Ex keeps texting as he has found something - excuses or not?

[Tiredgrumpyhormones]

I split up with my DP of 2 years a month ago. It wasn’t a bad break up, the relationship had run its course. He started the conversation. I did surprise him with how unhappy I was and parts of his behaviour that was not nice. He thought I was happy and in love. He said I was the best person to live with. He just didn’t want to make an effort and in his words I am fine wine and he is the cheap beer that wants to do his own thing. Fair enough different values.

We used to live together I moved out 3 days before we split up to my own house (planned was lodging at his), so left a few bits.

over the last month he has texted me to say he found some bits and will drop them off. He has done we have had polite conversation, bit of catch up. He has started to open up how stressed he is and how it’s been making him ill for months. I knew this but he wouldn’t open up. I also know he is depressed but won’t admit it or get help. He says he doesn’t do emotions.

Yesterday was the year anniversary that we went on an amazing Caribbean holiday. It was the best holiday ever. He texted me to say he found our holiday kitty of a few euros, did I want it. The kitty was sat in his cutlery drawer in a big pink purse so very obvious. I told him if he wants it keep it or split it. Up to him.

This then went on to polite conversation. He then texted hours later to remind me we were on holiday last year and it was amazing and we had just moved in. Then he started saying he wasn’t seeing friends as he hates people, is working loads and very stressed. He is not eating properly and is just functioning.

I am not too sure why he is opening up now? does he need a friend or is he now realising he did have it great. He is impulsive and does reflect after he has reacted.

He wouldn’t talk about it before and honestly this is what destroyed our relationship as he went into silo mode to cope. Couldn’t see a partnership is there to support.

I could be overthinking this and it’s completely innocent. But any insight on why exes reach out?

They are ..the same person unfortunately.

There may be a reason or none at all. Either way, you weren't happy and you escaped. It sounds like a lucky escape as you can't fix him.

They are 2 different guys. One was carefree and caring the other stressed and not nice.

As pp said, they are the same person.

But isn't it just as likely that the first man (carefree & loving) was the fake as the second guy?

It's normal for the early stages of a relationship to be good and people to put their best foot forward, and then as time goes on, you find out the less pleasant sides of each other. So is it that he changed, or the mask slipped?

OP I think you have posted about this relationship when it was ending and you were living together but you were buying your own place.

As sad as it is he didn’t sound like the right partner for you. You sounded very unhappy.

It doesn’t matter why he is messaging you now, he wasn’t right for you and his motivations for messaging you- whatever they may be-don’t change that.

Are you the poster who moved from a town where you had a busy social life into his house that was more rural and he didn’t want to go out that much? And as you were moving you posted that you were worried he was going to end things?

If so, well it’s not really surprising that he’s got in touch and finding reasons to message you. He had completely taken you for granted and now it’s over, he’s realising what he’s lost. It is very possible that this split was what he needed to sort himself out but at the same time, you were very different people and the relationship had run its course. Though if I recall, there was a lot of poor communication on both your sides so you can always take baby steps to see how things go, but must avoid falling into the same situation you were in before.

But it wasn't stress that split you up, it was lack of communication. He has told you he doesn't do emotions. So dealing with the stress isnt going to mKe a difference.

Have you posted before OP? Over the past couple of months there have been several similar posts about expecting ex to pay all the nursery fees.

OP like a PP has said, I think you may have posted before about this? If so, it might be helpful to direct others to that those threads too as it adds context. And, also, if you are, I really think you need to find a way to move past all of this. Perhaps a total block and move on?

I did post about living rurally and him not being round much. I am much happier in my new home. But part of the reason is my commute is 20 mins to work instead of 1hr each way. My friends are back on my door step. My first house was always drop in type place. The theme continues. Much happier I have my support network here.

He has now texted to say he got done free merchandise that my godkid may like. He only met them once. Did I want him to drop it in. If so we can arrange a time. Said that would be lovely.

urg. As above much happier as in my social bubble. I should never of underestimated the need of friends close by.

Do you want to get back with him?

Oh, blimey, OP - just block him. The relationship is over. He couldn't be arsed to make an effort, you're back on your own turf and you are happy.

He's going to keep texting with stupid reasons and excuses to contact you in the hope that you are so lacking in self esteem that you'll eventually give in, move back to his rural crap pad and start doing all the grunt work again. He just can't be bothered to make much effort to reel you in properly.

But he's in your head and spoiling your new life. Send him one last message to say, 'John - I wish you all the best, but we are over and I don't think it's healthy for you to keep texting me. You need to find some other friends. I'm blocking you now'.

I would have to say to him that the relationship is over and you really don’t see the need fur constant communication. By replying, you’re giving him the impression there’s still something there so unless you want him back, going no or very low contact is the best thing f.

He’s got FOMO now.

OP it’s natural for this to matter to you, don’t worry about ruminating. This was a big decision, big part of your life!

