In love with my therapist

[TherapyHelp]

NC because this is embarrassing.

I know it's not unusual but I have a serious crush on my therapist. We're both female, I know she is a lesbian (I am too).

I can't stop thinking about her and wishing we'd met under different circumstances. We are both single and have so much in common.

She has an informal and relaxed style and is happy to answer questions when I ask so I feel like I know her quite well.

Should I tell her in our sessions? Google says I should but that feels really cringeworthy.

Should I end the therapy? I am reluctant to as it is really helping me.

I know nothing will ever happen even if the feelings are reciprocated.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do?

What you are experiencing is called transference and it is a completely normal occurrence in psychotherapy. One is encouraged to explore those feelings with their therapist.
No professional therapist who knows what they are doing would ever terminate therapy with a client because of transference. If they did, that would mean that they have not fully explored and dealt with their own issues and are not capable of providing proper therapy anyway.
On the other hand, a few things you mentioned about your therapist (what you call relaxed and open style resulting in sharing her private life, time-keeping, crying with you) would be red flags for me and I would be rather alarmed if my therapist did the same.
Try reading a bit more online about how therapy works and what to expect.
I find it very helpful, but there are boundaries that are absolutely essential for a good reason.

Thank you for the advice. The thought of starting again with another new therapist is really daunting. I like and trust my current one and she has really helped but I can feel that I am starting to look forward to our sessions more than I should.

I've noticed we both make a lot more effort with our appearance. She often compliments me on my clothes and I make her laugh with my lighter stuff.

I always leave her place feeling really great but I'm not sure if it's in a strictly therapeutic way.

Part of me secretly hopes that if I disclose my feelings she will admit she feels the same.

If that happened we could agree to end the therapy and leave a decent amount of time before meeting up again and seeing what happens.

I know this isn't a healthy way to think but also, we're adults and sometimes things happen and people are attracted to each other.

But I know that isn't right or ethical even if she wanted to. And there would still be a power imbalance as she's seen me at my most vulnerable.

Hi, OP -

I too was surprised to read of the idea that if you spoke of your feelings your therapist would be required to terminate you. Perhaps that is true for some particular schools of therapy?

My limited understanding is that your therapy is your safe place and you should be able to explore whatever you want. Any good therapist should be able to help you learn about yourself from whatever feelings you hold towards them. Clients falling in love with therapists is a stereotype for a good reason and they are, or should be, used to it.

The BACP Ethical Framework recommends an indefinite ban on sexual/romantic relationships between therapists and former clients. Violating this is regarded as taking advantage, a client’s consent notwithstanding, for the reasons you say. I am not implying your therapist would ever do this but I agree with you that no good would come of it if she did. It would be an abuse of power

You're not you're not you're not
If she's professional she won't have revealed enough of herself for you to love.

What you love is being heard. You love being heard. YOu love being validated. You love being supported in a growth mindset and you will heal. That's an exciting feeling too.

I get that. My first therapist was about 60 when I was 35 and she was so kind and she listened and I almost couldn't believe it. I knew she was being paid to listen but it just blew my mind that she wasn't shutting me down, dismissing all my emotions. My Next therapist was a bit younger than me. She wasn't any less good though.

When an older woman finds me interesting or good company, I'm always a bit de-railed and confused. Then I get scared she'll change her mind about me [laugh]

This!

This is why it's so important to know what kind of training your therapist has had and what kind of therapy you are having.

A psychotherapist will have had years of her own therapy and should not be rocked by knowing your feelings.

Sharing your feelings about your therapist (not just whether you fancy them!) can lead to really deep insights, but these will be about yourself. Not about you and her. But of course you can choose not to, although she may well already know.

I actually think it could be quite damaging and shame inducing to a client for their therapist to terminate the therapy if they express feelings! What message is that sending? You're too much? I can't handle you? Having feelings for our fellow humans is a natural human trait!

Running over time regularly is a massive red flag about her.

She should be managing the boundaries so you don't feel special and different to other clients.

I went through this a few years ago and it was terrible, the more the therapist flexed the boundaries the more my broken little soul believed they felt the same way about me.

It didn't end well.

I over run with my therapist all the time so to say it’s a red flag is a reach! I like to think we’re both enjoying the chat. Both very much straight and 30 years between us.

OP, I don’t believe the sessions can be that useful when at the back of your mind you fancy the person you’re talking to. Can you be totally, ruthlessly honest or are you now performing?

I would stop seeing her and let her know why. She’ll understand and may be able to help you find someone else.

It is a red flag and she's not there to 'enjoy the chat'.

