Ex keeps texting as he has found something - excuses or not?

[Tiredgrumpyhormones]

I split up with my DP of 2 years a month ago. It wasn’t a bad break up, the relationship had run its course. He started the conversation. I did surprise him with how unhappy I was and parts of his behaviour that was not nice. He thought I was happy and in love. He said I was the best person to live with. He just didn’t want to make an effort and in his words I am fine wine and he is the cheap beer that wants to do his own thing. Fair enough different values.

We used to live together I moved out 3 days before we split up to my own house (planned was lodging at his), so left a few bits.

over the last month he has texted me to say he found some bits and will drop them off. He has done we have had polite conversation, bit of catch up. He has started to open up how stressed he is and how it’s been making him ill for months. I knew this but he wouldn’t open up. I also know he is depressed but won’t admit it or get help. He says he doesn’t do emotions.

Yesterday was the year anniversary that we went on an amazing Caribbean holiday. It was the best holiday ever. He texted me to say he found our holiday kitty of a few euros, did I want it. The kitty was sat in his cutlery drawer in a big pink purse so very obvious. I told him if he wants it keep it or split it. Up to him.

This then went on to polite conversation. He then texted hours later to remind me we were on holiday last year and it was amazing and we had just moved in. Then he started saying he wasn’t seeing friends as he hates people, is working loads and very stressed. He is not eating properly and is just functioning.

I am not too sure why he is opening up now? does he need a friend or is he now realising he did have it great. He is impulsive and does reflect after he has reacted.

He wouldn’t talk about it before and honestly this is what destroyed our relationship as he went into silo mode to cope. Couldn’t see a partnership is there to support.

I could be overthinking this and it’s completely innocent. But any insight on why exes reach out?

He wants you back.

Because he's realised what he's lost, don't get sucked in though he didn't make an effort when you were together and he'll just slip back into his old ways.

Just stop engaging with him would be my advice

Sounds like he's trying to play the sympathy card in an effort to coerce you into going back or into bed.

I'd cut all contact tbh.

Let know it's too late to open up now, you've moved on, so should he.

He thinks he should be your project to fix rather than take any responsibility for his own life as an adult.

If you want to be nice you could suggest to him that there are many online resources with advice on how to handle work stress, get back into a better eating and sleeping routine. He won't take it because that will mean him doing the work and not you but it might help to draw a line in that he is not your project to fix.

He also wants his house and sex elf back because he has had a go at trying to capture another one and has failed because he isn't the Adonis he thinks he is.

Hi OP my exdh did this after we separated. Opened up that he was depressed and similar to what he has said to you.

I stupidly offered support even though I was very down myself and nothing in my reserve tank. I have him energy I didn’t have.

In the mean time behind the scenes he was on dating apps and met someone. So whilst I was giving him support he was dating other women. which at the time was a hard pill to swallow when he went public with his new girlfriend that I had no idea about. I could have kicked myself.

So be very very careful about protecting your self.

Do you want him back? If so ask him.

But he might just be looking for something to fill in the gap because he is struggling. If you have not got that energy to give away don’t as it will deplete you and stop you moving on

This!

Thanks guys. I am not too sure if he does want me back. He told me to do something that makes me happy. I told him I am and he is too stubborn to take his own advice. He said correct. Then hours later texted me to say it’s a year ago we went on holiday.

just odd as he said he ignores things and people, especially cutting people out his life that has upset him or exes.

Your ex sounds emotionally handicapped (which is one of the reasons you broke up), as he just said: “I don’t do emotions”, and that’s why he feels lost, sad, depressed, confused and with his brain all over the place. He needs a therapist, not a girlfriend. This man is not relationship material, he needs to do a lot of work on himself before he’s ready for a relationship. Right now he misses you because you were nice, familiar and pondered to his (disfunctional) needs, but he sounds very confused and doesn’t know what he wants. You deserve better than a disfunctional man child, time to move on OP.

The question here is not “does he want me back?”, the question here is “do I want him back?”

I don’t want the guy that I left back, but the one I fell in love with. They are 2 different guys. One was carefree and caring the other stressed and not nice.

the stressed guy is a result of work and depression. But is the area I know he can work on but is not emotionally mature to do. It’s also the version I remember the most.

so no. Unless he stays consistent as the guy I fell in love with.

They are 2 different guys

OK so you don't want a relationship with 2 different guys, so it's over.

The question isn't 'what are his motives?', the question is 'why am I concerned about his motives?'

No idea why I am concerned. Suppose I didn’t think he cared about me. Validation maybe.

It doesn't sound like he cares now tbh.

It sounds like he's just self absorbed and using you for his validation and emotional support.

He's trying to manipulate you. Stop communicating with him.

It’s called hoovering - he had plenty of chances to sort his shit out when you were together and did nothing about it.

Tbh i don’t think he necessarily wants you back, he’s just used to you being there for him and hasn’t cut the cord yet.

This would drive me even further away to be honest. I couldn't stand this level/type of communication after a break up - he's depressed and wants you to sort him out. Don't!

Of course he wants you back, those pants won't wash themselves!

Wants to get his dick wet.
Pity he didn’t do all this ‘opening up’ until after you had left.

The 'kind and caring' guy was not real, he was a persona this man adopted to fish you in. Once he had you, he dropped it, and blamed 'stress'.

Who knows why he's contacted you now? He's still the same person he was when you left. It's really hard to change, and it doesn't happen in two months. As a PP says, this is just him trying to suck you back in again for more of whatever it was you used to provide him with.

This

😂

This is my point: focus on getting to the bottom of what motivates you, not him. Your life isn't about him. It's not about working out anybody's motives. It's about finding people who you trust, whose motives don't need any 'figuring out. It's about discarding people who don't make sense to you.

Motivates me, is I am still caught up on the guy that used to be. I know stress played a massive part in the break up for us both.

no excuse. But I know he will have a motivation.

Motivates me, is I am still caught up on the guy that used to be

OK. Why? What could he give you that you can't give yourself?

Could be he was stressed.

But this is how he reacts when he is stressed.

He's not going to go through life without being stressed, is he?

Everyone shows the good sides of themselves when getting together with someone. People who are gold stay mostly the same. Less pleasant people show the other side of themselves after a while. If someone is still loving and lovely after a few years (specially after children) then that's them. If they're only loving and lovely at the beginning or part of the time then it's a mask they've been wearing.

You can either carry on wanting more of the mask, or you can take a deep breath and take a long look at the real person. From the sound of it, and okay we don't know him, but it seems he's almost certainly trying now to use you for support and reel you back in.

The first option, you're on a hiding to nothing. The second option, you'd be wise to keep your distance. You'll emerge from the experience slightly sadder, and rather wiser and knowing more.