Can a 30 year age gap ever work?

[Snowblossom171]

My 37 year old friend is dating a man 30 years older than her.

She's had some terrible relationships in the past and seems to think this bloke is finally 'the one'. I'm concerned she's setting herself for even more heartbreak.

They came over at the weekend for a BBQ. It was the first time I'd met him and whilst he was a very pleasant man, I just couldn't see past his age and how odd they looked together. He looked like he could have been her grandad.

Can this ever work out? I'm worried she could end up as his carer in a few short years. She also has children- 1 primary age and 2 teenagers. I wonder how this will effect them aswell.

Any positive stories?

I had a relationship with a 22 year age gap. (me 22 and him 44) Neither of us had been married or had kids, so no baggage. It was fantastic for 5 years but then I had a pregnancy scare, and he made it clear that he didn't want to be a father under any circumstances. I knew I could never abort his baby if I accidentally got pregnant, so I ended it. I couldn't have that risk hanging over me. It was very hard to do as I loved him so much.

But you could never have a family together?

Does the bloke have adult children? It's shitty for them, even if your friend and him don't encounter any issues (and they undoubtedly will when she becomes his carer/ he makes his will).

I know of a situation like this. 62-year-old man in a relationship with a 27-year-old woman. She is younger than his oldest daughter, and a year or so older than his youngest daughter. It is stomach-turning for the daughters to know their father was well into his 30's and one of them was already a toddler when their 'stepmother' was born. It has wreaked havoc on their relationship with him, not to mention inheritance etc is now a massive issue, and their mother won't be in the same room as the couple so the adult children don't want to have weddings or family gatherings etc.
When their mother said to him "How would you feel if daughter A or B brought home a man your age???" He said "I'd be happy for both of them!"
Men are disgusting.
If you asked this on a men's board you'd get very different answers.

One of my friends had an affair with her (married) professor while at University. He was almost 50 and she was 22. He left his wife and married my friend.

They had about 20 good years (by her account). No children by choice, lots of traveling and entertaining and they were happy. But by the time he hit 70 the age gap was just too glaring. His health started to decline and she did spend a decade as his carer.

So...did it work out? It was a successful relationship for 20 years and they were both happy. That last decade wasn't good and even if he hadn't had health problems I don't think she would have been happy due to the age difference.

It wouldn't work for me; I've never been sexually attracted to significantly older men. It's possible this will work for your friend. Who knows?

My late husband was 22 yrs my senior. I put off marrying him because I was worried about the age difference and my father was against it.

We were married 27 yrs. I miss him so much. I was in my mid 30s when we finally married and I never managed to carry to full term, so I'm on my own now.

It's ironic: I worried about being a younger widow; I worried about finishing as my husband's carer; I worried that my children would hate me for giving them an older father. In the end, I didn't have to worry about the children. Maybe if I'd had the courage to marriage sooner...

I went into the relationship with my eyes open. I love my husband. I miss him. But I couldn't recommend an age gap relationship - it brings its own challenges.

Your friend has to make up her own mind, but she needs to be realistic. The chances are she'll be widowed young or a carer. Unless her man has millions squirrelled away, it's inevitable that she'll be the breadwinner for most of their relationship. She'll also have to put up with people making assumptions: I had people thinking that I was living off my husband. Nope! I paid the bills (including the mortgage).

I'm glad I had my husband, I really am - but it could be difficult at times. He was ill for most of our married life. That might not happen to your friend OP, but she should be realistic.

my partner and I have a 27 year age gap. I am 35, he is 62.
It is the loveliest, happiest, easiest, most loving and caring relationship I’ve ever been in. I have never been especially attracted to older men, I just met him and absolutely loved everything about him - he could have been any age, you can’t help who you love.
I am the best version of me I’ve ever been since meeting him; he is the best version of himself too. We just click.

Is it perfect now? Yes.
Might it get tricky when we’re older and one needs more care? Yes.
But people can get ill at any age, and I would rather take a chance on a fantastic relationship, rather than be scared about the future. None of our futures are guaranteed.

To the person who said “I don't think it can work as a genuinely happy and harmonious relationship, no.” I am so baffled - how can you just make up a completely random opinion based on nothing? Why is my relationship not genuinely happy and harmonious? You can not say something so judgemental that you have no personal experience of, it’s like reading a comment from a non-mother berating parenting or bottle feeding or a c-section - if you have no idea, you have no idea, so you should just say you don’t know, instead of telling those of us who DO know that we in fact do not know our own emotions or lives.

I’m in a 19 year age gap relationship that works well but we are both neurodivergent which I think is a factor.

