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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend can't finish - am I overthinking?

70 replies

inkeyblackberry · 11/05/2024 21:32

I have been seeing my current boyfriend since November. We don't live in the same city but we met when he was up visiting a mutual friend. We spent a lot of the week he was up talking and getting to know each other with the encouragement of our mutual friend but never spent the night together as he was staying with my friend and we didn't want to take things too quickly. When he left we agreed to give things a go even though it would be exclusively long distance for the first few months because of other commitments.

We spent the next few months texting every day and calling as often as we both could and it all felt really lovely. The next time we met in person was the beginning of March when he came up to stay for a week. This time he asked if it would be ok to stay at mine. I was very happy that he suggested this. On the first night he was here we had sex for the first time. He was very respectful it was overall very positive, but I noticed he never finished which made me worry it wasn't so good for him. I did't mention it to him at the time because I didn't want to make him uncomfortable, but the next day when we had sex again the same happened. I think he could tell I was slightly worried so he told me that he'd never been able to finish from sex and that it didn't stop him from enjoying it.

I really appreciate him telling me that but I've never come across this before in someone and can't tell if that's just something he's saying because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I asked one of my friends that he doesn't know what it means if someone can't finish and they confidently told me it's usually because they're not attracted to their partner. Since this conversation I've been overthinking this quite a lot but didn't want to talk to too many people I know about it because I don't want to embarrass him.

So, was just looking for some advice, reassurance or just any thoughts anyone might have on my situation.

OP posts:
GentlemanJohnny · 12/05/2024 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This x 1000.

GentlemanJohnny · 12/05/2024 09:38

Naunet · 12/05/2024 09:16

How bloody rude! Just because you don’t like it, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Many men have spoken about it, why shut down their voices just because it hits a nerve with you?

It. Does. Not. Exist.

Who are these "many men who have spoken of it"?

May2024 · 12/05/2024 09:49

Naunet
How bloody rude! Just because you don’t like it, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Many men have spoken about it, why shut down their voices just because it hits a nerve with you?

It. Does. Not. Exist.

Who are these "many men who have spoken of it"?

_

Again I ask to the male posters who say Porn Death Grip doesn't exist - HOW MANY MEN HAVE YOU HAD SEX WITH or are you going in your experiences as one man?

Love a bit of mansplaining on mumnset, you know, where literally millions of women have actually had sex with men!!!

But Mark from Watford who has had sex with precisely NO MEN, has never had death grip so us wommanz must be making it up.

FFS never stops does it???

BobbyBiscuits · 12/05/2024 09:50

Your friend knows nothing. Why would they want to date you and sleep with you, but not find you attractive? How likely is that? Most men find any woman who wants sex attractive to an extent.
Some men take ages to finish, but they CBA to shag for that long or think the woman might get bored, so they never do or they don't even know how to anymore. Some can finish by hand. Some drugs and drinks affects it. Anxiety can play a part. But it's often something you can get round. It's the same with some women who struggle to come during penetrative sex. You find other ways.

Fs365 · 12/05/2024 10:14

but I noticed he never finished which made me worry it wasn't so good for him. I did't mention it to him at the time because I didn't want to make him uncomfortable, but the next day when we had sex again the same happened. I think he could tell I was slightly worried so he told me that he'd never been able to finish from sex and that it didn't stop him from enjoying it.

^^ he told you that he has never been able to finish from sex, why don’t you believe him ?

JumalanTerve · 12/05/2024 10:19

If a man found his female partner had trouble reaching orgasm during sex, and then the man's male friend confidently said that it's because she didn't find him attractive, you would quite rightly think the friend was talking nonsense. The same applies here

BananaBender · 12/05/2024 10:30

You’re overthinking it @inkeyblackberry . He might be taking antidepressants that can make it very difficult or impossible to orgasm. He might have low testosterone that can cause all sorts of erection, orgasm and sex drive problems. If he’s otherwise healthy I’d stop worrying about it and enjoy the sex. Help him to finish afterwards if he wants to. Maybe he’s just never discovered what will help him to orgasm from sex. Maybe he needs some other stimulation elsewhere apart from his penis. Explore his body with him. Have fun!

littlejo67 · 12/05/2024 10:33

I wouldn't worry about that. I would ask what he does to finish and then do that for him, maybe use a vibrator in/on him etc.

inkeyblackberry · 12/05/2024 11:34

Fs365 · 12/05/2024 10:14

but I noticed he never finished which made me worry it wasn't so good for him. I did't mention it to him at the time because I didn't want to make him uncomfortable, but the next day when we had sex again the same happened. I think he could tell I was slightly worried so he told me that he'd never been able to finish from sex and that it didn't stop him from enjoying it.

