I'm so sad and confused. I have been married 7 years and when it started i was really in love with my husband. I felt safe with him, we laughed, we had a strong attraction, lots of fun. I have a dd who was a toddler when we met, no dad in her life. Within a year we started arguing a little bit, I think triggered by the fact he had no experience with young kids, it was a learning curve. Within the first year there were a couple of bad arguments which really upset me and she was around for them. I think that slightly soured my feelings about him but I couldnt imagine breaking up as I really loved him. We got married after 2 years, lovely wedding but again some conflict leading up to it. I didn't regret it though. I started to feel quite unhappy and lose feelings for him in the year after that and we separated a year later for about a month. This was triggered by him having a go at me in dd's bedroom aged 5 at the time. He came back and we went to a lot of counselling to communicate better, but I dont think my feelings ever fully came back. However the good times kept me there, and we got an opportunity to move to another country as a family for a much better quality of life, so we took it, we pulled together on the preparations and we were happier than we had been in a long time. I felt optimistic. We had a good first year in the new country and I absolutely loved it there. Felt happy in myself and DD was so happy too, instant friends, great school, nice home, loads of opportunities for us all. We went on lots of trips and had fun. Then a year in we started bickering about when to have a baby which H was pushing for but I didnt feel ready for living so far away from family. I felt pushed away. I began distancing myself mentally and spending more and more time on my own without him, we stopped being intimate as I didnt feel attracted because he had gained a lot of weight and moaned a lot of the time that he wasnt getting promoted fast enough. I still made an effort to make our home/life nice, but I was checking out. I know it upset H and it led to massive arguments. I just felt like I couldnt tell anymore if I was in love with him. I felt numb and disconnected. However i was also unhappy in my new job and missing my family so maybe that played a part.
We have now separated again, it wasn't planned but we ended up arguing and I needed some breathing space. Now, I am confronted by the fact I will lose the life I love here if we split up. I can't stay on my own visa. I have a little property back home I can move to with DD but it's village life and we are both city girls, but we won't be able to afford the city now as we have been priced out since leaving with H. I just love our life here so much; the weather, the surroundings, our friends, the opportunities and activities. I would stay forever if I could, but realistically in my career I don't think I would ever be able to do that again. Given the long history of conflict with H, I am not sure if things will ever be good enough with us to have a baby, or to move on - there's so much pain on both sides - but I guess I could try to behave differently, or just make myself fancy/love him like fake it til you make it. Because the thought of losing this life is just so devastating to me. I worry i will fall into depression back home and how it will impact DD. Financially we would be OK, but we would miss our lives so much. And to be honest I would miss H terribly too- he has been the most solid presence in my life and I think I am actually really dependent on him as well, and I see him as my best friend. Just cant bear when he touches me right now and I don't find him interesting. But if i really tried, maybe i could? DD has already said she wishes we were a 'normal family' again.
So - Would you stay in a relationship with a lot of past conflict/communication issues, in order to live in your dream life? Honest answers please. I am aware this sounds selfish - but I just want to stay. I just want to keep our lives together.