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Original poster

Do men hate it you message after they've broken up with you?

99 replies

aip7 · 14/05/2024 10:16

He's ended it. Im devastated. He said it was hard to do, meaning not what he wanted but circumstances with life/work means he has no choice. He used to message first even though he said we shouldn't speak. This time feels different I think he means it. It's killing me not talking to him. Will he hate it if I message?

OP posts:
SonicTheHodgeheg · 14/05/2024 10:53

It's the fact he said it's been a really difficult decision. There's feelings there, but he also said he wanted me to let him go!

It’s been a difficult decision is him trying to soften the blow and pretend he’s a good guy.

He wanted you to let him go… Has he been acting poorly or increasingly distant to you in the hope that you’d dump him and make him look like the victim ? He’s saying that if you dumped him then he would have been relieved. That’s not someone who you should be with.

This relationship was casual so was always a stopgap until he found someone that he wanted to be serious with or he had an expiry date in his head. Are you the first person after a long term relationship or one of many casual relationships for him ? Maybe he’s now over the person that he was trying to get over ?

Either way, have self respect and don’t message him. If he’s dumped you before then he’ll do it again and the longer it goes on, the less respect he’ll have for you and the more painful it will be because you’re more attached each time. He’s dumped you but that’s not an indictment of your personality. You’re just not right for him and a better match will be out there. In future, you need to consider dumping casual relationships if you find yourself getting attached. Attachment is for committed relationships.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 14/05/2024 10:55

I agree with pp. Block and delete so you’re not tempted to contact him.

It’s very sad to contact someone who has dumped you and you risk wasting your life becoming a booty call between women that he’s actually interested in.

vodkaredbullgirl · 14/05/2024 10:56

Block and delete

LightsOnSparklingTowers · 14/05/2024 11:00

He’s ended it so I’d presume he means it, therefore don’t contact him.

If he doesn’t mean it, then he’s playing games, so you shouldn’t contact him anyway.

Move on.

DontBiteTheCat · 14/05/2024 11:01

It doesn’t matter how “difficult” the decision was to reach, that’s the decision he’s made.

Even if what he is saying is true, and he’s not just trying to soften the blow, the fact that he’s actually given it thought and time to make a decision shows that he does not want to continue a relationship with you.

However hard is is you need to respect that and leave him alone like he’s asked.

FreeRider · 14/05/2024 11:01

Yes, they do and do it often enough and they will end up hating you, too.

I've been on both sides. I was the one who kept messaging an ex, hoping he'd realise he'd miss me and want to get back together. He didn't, in his mind (I spoke to him years afterwards about it) my refusal to accept his decision just confirmed that he'd made the right one.

I then went on to experience the other side, when an ex of mine kept sending me messages and emails for about 4 months after we split. Drove me fucking nuts and I ended up hating his guts.

jobessieandme · 14/05/2024 11:02

He's just not that into you. Hold your head high and try to forget about him.

pikkumyy77 · 14/05/2024 11:03

aip7 · 14/05/2024 10:28

It's been 'causal' for 12 months. It's the fact he said it's been a really difficult decision. There's feelings there, but he also said he wanted me to let him go! Now from a man that's a very bold statement isn't it. Any men on here who can elaborate on this comment? Does it mean he 100% is done?

Its bullshit. He’s a mind fuck. You don’t need a weatherman to tell which way the windblows.

Dadjoke007 · 14/05/2024 11:04

So from a guys perspective (me!)

Based on it being 12m its one of two things - he is bored/found someone else but is trying to be gentle and saying its him etc... Bit of a cop out!

Or, there really is stuff going on with him and he thinks he is holding you back - and this is where a message would help. My ex ended things a month ago - but we have been talking and meeting up loads and who knows... I could have walked away but didn't. A few days ago I thought it looked positive, much less so today but I was not willing to give up on it. People do get confused and this is where clear communication comes in.

If I was to end it with someone after 12m (and there was no hate or bitterness) I would try to give an honest as answer as possible without hurting too much. But I would be very firm. If they messaged back and wanted to chat and meet up I would as I at least owe them that.

SamW98 · 14/05/2024 11:08

@FreeRider

I had same thing. My ex kept messaging saying how much he missed me etc - did my head in and rather than being civil, i absolutely ended up hating him

Shitlord · 14/05/2024 11:24

You've got another thread right? This is familiar (different name). What do you want to text about? The weather?

He's said he doesn't want to be with you. It was a 12 month casual thing, sorry to say, where you've developed feelings and he hasn't.

I'm not being callous, we've all been there but you need to listen to what he's said and move on. It's not an established relationship that bears picking over.

Please don't waste any more time on this. It's hard but lick your wounds and get back out there. This time your main search criterion must be 'someone who is equally keen'. Any sign of anything less? Ta-ta.

Find your pride. If this man wanted to be with you he would make it happen. Busy job right? Not a real issue if the feelings were there. Again, not being a cow, I've been there. I'm grateful now I accepted the brush off with dignity and did not contact again.

GoingOnHol · 14/05/2024 11:25

igomeow · 14/05/2024 10:31

"He said it was hard to do, meaning not what he wanted but circumstances with life/work means he has no choice."

This is an excuse to try and soften the blow, He doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about him. I know that can be painful to admit to yourself but there's nothing you can do. Definitely do not text.

Exactly!
It’s like saying you'll stay friends after the break up, you all know it’s rubbish & won’t happen.
for your own peace of mind block him, have a good cry & forget about him

SpringerFall · 14/05/2024 11:26

Keep your self-respect and move on

MaryFuckingFerguson · 14/05/2024 12:06

Any men on here who can elaborate on this comment? Does it mean he 100% is done?

