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Original poster

Can a 30 year age gap ever work?

59 replies

Snowblossom171 · 13/05/2024 16:50

My 37 year old friend is dating a man 30 years older than her.

She's had some terrible relationships in the past and seems to think this bloke is finally 'the one'. I'm concerned she's setting herself for even more heartbreak.

They came over at the weekend for a BBQ. It was the first time I'd met him and whilst he was a very pleasant man, I just couldn't see past his age and how odd they looked together. He looked like he could have been her grandad.

Can this ever work out? I'm worried she could end up as his carer in a few short years. She also has children- 1 primary age and 2 teenagers. I wonder how this will effect them aswell.

Any positive stories?

OP posts:
WeeOrcadian · 13/05/2024 16:54

I've been in a relationship with someone 20 yrs older, it didn't work, it was bloody hard work

Sorry, not what you wanted to hear

Curiossir · 13/05/2024 17:01

You should trust your friend to make her own decisions, but yes, it may get tricky as he gets older. I was with someone 13 years younger. It didn't work out but not because of any age difference.

Original poster
Snowblossom171 · 13/05/2024 17:02

Also, I don't want this to come across as judgemental but do you think a 60+ year old man who is attracted like that to someone 30 years younger is actually a decent person?

I've got no experience of this at all, nothing to compare it to but he's the same age as my dad and there's no way on earth my dad would date someone that young (if he wasn't happily married that is!).

I can't help feeling like, is he just a dirty old man?

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowblossom171 · 13/05/2024 17:04

Curiossir · 13/05/2024 17:01

You should trust your friend to make her own decisions, but yes, it may get tricky as he gets older. I was with someone 13 years younger. It didn't work out but not because of any age difference.

I won't say anything to her, I'm just confused by it all and don't really have anyone in real life to talk to about it without it turning into gossip.

OP posts:
Chypre · 13/05/2024 17:07

I don't think it can work as a genuinely happy and harmonious relationship, no. But, it can work as a mutually suitable arrangement, if that's what they have agreed on. He has companionship, she has some sort of security maybe?

CJ0374 · 13/05/2024 17:12

A girl I went to school with used to baby sit the neighbours kids at age16. The kids father had an affair with her, eventually got divorced and they got married when she was 18. No one thought it would last with their 28yr difference and the way they got together.

25yrs later, they have 3 kids and are still together. It can work, but I don't think it commonly does.

labracadabras · 13/05/2024 17:13

I fell in love at aged 25 with a man who was 55. He became one of my best friends. I didn’t do anything and neither did he but we love each other. His children are younger than me. 25 years on, he is 80 and I’m 50 and he’s still fit and active and outgoing and he’s been retired for 20 years. Had I married or been in a relationship with him and had my current children - it would have been wonderful I think. I would have worked and he had paid off the mortgage and done all the running around for the kids and I would have worked and everything I earnt would have gone onto saving, private education and holidays. I often thought about it and he was single for many years and I went through a number of shit relationships.

My friend aged 23 met her head of department in a secondary school and he was 50 with no children. So 27 years. Within 3 years they are married and had 2 children and she was 26 and he was 53. Twenty odd years later he is an active 73 and retired early and took his pension and did all the school runs and she is 43 and he is 73 and the kids and home is very loving and both of them retired as he had long paid off the mortgage. So yes it can work.

Two close school friends married at 23 (both of them) he died of brain cancer at age 40 and she’s been a widow for 10 years.

SamW98 · 13/05/2024 17:14

I’m 55 and even I wouldn’t go near a man 10+ years my senior.

Honestly she could be the one in a million it works for but I can’t understand being attracted to someone old enough to be your father.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 13/05/2024 17:15

My DH is seven years older than me, I wouldn't go any older than that.

Sadly she'll either end up heart broken or his carer and eventually (or not much time at all) a young widow!

Tissuerolls · 13/05/2024 17:18

It's her choice her emotions end of the day. Unless she's being obviously bullied or is mentally vulnerable or exploited I'd stay out. 37 is old enough.

I'd detach and leave her to work things out, for better or worse.

I personally would be wary of potentially being lined up for the nurse-with-a-purse role.

However, some women do seem to take this on and go with it, and the set-up seems to suit them, so what do I know?

At 37 with three kids, she may not feel she has time to explore loads of dating options or want to blend families with someone, so prefers more of a companionship where the guy is more of a "gentleman friend" or whatever the oldies call them.

Tissuerolls · 13/05/2024 17:22

I also agree with pps in that finances do come into play (unfortunately).

