Very toxic Dad, what is wrong with him?

[Espressosos]

My Dad is a very angry, shouty man. He is very difficult to be around, but I can't go contact for various complicated reasons. I really don't know what is wrong with him, whether it's a personality disorder or severe depression, or just personality. I could write a book on his behaviour, but I'll just give a few recent examples in hope that someone can shed some light on him for me.

• He wanted me to go somewhere with him, I told him I would after work. I finish work and ring him and check we're still going (he often changes his mind and doesn't want to go to things) and he says 'why? don't you want to? I bet you've made plans to go out' all angrily, and I say no I just need to know so I can start getting ready. He says yes we're still going, so I get ready and go and find him (he's in the garage). He has a go at me for approaching him to see if he's ready when he's in the garage with my jacket and shoes on ready to leave as it's rude as apparently I can tell he's not ready. He then starts on a long rant about he's not had a drink all day, has had nothing to eat, as if it's my fault. We end up not going after I've sat there ready to leave for half an hour. He's retired and just potters around doing random things.
• The other day we were in the car together and there is a car driving crazily, weaving in and out of traffic (but not near us, so not impacting us directly). He takes it upon himself to race this car (so therefore driving crazily himself) to the traffic lights, wind down his window and sweat at the driver. Then when the driver is trying to change into our lane he blocks it by constantly matching its speed... He's done this kind of thing before, it's really embarrassing and scary.
• He thinks rules don't apply to him, but apply for everyone else. No one else can speed, but he can. No one else can park in places they're not supposed to, but he can.
• He has embarrassed me in public so many times. He is rude and arrogant to people, he is a nightmare customer in shops. If there's a queue in a shop and he has to queue in it he will start berating the staff who aren't on the tills, saying they are lazy. I'll tell him to stop and be quiet but that gets him even angrier. If we're in a restaurant he'll loudly say things like 'these menus are f*cking filthy', just things that most people wouldn't say loud enough for everyone to hear.

Any insight?

If your DF is retired why are you caring for your grandpa and DF isn't? Because you're female?

My father is along the same lines.

I went NC despite him still being married to my lovely mum. Her not leaving him is another story.....

Why can't you NC?

He's not old at all.

Just a bully by the sounds of it.

Let's not look for excuses for a nasty bullying man.

No insights. It doesn't matter why or how he is like this. It's taking a toll on you. Set boundaries. Change your phone number if you can. Stay out and do things by yourself.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm.

FOG is what people like him use -- fear, guilt and obligation. I understand that it may be impossible to go NC now. Then try LC (low-contact) with him.

Try not to argue with him about this or that. Your goal is to have a peace of mind away from him, not some relationship with him where you pay with your MH for keeping him company.

You don't owe him your friendship. If you don't like him, you don't have to like him. You don't owe him anything, let alone your health.

I'm so sorry you are going through this 💐

Thank you everyone. I'm sorry I can't reply to every reply but I'm grateful for them. Today is another awful today. He hasn't eaten all day which makes his temper even worse as he gets low blood sugar, someone left a cup in the living room so he said if it happens again he will smash every cup in the house? He won't do that, but the reaction is just so disproportionate that it's just bizarre to me. I do remember him being like this during my childhood, but I'm starting to worry that perhaps it is getting worse, and what that could mean?

I help with my grandfather because I'm close with him, but if I ever miss a visit my Dad will guilt trip me - like say how much weight he's lost, or how quickly he's deteriorating. He doesn't seem to understand that I work full-time, whereas he's retired and has all the time in the world...

@OligoN I have gotten angry at him, I end up feeling awful afterwards though - embarrassed that I acted that way, and frustrated that I've let him get to me. When we're in public I just keep quiet or walk away. It's awful, I feel so ashamed and embarrassed.

@donthaveaname No, there's no history of Huntington's disease in our family that I know of.

This really does sound like a combination of things that likely include impulse control disorder @Espressosos
The lack of sense of proportion and rationality of the arguments + going full days without eating then suddenly binging on unhealthy stuff is typical. There are some parallels with bipolar disorder. The agitation builds up and up and sometimes it makes no sense at all. The explosions can be enormous.

PM me if you want to speak with someone who is familiar with similar behaviour xx

Sounds like my husband... all his 5 children, low contact or no contact. Sad but he stresses them out too much. I suspect a PND from abusive childhood but he has an inability to stand in another's shoes and is sooo needy. Sad, nice person under all the anger and stress

Thank you everyone. I think I'm just interested in finding out the 'why' to try and understand him, I logically can't get my head around his behaviour. It impacts a lot on my self-esteem, as I see the way people look and respond to him and I sort of take it on too, I almost feel guilty by association even though I'm nothing like him (I'm the opposite in fact - a passive people pleaser).

Sometimes he can be nice to me so I forget what he's like, and then it will get brought up later as a way of bargaining with/manipulating me, or he will ask why I didn't pay him to do things I thought were normal things for family members to help out with - like when he helped fix my car.

My sister is low contact with him. I can't though, I help care for a relative that requires me to be in contact with my Dad, and I am the only one in my family that can talk sense into him and talk him down when he goes into these crying episodes.

I could have written this about my husband... and I know how hard it is.
Easy yo give " leave the c**t" advice when you are not in the situation.
I've not helped I'm fully aware but he is old and ill now and I couldn't just dump him... the kids ignore all his needy calls and EB now but see him occasionally apart from eldest who lives abroad. They have no expectations of him...

I think people like this carry a lot of shame but they aren't even aware that that's the problem. Defence mechanisms defend the ego from uncomfortable feels, shame, regret, confronting one's own shortcomings..... so the speed these types place the blame into others around them is instantaneous.

So, eg, It's not that he's impatient no no no as if, it's that you're too slow. Confronting the idea that he's impatient would ne uncomfortable. Cos that's a shortcoming.

And.... it's not that he made a decision without consulting you, no, no no, it's that you are insinuating he did something wrong, which of corse he did not, so therefore you are to blame. How dare you!

You're always to blame for the shame, impatience, irritation, disappointment, repressed anger...so he's angry You're making him feel bad.

My mother is a bit like this, but more the wounded martyr. In her head, she is perfect.

I think this is really insightful