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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abuse or just a bad temper

91 replies

BeBrightViper · 12/05/2024 10:47

Partner of 11 years stopped his car on a country road and told my 16 year old ds to get the f**k out of his car as he had reacted badly to my ds joking with him about a previous drop off at his friends for a birthday party where my partner had refused to reverse on a private lane way and instead had made a few female drivers reverse the whole way down lane. This event was extremely embarrassing to be part of. Anyway he ordered ds out of car and I said if he has to get out I’m getting out too. He replied fine ! I got out and he drove off leaving me and ds on a country road with no footpath or lights. I’m struggling to get past this and to understand is it at a level that could be classed as abusive ?

OP posts:
slaggybumbum · 13/05/2024 03:37

He is an abusive bully.

Leave him.

TeaGinandFags · 13/05/2024 06:39

Classic abuse

Get rid

See a solicitor and get your ducks on a row. Or call women's aid. 💐

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 13/05/2024 06:42

Poor kid. 11 years of this arsehole.

what are you going to do now?

Chirawehaha · 13/05/2024 06:42

BeBrightViper · 12/05/2024 12:10

I don’t think my ds has a great relationship with him in the 11 years we’ve been together I don’t feel they have bonded and I can’t blame my ds as he was just a kid when we met it was up to my partner to try to be a father figure rather than just an authoritarian. My kids are to my ex husband not my partner. My eldest dd moved out after uni as she hated the atmosphere after the arguments which could be over something silly like how the dishwasher was loaded but hadn’t been turned on. I find him very negative in his outlook on life he has told me he struggles to feel empathy which I find quite concerning.

Show quote history

So, why are you with him?

gotmychristmasmiracle · 13/05/2024 06:43

That's terrible, I couldn't forgive that!

Nottherealslimshady · 13/05/2024 06:47

He's putting your child in danger to punish you.
Your child is sat in the back of a speeding car, scared, watching his mother do nothing to protect him.

Honestly what are you playing at? Why are you allowing someone to keep threatening your child like this?

You'll be lucky if your kid wants anything to do with you once they move out.

Boating123 · 13/05/2024 06:47

I wouldn't want to be with someone like that and would try to leave.

However, with the road incident I reckon you were probably safer getting out and walking the short distance back, rather than staying in the car with someone who is in a rage.

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 13/05/2024 06:52

Eleven years your children have put up with this man’s raging and abuse. Your daughter already moved out because of it.

Please OP, put your children first. It’s long, long overdue.

qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty · 13/05/2024 06:55

BeBrightViper · 12/05/2024 11:13

Thank you for your responses I was totally blindsided when it happened so I walked my ds the rest of the way to the house where party was at which was just a few mins from where we had been kicked out of car, understandably he was upset as was I. I was in full on panic mode I should have rang a family member to come and get me but I rang my partner instead and said are you coming back for me or what ? He came back then drove us both home in silence at a frightening speed but I knew better than to ask him to slow down as in the past we have had many arguments in the car where I’ve asked him to slow down and he has then reacted badly and tells me I’m criticising his driving. He refused to apologize and it was basically brushed under the carpet. There have been other examples of his behaviour being uncalled for. The night my dad was put on end of life care he showed so little empathy to myself or my ds he told my youngest sibling to man up when she expressed fear at going into dads hospital room as she was afraid she couldn’t cope with seeing him so near the end. Same night he was angry as he couldn’t find his car in car park and then shouted at me to get my phone out on way home for directions as he hadn’t been in area previously.

This post describes an abusive relationship.

Please leave and stop exposing your child to this treatment.

Kicked out of the car
Silent treatment
Speeding
Scared to raise your concern about speeding
Shouting

He is not a good partner.

qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty · 13/05/2024 06:57

My eldest dd moved out after uni as she hated the atmosphere after the arguments which could be over something silly like how the dishwasher was loaded but hadn’t been turned on.
This is very sad. Please try to leave so that your DS doesn't have to.

thismummydrinksgin · 13/05/2024 07:15

Are you on egg shells round him? He doesn't sound like he's making your life easier - but we don't know everything . Do you love him?

AgentJohnson · 13/05/2024 07:49

I’m sorry your children have had to put up with this arsehole, I hope their mother stops prioritising her relationship over her children.

AgentJohnson · 13/05/2024 07:51

This should be a wake up call unlike all the other acts of twatery this man has displayed.

mrsdineen2 · 13/05/2024 08:00

He forces your daughter out of her house, but it only becomes an issue when it directly affects you?

Words fail me.

Startingagainandagain · 13/05/2024 08:20

It sounds like there is a backstory of previous bad temper/anger and this is only the latest incident...

His behaviour is abusive.

Unacceptable to leave you both like this in the middle of nowhere and then drive dangerously fast after picking you up.

This was a real threat to your and your kid's safety.

Put yourself and your kids first: leave that prick and fast.

My father was like this, immature, always angry and moody. Shouting and raving for no reason and could not cope with normal child behaviour. It escalated to physical violence and my mother did nothing. Don't be that person who allow their kids to live with an abusive man.

ByUmberViewer · 13/05/2024 08:29

Do you drive OP? I'm just wondering why you're asking your husband to drive your son around?

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 13/05/2024 08:44

What @Startingagainandagain says.

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/05/2024 08:51

Why are you putting this man above your own children? Your daughter had to move out because of him. Your son will obviously get out as soon as he can. Why are you doing this? Surely you can see that he's a really nasty man.

cerisepanther73 · 13/05/2024 08:54

@BeBrightViper

Oh my god 😳

So he leaves you both at a lonely country lane 🤔 just like that,

Doesn't give a flying fuck about both your safety ...

What a total Arsehole he really is

Just the fact you have asked that question on your mumsnet thread

Is your Primeval instinct your intuition is shouting out to you to listen to its message,

This guy does not care about you really,

and i bet you were vunerable when you first met him

You could do so much better for yourself than this one

Find a way to ditch him for good

Your future self and your son's will be thankful for that....

Look forward to a lot stress free living environment ect too..

Ladyj84 · 13/05/2024 08:58

All I can say is if my hubby ever spoke to me or our children like any of that I wouldn't stay with him neither would I expect him to stay if I did. And from what you say many various things have happened yet you've stayed allowing your children around it which boggles me

UrbanFan · 13/05/2024 09:07

Can I ask why you haven't left him or chucked him out. Why are you in this relationship?

steamingbeet · 06/06/2024 11:18

He said he was getting his things, and removed some slats from the bed hoping I’d fall through when I went to bed. He hid the remote so I couldn’t watch tv, he took my phone charger etc. just being as inconvenient as possible.

this is profoundly disturbing

differentnameforthis · 06/06/2024 12:00

In the gentlest possible way, op... why are you putting your partner over your kids?

Your daughter left because of "atmosphere" & it sounds like he never bothered to try with your son.

My step dad was lovely, because as the adult HE made the effort to bond ... this guy sounds horrible and it's affecting your children.

itsmylife7 · 06/06/2024 12:06

I think you're asking this question 11years too late OP.

So one child left home due to this man and your poor son has to continue to live with him and his awful behaviour.

I'd imagine your son will be leaving home as soon as he can.

FunkyMonks · 06/06/2024 12:07

Please tell me OP you have finally kicked this piece of shit out of your home and life for good.
Defiantly not on I too would have been embarrassed by his behaviour it also sounds like he has a disdain for women and feels he is more superior.
Defiantly bully boy syndrome going on there the way he treats you and your DS.