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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend seems upset that I went away on holiday to see my son who is studying abroad

85 replies

PeachLion · 10/05/2024 21:23

I have been divorced for 5 years and have a son who has been studying in Montreal since August. I hadn't seen him since he left and I have just spent the most amazing holiday with him here in Canada.
The only problem is that my boyfriend (I don't live with him but we have been together for 5 years) seems really upset that I have been away without him. He hasn't said it directly but every time I ring him he seems cold, almost angry. Almost like he is jealous that I'm here with my son. He couldn't afford to come and had to stay with his daughters (who aren't very nice to me !) He never took any interest in my trip before I left, but he doesn't seem to be happy for me, unlike all my friends and family.
I'm a bit worried about going back home to be honest!
I just needed a bit of advice... Is this normal behaviour?

OP posts:
Xenoi24 · 11/05/2024 10:57

You are in another abusive relationship.

chdjdjdnfn · 11/05/2024 11:08

No this isn't normal behaviour. He is being controlling and selfish. I went away last year to visit a friend who has emigrated, hadn't seen her for 5 years, I had a great time and DH was great, very supportive of me going and took care of everything at home (we have 2 DC) with no complaints. I would do the same if it was him wanting to go. That's what happens in a healthy relationship

AnotherEmma · 11/05/2024 11:11

Dump him and do the Freedom Programme.

TheMuskratOfDestiny · 11/05/2024 11:15

Aaaand dump op

SleepingStandingUp · 11/05/2024 11:20

I think you've outgrown the relationship. Maybe you needed someone "nice" who'd smother you with attention when you got out of your bad marriage,but you don't need someone who resents your growing confidence, who's possessive and manipulative. Personally I'd use this as the trigger to be on your own. You've gone from one relationship to the next. Now's the time to take some time alone to fully stretch your wings

Mischmasch · 11/05/2024 11:21

he says I abandoned him for two weeks

How old is he, 12? My DH works abroad and he’s regularly away for over a month at a time, more than once a year. I also go away when he’s at home. It’s never a problem. Oh, OP, I’m sorry but this man sounds like a selfish, petulant idiot.

XMissPlacedX · 11/05/2024 11:24

Read the thread 'top places exH sulked' that's going on at the moment, this sounds like is what you've got to look forward to in the future. Bloody man child

PurpleReindeer2 · 11/05/2024 11:30

OP you deserve much better than this needy man. He is a drain on your emotions and I imagine he is controlling in other ways. Move on and your life will be much better without the stress that he brings.

LizzieBennett73 · 11/05/2024 11:30

My friend left a horribly abusive relationship after years of people trying to persuade her to. And truthfully I think she only did because SS got involved when neighbours reported the children being distressed. If they hadn't, I think she'd still be there. He was financially, emotionally and physically abusive to her.

When she met her now husband, she was so overwhelmed that he didn't hit her that she immediately classed him as a decent man. And he's so far from it it's untrue, and I now keep a healthy distance. He's horribly controlling about what she wears, what she does, yet she just doesn't see that as abuse because sadly her benchmark is so very low.

You should be SO proud of yourself, you can be independent and you've just shown that. I would consider myself confident but there's no way I'd ever travel alone like you've just done. Maybe it's now time for you to step out of men's shadows and stand basking in your own light.... because you have that in spades.

Toastiecroissant · 11/05/2024 11:38

It’s another abusive relationship.

but also it’s not very nice to talk about what I presume are children in the way you are, if they are cruel and manipulative already that is because they have been parented poorly, or it suits him to paint that picture of them. don’t be sucked in to seeing other people, especially other women and children as the problem when it is him.

enjoy the rest of your trip and then walk away from this man when you get back.

Xenoi24 · 11/05/2024 11:42

he saysI abandoned him for two weeks

He's mentally ill.

IdaPolly · 11/05/2024 11:42

No it's not normal. It's a bad sign.

Spirallingdownwards · 11/05/2024 11:45

If he was "normal" his message would be I missed you loads, can't wait to see you and we have lots to catch up on.

