In love with my therapist

[TherapyHelp]

NC because this is embarrassing.

I know it's not unusual but I have a serious crush on my therapist. We're both female, I know she is a lesbian (I am too).

I can't stop thinking about her and wishing we'd met under different circumstances. We are both single and have so much in common.

She has an informal and relaxed style and is happy to answer questions when I ask so I feel like I know her quite well.

Should I tell her in our sessions? Google says I should but that feels really cringeworthy.

Should I end the therapy? I am reluctant to as it is really helping me.

I know nothing will ever happen even if the feelings are reciprocated.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do?

You need to NOT tell her this. She would professionally have to end the therapy relationship.

It’s normal to have an easy and open relationship with a therapist. It works for them.

It can happen that you develop “feelings” in the course of being open and vulnerable but it’s one directional.

You said it wouldn’t go anywhere even if she felt the same, so don’t bother.

If you tell her, she will probably end the sessions. If you don’t tell her, you should end the sessions. It’s that simple really and not worth agonizing over.

I hope you find another therapist that you click with OP!

You need to find a new therapist.
My Friend is a Therapist and its not unusual for this to happen to her, she has to end therapy with the person if she even suspects it as she feels its unethical to continue.
Also, you probably aren't actually in love with yoru therapist OP, its situational

Oh right! When I googled it I found an article that said to explore the feelings together with your therapist. Cringe and double cringe.

Glad the advice isn't to do that

It really don't want to end the therapy so I guess will have to hope it passes.

It's so easy to bond with a therapist because they are employed to listen, acknowledge and encourage you.

Do you know what her mode is? If she operates from a psychotherapy or integrative model, she will most definitely NOT end your sessions and will in fact welcome you disclosing this so it can be explored.

In therapy, expressions of love (including erotic love) for your therapist are perfectly normal and have more in common with the strong love that a child feels for a parent than any previous feeling you might have for a lover.

It's your therapists job to hold the boundary so you can explore these feelings (and what underlies them) safely.

I'm laughing at the posters who think you can hide this in your sessions. Its impossible. In fact, if your therapist is any good, she already knows and will not be suprised by your disclosure.

Depending on the type of therapy it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to end the sessions. I would interpret this with a client - while being very clear that nothing will ever be acted upon - so it can be worked through. It’s pretty common and nothing to feel ashamed about imo.

This. You don’t have to disclose or not disclose, OP. But any therapist worth their salt should be able to work with this in terms of understanding your own attachment style and history. I.e. whether this repeats a pattern of longing for someone unavailable, whether there is something about your therapist that reminds you of an attachment figure, etc.

She must need to do this with lots of clients then as transference is super common.

I had this with my therapist for a while and it passed.

It's not unusual, it's not wrong and please ignore the posters saying she will definitely end therapy if you tell her, that's not a given at all.

I had this with my first therapist, not that i was in love with her but she was a much older lady and i had a difficult relationship with my mother and grew up never feeling acknowledged or listened to. I know the therapist was being paid, but it was the first time in my life i felt heard and cared about by a woman who was old enough to be my mother and i did develop a sort of crush on her. It's been a pattern in my life actually - i am drawn to older women who offer me help or guidance.

i guess it was evidence that my therapy was meeting a need, but i did find it a bit distressing at the time because i didn't like the feeling of having a crush on her because i didn't know why it was happening. After more therapy with a different therapist i now understand why it happened. But I'm glad i never told the first one how i felt because it was never about her, it was about me and how much i needed the therapy, and i think it was a very good thing that after that course of treatment i went to a different therapist. Continuing therapy with her would not have been helpful for my overall recovery.

But any therapist worth their salt should be able to work with this in terms of understanding your own attachment style and history.

Thank you. God yes I think she may suspect. We talk a lot about this stuff.

She's a psychotherapist.

Thank you @Dakotabluebell for sharing that. It's really useful and is similar to the way I feel.

Transference is common in therapy probably because you feel listened to and valued, and maybe that's the first time you've felt able to open up like that with someone.

