Can a 30 year age gap ever work?

[Snowblossom171]

My 37 year old friend is dating a man 30 years older than her.

She's had some terrible relationships in the past and seems to think this bloke is finally 'the one'. I'm concerned she's setting herself for even more heartbreak.

They came over at the weekend for a BBQ. It was the first time I'd met him and whilst he was a very pleasant man, I just couldn't see past his age and how odd they looked together. He looked like he could have been her grandad.

Can this ever work out? I'm worried she could end up as his carer in a few short years. She also has children- 1 primary age and 2 teenagers. I wonder how this will effect them aswell.

Any positive stories?

She's nearly 40, I'm sure she knows the risks of dating someone 30 years older than her. It's unlikely to work out but there's not much you can do.

You friend is 37. She is old enough to truly know her mind and own her choices. She also already has 3 children so she doesn’t need to think about her biological clock.

Will it work? Not for me because I can’t see myself with someone as old as my dad. But it could work for her. As long as they are both happy.

My consideration is the same as hers: I would like a family. This is practical for her over the next 15 years, and possible for me any time for the rest of my entire life. Men and woman are biologically different. As for generational or emotional differences. These are negligible

Who cares about her personality and having an emotional connection right, the important thing is her young appearance and that she can have your kids.

If She was 20 and he was 50 that would be dirty old man territory. But she’s 37, old enough to make her own decisions. No-one’s business but the 2 of them.

Her being 37, I think your job is to be a good friend even if you have some concerns. For starters it might only be a fling. The stories of 16 and 20 year olds getting into relationships with 25/30 year gaps are different.

A good friend has a 17 year gap the other way (she's the older one). I personally can't stand find her partner a tricky character and I think the age gap does contribute to the type of issues they have. But tbh it would be pretty arrogant of me to think their issues are worse than the ones I have had in my relationships.

Of course if your friend was dating a 49 year old who used chatGPT to post on Mumsnet about women's search for marriage and family and what a hot biological property he was, I might warn her off.

Who cares about her personality and having an emotional connection ? My point is that: emotional connection and personally is everything. And if both people feel strong attraction, shared values, sense of humor and lifestyle. I can tell you it's very difficult to be the mature one and say, 'actually your feelings are just a naïve joke. You need to grow up, experience a selection of relationships, experiment with drugs, maybe get pregnant and / or married, have kids, get a divorce, and we'll talk when you're 40 and ready to know what real love is'. Especially, when I never did any of those things. As the 'dirty old man' I only feel; flattered, respectful, confusion and sadness, as I ignore her and patiently wait for her to find someone more acceptable. It doesn't matter if he doesn't make her smile uncontrollably, or care about her ambitions, it doesn't matter if he is fat and illiterate, as long as he isn't old .

*penguinman211 *your post mentioned nothing about her smile, ambitions or personality. The only thing you mentioned is that she is young and fertile.

My experience may be tainted as I was young when we first got together, I was 20 and he was 40. We were married with two kids very quickly. By 26, I was panicking about what I’d done, and had realised what the dynamic really was. I can’t tell you how many mumsnet threads I read about age gap relationships desperately trying to find anyone saying they were happy, and when I did it didn’t reassure me for more than a few minutes because I knew in my gut I was uncomfortable with it myself. At 29, I am divorced and my only regret is not doing so sooner. I’m dating again, and my age limit on the apps is set at 33 with the deal breaker box ticked so no one older will come up. I would never, ever, ever do it again and will actively ensure I warn every woman who may be religiously reading this threads like me, especially young women, don’t do it. There’s almost always a reason they are seeking out significantly younger woman. The gap widens. You age before your time. You lose the ability to feel like you even fit in with people your own age. There’s a reason you are focusing on the age gap, worrying about to future, LEAVE.

Sorry OP, I know this thread is about your friend but I know their will be other woman out there like me who scour the internet for anything on age gaps. My inbox is always open. Can you tell I’m jaded!!

She will end up being his carer by the time she’s in her 40’s or possibly sooner.