Boundaries are there to keep both parties safe. The time boundary is really important and you can see how it has diminished the professional relationship with you if you think of it as an enjoyable chat.

I think the problem comes when you interpret normal parts of the therapeutic process as meaning more than they do - for example, my psychiatrist comments on what I wear most weeks. It's not because he harbours a secret attraction to me, it's because it's an important part of his clinical assessment and gives an indication as to what I've been doing/my mood.

I work in this area. You don’t need to end the relationship. You need to discuss it with her. She possibly already knows. It’s more about what is going on for you underneath that. Google erotic transference.

Wow it's like talking to myself 😂 same here - my second therapist was a woman much closer to my own age and i didn't get the same feelings about her, and actually part of the work i did with her was about why i was so drawn to my first therapist. (I mean .. it didn't take long to work out 😂) I think it was important for me to do that with a different therapist so i could look at the situation objectively and not worry about what the first one might think of me etc or that i might feel embarrassed for feelings that i couldn't help while i was pretty vulnerable and living in a state of constant high anxiety already.

I'm not sure how you know so much about your therapist though on a personal level op. Boundaries have been blurred by the sound of it. Literally all i know about my first one is the town she lives in because it's the next one over from me and she asked me about traffic once, and all i know about the second one was that she had at least one child because she could relate to me about motherhood. That's it. I haven't got a clue about their personal lives at all. That's the way it should be.

This is why the world of therapy is messy. Anyone can call themselves a psychologist as long as they don't use a protected title but the majority of the public don't know the difference. Similarly someone with a brief online counselling course can offer therapy and this when bad practice and boundary slips happen. Do your research people

Is it really 'normal' for your therapist to cry with you, overrun sessions and tell you all about themselves?

I'm thinking not. The whole thing to me sounds wrong and that she isn't maintaining professional boundaries.

Presumably, the people coming to her are quite vulnerable and this 'pally' approach is going to encourage... well... feelings like you have developed.

Talk to her op. The feelings you have developed for her are more about having your whole self being accepted and valued than true love/attraction. She will be able to explore this with you in a way which could stimulate growth.

My friend just sent me this and I haven't even told her I have a crush on my therapist. It must be that obvious 😳

I'm very surprised by the posts saying if you tell her, she will need to end the relationship. Unless there's a particular therapy where that would be the case (which I'm not aware of) it's very much not the case.

You can talk about it with her and you can both consider the meaning of it. It's not unusual. It's not unhealthy. It's okay to talk about attraction and desire. If she's the good therapist you feel she is, she will work through it with you.

@TherapyHelp it sounds like you are completely romanticising this situation and it’s going to get to a stage where you will stop getting anything out of it except more fodder for therapy, as you will be too self consciously performing for approval and wish fulfilment.

I used to make my therapist roar with laughter, sessions would run over & he would frequently comment on my clothes and I can assure you he harboured no deep feelings for me - the therapy worked because we got on well enough that I trusted him & it was the first time in my life I felt heard and validated and like a normal person. But I never forgot he was doing the job I was paying him for.

If this therapist does have any feelings for you over and above the normal therapeutic ones - and I’m sorry but I don’t think she does - she will never be able to act on them without undermining her professional integrity and would likely put an end to the sessions herself to prioritise that.

How often do your sessions overrun and by how much time?

What kind of details about herself has she shared?

They overrun by 5-15 minutes. Not loads of time but I am often the one that says our time is up.

Things have naturally come up in conversation about the things we enjoy. I ask her questions, she said she didn't mind answering if it helps me feel more at ease. So I know a bit about her family, past relationships and hobbies.

That does sound inappropriate to be honest - she should be maintaining boundaries with you for your own wellbeing.

There's nothing wrong with how you're feeling but I would look for another therapist who doesn't behave in such a confusing way.

It sounds like boundaries have blurred and I’m concerned about her sharing parts of her personal life. The overrunning is also not good - as someone said upthread time is also an important boundary.

This sounds fairly unprofessional to me, clients do not need to know their therapist’s hobbies - even if therapist and client share the same one. A therapist should be able to put their client at ease without revealing their own lives, it sounds a bit basic.

Is she a counsellor or a psychotherapist?

If she's a fully qualified psychotherapist this behaviour would be odd I think. They have usually had enough therapy of their own to be aware of these pitfalls. There are occasions where self disclosure from the therapist could be beneficial but this sounds more like a lazy habit.

If you're not at ease in the sessions, she should be exploring that!

It's easy to judge from the outside, but I'm worried the matey self disclosure is to meet her own needs to be liked, rather than do the difficult work of sitting with and exploring her client's discomfort.