Just prejudice.... your friend needs to break from you.... before you destroy this relationship with your shock attitude ... you the small minded person...try a different hobby which fills your life .. travel broadens your mind

Well said

I have a cousin now 30 who never wants children and has cannot find a girl to stay with him long term... your situation is not age related

Is he rich? You know what they say about that.
Either way if your friend is happy let her be and if it doesn’t work out you will be there for her and if it does work out then just be happy for your friend. Some people like older people or naturally gravitate towards them, 30 years is quite the age gap though but each to their own. 💐

FIL is 80, his wife is 39. They have been together since she was 20. They seem happy but I do think it's fucking weird deep down.

My friend is similar to you. Got together with a lovely man 25 years older (she was late 30s then). He is still very good for his age but at 79 and they have a 12 year old child it is becoming extremely difficult with teen demands and his is becoming a lot more tired and limited as becomes either aging.

In the main I think it occasionally works but the stresses soon tell

Sometimes you meet someone and - whatever your differences - it feels right. If you’re going to judge people for that, it’s your problem not theirs.
Right now I’m sure she can be happy. It’s really not about now when he’s in his 60s, it’s about her being ready for 20 years down the line. Sometimes 20 odd good years is worth more than 40 odd shitty ones.

I wonder if her teenagers find it cringe that mum is dating a pensioner?

There may be attraction now, but if the relationship endures then it may end up turning into a friendship as he ages and becomes infirm. She could well become his carer. Has he got grown up kids OP? I'd be mortified if my father dated a woman younger than me.

A 61 year old hitting in a 20yo. That's fucking gross.

That is a very narrow minded approach. I'm in my 30s and have dated men in late 50s and one in early 60s. None of them were dirty old men. They were lovely people, good company, caring etc. People have different agendas in what they are looking for in a partner. You might not want to but that doesn't make it immoral or dirty in any way. Let your friend decide what's best for her. Perhaps she isn't after something serious or even if she is, she has chosen to be happy in the present. Whether or not the relationship will last cannot be predicted by anyone.

Eww hes nearly 70! Unless he's got money and shes playing the long game…. WTF

She's 37 and has had a marriage and children already. She's a grown woman and this might be what she needs right now. Maybe both of them aren't looking for a big commitment and they enjoy each others company. It's their choice and you shouldn't interfere.

As long as they are both consenting adults and happy that is all that matters. if that happiness last 5,10,20years so be it, better to be happy for some time rather than be in a relationship and be unhappy.

In this day and age it is fine for 2 women/ 2 men to be in a relationship or to change gender but people are still so hung up on age gaps. You would be considered homophobic if anything negative was said about gays and lesbians and classed as being discriminatory if you commented negatively on gender changes but people think it is ok to be so negative about age gap relationships. And then there is babies/children who end up having 2 mums or 2 dads and have to navigate through school life, the teasing, the unkindness, the awkwardness of who to make a Father’s Day or Mother’s Day card for etc but this is not considered as detrimental as a baby/child who is being brought up in an age gap relationship.

Yes it may not work for you or be your choice just like dating someone the same sex as you but everyone is different.

Age gap rationships do work. People are sceptic but that should not mean anyone should advise against them. Comparability is many things and age maybe one of them but in my experience (for the couple at least) not as important as their friends might think.

But that doesn't mean it "works", only that they're still together.

Not the same thing.

There's one of these threads every week. To sum up every single one, the following applies.
You'll get answers about how someone knows someone who have been together 30 years with a 25 year gap and they are happiest couple they know.
You'll get answers that say it's fine for first 10 years then gap becomes a real issue, especially when we went out for my 30 birthday and he wanted to get the bus home at 10pm because he gets free bus travel as a pensioner but I wanted to have another drink.
You'll get answers that say anybody could die or get sick at anytime and my 97 year old partner is fitter than most 35 year olds I know and you only live once so go for it.
Then there are the ones who think he is a perv or weird, she is lacking any autonomy or is a gold digger.
Then the warnings of being trapped as a carer before you get to 40.
But in reality it can be any or none of the above. The most likely outcome is the relationship finishes when the age gap is really aparant or the younger starts to feel trapped and resentful. Usually when the man is 70ish. Nobody can tell really.
My view is it is not for me, but if a younger partner is older than 35 I don't think it's so weird as to break contact or say anything.

As a 49 year old man, from personal experience, I can tell you that it IS possible for a young intelligent and eligible woman to relentlessly peruse a much older man. Especially if he is tall, fit and handsome. Most answers acknowledge this. Some propose the idea that, 'when she is 40, he will be 70' as some impractical biological issue. My consideration is the same as hers: I would like a family. This is practical for her over the next 15 years, and possible for me any time for the rest of my entire life. Men and woman are biologically different. As for generational or emotional differences. These are negligible when compared to profound and complimentary differences between Men and Women in general. In my life I have learned, that young women often seek marriage and family. I knew a woman who married young, to a man who ended up in prison for armed robbery. She was 19, raising a child alone, while husband was in prison. A girl can do alot worse than a successful 49 year old.