You sound as if you know you did the right thing

He wanted you to chase after him from the beginning. That's why he was surprised you were so agreeable to split up. Play stupid games and all that.

Stop indulging him. You'll get back together and the high will sustain him for a bit and it'll happen again. Just wish him well, you dont wish to see him and to get on with his life.

No one changes in two months. There isn’t a him you fell in love with and a “stressed” him that you didn’t like in the way you describe. They are the same person and your entire relationship is a whole story with a beginning, middle and end. To even entertain the idea of letting him worm back in is to say you now accept the things in him that ended your relationship. They are still there, will likely always be there, and there’s no point trying to convince yourself any differently.
It also sounds like you aren’t helping yourself or him by engaging with him. You can’t be friends right now and maybe not ever. He needs to accept that and this “friendly” chat you keep sharing is actually just cruel given that you say you want to move on from him. You’re just stringing him along and giving him hope where there is none. Do the kind thing and end the contact. Nothing you left at his is anything you can’t live without because if it was you’d have taken it the first time, or needed it in the time since. Don’t take him contacting you about your left possessions at face value. It’s just an “in”, so shut that down.

Block him or read and not reply, or just let his messages sit and then send a thumbs up a week later or a smiley face.

If it's the same guy you've posted about before, he's just naturally "difficult", maybe he has some good qualities, but not enough to keep things going for you.

Seems like he wants a dating unicorn....someone he's physically attracted to who is willing to adjust around him and fit their life to him and his location, do the housework, but also successful with a good job!

(I know this is a MN trope, but wonder about undiagnosed ND - being very rigid and genuinely not being able to see the other person's point of view and that they have independent feelings too.

You looked content living at his, he felt content with you there, so it's not fair that you change your mind and interrupt the plans and lifestyle that worked best for him.

He just can't see you as an independent person, in his head the "logical" choice is for you to be in his house, so this is something he needs to argue or passive-aggressively push you into.

Either way it's clearly not working for you).

It's only been two years, no ties and you've saved ten months on rent, but of course it wasn't ideal for you with commuting and housework - so pretty much evens out.

Enjoy your new life and house and moving forwards.

He doesn't want you to move on and find someone else. He's keeping you attached to him by emotional blackmail/guilt. Message him that you won't be needing that merchandise after all so won't be meeting him, then go no contact. You're far better off making a clean break and moving on without him in your life at all.

I personally don't think he wants to get back together. I think he wants emotional support and nothing else.

He is opening up now to show you how it could be if he could "do emotions" which is what he has told you very clearly he CAN'T do. He is trying to win you back with a peek over a fence that is really a wall. Don't fall for it. You know what he is like, you've lived with him and he didn't change or make the effort.

Don't fall for his half arsed attempts at looking like he might change - it's because he's realised what he has lost and feeling vulnerable.

Run while you can, it sounds like you can do much much better.

Also agree with pp he is doing it to stop you moving on.

@electricstreams i think he does have some form of ND. He can’t maintain eye contact, gets obsessed with thinks, has to have structure etc. he has traits that I saw from the start.

i may agree he needs support and I think this is the motivator as I am safe and not like his pub friends. He doesn’t have meaningful friends he can be vulnerable with, just pub friends.

who knows. He is messing with my head. But not showing this. My texts are friendly direct and telling him thanks.

my friend has just said that I am probably more chilled as I have my own security which is important to me and he underestimated how driven I was. I stayed at his and saved and for him I think he couldn’t see that saving fit he house was a priority so I sucked up the commute to do so.

I was open at the start that his village was not where I wanted to live longterm.

Oh, for heaven's sake, this is how he plans to get you back in his house, far away from your friends and doing his housework for him.

He is messing with my head

Hrs messing with your head because you’re letting him by keeping communication open. Tell him to stop contacting you, block him if necessary. The longer it drags on the more he’ll try and find a way back in.

He had his chance, leave him in the past.

Stop all this contact if you don't want to get back with him - you're being unkind by giving him hope he can wangle his way back in.

If you lived together for 10 months, and the relationship was serious and exclusive it probably will take time to get over!

Two months is nothing, you're still going to be caught up in the emotions. I'm sure there were good times and memories and hopes which will be hard to let go.

Especially if you were always hoping it would work and then he had his own rigid private agenda

Like you say you were clear that you were moving out and he could have adjusted and stayed at yours and saved his own commuting time - you did nothing wrong. He just wants everything his own way and doesn't see your feelings and needs.

If you met on the apps and got into dating and weren't part of the same social scene before, it won't work trying to stay in contact as mates.

You'll think you're meeting for a chat and a coffee and he will be seeing it as a step to negotiating you to move to his village again 2 hour commute to do cooking, watch him get drunk and go down the pub.

At least give yourself a year or so of no contact to recover.

Sooner you start no contact the sooner you can heal and emotionally move on.

(Everyone is different - I've personally found my emotions and hormones take a couple years to get a man out of my system).