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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend can't finish - am I overthinking?

70 replies

inkeyblackberry · 11/05/2024 21:32

I have been seeing my current boyfriend since November. We don't live in the same city but we met when he was up visiting a mutual friend. We spent a lot of the week he was up talking and getting to know each other with the encouragement of our mutual friend but never spent the night together as he was staying with my friend and we didn't want to take things too quickly. When he left we agreed to give things a go even though it would be exclusively long distance for the first few months because of other commitments.

We spent the next few months texting every day and calling as often as we both could and it all felt really lovely. The next time we met in person was the beginning of March when he came up to stay for a week. This time he asked if it would be ok to stay at mine. I was very happy that he suggested this. On the first night he was here we had sex for the first time. He was very respectful it was overall very positive, but I noticed he never finished which made me worry it wasn't so good for him. I did't mention it to him at the time because I didn't want to make him uncomfortable, but the next day when we had sex again the same happened. I think he could tell I was slightly worried so he told me that he'd never been able to finish from sex and that it didn't stop him from enjoying it.

I really appreciate him telling me that but I've never come across this before in someone and can't tell if that's just something he's saying because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I asked one of my friends that he doesn't know what it means if someone can't finish and they confidently told me it's usually because they're not attracted to their partner. Since this conversation I've been overthinking this quite a lot but didn't want to talk to too many people I know about it because I don't want to embarrass him.

So, was just looking for some advice, reassurance or just any thoughts anyone might have on my situation.

OP posts:
Twilight7777 · 11/05/2024 21:34

are they an alcoholic? Know someone who had that problem from drink.

inkeyblackberry · 11/05/2024 21:36

Twilight7777 · 11/05/2024 21:34

are they an alcoholic? Know someone who had that problem from drink.

No history of being an alcoholic and he drinks quite little so don't think this is the reason

OP posts:
LauderSyme · 11/05/2024 21:37

Your 'friend' frankly has no idea what they are talking about. What they said is not true.

You need to take your bf's word for what is going on with his penis and his mind over the 'advice' of some random person.

Elephantswillnever · 11/05/2024 21:40

Some men don’t orgasm necessarily. Some women don’t either, it doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy it, it just doesn’t always need to be a race to the finish line.

If he didn’t find you attractive he wouldn’t have an erection. If you’re still stressed ask what works for him oral/ finishing by hand etc.

Its much better to have a chat than worry.

LauderSyme · 11/05/2024 21:40

It sounds like it is still very early days in your sexual relationship. It would not be considered unusual for a woman not to orgasm until she felt very safe and comfortable with her partner.

Marghogeth · 11/05/2024 21:40

Porn death grip

OhShitImNearly40 · 11/05/2024 21:43

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OhShitImNearly40 · 11/05/2024 21:44

Oh and OP, yes don't worry about it asking as you're enjoying it and he's keen it doesn't matter.

VioletW · 11/05/2024 21:44

Hmm. This happened to me recently OP.

Sex many times but not cumming. Once during conversation he mentioned an ex used to be angry when he came fast. I thought this seemed odd as the opposite problem was true.

It turned out he was stopping himself from ejaculating so he could please me for longer. Now since I've told him he can cum he goes for it. Is that at all possible? It took months for him to admit that get comfortable cumming

If he's never cum from sex that's different. I knew if it never happened it would've been a big issue for me psychologically.

TheLush · 11/05/2024 21:44

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inkeyblackberry · 11/05/2024 21:47

VioletW · 11/05/2024 21:44

Hmm. This happened to me recently OP.

Sex many times but not cumming. Once during conversation he mentioned an ex used to be angry when he came fast. I thought this seemed odd as the opposite problem was true.

It turned out he was stopping himself from ejaculating so he could please me for longer. Now since I've told him he can cum he goes for it. Is that at all possible? It took months for him to admit that get comfortable cumming

If he's never cum from sex that's different. I knew if it never happened it would've been a big issue for me psychologically.

Hmm I'm not sure. He did say that he'd never been able to before with any partner so I don't think it's a case of holding back. I really want to be ok with it but I just can't stop thinking it's my fault somehow.

