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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is good sex worth leaving my Husband

96 replies

Mariah24 · 12/05/2024 18:19

Me & my Husband have been together for 15 years, 2 children aged 8 & 11. I started having an affair around a year ago. I know it’s bad, it’s so hard to explain, I love my husband but we have problems in the bedroom department, which leave me feeling unloved etc, though I know it’s really not that. My Husband loves me so much.
However the sex I have with this other guy is out of this world & really don’t want to give it up.

I know I need to make a choice and also come clean to my Husband. Just I honestly don’t know what to do, life is otherwise mostly good at home. I know I’m being selfish & I know sex isn’t everything, but why can’t I let it go.

OP posts:
MillenialAvocado · 12/05/2024 21:58

Tell your husband and let him decide if he wants to remain married to you. I know what I would do in his shoes.

Lookintomywhisperingeyeandsmellthearoma · 12/05/2024 21:59

No it isn’t worth it, it’s just lust
work on your marriage or end it don’t just leave for someone else it never really lasts

MadeForFun · 12/05/2024 21:59

I've been in your position, OP. I didn't leave my relationship purely for the sex by my God, it helped.

My relationship with my exDP was rocky and it took having an affair with tremendous sex to realise life is far too short to be unhappy.

I guess it all comes down to your relationship with your husband, and does he make you happy outwith the bedroom?

livingfreedom · 12/05/2024 22:06

I will say the same as if it was your husband cheating.
Your a cheat and disgusting to have an affair behind his back you would be so hurt if it was him doing it and he would be torn apart on here.
But its mumsnet so some will tell you to stop the affair and keep your moth shut.
If your not happy have some respect and leave before you jump on someone else.
Your NO different to a man doing it.

Tanyahawkes · 12/05/2024 22:45

PrincessofWells · 12/05/2024 20:08

Honestly, why would you tell your husband? If the sex is good and you enjoy it, carry on. It's not really any of your husbands business.

Surely this is a joke right? What if contraception fails and op gets pregnant with another man’s baby? Wouldn’t you want to know if you were being cheated on?

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 12/05/2024 23:14

Mariah24 · 12/05/2024 18:19

Me & my Husband have been together for 15 years, 2 children aged 8 & 11. I started having an affair around a year ago. I know it’s bad, it’s so hard to explain, I love my husband but we have problems in the bedroom department, which leave me feeling unloved etc, though I know it’s really not that. My Husband loves me so much.
However the sex I have with this other guy is out of this world & really don’t want to give it up.

I know I need to make a choice and also come clean to my Husband. Just I honestly don’t know what to do, life is otherwise mostly good at home. I know I’m being selfish & I know sex isn’t everything, but why can’t I let it go.

This is all over the place. He makes you feel unloved but he loves you. You
Know you should tell him and stop the affair but you don't know what to do. You sound very confused. If you are a good person you will stop this affair now and put all that affair energy in to fixing your marriage. Either that or end the marriage and continue to have an exciting sex life. Don't try and have both you will only hurt your family more.

Delphiniumandlupins · 12/05/2024 23:40

Are you expecting to be able to swap your marriage for a great sex life? I think you need to separate the two. You may not be so attractive to your AP as a single mother with 2 children so you will likely end up with neither. You and your DH both deserve to be with someone who makes you happy though.

Frangipanyoul8r · 13/05/2024 00:07

I wouldn’t leave a husband that didn’t make me orgasm as there’s no way I would have married him in the first place. I think you should be asking yourself “why did I marry my DH” rather than “should I leave because the sex is bad”.

savethatkitty · 13/05/2024 01:28

Have it both ways for as long as possible

Wonderingforever · 13/05/2024 01:45

Your an absolute and utter fool.

Your children are just about to enter some of the most important years of their life and you have risked huge amounts of trauma for them for the sake of orgasms.

Have you any idea of how potentially toxic your relationship with your dh could be about to become?

And for all the posters who will come along and say kids are fine with divorce, happy mum happy life. That is in no way guaranteed.

Children from seperated families are at risk of experiencing anxiety, depression, attachment issues, education issues to name a few above those of their peers.

Throw in the reason being an affair, your mother potentially shacking up with AP and you have added another shit load of gasoline to the fire.

When you choose to have children, they are supposed to come first. As in you make decisions in life that ultimately are in their best interests.

That doesn't mean having to stay in a relationship you don't want to be. It does however mean leaving it in a way that would cause the least amount of damage possible.

There was a million decisions you could have made, before starting an affair.

Stop right now. Before this blows up in a way you have no control over. Get yourself in front of a good therapist and come up with a plan on telling your DH and figuring out what you actually want in life.

You literally are risking fcking your kids childhood up for a dopamine hit.

And if your still having sex with your husband you are literally removing his informed consent. Alone with all the manipulation you are doing.

Is this really the person you want to be?

DontGiveTwoHoots · 13/05/2024 02:12

@Mariah24

"I really wish it was my Husband making me feel like this too."

So what have you tried so far to make this happen?
Communicating what you need clearly? Telling him the impact it's having on you? Couples/sex therapy? Looking at other areas of your life/marriage and getting more excitement in there.

Agree with PP that I'm very confused by your OP in which you both feel unloved by your DH but know he loves you "so much",

Delawear · 13/05/2024 02:21

Mariah24 · 12/05/2024 18:43

They’re definitely not being met. Theres a bit more to it than in my main post, but can’t really say on here. We do talk and I’ve told him how I feel on numerous occasions, but nothing changes.

