Husband guaranteed his friends mortgage so I want to separate.

[HoveactuallyBrighton]

Exactly what the thread title says.
Our home's at risk if his friend can't pay the mortgage.

What happens to the mortgage guarantee when we separate?

I think the issue here is that he has pushed her out of work and refused point blank to add her to the deeds of the house because she doesn't earn enough.

Then decided she will make a friend a property owner and act as guarantor for the friend's mortgage. Something he couldn't do for his own wife. I can definitely see why she feels less valued. Why wouldn't she want to know where she would stand if* they were to split up given he's made financial decisions which could potentially affect all of them.

Usually people can't go guarantor unless they have had independs legal advice and signed a document stating they have had this advice.

I'd seek legal advice yourself about the implications

Chicky. Please leave this conversation.
I'm not trying to make money out of this.
I'm very upset and feel worthless.

He's helping a friend but won't even take the children to the playground at the weekend cos he doesn't want to.

Are you for real? He’s only been able to earn the money because she has looked after his kids.

Your misogyny is disgusting.

Your instinct to divorce him is right.

Do you have a solicitor?

Don’t let H tell you how much you’re entitled to.

Do your own property valuation. Does he have a pension?

You cheeky fucker! How has giving birth to his children and raising them for a decade contributing "zero"?? He made her give up a relatively well paid job to have his children. Leaving her vulnerable. You are deluded if you cannot see this for what it is!!!

Tell me, do you see all SAHP's as "contributing zero"?

Do you see contributions as solely being financial?

You don't think following the law of the country you reside in is fair?

They are married. A marriage contract is an agreement to throw all the finances into a joint pot. Whoever's name they're in. Whenever they were bought/acquired/saved. That's the law, so yes it's fair. The OP is entitled to some equity from the house upon divorce. What was she supposed to do with the children he wanted when she discovered all the childcare costs were on her and he wanted her to give up work? Turn them over to the state? Walk out on him and their children so she could maintain a career? Shove her newborn back up her chuff and pretend it never existed? Don't make out she's a money grabber. Her career is in the gutter - because of him. Why shouldn't she claim what she's legally entitled to from the marriage?

She has decided to split, partly for this reason but I'm going to assume there may be other reasons too, although if she thinks this (massive) reason is enough then it is. She doesn't have to justify her decision to divorce to anyone else and get their agreement. Of course a person who has decided to divorce is going to want to start working out what she's entitled to, it's the natural next step so she can plan her future.

Sorry, I suppose I have a skewed perspective. I am so used to being the provider that the very thought of a man providing anything, in any circumstances, babies or not, has me on my knees with gratitude. I'm delighted that other women have more positive experiences and are confident of their value.

Thank you for sticking up for me. Is this like the story of the frog who doesn't realise its being cooked cos it's used to the water - does that make sense?

I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight. I'll tell him I fell asleep watching tv.

If he hadn't guaranteed the mortgage would you still want to be married to him. That's what you need to ask yourself, sounds like has been the final straw for you?

Are you from the traveler community?

@ChickyBricky I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time, I understand why you'd prefer to be financially independent.

The boiled frog analogy is usually applied to insidious situations such as abusive relationship whereby abuse starts small and goes unnoticed by someone with poor boundaries or who is gaslit into believing they're in the wrong or at least into doubting themselves that they're in the right. Then more and more happens until they're tolerating things they never would have dreamed in a million years they'd tolerate, because their head is so messed up and their thought processes skewed by the abuser. You haven't provided enough information about your relationship to say whether this applies in your case, although it often does when a person finds themselves being treated like shite.

OP you've got a ton of mysogynists on this thread and spending time defending yourself instead of getting the advice you need. I recommend name changing (so they can't follow you) and posting in relationship or divorce forum on MN or both, where you'll get better advice. Half the people in chat forum section just want to gossip about things and, well, chat - they're not actually interested in helping you.

I'm not a traveller.
This is opening my eyes to inequality he wants.

How do I move my thread?

You can report your own post and ask MNHQ to move it, but that means you'll still have all the same people on it because it'll be in their "I'm on" or "watching" feeds. Your best bet to lose the tossers is to start a new thread under a new name. You could always add a link to this thread in the OP if you wanted to give people more background.

Yes, I think you have missed that this was not a joint decision and is in fact a joint risk. The husband has shut her down with no further way forward or compromise.

It’s not “his” equity, but theirs by law, as they are married. It’s the same for debt.
She hasn’t made “zero contribution” as unpaid work counts toward the equity build up as if she was employed. That’s not just my personal opinion but recognised under the law.

If she has stayed at home to raise their joint kids, she indirectly contributed to the equity build up by providing free childcare, housekeeping and the ability of the husband to build up his pension over time while sacrificing her own. She did this as an investment for the future in the expectation that when they retired, they would both be mortgage free and provided for.

So since the husband would prefer to sacrifice his marriage to help out a friend than give his wife a say in how their equity is treated (given the bank has already refused the loan), then she subsequently does have to attend to the practical and financial matters of the split, doesn’t she?

I'd be seeing a solicitor on Monday morning. If you're married it makes no difference if you're on the deeds or not if you divorce after being married for over 5 years. Your DH had no right to do this behind your back.

I'm sorry if I've misread the situation,but it sounded to me rather as though OP, not her husband, is the one who's keen to sacrifice the marriage. Which is fine if there is some kind of crap going on in the background, but just to be angry that he's helped out a friend with his own equity (yes yes, I get it about married entitlement, but what about fair play?), and then to ask on here how much she's entitled to claim, it just doesn't sound like a loving relationship to me.

You really shouldn't let him dictate what you can and can't do. You are an equal partner in this marriage.

I agree it doesn’t. A marriage in which a friend is put first rather than your own spouse does not bode well.

She obviously doesn’t have the same risk tolerance for debt and shouldn’t be forced into taking this risk because she trusted her husband not to put her name on the deeds a several years ago.

Its not a respectful way to be treated.

If it’s in his name and you aren’t contributing to the payments, separating from him in order to access the equity without considering your ability to meet your own obligations might be a blunder. If you currently have no investment in the house, staying won’t increase or reduce your liability. His friend is accessing the same kindness and care from him that you are. He’s the same person you married. There’s mo reason to be jealous when he is equally supportive of others in his life.

This is not a partnership
Your DH is treating you with contempt j
There is no kindness and care towards you or DC
He is prioritising a friend over you!
I'd be incandescent and inconsolable In equal measures
You're right to leave him
You need legal advice on the guarantor situation to see how it may impact on you in addition to divorce

Have I missed something?

Over 200 years of feminism, apparently, and most of the legal and ethical implications of this particular situation.