^^ he told you that he has never been able to finish from sex, why don’t you believe him ?

it isn't at all that I don't trust him, I just think that he would want to protect my feelings at the same time. but it seems to be more common than I had thought!

OP posts:
inkeyblackberry · 12/05/2024 11:36

JumalanTerve · 12/05/2024 10:19

If a man found his female partner had trouble reaching orgasm during sex, and then the man's male friend confidently said that it's because she didn't find him attractive, you would quite rightly think the friend was talking nonsense. The same applies here

This is true, but the friend I asked was a man so I thought it was slightly more credible but maybe that's just him!

OP posts:
overthinkersanonnymus · 12/05/2024 11:43

What the fuck is death grip?

PolarBearsCoverTheirNoses · 12/05/2024 11:49

overthinkersanonnymus · 12/05/2024 11:43

What the fuck is death grip?

Men who use more pressure from their hand while wanking, then real sex doesn’t quite hit the spot.

Many men dispute its existence because the fix requires less wanking, or less pleasurable wanking.

Many women report it is true from experience with their porn and wank loving partners.

SwordToFlamethrower · 12/05/2024 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Why are you a bloke on a forum for mums? Why don't you fuck off eh?

mitogoshi · 12/05/2024 12:00

Antidepressants can cause issues and also sometimes it's just one of those things, pills might help though.

DP can have issues and it's simply a mixture of antidepressants and age, not enthusiasm or me. There's far more to a relationship that just this

taleasoldashoney · 12/05/2024 12:02

Is he circumsised?

inkeyblackberry · 12/05/2024 12:04

mitogoshi · 12/05/2024 12:00

Antidepressants can cause issues and also sometimes it's just one of those things, pills might help though.

DP can have issues and it's simply a mixture of antidepressants and age, not enthusiasm or me. There's far more to a relationship that just this

He isn't on antidepressants but does take ADHD medication so unsure if that is linked.

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 12/05/2024 12:04

I’d not worry, there’s no ‘right and wrong’ way to have sex, everyone is a bit different.
if he didn’t like you he wouldn’t make the effort to see you.

BananaBender · 12/05/2024 12:26

taleasoldashoney · 12/05/2024 12:02

Is he circumsised?

Why?

@inkeyblackberry ADHD medications can affect sexual function. It can affect the ability to get and maintain an erection, and delay or prevent orgasm and ejaculation.

Walkden · 12/05/2024 12:27

"Why?"

Being circumcised reduces sensitivity.

taleasoldashoney · 12/05/2024 12:29

BananaBender · 12/05/2024 12:26

Why?

@inkeyblackberry ADHD medications can affect sexual function. It can affect the ability to get and maintain an erection, and delay or prevent orgasm and ejaculation.

Because there are some studies that show a link between being circumcised and delayed ejaculation

Fs365 · 12/05/2024 12:34

BananaBender · 12/05/2024 12:26

Why?

@inkeyblackberry ADHD medications can affect sexual function. It can affect the ability to get and maintain an erection, and delay or prevent orgasm and ejaculation.

Because the protection of the glans is removed, so the the skin on the glans can get thicker and reduced sensitivity therefore delaying male orgasm

sleepyhead · 12/05/2024 12:43

Dh doesn't generally come from penetration. We use condoms which doesn't help, but his preference is oral or hand at the end anyway.

Conceiving wasn't a problem because no condoms, and it's a preference not a rule.

I don't care because I also don't come from penetration so mixing it up is fine by me.

Maybe I have a healthy conceit of myself, but it never occured to me to think he didn't fancy me enough 😁

highlo · 12/05/2024 12:50

@inkeyblackberry
I've been quietly following this as it's very similar to my own situation but didn't have any advice.

My DP also has adhd and I've been wondering if that's a factor in my own situation! From what I've researched people with adhd can suffer from hyposexuality (others with adhd seem to get hyper sexuality - so they seem to go one extreme or the other).

Also explains losing interest half way through. I also wonder if my DP gets bored/distracted

RedHelenB · 12/05/2024 12:50

Tbf it may be womensplaining. They're the men who know what effect porn does or doesn't have on their orgasms.

DestroyEverythingYouTouch · 12/05/2024 15:47

PolarBearsCoverTheirNoses · 12/05/2024 11:49

Men who use more pressure from their hand while wanking, then real sex doesn’t quite hit the spot.

Many men dispute its existence because the fix requires less wanking, or less pleasurable wanking.

Many women report it is true from experience with their porn and wank loving partners.

This is nonsense. I'm a woman and I've always preferred more pressure. For example, oral sex has never resulted in an orgasm for me. There's nothing wrong with me and I don't need to train myself to finish that way.

We're all different and like different things. Men included. If they prefer more pressure, that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them. Maybe they're circimsised, maybe they're naturally less sensitive, hell who cares if they just prefer a hand job? Does it really matter?