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Original poster

Do men hate it you message after they've broken up with you?

99 replies

aip7 · 14/05/2024 10:16

He's ended it. Im devastated. He said it was hard to do, meaning not what he wanted but circumstances with life/work means he has no choice. He used to message first even though he said we shouldn't speak. This time feels different I think he means it. It's killing me not talking to him. Will he hate it if I message?

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 14/05/2024 12:52

aip7 · 14/05/2024 10:28

It's been 'causal' for 12 months. It's the fact he said it's been a really difficult decision. There's feelings there, but he also said he wanted me to let him go! Now from a man that's a very bold statement isn't it. Any men on here who can elaborate on this comment? Does it mean he 100% is done?

Sorry OP, get your tin hat on -

So he's ended it. He's tried to soften the blow by saying he didn't want to/his circumstances make it difficult/it's a difficult decision.

Him saying he wanted YOU to let HIM go is his way of saying he's wanted out for a while and was hoping you would end it first. But you didn't (because you like him and it wasn't 'casual' for you) so he's had to. For whatever reasons, it's not working for him anymore and, basically, he no longer wants to try and make it work.

Yes, the sum total of this means he is 100% done. Don't message him because that would make you come across as clingy and whiney and immature. I'll put money on him knowing this will have hurt you and that's why he gave the reasons he gave - to soften the blow (not that it works).

Really sorry to lay it bare like that but that's how his behaviour and words translate and how I've interpreted it.

Now is the time for a bit of self-pity and wallowing and a good old cry - it honestly helps to acknowledge how you're feeling about this because it is shit to get dumped by someone you really like, no matter how 'nicely' (ha) they do it Flowers

savethatkitty · 14/05/2024 12:53

He will love it, give him an ago boost.

Don't do it, there is nothing to gain by reaching out.

BusyMintCrab · 14/05/2024 12:55

Don’t message him!!!!

IncompleteSenten · 14/05/2024 12:57

For the love of god stop humiliating yourself.
He doesn't want you.
It hurts like hell I know but walk away with your dignity.

Noseybookworm · 14/05/2024 13:01

aip7 · 14/05/2024 10:28

It's been 'causal' for 12 months. It's the fact he said it's been a really difficult decision. There's feelings there, but he also said he wanted me to let him go! Now from a man that's a very bold statement isn't it. Any men on here who can elaborate on this comment? Does it mean he 100% is done?

He probably said it's difficult because he was trying to let you down gently. He's ended it because he doesn't want to be with you any more. That is hard to take and it hurts but the bottom line is, it's over. Don't message him. Think about how you can fill the next few weeks and keep busy - make plans to see friends, get out for a good walk/run every day, throw yourself into work, spend time with family? Look after yourself lovely 💐

Bobbotgegrinch · 14/05/2024 13:51

aip7 · 14/05/2024 10:28

It's been 'causal' for 12 months. It's the fact he said it's been a really difficult decision. There's feelings there, but he also said he wanted me to let him go! Now from a man that's a very bold statement isn't it. Any men on here who can elaborate on this comment? Does it mean he 100% is done?

Man here! (I know, the dreaded words, but OP asked.)

To put it harshly @aip7 , you've been dumped. He's tried to be nice about it, and in doing so he's got you all confused, but make no mistake, you have been dumped.

People who dump someone, man or woman, generally don't want to hear from the dumpee again. That's kind of the point. So don't contact him, it won't do either you or him any good.

Move on, find someone new or enjoy being single for a while. Embrace the dumping and use it as an opportunity for a fresh start. One without him in it.

Beezknees · 14/05/2024 13:54

OP, if he really wanted to be with you, then he would be. That's all there is to it. He wanted something casual and now it's done. I'm sorry.

Do not message him. You want more from him than he is willing to give. His position is clear. He doesn't want to be with you.

DaisyChain505 · 14/05/2024 14:03

By saying “it’s been a difficult decision” he means that he didn’t want to have the hassle of breaking up with you and what was to follow.

he’s told you he doesn’t want to be with you, believe him. It’s hard but heal and move on. Contacting him will bring no good.

waterrat · 14/05/2024 14:28

'it's a hard decision' is just polite bullshit.

Pay attention to his actions not his words.

StringTheory1 · 14/05/2024 14:39

I interpreted he wants you to let him go as: he wants you to let go of him.

I get a sense you’ve been trying to develop this casual arrangement into something more and he’s not up for that. He wants you to let go of him. Ergo: please do not contact him.

Deathbyfluffy · 14/05/2024 14:44

aip7 · 14/05/2024 10:28

It's been 'causal' for 12 months. It's the fact he said it's been a really difficult decision. There's feelings there, but he also said he wanted me to let him go! Now from a man that's a very bold statement isn't it. Any men on here who can elaborate on this comment? Does it mean he 100% is done?

👋Man here!

Men and women aren't that different, though - what he's said means the same coming from a man or a woman.
That is him wanting you to move on and you to no longer speak (permanently rather than just for now).

If he's telling the truth about work etc is entirely up for debate, though - both men and women frequently lie about reasons for a break-up and you'll never know if he's being honest.

I have ended relationships in the past with people I really liked due to work commitments - looking back it was a silly thing to do (as everyone in a graveyard once thought they were irreplaceable, as my Granddad told me) but there we are.

Move on, find someone worth your time. Good luck!

JuiceBoxJuggler · 14/05/2024 14:54

He ended it, he has made his mind up. Don't message.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 14/05/2024 14:56

aip7 · 14/05/2024 10:28

It's been 'causal' for 12 months. It's the fact he said it's been a really difficult decision. There's feelings there, but he also said he wanted me to let him go! Now from a man that's a very bold statement isn't it. Any men on here who can elaborate on this comment? Does it mean he 100% is done?

