Very toxic Dad, what is wrong with him?

[Espressosos]

My Dad is a very angry, shouty man. He is very difficult to be around, but I can't go contact for various complicated reasons. I really don't know what is wrong with him, whether it's a personality disorder or severe depression, or just personality. I could write a book on his behaviour, but I'll just give a few recent examples in hope that someone can shed some light on him for me.

• He wanted me to go somewhere with him, I told him I would after work. I finish work and ring him and check we're still going (he often changes his mind and doesn't want to go to things) and he says 'why? don't you want to? I bet you've made plans to go out' all angrily, and I say no I just need to know so I can start getting ready. He says yes we're still going, so I get ready and go and find him (he's in the garage). He has a go at me for approaching him to see if he's ready when he's in the garage with my jacket and shoes on ready to leave as it's rude as apparently I can tell he's not ready. He then starts on a long rant about he's not had a drink all day, has had nothing to eat, as if it's my fault. We end up not going after I've sat there ready to leave for half an hour. He's retired and just potters around doing random things.
• The other day we were in the car together and there is a car driving crazily, weaving in and out of traffic (but not near us, so not impacting us directly). He takes it upon himself to race this car (so therefore driving crazily himself) to the traffic lights, wind down his window and sweat at the driver. Then when the driver is trying to change into our lane he blocks it by constantly matching its speed... He's done this kind of thing before, it's really embarrassing and scary.
• He thinks rules don't apply to him, but apply for everyone else. No one else can speed, but he can. No one else can park in places they're not supposed to, but he can.
• He has embarrassed me in public so many times. He is rude and arrogant to people, he is a nightmare customer in shops. If there's a queue in a shop and he has to queue in it he will start berating the staff who aren't on the tills, saying they are lazy. I'll tell him to stop and be quiet but that gets him even angrier. If we're in a restaurant he'll loudly say things like 'these menus are f*cking filthy', just things that most people wouldn't say loud enough for everyone to hear.

Any insight?

He sounds like my mum, I also think some sort of personality disorder. I went no contact 4 years ago now and my life is so peaceful now. Have you ever called him out on his behaviour?

I would also think your various complicated reasons for not going no contact do not really stand up to scrutiny if and when examined. What is stopping you from doing this?

Thank you everyone. I think I'm just interested in finding out the 'why' to try and understand him, I logically can't get my head around his behaviour. It impacts a lot on my self-esteem, as I see the way people look and respond to him and I sort of take it on too, I almost feel guilty by association even though I'm nothing like him (I'm the opposite in fact - a passive people pleaser).

Sometimes he can be nice to me so I forget what he's like, and then it will get brought up later as a way of bargaining with/manipulating me, or he will ask why I didn't pay him to do things I thought were normal things for family members to help out with - like when he helped fix my car.

My sister is low contact with him. I can't though, I help care for a relative that requires me to be in contact with my Dad, and I am the only one in my family that can talk sense into him and talk him down when he goes into these crying episodes.

I still live with my parents, I am currently in probation at a new job and have no savings so I need to wait it out for a couple of months more just to build a safety net. I also help look after my elderly grandpa who is my Dad's Dad, so often need to talk about things related to that.

If you don't want to go no contact then start calling him out on his behaviour... every single time! This is what my sister does with my mum, she won't back down until she gets an apology, she seems to think it's working.

Could it be he feels emasculated, if that's the correct term? What did he do for a job?

You poor thing, what a scene. Ultimately it matters not one bit why he behaves like he does. It's irrelevant, because even if he was diagnosed with Insufferable Cunt Personality Syndrome tomorrow, it wouldn't make him any easier to deal with and in your eyes it might give him an excuse.

The only thing you can do is to, not get in a car with him, not go in a shop with him, avoid him as much as possible in order to protect yourself. This won't feel easy to you because the outfall of being the daughter of someone like this means that as you identify, you've been raised to be polite, and malleable and be a massive people pleaser and not rock the boat.

But, the boat will have to be rocked or, you will have to put up with this until he's cold in the ground, and also deal with the personal impact this has on you long after that.