I would urge you to seek counselling on your own to help you decide what to do. There’s no substitute for talking it all through with a professional who is non judgmental.

Cantdoitagain1 · 13/05/2024 03:55

Talk to a good therapist and decide if you want to stay in your marriage. Pause the affair while you sort out your head. If you decide to leave (which you can for any reason whatsoever, including the sex not being what you want/need) then don’t tell DH about your affair and just end it cleanly. Don’t expect your affair guy to be there at the other side and you may not even want him by then anyway.

That is my advice. Life is complicated.

Good luck.

AnnieSF · 13/05/2024 03:57

You don't want to give up the sex but you don't want a relationship with this guy? How does that work? You do know that if he was in the bed with you every night the sex wouldn't be like that?

OceanStorm · 13/05/2024 06:38

Would you tell your kids you broke up their family for sex?

MBappse · 13/05/2024 06:45

Mariah24 · 12/05/2024 21:00

We did, up to around 5 years ago.

You didn't orgasm? That wasn't a healthy sex life.

Bestyearever2024 · 13/05/2024 07:00

You're getting a hard time, OP because you're having an affair

If you'd left the affair out of your story and said:

"My husband can't satisfy me in the bedroom. I've tried everything to get him to talk about it and make changes, but nothing happens. He won't go for counselling, nothing changes. He just won't countenance getting help to make our marriage better. The marriage isn't too good in other areas. What should I do?"

If you'd said that ^^ many posters would say:

"You don't have to stay in a marriage with a selfish man who won't make the marriage work. You are young....don't live like this for the rest of your life. Get out now. Why should your husband choose to make you unhappy and unfulfilled? Why does the marriage have to be all his way? He is very selfish not to get help and to make you live the rest of your life unfulfilled and frustrated "

So, OP, I'm going to ignore the affair (because I don't think it'll last anyway) and answer you as above

Get out of the dead, unfulfilling marriage to a selfish man who won't try to make you happy.

Live your life and show your children what a truly happy Mum looks like

PS - your lover won't stick around when he realises he might have to be a stepdad, imo

Beautiful3 · 13/05/2024 07:08

I'd see a sex therapist for couples, try and get your sex life back on track. I wouldn't leave him for better sex. Because your affair partner has negatives too, but you just don't know him well enough.

Noguarantees67 · 13/05/2024 07:10

Affairs don’t happen in a vacuum. It’s because something is missing in the relationship usually, but imho that something is usually to be found within yourself and not someone else.

C1N1C · 13/05/2024 07:35

You cheated because your sex life was bad and that you wanted amazing sex... now you've got it... but what would have happened had 'new guy' been crap in bed? Would you have continued looking for other men until you found a good one?

If you tell your husband, it's over. You want to have your cake and eat too.

You'll probably continue until you get caught. You don't want to let it go. Then it will be ten times worse.

Other guy likes the sex without commitment. This will only end in heartache for everyone.

Trulyme · 13/05/2024 11:06

Firstly, stop having an affair.

Women do silly things when they have good sex and you cannot think straight until you stop having sex with him.

Then spend the next 2 months working on your marriage - going to marriage counselling, sex therapy, going to the gp etc and if nothing changes then end your marriage.

After you’ve ended your marriage stay single and then decide what you want, whether you want a relationship with this other man or not.

You think you have a choice right now but if your DH finds out or this OM finds someone new, then you won’t have that choice, so you need to sort it out asap.

Obviously what you are doing is vile and you should be ashamed of yourself but that’s not going to stop your of help you.

How would you feel if your DH found out and kicked you out?

Would you feel sad that the marriage is over it relieved that you can continue having sex guilt free?

isotiredtoday · 13/05/2024 13:15

Mariah24 · 12/05/2024 19:37

I’ll give it a try. 😂

🙋I can confirm the womanizer is a game changer ! My DH isnt the most ..... ummm exciting in the bedroom dept BUT he literally doesn't have the confidence and always had/has a low libido , he can make me orgasm and things are initiated by me 99% of the time , but having a affair is more than good sex as you say , must be something else missing to have your head turned 🤔

Starlight1979 · 13/05/2024 15:06

AnnieSF · 13/05/2024 03:57

You don't want to give up the sex but you don't want a relationship with this guy? How does that work? You do know that if he was in the bed with you every night the sex wouldn't be like that?

That's not technically true. I go to bed with DP every single night and we have amazing sex, fancy the pants off each other and turn each other on massively.

Having said that, I wasn't - and am not - having an affair so accept it's different circumstances. All I'm saying is that it is possible to have amazing sex with someone you've been with for a long time. Sometimes you're just more sexually compatible with someone. But I agree that you can't stay in a relationship with someone you no longer fancy and just go elsewhere for sex. That isn't fair. Clearly sex is important to you and I think you'll struggle to get that "spark" back with your DH (I've been there and tried and it just doesn't happen) so I think you need to do the decent thing and leave your DH. Whether it's for this OM or not.

Puppuccino · 13/05/2024 15:31

I'm not convinced anyone has amazing sex every single day, that's not possible surely? Or am I seriously missing something?😂

Like with home cooked dinners some are delicious, others are quick and easy

TinkerTiger · 13/05/2024 16:10

Fluffytoebeanz · 12/05/2024 18:22

Read this back as if a man was asking.
How would you feel if you were in your husband's/children's shoes

Reads like a man asking to me 😉