I don't think it's a bold statement from a man at all.

He wants you to let him go....in other words, he doesn't want to hear from you again.

Sorry but it's over and contacting him won't change it at all.

juniorspesh · 14/05/2024 16:04

Possible scenarios for your future and how to achieve them:

You would like to feel better than you do right now this time next month: DO NOT MESSAGE HIM
You would like to eventually get over him and meet someone else really nice who values you: DO NOT MESSAGE HIM
You would like him to realise he's made a terrible mistake and beg for you back: DEFINITELY DO NOT MESSAGE HIM
You would like at some point in 6-12 months to be friends with him again: DO NOT MESSAGE HIM
You would like to feel even worse and for him to think he's definitely made the right decision in ending it: IN THAT CASE MESSAGE AWAY

heartbroken40 · 14/05/2024 16:21

juniorspesh · 14/05/2024 16:04

Possible scenarios for your future and how to achieve them:

You would like to feel better than you do right now this time next month: DO NOT MESSAGE HIM
You would like to eventually get over him and meet someone else really nice who values you: DO NOT MESSAGE HIM
You would like him to realise he's made a terrible mistake and beg for you back: DEFINITELY DO NOT MESSAGE HIM
You would like at some point in 6-12 months to be friends with him again: DO NOT MESSAGE HIM
You would like to feel even worse and for him to think he's definitely made the right decision in ending it: IN THAT CASE MESSAGE AWAY

Just THIS

I have dumped a few men in my life and always tried to soften the blow with some excuses (work, health) and always talked about sadness and the difficulty in doing so

If you message, he'll think you're the "crazy one" and he had a lucky escape. Is this what you want?

In the name of the sisterhood, DO.NOT.MESSAGE

Flatbellyfella · 14/05/2024 16:40

Sadly it’s obvious he has been using you over the last 12 months, I know you find it hard, but be self confident & move forward, take it day by day, soon you will be weeks & months away from his hold on you. Believe me there are good honest men to be found.

SheepAndSword · 14/05/2024 16:47

Honestly, it will get better. You're very hurt right now but it didn't work out for whatever reason - time to block him 🌺

PalomaJaneintheDales · 14/05/2024 16:57

Op - "casual for 12 months" - I'm not sure what this means - Does it mean after a whole year, you weren't committed to each other, had no firm future plans, you were sleeping together but does this mean you could both see other people, then? I don't understand what the point of any of that is. What could you get out of it? Life is very, very short - especially youth. Nobody's got time for this. It's a waste of your life. He asked you to let him go, so you need to do that.

Please don't be desperate and message him. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

I'm very sorry. Daffodil Ride the pain out and learn from this. What do you need and want from a man? Work it out and don't settle for anything less or you will get your heart broken.

FreeRider · 14/05/2024 20:58

I'll add to my last post that not once, ever, did I feel better after messaging my ex. Even if he replied, even if his reply was 'okay' - which was the best I could expect - did I EVER feel happier afterwards. Usually I felt worse because all it did was make me miss him more, keep me stuck in the past.

In the end he got so fed up with it that he told me in no uncertain terms how he really felt about me. It was horrible, he was totally blunt and I can still remember what he said 17 years later. But I can understand now why he did it, it was the only way he could get me to stop. It worked, I finally began to move forward as every time after whenever I felt tempted to get in touch I'd remember what he'd said. Six months later I met my now partner.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/05/2024 21:55

aip7 · 14/05/2024 10:28

It's been 'causal' for 12 months. It's the fact he said it's been a really difficult decision. There's feelings there, but he also said he wanted me to let him go! Now from a man that's a very bold statement isn't it. Any men on here who can elaborate on this comment? Does it mean he 100% is done?

Or he's sure about the other woman now..

bottomsup12 · 14/05/2024 22:06

The fact you asked about messaging from the perspective of whether men hate it or not is your issue.... you sounds like you care too much about what men think and not enough about what you think

Fluffyowl00 · 14/05/2024 22:11

Ah, you need to watch the SATC episode where they talk about “he’s just not that into you”.

It really put everything into perspective for me. He just wants to be FWB. Great. But he wouldn’t with Rhianna. I just want some who really is into me. So that’s what I’m looking for.

No hard feelings. But I want and deserve that. Don’t you?

JJathome · 14/05/2024 22:13

Oh op. He was just trying to be nice, the old it’s not you it’s me. It’s over. That’s the message to focus on. I’m sorry.

Plantmother71 · 14/05/2024 22:14

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 14/05/2024 10:50

Sounds like he's playing silly games and dancing around saying he doesn't want the relationship anymore as he would like you still on the hook incase he changes his mind later on.

Don't message him. Delete his number and delete and block him on everything that way you have to go through re-adding him to send any message and hopefully that will give you time go come to your senses before you do it.

Show quote history

This ^. Don’t let him keep you dangling like a toy for when he’s bored. He wants you to let go - grant him that final wish. You’ll find it easier in a few months. Go out with friends and live you best life and someone new will pop into your life when you least expect it.

JJathome · 14/05/2024 22:18

aip7 · 14/05/2024 10:28

It's been 'causal' for 12 months. It's the fact he said it's been a really difficult decision. There's feelings there, but he also said he wanted me to let him go! Now from a man that's a very bold statement isn't it. Any men on here who can elaborate on this comment? Does it mean he 100% is done?

Why do you think it’s a bold statement? I’m not sure many of us understand. It is a very clear statement. He wants you to stop.