Should I stay with H for the sake of a life I love?

[airbookmac]

I'm so sad and confused. I have been married 7 years and when it started i was really in love with my husband. I felt safe with him, we laughed, we had a strong attraction, lots of fun. I have a dd who was a toddler when we met, no dad in her life. Within a year we started arguing a little bit, I think triggered by the fact he had no experience with young kids, it was a learning curve. Within the first year there were a couple of bad arguments which really upset me and she was around for them. I think that slightly soured my feelings about him but I couldnt imagine breaking up as I really loved him. We got married after 2 years, lovely wedding but again some conflict leading up to it. I didn't regret it though. I started to feel quite unhappy and lose feelings for him in the year after that and we separated a year later for about a month. This was triggered by him having a go at me in dd's bedroom aged 5 at the time. He came back and we went to a lot of counselling to communicate better, but I dont think my feelings ever fully came back. However the good times kept me there, and we got an opportunity to move to another country as a family for a much better quality of life, so we took it, we pulled together on the preparations and we were happier than we had been in a long time. I felt optimistic. We had a good first year in the new country and I absolutely loved it there. Felt happy in myself and DD was so happy too, instant friends, great school, nice home, loads of opportunities for us all. We went on lots of trips and had fun. Then a year in we started bickering about when to have a baby which H was pushing for but I didnt feel ready for living so far away from family. I felt pushed away. I began distancing myself mentally and spending more and more time on my own without him, we stopped being intimate as I didnt feel attracted because he had gained a lot of weight and moaned a lot of the time that he wasnt getting promoted fast enough. I still made an effort to make our home/life nice, but I was checking out. I know it upset H and it led to massive arguments. I just felt like I couldnt tell anymore if I was in love with him. I felt numb and disconnected. However i was also unhappy in my new job and missing my family so maybe that played a part.

We have now separated again, it wasn't planned but we ended up arguing and I needed some breathing space. Now, I am confronted by the fact I will lose the life I love here if we split up. I can't stay on my own visa. I have a little property back home I can move to with DD but it's village life and we are both city girls, but we won't be able to afford the city now as we have been priced out since leaving with H. I just love our life here so much; the weather, the surroundings, our friends, the opportunities and activities. I would stay forever if I could, but realistically in my career I don't think I would ever be able to do that again. Given the long history of conflict with H, I am not sure if things will ever be good enough with us to have a baby, or to move on - there's so much pain on both sides - but I guess I could try to behave differently, or just make myself fancy/love him like fake it til you make it. Because the thought of losing this life is just so devastating to me. I worry i will fall into depression back home and how it will impact DD. Financially we would be OK, but we would miss our lives so much. And to be honest I would miss H terribly too- he has been the most solid presence in my life and I think I am actually really dependent on him as well, and I see him as my best friend. Just cant bear when he touches me right now and I don't find him interesting. But if i really tried, maybe i could? DD has already said she wishes we were a 'normal family' again.

So - Would you stay in a relationship with a lot of past conflict/communication issues, in order to live in your dream life? Honest answers please. I am aware this sounds selfish - but I just want to stay. I just want to keep our lives together.

Growing up with abuse - he’s had counselling - doesn’t he appreciate then the effect his anger might have on your child?

I do think as he wants a child and you don’t it’s a big deal to deprive him of that

I don’t think it’s necessarily harsh you are staying tho but for the fact his time is running out to find someone else to have a family with

It’s tricky - I don’t think it’s totally dead but regular heated conflicts in front of a child are not ok. I guess we normalise these things

Odd how you’d both get angry over the dishwasher breaking. That emotion would never come over me in that scenario

I think that things may get worse with your dh. He wants a baby. He doesn't have kids and it's really eating away at him, it sounds like. I think you really owe it to him to split, to give him the chance of having what he really wants, which is a baby. You are only thinking of you and your dd - which is sort of fair enough - but, the thing is, I think you may be destroying him in the process. You are thinking of toughing it out/faking it so you can maintain the life you want, but the cost to him is not being a parent. Which as you must know is a very very high price.

Clearly he is far from perfect and you shouldn't have to have a baby if you don't want to. But you have to accept that he wants a baby and that you are actively standing in the way of this. He is only going to become more snappy, depressed and overweight.

My mum stayed with someone 'who had a bad temper'. It affected me profoundly and deeply. It made me anxious and depressed. Even if we'd have won the lottery it still would've been just as awful. Please do your daughter a favour and leave this awful man.

I had a mental health crisis in my early twenties as a direct result of my childhood and haven't had any contact with my mum for over a decade (and never will again). Just stop and think about that for a minute.

Tbh she doenst seem to care so much about the daughter , just her own lifestyle. It's actually very sad post to read. I'd be gone if anyone upset my kids , rather ne homeless , and I actually did it so it's not just something I throw about!!!

Same

I also resent my mother, do you want that op?

Haven’t read all responses but sounds like you idolised him a bit at the start OP and then he disappointed you and it went downhill from there. I personally think you have a choice to make but also seems unfair to string him along if you don’t want a real relationship, a baby etc. Only you can decide but if you fast forward 5 years, would you still think this life that you have there is so perfect?

what she will remember is arguments and tension and unhappiness

It sounds like the first year of your relationship was pretty amazing and it's basically been a bit shit (with some short periods of being amazing) since. Is that right?