Stay away from him as much as possible, time to learn about boundaries. Not easy but you can do it.

I was reading that low testosterone can cause issues in men, it might be worth getting him tested for it. That said if it's just a part of his personality then I would give him a very wide berth.

The reasons why he behaves the way he does isn't your concern. His motives are his business and even if you knew them, you wouldn't be able to control what he chooses to do.

What matters to you is the impact his behaviours have on you and this is where boundaries are key. The important thing about boundaries is that they're about changing your own behaviours. They're not about changing other people's behaviours. Boundaries are there for your protection, they're impersonal, and they should ideally include a pre-planned exit strategy.

Saying "I'm not going to get in the car with you unless you stop being such an angry driver" isn't a boundary because it's aimed at one person and is an attempt to change their behaviour. Saying "If I'm given the choice to get in a car with anyone who's scared me by their driving I will instead get an Uber or drive myself" is a good boundary as it's about self-protection. Another useful one might be "If I'm in an environment with someone who is shouting at me and/or others then I'll excuse myself and leave as quickly and quietly as I can."

He behaves the way he does through choice. You also have a choice whether you want to subject yourself to his bad behaviour or not. You are morally allowed to only interact with him when he's being respectful and the moment he kicks off you are allowed to say "I see you're upset. It's time for me to go."

Why did you get roped into caring for his father?. Who gave you that task?. Drop the rope.

your dad is like this because he can and he is abusive. I sincerely hope that you yourself do not get into a relationship with someone like your dad going forward.

it’s no surprise you are a people pleaser, that has come about from wanting to parent please such a parent like your dad. You will need therapy going forward and a lot of it if you are to recover. Ultimately you need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

So, you are relying on them for a home etc?

Then, I think you’ll have to put up with it for a while.🤷‍♀️

Please do not waste any more time or headspace on trying to work out why he is the ways he is. It’s not your fault he is like this and you did not make him that way

Oh OP you are setting yourself on fire to keep your abusive parent warm.

You are trying to rationalise the irrational. Your Dad is like this because he gets his own way.
You are caring for his father - that's your father's job, not yours!

It's very sad that you are stuck in this mode of appeasement. I so wish you could see what we can.

Why are you caring for his father?

He sounds like a very angry soul. Do you know much about his upbringing?

I recommend all of Lindsay C Gibson's books. They helped me so much. I felt so validated in all of my feelings (finally, at 50 odd).
My mum is a victim narc so hard to spot unless you're close to her. My dad backs her up no matter how unreasonable she is (and boy is she). It's been a nightmare.

You sound a bit detached from it which is admirable! Well done for not feeling sucked into his dysfunction.

Is he like this always or does his personality fluctuate? Check out impulse control disorder.
Much of what you say sounds familiar to me.

No point medicalising it.

He's your average, common or garden utter prick.

He sounds like a narcissist. Does he ever apologise for anything he's done wrong? Or does he blame it on others and/or turn it round on you and bring up something you've done wrong in the past?

Actually I the case of my family member, the right antipsychotic treatment has been transformational.

Hiding in a different room, by the sounds of it. She's probably been on the receiving end of this for nigh on forty years.

Speaking from experience, is there any history of Huntington’s disease in the family?

I was reading that low testosterone can cause issues in men, it might be worth getting him tested for it.

Yeah, OP, slip on his collar and harness and take him to the vet's, I'm sure they can hold him down so you can get a blood sample.🤔

Ruminating on why he is the way he is, is a waste of your time and energy. Focus instead on why you’re putting up with it.

Have you ever lost you shit with him? Really went to town on him in the style that he speaks to others in.

Sadly, he only respects anger and violence really, so my advice is to go for the jugular every single time. Perhaps one warning that you won’t be taking any shit from him, then let him suffer the natural consequences of his temper (eg. get a taxi, be left alone at the restaurant table)

perhaps when he starts on at waiting staff you could talk over him and remind him not to be a complete boor. Obviously you will then have stay firm that he is being a boor and a baby to boot because he expects to perform a tantrum and can’t cope with being corrected.

you can’t stop him, but you can stop giving him an audience.