Boyfriend can't finish - am I overthinking?

[inkeyblackberry]

I have been seeing my current boyfriend since November. We don't live in the same city but we met when he was up visiting a mutual friend. We spent a lot of the week he was up talking and getting to know each other with the encouragement of our mutual friend but never spent the night together as he was staying with my friend and we didn't want to take things too quickly. When he left we agreed to give things a go even though it would be exclusively long distance for the first few months because of other commitments.

We spent the next few months texting every day and calling as often as we both could and it all felt really lovely. The next time we met in person was the beginning of March when he came up to stay for a week. This time he asked if it would be ok to stay at mine. I was very happy that he suggested this. On the first night he was here we had sex for the first time. He was very respectful it was overall very positive, but I noticed he never finished which made me worry it wasn't so good for him. I did't mention it to him at the time because I didn't want to make him uncomfortable, but the next day when we had sex again the same happened. I think he could tell I was slightly worried so he told me that he'd never been able to finish from sex and that it didn't stop him from enjoying it.

I really appreciate him telling me that but I've never come across this before in someone and can't tell if that's just something he's saying because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I asked one of my friends that he doesn't know what it means if someone can't finish and they confidently told me it's usually because they're not attracted to their partner. Since this conversation I've been overthinking this quite a lot but didn't want to talk to too many people I know about it because I don't want to embarrass him.

So, was just looking for some advice, reassurance or just any thoughts anyone might have on my situation.

This is very reassuring, thanks:) It hadn't really occurred to me that it was me either until me until my male friend said that's why it was. I didn't realise it happened to so many other people

My DH struggles to finish - always has. We've been together for 16 years and he definitely fancies me.

@inkeyblackberry is it just sex he can’t cum from? Or anything? I was with someone and he couldn’t cum from sex but could using my hands/mouth etc it was just penetrative sex he struggled with. Just edited to say I felt exactly the same the first time I had sex and then just asked him was it not good for him and then he told me, that no it wasn’t me and it happens a lot. So we would have sex and then he finished it other ways.

Absolutely. I've got second hand embarrassment for those on here telling the men they're wrong because they haven't had sex with men 🤦🏻‍♀️the fact that they literally are men apparently isn't enough

@Sux2buthen if you can't see the fact that the men on here seem to be adamantly denying it's even a possibility or that death grip even exists (maybe they don't have google) that is the red flag.

Everyone else is trying to help the op with an explanation so the op doesn't feel shit that somehow it's her fault.

I've had sex with guys who haven't/couldn't finish and for me personally it spoilt the sex.
I wasn't confident enough to ask them about it, so instead I finished the relationship because in my case it was affecting my self esteem. I doubt it was death grip in my case, but as I didn't ask I'll never know so it could be a possibility, just like all the other explanations on this thread. The men on here denying that possibility are idiots, they don't know, no one does until op asks her bloke and hopefully gets an honest answer/explanation.

I agree, I think it's impossible to comment on how someone else experiences sex just because you share the same anatomy.

I am going to be seeing him next week and think it might be worth raising again with him but I also don't want him to think that I didn't believe what he told me the first time or that it has annoyed me in any way.

I don't know how old he is, but if he's never orgasmed from sex (but can through masturbation) then I'd be questioning why he's so accepting of that.
Maybe it's a very simple explanation, nerves/lack of experience etc but it's unusual and so I'd be curious about what he thinks a good sex life consists of and I'd expect him to be sad that he wasn't able to orgasm and want to work on changing that.
But I'd probably only be interested if I considered him a potential long-term partner. He needs to take responsibility for this not you. Even if that is telling you what he likes etc.

He's in his mid 20s and I can, more so than any relationship I've had before, see it being long term. Partly why I'm so in my head about it all and whether this is an indication he isn't attracted to me. But that may just be a case of low self esteem on my part!

Quite frankly if someone suggested that my inability to orgasm through penetration was something I should feel sorry about, and should be working on, that's the last bit of sexual contact they'd get from me.

