you need to reframe this. What is it about the area you love? That can be replicated elsewhere for sure, you might have to think outside the box and consider countries/areas you are not familiar with. Yes it's disruptive - but so is the life you are living now and the instability is not good for you or your dd. x

It's hardly a dream life for you or your daughter. No amount of "lifestyle" will prevent her from being fucked up by living with warring parents.

Just cant bear when he touches me right now - sounded like being repulsed to me.

Thing is, if you can't get into a good space relationship-wise, and you stay for the lifestyle - you're robbing him of the opportunity to have a child of his own and someone with him out of love.

It's probably worth going back to relationship counselling - but if it didn't work before, what will make it work this time?

I’m not saying you should stay with him or shouldn’t, but if you are thinking of staying or are thinking there may be something salvageable left of the relationship, have you both ever made a real effort to do that? Date nights, quality time spent together, having fun together outside of being co parents/mum & dad? Relationships and having a healthy happy one for a long time do take a lot of effort & work from both sides, so is it possibly that life has gotten in the way a bit and that maybe with some time and effort on both sides things could improve again?

There are obvious red flag issues, things which personally I wouldn’t overlook like starting arguments infront of a child, but if you do genuinely both want to make it work for the right reasons then there may be ways you could try to do that. What you can’t do though, as it’s really not fair on any of you, is fake trying just to keep the life you want if it’s not with the person you truly want to spend your life with, you both deserve better than that.

Is it the States? I think you posted about this a couple of weeks ago? Or maybe it was someone else

You haven’t actually said too much about what he is doing wrong

How did you argue in front of your child? What was it about?

Adults do occasionally have moments of tension in front of children - until one asks ‘can we do this in private’ did you do that and walk away? Or was he yelling etc?

Also I’m sure there’s many men in the world that could be suitable for you but eventually it all settles down. The excitement etc it truly does and long timers know that! You have to learn to ride the rough with the smooth. Nothing is perfect

Otoh you could go and find someone else but there will be niggles eventually- for sure!

I can understand him wanting his own child - 7 years is a long time to wait!

Aside from gaining weight and arguing in front of your child what else upsets you?

Would I use someone I didn't love and didn't want to be with, so that I could keep my current lifestyle and in doing so deny them and me the chance to find love and be happy?

No. No, I wouldn't.

It complicates matters that there is a child in this situation which has gone through quite a change in circumstances, only to face another change now. She's not his child, but she is a child.

However, your post only comes across as partly driven by any effect on her - it seems mostly about you and how you can maintain living your current lifestyle in the country you want, for your own enjoyment.

Ask yourself - are you yourself willing to be in a fake relationship, where it's hollow and you feel like you're living a lie?

You're not facing destitution - you sound far more privileged than most people in that you actually have a 2nd home, when most people can't even afford their first home, not even in rural areas (because so may many people have bought holiday homes in them, for one thing).

So this is not about you trying to avoid end up homelessness and being on the streets (in which case I think you'd receive more sympathy). It's about you pondering if you can be with a man you don't want to be with, that you can't even bear to touch you in order to maintain a certain glamorous, busy, city lifestyle. 🤔

Well yes, But she’d not be the first to stay for the lifestyle, let’s be honest. It’s depressingly common.

What would you say to your daughter @airbookmac if she as an adult came to you with this dilemma? Would this be how you would want her to experience love and relationships?

The property is a family one, it's very modest and not a holiday home or anything like that. I inherited it and keep it for my dd's future as her bio father has never contributed any child support, so it is one thing i can do for her.

In terms of what is bad about our relationship/about H. I don't want to dwell too much on him gaining weight because while that has lessened my attraction (which tbf i dont think is unusual), it would not make me want to leave him. He sulks and says nasty things both in dd's hearing and in her presence. He has a quick temper and despite it being the cause of our arguments for years, he struggles to control it, and he struggles not to be overly strict with her i think because of his own parents who were borderline emotionally, as well as physically abusive. he admits himself that his childhood was very damaging. He also is very introverted and has never made any effort with my family or friends, to the point of making them feel uncomfortable, and i feel he expects me to organise his life in terms of the domestic load and everything else. He is quite immature for a man of 35 in terms of his hobbies and his expectations. It sounds harsh to say i dont want a baby with him (i really did at first) but I guess it's because i have worried that i will be looking after 3 dependents- 2dc and him - and/or that we will argue in the stressed out environment of having a baby. For example when we were driving trhrough a terrible storm, we ended up angry at each other. When something bad happens with work, we end up taking our stress out on each other. Even when the dishwasher breaks or something. It's self perpetuating probably because it goes round in circles. I am aware that to stay, i would have to lower my expectations of him and appreciate the life we have and the good we do have (shared jokes, physical affection, enjoying similar things) as opposed to having a partner who shares my interests and wants to have conversations or who would initiate plans etc. More of an equal relationship i guess. And probably with H i would have to have much more calm and patience to make up for the fact he does not.

But the point is, I did love him so much. The ghost of that is what is keeping me there. A lot of what i love about where we live is the life we have built together- our fave walks, restaurants, views etc. I would miss him terribl. But is it realistic that I can get it back now?

He sulks and says nasty things both in dd's hearing and in her presence. He has a quick temper and despite it being the cause of our arguments for years, he struggles to control it, and he struggles not to be overly strict with her

I'm not sure that the compensations of living where you love outweigh the damage this sort of treatment may do your dd and what living in this environment will teach her about relationships.

I'm not arguing you should have a baby with this man - I don't think you should at all!

But he shouldn't be denied the opportunity of having his own child and another shot with someone else because he's locked into a relationship with you.

And I don't think reducing your expectations in a relationship is a healthy way to go. For you, for him, for your child.

Apart from anything else, if you stay together he clearly wants to have a baby. Sounds like it's pretty much a deal breaker. In which case if you have a child together and then feel like this again (which you almost inevitably will, if you're having issues now the stress of a baby is only going to exacerbate them), it will be hard/impossible for you to move back home and bring a baby if he stays in this country, as the baby will both have that nationality and father will have custody rights that prevent you taking baby to a different country.

So you'll be stuck either living with him for 18 years no matter how miserable you both are.
OR, he could split up with you, so you'd either be living in poverty in your new country because you can't afford to live there without him (except this time instead of not being able to support you and dd you'll also have a baby you can't afford)
or you'll have to go back home and leave your baby with him

Any of these would be a much worse situation than your current one, where at least you have options.

This, do not have a baby with him,

tbh the marriage sounds like it’s reaching the end of the line, can you imagine the rest of your life with him?

Do you think this is your daughters dream life? I'm not having a go , but did you ever grow up in a home with constant stress or arguments? Because I was one of those children and it affects you for the rest of your life. I would of been far happier if my mum had left the nice big house and got a little place somewhere so we could live in peace and harmony.

This , spot on!

I’m really not impressed by how he’s treating your dd. That’s damaging. Where do you live and why is it do great?

I think you’ve got to get independent and make a good go of this separation. Find another way that is better for dd. Shes more important. All you’re doing is wasting years and dragging out the inevitable.