Poor kid.

I feel sorry for your DD who presumably has zero contact with her birth father. Her earliest childhood memories is a lot of fighting with a stepfather with whom she may well not have any contact with by the time she's an adult. If another biological sibling enters the picture then she'll forever be fobbed off as the semi-unwanted child. I think the DH here is selfish for wanting a baby but was clearly not cut out for taking care of the existing child when she was younger.

I think the priority here is not what sort of life you love but what sort of life can do the best damage control for a child who has already gone through significant upheaval. As PPs have mentioned, this is exactly the sort of childhood that results in severe resentment towards a parent and potential MH issues when they become adults.

DD is happy enough: she doesnt seem to remember me and H having conflict when she was younger and she actually said she thought we were only having problems in the past year. (Not sure how that is possible) She does however know that H is 'grumpy' and that it ruins days. I dont regret moving her abroad but she actually is a massive reason for my conflict at the moment because she'd miss her friends and wants to live in a family unit. Which makes me feel like i should also stay for her, and i guess try to just be happy with H, and let go of this desire i have for a different kind of relationship where he is more equal in terms of wanting to share the load and is kinder, i guess. But i do agree that this is tough on her and i have made mistakes. I have alwasy tried my best.

She doesn't know any different yet though OP , she will grow up thinking this is a normal family unit. It's only when you see something different you realise and that comes later in life sometimes. I remember realising going to my aunties house or other friends I felt safer or more at home , more fun, more laughter from the mums or dads, its then I realised it could be a better life. Describing him as grumpy also says she will learn living with a grumpy man is very normal, may be better to show her that it isnt and there are better ways to live? The younger you are when you move the easier it is to make new friends also.
Good luck in whatever decision you make , her saying she doenst remember may mean shes blocked it out as a trauma response it certainly doenst mean she wont be affected by this. There is still time to change her life and let her see another way of living

No.
Fuck that.
Before taking off, I would try my hardest
to make it at that lovely place, just me and daughter.

how old is your DD that she’s involved in discussion about the state of your marriage?

But that isn’t a reason to stay with him.
Also if you feel like he’s your best friend, do what’s right by him too - and you know that’s to leave so he can find someone who actually loves him

Ethically, you should only stay if you can he honest with your husband and either (1) both commit to salvaging the relationship, including couples therapy, loads of effort for however long it takes, and genuine transparent ongoing two-way communication OR (2) he is also willing to live in a kind of agreed-upon platonic family arrangement with you, for whatever reasons.

Is there no way your husband's status can be leveraged for some kind of more permanent residency for you (in some cases can be possible even if you split up, provided he's willing)? Or if not perhaps a third country would be a better place for you and your daughter than your home country.

Your daughter can't be more than twelve; if you return to your home country (assuming he is still there) you should absolutely pursue him for child support.

She does however know that H is 'grumpy' and that it ruins days. I dont regret moving her abroad but she actually is a massive reason for my conflict at the moment because she'd miss her friends and wants to live in a family unit.

She's a minor, you're the adult, it's your job to make the hard decisions. Of course she fears change and wants what she knows, he's been in her life since a toddler. It doesn't mean she isn't learning harmful lessons about relationships and about men. Surely you want better for her than growing up thinking this is normal. Would you want her to recreate this relationship in her own future? Don't you want her to pick a kind man?

My parents would bicker in front of us when I was a kid. Every holiday, every car trip, every weekend I would pray they would get along. I constantly lived on edge as a young child and teenager. It was a miserable life and I wish my DM had given up her nice life for our well being. Me and my sibling both have MH issues and struggle in relationships. Please leave as soon as you can get your child out of there.

It all seems a bit passive, as though life, your situation, your emotions are things that come along and happen to you rather than you showing any agency. If you want your lifestyle do what you need to do to retain it. You. On your own, on behalf of you and your daughter. You have to be responsible for yourself and you REALLY have to be responsible for her.

You need therapy, your H needs therapy, you possibly need relationship counselling.

you say you are both stressed and snappy with each other. He was in an abusive environment going up, one stretch of therapy doesn’t necessarily fix that.

You sound so unhappy. I think being just the two of you (DD and you) would be better than this.

I totally get it, OP. I used to live abroad. I had an instant social group (more than one, in fact), hobbies and activities that I don’t have the opportunity to do here, amazing standard of living, etc.

However, there are huge chinks in your relationship. Your relationship is probably only surviving as much as it is because of where you are. Deep down, you know your marriage is over and he’s not the step-dad who should be helping raise your daughter. The sooner you get back into the swing of things back home, the sooner you’ll build up your career and life.

Please don’t stay. It is absolute misery to be with someone like that , and it will only get worse as he gets older.
I grew up with a father like this, and he is only more irascible, cranky and argumentative the older he gets. My mother stayed with him. I have been in therapy for 8 years, and still am not healed … probably never will be.

please don’t stay. Think of your future. So what if it’s a quiet village life, it won’t have endless arguing and stress.

You are relying on another person for your happiness and fulfilment. Until you can find those things within yourself, you will never be happy. I get that your H has a short fuse, I've been there, twice. It's awful to live with and very damaging for your DD. Make your own life-even if you stay, this is very unlikely to work out in the long term.