The guys described have the benefit of 20 years of working, no existing children, so they can genuinely offer some stability.

If the guy has his own children and wants them to inherit but her to commit (and be carer) I'd be very wary.

Grendell · 13/05/2024 17:24

My son went to school with a classmate whose dad was 80. He was twice the age of his wife, the mother.

The Dad was a billionaire.

Never heard anyone passing judgment on the situation. Perhaps, the Billionaire Class gets a pass.

Dhsidygsy · 13/05/2024 17:29

Snowblossom171 · 13/05/2024 17:02

Also, I don't want this to come across as judgemental but do you think a 60+ year old man who is attracted like that to someone 30 years younger is actually a decent person?

I've got no experience of this at all, nothing to compare it to but he's the same age as my dad and there's no way on earth my dad would date someone that young (if he wasn't happily married that is!).

I can't help feeling like, is he just a dirty old man?

She's nearly 40. It would be different if she was in her teens or 20s because there's a power imbalance (any age gap where they are young enough to their partner's child) and they're unlikely to have children.

Lookingforunicorns · 13/05/2024 19:22

Who knows.
I don't understand it myself just ewww.
I'm not attracted to anyone more than 10 years older than me in my late 40s.
She's going to end up as a carer. What does he offer that she finds attractive?
Just why? She's had her kids. Does she need his money or something?

childlessandfree · 13/05/2024 20:10

So times it works some times it dont.
How i see it its not what i would do but its nothing to do with me as long as they are happy.

Churchview · 13/05/2024 21:52

My friend and her partner have been together a long time. He's 20 years older than her.

This is mattering more as the years go by. She's 60 now and still vibrant, working, wants to travel and make the very most of her days. He's retired, 80, doesn't have his past energy (despite keeping very fit) andwants to stay in and watch TV. Frankly he's very grumpy if she goes out on her own as he's been at home all day. It's tough for her and the future looks like more of the same.

I can't imagine how the difference of 30 years would pan out as a 30 and 60 year old age. A stark age difference will be when she's 40 - he's 70. They will most likely want very different things from life.

Duh · 13/05/2024 22:00

CJ0374 · 13/05/2024 17:12

A girl I went to school with used to baby sit the neighbours kids at age16. The kids father had an affair with her, eventually got divorced and they got married when she was 18. No one thought it would last with their 28yr difference and the way they got together.

25yrs later, they have 3 kids and are still together. It can work, but I don't think it commonly does.

A 44 year old man and the 16 year old baby sitter. How utterly grim.

Loopytiles · 13/05/2024 22:06

If she had no DC to consider would think it her business.

As she has DC it’d be poor parenting to introduces him to her DC and / or progress to anything more than dating with him, since it seems crappy and embarrassing (at best) for DC. Especially on top of negative imoact of past relationships on them. And

Aldertrees · 13/05/2024 22:31

Does the old man have adult children?

Alicewinn · 13/05/2024 22:33

Yeah my friend did this, had kids with him then but then sadly I just think went really 'off him' He is an interesting man, I could see the appeal but the relationship ran it's course.

Globules · 13/05/2024 22:37

My mum and dad were happily married for 13 years before he died aged 62. He left behind a 33yr old widow and 2 children aged 3 & 9.

I have a half brother who is a year older than my mum. Which is weird all round

So the relationship worked for my parents. Same can't be said for me and my sibling growing up without a dad.

AtalantaX · 14/05/2024 00:49

My DP is over twenty years older than me. I finally fell in love when I met him, and we’ve been very happy together for years. I wouldn’t swap a day of our relationship with anything else. I was forty when we met.

Berlinlover · 14/05/2024 01:10

I spent several years with a man 26 years older than me. I was 26 and he was 52 when we met. It was a lovely relationship and when it ended it wasn’t because of our age gap. My current partner is 21 years older than me. I was 44 when we got together.

Cantbelieveit101 · 14/05/2024 01:17

My ex PIL had a 20 year age gap.
when she retired he was an old man and she has done nothing in her retirement years.

Its not tenable.

Opentooffers · 14/05/2024 01:31

It looks like your friend has very low self esteem so low that any man who is nice to her will do. Unfortunately, to her being treated well is probably a revelation and makes a lovely change. This may well wear off in time, hopefully her DC's being young still means she won't be aiming to progress things in a hurry and given time it will come to an end - when he gets to his 70's. Sadly meantime, she hasn't thought past if his seemingly nice behaviour, because there will be some odd things about him when the mask has slipped, as any man entering into such a gap, is more about the physical benefits and ease of manipulation rather than a meeting of minds as there's a generation gap gulf mentally .