HOWEVER, also I would be completely sexually incompatible with a man who found my inability to orgasm through penetration a reflection on his sexual attractiveness and we'd have to split up, no hard feelings.

And if I was with a man who didn't enjoy oral, also incompatible and no fault on either side.

You don't have to change what you like and neither does he. Sometimes it's not meant to be.

I was talking to a guy the same age who had the same problem (hopefully not the same one 😁).

We never (haven’t yet) had sex but he said he thinks it’s down to nerves but that he gets hard quickly and enjoys himself during sex.

He said that he finishes himself off afterwards and that girls sometimes get offended because of it.

I know he watches a lot of porn and masturbates quite a lot and so I don’t know if this is part of the reason.

My plan was to finish him off with my hand/mouth afterwards.

We spoke about it because he was embarrassed by it I think and wanted to give me a heads up and I said what a nice change it would be etc because most guys are the opposite.

I would speak to him and say that you noticed he didn’t cum and if there’s anything that you can do to help him finish off next time.
Make it flirty and not too deep.

Could be anything fear of getting someone he just met pregnant. Secretly he's religious and thinks it doesn't count if he doesn't finish. I think your friend is abit cruel actually because it was the last thing I thought of not the first. Could also be performance anxiety I have it but as a female it matters less. We've found ways I'm comfortable relaxed and can perform. If he didn't like you or fancy you he wouldn't text. I mean another option is sexuality denial but My money is on performance anxiety and bringing it up won't help, it will make him worse so I would suggest not doing. He's probably lost a few relationships over this issue but I would give him time, find out what he likes be abit adventurous in the bedroom and see if it helps but ultimately if you've done all that and it's really affecting you, don't feel ashamed to walk away

So you've only had sex twice, is that right?

One ex of mine was incredibly nervous and it took us about 8 or 9 times before he was able to orgasm during sex. After that, it happened everytime.

Another ex was (at the risk of getting lynched) so used to masterbating with the tightest grip that nothing else compared. He freely admitted this. After two months of no masterbating whatsoever it was like a switch flipped and he was able to orgasm every time with me.

Just two examples, both of which had nothing to do with how attracted they were to me.

I have never suggested that he should feel sorry about it or that it is something he needs to work on. I have expressed explicitly that I don't want him to feel as though it is something I am annoyed by because it isn't and I'm not. The idea that it was down to his attraction to me was only ever based on a comment made by a friend so I don't think it has anything to do with being not meant to be especially since he said he has been the same with all partners in the past.

No, we've had sex about 10-15 times, it was just after the second time that he told me and still nothing since. But maybe it is just a case of being completely comfortable with someone which he hasn't been before. Appreciate you're advice!

Thank you! I definitely think performance anxiety is the most likely out of those as I know he isn't in any way religious and to my knowledge has never had any doubt about his sexuality. It's really helpful to see other peoples takes on this.

I was referring to a previous poster who was very clear that he should fix himself.

But yeah, your friend sounds a bit odd and whether you decide meh, not for me or lets see where this goes for a bit, this not at all likely to be about you.

ADHD meds can also lower sex drive so that could definitely be a factor. But uncontrolled ADHD can also make it harder to orgasm due to lack of concentration!!

So, when you have cum, he then stops?

If someone suggested to me, as a woman, that I should be sad if I couldn't orgasm through PIV and that was something I should work on changing and why was I so accepting of it, I would not be in the slightest bit interested in them as a partner.

Delayed ejaculation affects 8% of the population so whilst not common, its common enough to not be considered unusual

And if you think a good sex life can only consist of a man ejaculating inside a woman that's a fairly narrow view of sex

Never said he needs to fix himself.
I personally would want the person I was having a long-term sex life with to orgasam while we were having sex at some point.
Doesn't have to be PIV (I haven't ever said it should be), but say for example, he could only orgasam doing something I didn't like doing, or wouldn't do, then (for me) we wouldn't be compatible and it would be best to move on for both of us.
This is what I would do.
The OP can do what she likes, so can you, it was advice/my perspective, not a command.