She'd probably guess that's what's happening but it would be unethical for her to reciprocate when you're a client.

My two previous therapists ended the therapy quite abruptly and I'm not sure why.

I didn't have any feelings for either of them and they both helped in different ways.

I know stuff goes on for people but it has made me paranoid I'm doing something 'wrong' in therapy or that they dreaded the sessions with me.

Current therapist is very different, much more relaxed and open and I don't get the feeling she wants to end it. In fact we often overrun and I am the one who has to remind her our time is up. Maybe that is why I have the crush - she doesn't make me feel like a client but like someone she actually cares about.

how do you know she dosent do this with others though.

I'm sure she does make her other clients feel just as special, I guess it's just a nice feeling and quite intoxicating.

She also cried with me once when I was speaking about something really sad. It didn't feel unnatural and neither of us mentioned it but it felt like she was really empathising.

Time keeping is an important boundary in therapy.
I really like what @Dakotabluebell said about this, so wont repeat.
In a way crushing on a therapist who is not available for a relationship with you is kind of a waste of precious therapy time.

Sorry, that sounds a bit harsh, reading it back.
I hope you find the best resolution for you, whether the crush fades and you can just crack on with why you came or you decide to move to another therapist.
Therapy isnt a healthy or ethical place to start a relationship, for either of you, if it's even reciprocated, which it probably is not.

Agree with the point made here about time keeping. As pp have said, you should be able to discuss your feelings with her and she should be able to help you understand and work through it. BUT her messiness around boundaries is a red flag here indicating she may have some unhelpful countertransference- giving you extra time for free is bound to make you feel special and will inflame your crush- so she's already not coming at this from a neutral position. It's a tricky one. I would talk about it all with her- your feelings and also her actions that make you feel special like the extra time, her crying etc. See how she handles it

This is quite common in therapy when you feel you really connect with the therapist @TherapyHelp but you do run the risk of romanticising this to the point of it not being a useful use of therapy time.

As others have said you could explore this with your therapist as they may already know, but you also have to be very clear on what will come of that - it won’t be a happy ever after love affair after a confession of mutual feelings. It could be a painful exploration of why you have feelings like this.

To look at it another way - you wouldn’t want your therapist to reciprocate as then they wouldn’t be the empathetic, kind listener you’ve attached to, but a manipulator abusing their relationship with a vulnerable client.

Honestly? You need to end these therapy sessions. As others have said, it's common and an occupational hazard for therapists. The issue is, even if you feel you can keep your feelings under control, these feelings are going to influence what you tell her and how you respond to the therapy.

You need to tell her so that the sessions can end and you should start with a new therapist.

1. Romantic feelings will hamper your therapy

1. If she feels the same way, she won't be in trouble

What if she's losing track of time because she's slightly disorganised and doesn't mind wrapping things up in unpaid time? You seem to be taking it to mean it's because she's engrossed in talking to you but there are lots of other reasons why she may be letting sessions overrun. I coach people, not the same at all, but I'm pretty relaxed about ending sessions on time because if we are making progress id rather reach a natural end rather than cut someone off.

Both of my therapists have been very good at ending sessions on time, which was really helpful for me to keep up boundaries, especially with the one i had a crush on - it was always a timely reminder that she was being paid to listen to me, and she's very good at it, but that's all it is.

In terms of crying - I'm pretty sure both of mine were emotionally affected by some of the stuff i told them. It would take a hard heart to not be affected if someone is distressed in front of them. If they're bawling their eyes out, that would be inappropriate - visibly emotional but keeping it all in check and focusing on you i feel is fine - but it doesn't mean anything if they are emotional. It doesn't mean they feel anything towards me than client/therapist.

I wonder how you know that you have so many shared interests?

Surely you aren't supposed to be learning about her in your sessions?

This and her timekeeping make me wonder about her boundaries with you. Which doesn't sound very professional. This could be why you have developed feelings for her.