Instead you got you abandoned ME and I need to catch up on sleep. Cue : punishment by refusing to see you because he "needs" to catch up on sleep and expecting you to apologise, grovel and make it up to him.

Seriously bin him off. Tell him the time apart has made you realise you actually don't need to be beholden to him and his demands.

Original poster
PeachLion · 11/05/2024 12:09

KomproMatilda · 11/05/2024 07:49

Were you an affair partner first? That would be a justifiable reason for them to hate you.

Anyway. Two weeks? Only two weeks away? How ridiculous of him to try to make you feel bad about that.

I couldn’t bear to feel so restricted by another person …

He was separated from his ex wife but not divorced

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachLion · 11/05/2024 12:11

NerrSnerr · 11/05/2024 06:10

I'm guessing that the OP means that he has to stay to care for his daughters because they're still children, not stay at their houses.

They are 18 and 20 years old

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachLion · 11/05/2024 12:23

bunnypenny · 10/05/2024 21:40

Off topic but is it McGill? I had the best year of my life there if so, and Montreal is an amazing city

University of Montreal - and yes it's an amazing place. I loved it there!

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachLion · 11/05/2024 12:27

Spirallingdownwards · 11/05/2024 11:45

If he was "normal" his message would be I missed you loads, can't wait to see you and we have lots to catch up on.

Instead you got you abandoned ME and I need to catch up on sleep. Cue : punishment by refusing to see you because he "needs" to catch up on sleep and expecting you to apologise, grovel and make it up to him.

Seriously bin him off. Tell him the time apart has made you realise you actually don't need to be beholden to him and his demands.

Edited

To be honest he hasn't really asked about what I have been doing since I have been away. He says he doesn't like communicating through messages. But that was the only way to do it because he wasn't very pleasant on the phone....

Anyway, having read through all your messages it has really helped me.
I have felt this for a while, especially when I'm with my youngest son. Like he's jealous of him because I spend time with my son instead of him..
There certainly have been a lot of red flags.
Thank you all for your advice.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 11/05/2024 12:27

I'd tell him that this time apart has given you the necessary space to reflect on what you want in the future.

XMissPlacedX · 11/05/2024 12:30

If you see him again now you may be sucked back into a relationship with him. Do what pp below has said and send him a message saying ' i have had time to reflect and want to end the relationship, no discussions needed, we are just not right for each other '

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/05/2024 12:33

There’s another thread running where a woman has put her partner ahead of her children for 12 years.

No, jealousy over a child is far from normal. Don’t become that poster in 12 years time.

Fathomless · 11/05/2024 12:35

Sparkletastic · 11/05/2024 12:27

I'd tell him that this time apart has given you the necessary space to reflect on what you want in the future.

Yes,this. it's the truth. He sounds awful.

I'm glad you had a fantastic time with your son

Irridescantshimmmer · 11/05/2024 12:51

He's as jealous as sin, and he he's a selfish tw@t for sulking over it.

I'm glad you had a very nice time with your son in Montreal it's just as shame that his lordship can't be happy for you.

Newestname002 · 11/05/2024 13:47

@PeachLion

Anyway, having read through all your messages it has really helped me. I have felt this for a while, especially when I'm with my youngest son. Like he's jealous of him because I spend time with my son instead of him.. There certainly have been a lot of red flags.^ Thank you all for your advice.^

It sounds as if this time away from your boyfriend, plus the responses you're receiving here, is giving you clarity about the unsatisfactory, unsupportive and rather selfish behaviour he's sending in your direction.

I hope you're able to tell him that you think the relationship has come to an end and that you wish him well for the future.

Does he have keys to your home? If so, change your locks before you tell him - don't rely on him returning any keys he has. Also tell him by phone or in a public place, rather than your home. Stay safe OP. 🌹

Getonwitit · 11/05/2024 14:38

Why on earth are you wasting your life with this manchild, dump him and leave him with his rude children. You deserve better, why are you settling for pathetic ?