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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Very toxic Dad, what is wrong with him?

61 replies

Espressosos · 13/05/2024 22:07

My Dad is a very angry, shouty man. He is very difficult to be around, but I can't go contact for various complicated reasons. I really don't know what is wrong with him, whether it's a personality disorder or severe depression, or just personality. I could write a book on his behaviour, but I'll just give a few recent examples in hope that someone can shed some light on him for me.

  • He wanted me to go somewhere with him, I told him I would after work. I finish work and ring him and check we're still going (he often changes his mind and doesn't want to go to things) and he says 'why? don't you want to? I bet you've made plans to go out' all angrily, and I say no I just need to know so I can start getting ready. He says yes we're still going, so I get ready and go and find him (he's in the garage). He has a go at me for approaching him to see if he's ready when he's in the garage with my jacket and shoes on ready to leave as it's rude as apparently I can tell he's not ready. He then starts on a long rant about he's not had a drink all day, has had nothing to eat, as if it's my fault. We end up not going after I've sat there ready to leave for half an hour. He's retired and just potters around doing random things.
  • The other day we were in the car together and there is a car driving crazily, weaving in and out of traffic (but not near us, so not impacting us directly). He takes it upon himself to race this car (so therefore driving crazily himself) to the traffic lights, wind down his window and sweat at the driver. Then when the driver is trying to change into our lane he blocks it by constantly matching its speed... He's done this kind of thing before, it's really embarrassing and scary.
  • He thinks rules don't apply to him, but apply for everyone else. No one else can speed, but he can. No one else can park in places they're not supposed to, but he can.
  • He has embarrassed me in public so many times. He is rude and arrogant to people, he is a nightmare customer in shops. If there's a queue in a shop and he has to queue in it he will start berating the staff who aren't on the tills, saying they are lazy. I'll tell him to stop and be quiet but that gets him even angrier. If we're in a restaurant he'll loudly say things like 'these menus are f*cking filthy', just things that most people wouldn't say loud enough for everyone to hear.

Any insight?

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 13/05/2024 22:10

How old is he?

Espressosos · 13/05/2024 22:11

Eyesopenwideawake · 13/05/2024 22:10

How old is he?

63

OP posts:
Moier · 13/05/2024 22:12

Has he always been like this? My Aunty started being exactly like this... she now has dementia and apparently being mad/ angry/ nasty was the beginning of it.. ( she wasn't always like it).

Wolfiefan · 13/05/2024 22:12

It doesn’t matter why he behaves as he does. You can’t change him. Only your response. I would be finding a way round the complicated issues and going no contact. (Or very very limited contact if that’s truly not possible.)

ByUmberViewer · 13/05/2024 22:13

My dad was like that but he was an alcoholic. Does your dad drink?

Bignanna · 13/05/2024 22:13

Moier · 13/05/2024 22:12

Has he always been like this? My Aunty started being exactly like this... she now has dementia and apparently being mad/ angry/ nasty was the beginning of it.. ( she wasn't always like it).

I thought the same. Op has he been gradually getting worse or has he always been a bit like this?

Espressosos · 13/05/2024 22:16

@Bignanna @Moier He has always been like this unfortunately...

@ByUmberViewer Nope he doesn't drink!

OP posts:
SocksOnTheSaucepan · 13/05/2024 22:23

Malignant narcissist or other personality disorder if he’s always been like it.

SiobhanSharpe · 13/05/2024 22:24

His driving behaviour is really dangerous. Are you over 18? If so can you flatly refuse to get into a car with him?
it's frightening that he is putting his daughter at risk this way.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2024 22:24

It really, genuinely doesn't matter why he's like this because he won't do anything to modify his behaviour.

Why you spend time with him is beyond me, and you should absolutely never be in a car while he's driving. Just because he's your father doesn't mean you should have a relationship with him. He's abusive and fucking horrible. I can't even imagine the toxic baggage he's burdened your life with.

Aldertrees · 13/05/2024 22:25

Where's your mum?

Toastiecroissant · 13/05/2024 22:29

Just a dick? Doesn’t really matter does it
he sounds awful
if you can’t go NC, go LC
don’t get in cars with him, only see him in his house, stop doing him favours
and leave when you want to.

SocksOnTheSaucepan · 13/05/2024 22:31

OP if he’s like you describe, I know it won’t be easy to say to no to him, e.g. “no Dad I am not getting in a car with you, now or ever”. It doesn’t make you weak or silly to find it difficult. But you can, and in fact must, get away from him. I can imagine he’s caused a lot of grief for you in your life and some of it you may not even realise right now. But he’s a dangerous person and you don’t have to subject yourself to his behaviour.

Mckypch · 13/05/2024 22:36

If he's always been like this, then he's just a C U Next Tuesday unfortunately. Reminds me of a man who lives on my road who got out of his car and screamed obscenities at me - and my kids - because I didn't maneuver around him like he wanted. Real ray of sunshine that fella.

LalalaToYou · 13/05/2024 22:37

Sorry OP, he sounds awful. Probably a personality disorder but really it doesn’t matter whether he has or not. Who would want to be around that level of toxicity? If it were me I’d give that one a complete bypass. Any reason you continue to see him? Does he see other family? I’m guessing he and your mother are no longer together. Also, apart from sulking, being difficult and unreasonable does he ever personally insult you or put you down?

BentFork · 13/05/2024 22:44

I know someone exactly like this, word-for-word. He has a diagnosis of schizophrenia with psychopathic traits.

shropshire11 · 13/05/2024 22:47

It’s trendy now to diagnose people - a disorder, a neurodiversity, depression, etc.

Some people are sinply awful awful people, who behave like that because they are bullies. If people don’t stand up to them they become worse.

Blueuggboots · 13/05/2024 22:54

Are you my sister? Sounds exactly like my dad. He's 80 this year and you never know what you're going to get.....

Saschka · 13/05/2024 23:13

Is his name Ronnie Pickering?

I don’t know why he’s like this OP, but a subset of middle aged men just are. Red-faced, angry and shouty for no apparent reason. It’s their personality. It must be very tiring for them.

BlastedPimples · 14/05/2024 05:18

How awful for you, op, to have grown up with this horrible man. I can't imagine you enjoyed having him as your father.

Personally, I would visit as little as possible and I would never get in the car with him again. Don't make arrangements with him.

He sounds utterly unreasonable and unpleasant. Not to mention dangerous.

BMW6 · 14/05/2024 10:41

It's easy OP.

He's a really nasty cunt.
Always has been, always will be.
He won't ever change - this is who he is.

You can choose to be in his company or not.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/05/2024 12:16

Is your mum still in your life?

You cannot change your dad but you can change how you react to him. If you have FOG re your dad (fear obligation and guilt) deal with this in therapy. Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Never get in a car with him again and reduce all contact levels down to zero sum. It’s not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking and it’s not your fault he is the way he is, his own parents did that to him.

Kesio · 14/05/2024 12:30

I’m sorry, he just sounds like a straight up arrogant cunt.

from the point of view of your own mental health, all you can do is to accept this and accept that he will not change. Don’t go in the car with him, he’s dangerous.

And get contact as low as possible.

TorroFerney · 14/05/2024 12:36

Saw a post on SM last week that basically said if you were bitten by a venomous snake would you a) get away and get some treatment for your bite and not go near it again or b) chase after the snake, ignoring the bite and try and find out why it bit you.

Know it's a bit trite and not as black and white as that but that did resonate with me.

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/05/2024 12:37

You're wasting hours of your precious life trying to figure him out. What you should be doing is figuring out how to stop seeing him. You can't stop someone from being angry. Wishing doesn't make it so.