You seem to think men are some sort of homogeneous group. Their anatomy does not dictate their thinking. Guess what? They’re all different.

It is obvious this guy is done. Keep your dignity. Don’t contact him and move on.

gamerchick · 14/05/2024 12:12

I don't think it matters what any of us say. If you get one post saying to message, that is all that will take for you to do it.

You'll feel worse afterwards though. If you send one and he ignores it, you'll check your phone a million times driving yourself mad. If he blocks you you'll feel crushed. If he's kind you'll hold on to some hope. Do you really want to feel worse?

Delete all of his numbers, past messages and other communication and just be nice to yourself.

Dadjoke007 · 14/05/2024 12:17

gamerchick · 14/05/2024 12:12

I don't think it matters what any of us say. If you get one post saying to message, that is all that will take for you to do it.

You'll feel worse afterwards though. If you send one and he ignores it, you'll check your phone a million times driving yourself mad. If he blocks you you'll feel crushed. If he's kind you'll hold on to some hope. Do you really want to feel worse?

Delete all of his numbers, past messages and other communication and just be nice to yourself.

I disagree - if you don't message you may keep thinking "what if"... maybe it had not run its course. While tough, a further rejection or silence confirms its over, makes it final

Maddy70 · 14/05/2024 12:19

Do not message. He's made it clear it's over. You will just sound needy

Its done. Lick your wounds in private xx

SamW98 · 14/05/2024 12:20

gamerchick · 14/05/2024 12:12

I don't think it matters what any of us say. If you get one post saying to message, that is all that will take for you to do it.

You'll feel worse afterwards though. If you send one and he ignores it, you'll check your phone a million times driving yourself mad. If he blocks you you'll feel crushed. If he's kind you'll hold on to some hope. Do you really want to feel worse?

Delete all of his numbers, past messages and other communication and just be nice to yourself.

Totally agree. It does have the feel of one of those threads where the OP wants us to validate she’s doing right trying and if 99 people say don’t do it and 1 says do it, that’ll be the only comment she jumps on.

And absolutely agree with your other points - I really can’t stress strongly enough OP DO NOT MESSAGE HIM

Begsthequestion · 14/05/2024 12:22

He told you he wanted you to let him go.

I don't see what is unclear about this.

pinkdays · 14/05/2024 12:26

In my experience, a message like that means he has met someone else.

Try and find the strength to be dignified. Also, why are you attracted to someone who doesn't want you???

Zombiemama84 · 14/05/2024 12:26

aip7 · 14/05/2024 10:28

It's been 'causal' for 12 months. It's the fact he said it's been a really difficult decision. There's feelings there, but he also said he wanted me to let him go! Now from a man that's a very bold statement isn't it. Any men on here who can elaborate on this comment? Does it mean he 100% is done?

Try not to over analyse everything he says. Been there done that it will drive you mad. An ex did this many times (stupid me) the last time i just decided enough was enough I deserve better, I didn't message him, he kept messaging me saying I didn't even seem bothered (that he ended it AGAIN) i told him i respected his decision and letting him go, i didnt know at that point but he had been seeing someone behind my back for a couple of months by then but still hated that he didnt have me begging for him back. It was my that finally blocked him and cut him off, best thing i ever did. He was an absolute head fuck.

Lavender14 · 14/05/2024 12:28

Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you op?

There's other guys out there, he's let you down gently and made a decision not to be with you.

Move on and find someone who wants to be with you and prioritise you.

"He used to message first even when he said we shouldn't speak"

Why are you making yourself endlessly available to someone who is repeatedly messing you around?

SealHouse · 14/05/2024 12:40

Similar thread yesterday - is this you OP? https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5074103-what-does-this-mean

He's broken up with you. I'm not sure why some other posters think he's messing you around. I'm getting the distinct impression that he may be finding it difficult to get the message through to you that it's over. It seems pretty obvious to me that he's just trying to be kind and let you down gently however it's pretty clear he's done. Leave him alone and move on. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want you?

What does this mean? | Mumsnet

"You don't want it to be over at this stage, and I do" - what does that 'at this stage' part mean? He's also said he wa...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5074103-what-does-this-mean

Pinkbonbon · 14/05/2024 12:43

aip7 · 14/05/2024 10:28

It's been 'causal' for 12 months. It's the fact he said it's been a really difficult decision. There's feelings there, but he also said he wanted me to let him go! Now from a man that's a very bold statement isn't it. Any men on here who can elaborate on this comment? Does it mean he 100% is done?

Not a man but it either means

'Im getting annoyed now as she's clingy and so i have to be really blunt with her that she needs to leave me alone' (perhaps he was initially trying to back away slowly, hense texting for a bit after the split, to make it easier for you).

OR

That he has a big ego and wants you to be obsessed with him because that's how he gets his kicks. The 'you need to let me go' statement - being for his own ego ('I'm fantastic and it'll be impossible for her to walk away'). So he's currently hoping you'll chase after him to feed that ego. These sort like to dump then keep texting anyway (becayse they want to hear how much you miss them etc...). They blow hot and cold. Play mind games etc...
Note: he doesn't like you. He just wants you to like him. That's how vampires like him feed.

Those are the possibilities as far as I can see.
Neither person is someone you should pursue further.

SamW98 · 14/05/2024 12:46

Tbh OP you said hits been casual for 12 months so either its run its course or (and most likely) he’s found a new plaything.

Be honest - were you hoping for more than casual from him?

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