OP posts:
inkeyblackberry · 11/05/2024 21:48

OhShitImNearly40 · 11/05/2024 21:44

Oh and OP, yes don't worry about it asking as you're enjoying it and he's keen it doesn't matter.

Thank you! I think my main worry is that he isn't enjoying it and is only saying he is to make me happy. This might be an overthinking moment from me though!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/05/2024 21:51

OhShitImNearly40 · 11/05/2024 21:44

Oh and OP, yes don't worry about it asking as you're enjoying it and he's keen it doesn't matter.

It can very much matter. The female in this situation quite often gets very confused and anxious over this, and it can massively impact their self-esteem and self-image. The man not being able to ejaculate very much matters if they want to have children in the future.

Any kind of sexual dysfunction in a relationship is a very big deal when at least one of the partners wants an active sex life. Op, you simply may not be sexually compatible with this man, and regardless of how much you like him, this issue may become insurmountable if you want a normal, healthy, and mutually enjoyable sex life.

theurbanpigeon · 11/05/2024 23:23

It sounds like you are definitely blaming yourself where it's not necessary (I won't say overthinking because I definitely appreciate this kind of thing is stressful)!

He's explicitly told you it's not you and it's an issue he's had for a while - you've got to take that at face value and trust he's being honest with you, or there's no grounds for a relationship here (especially long distance).

There could be all sorts of things going on here - as PP said, he might be on antidepressants (also might explain low alcohol intake), for example. Are you using condoms as well - that could have an impact?

But particularly if (as it sounds?) he's able to get it up and you are enjoying it, and he says he's enjoying it, I'd try not to stress too much.

When I first met my partner he struggled to get it up/finish and generally had a lower sex drive; as we got closer and our relationship improved it got a lot better! Keep an open dialogue and don’t blame yourself - if he's right for you youl work it out. Smile

Deathbyfluffy · 11/05/2024 23:25

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AliceCallous · 11/05/2024 23:32

It's completely normal. I've dated a couple of men who find it difficult or impossible to finish from penetration. It genuinely is nothing to do with how attractive they find you or how good the sex is, the same as it isn't for the huge percentage of women who don't finish from penetration. We're all different and what works for one person won't work for everyone else.

It's no bad thing in my experience. Yeah, it's nice to have that experience of the guy finishing, but personally I find those men who can last indefinitely are really good in bed because they're not focused primarily on their orgasm and they can take as long as you need. Often they can go again fairly quickly as well.

Chill out and enjoy it is my advice.

May2024 · 11/05/2024 23:34

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Ooooo interesting, and how many men have you had sex with to know this is shit?

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 11/05/2024 23:36

I had a partner like this once. He had some sexual trauma in his past.

Naunet · 12/05/2024 09:16

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How bloody rude! Just because you don’t like it, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Many men have spoken about it, why shut down their voices just because it hits a nerve with you?

Cocopogo · 12/05/2024 09:25

I would wonder about cannabis or other drug use, anti depressants or porn addiction. Either way it would put me right off. But I’d just ask him outright and wouldn’t accept that this is just the way it’s always been. Presumably he used condoms so maybe he’s got the wrong brand!

JamSandle · 12/05/2024 09:27

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To be fair, it is a really thing.

JamSandle · 12/05/2024 09:27

*real

GentlemanJohnny · 12/05/2024 09:33

If a bloke can comment. (1) Your friend is talking out of her arse. (2) All men experience this from time to time. What the causes are I don't know. It seems to happen totally randomly (experto crede). (3) With some men it happens (or rather doesn't happen) every time.

Don't read too much into this is what I suppose I am saying.

That and your friend is an idiot.

Walkden · 12/05/2024 09:33

Antidepressants are notorious for causing anorgasmia.

If he is on them or has been in the last few years this could cause it.

Could be nerves or having to get used to each other

It maybe that he is used to too much pressure when masturbating, the so called death grip, but this can be improved
this is similar to women who get to used to the stimulation from overuse of powerful vibrators ...

GentlemanJohnny · 12/05/2024 09:35

Marghogeth · 11/05/2024 21:40

Porn death grip

As the owner of a penis, this has about as much existence in real life as unicorns and the yeti.