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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend seems upset that I went away on holiday to see my son who is studying abroad

85 replies

PeachLion · 10/05/2024 21:23

I have been divorced for 5 years and have a son who has been studying in Montreal since August. I hadn't seen him since he left and I have just spent the most amazing holiday with him here in Canada.
The only problem is that my boyfriend (I don't live with him but we have been together for 5 years) seems really upset that I have been away without him. He hasn't said it directly but every time I ring him he seems cold, almost angry. Almost like he is jealous that I'm here with my son. He couldn't afford to come and had to stay with his daughters (who aren't very nice to me !) He never took any interest in my trip before I left, but he doesn't seem to be happy for me, unlike all my friends and family.
I'm a bit worried about going back home to be honest!
I just needed a bit of advice... Is this normal behaviour?

OP posts:
Savemydrink · 11/05/2024 05:34

No this is not normal behaviour and this won't be the end of it.

Once you return home he will continue the sulky behaviour and guilt you to the point you won't want to go again in case he repeats this awful selfish tantrum.

He is training you to be compliant, please don't let him do this to you.

Enjoy your trip OP and when you get back home LTB.

I rarely suggest LTB, but in this case the red flags are flying high.

SeagullSong · 11/05/2024 06:04

I am assuming OP meant her BF daughters are still young enough that he needs to be around for them, rather than going to stay with adult DD. He sounds like a prick in any case and I will add my voice to the chorus of "dump him" .

Scenicgirl · 11/05/2024 06:06

Your son comes first and always will, why can't he see that and be happy for you?
He is spoiling your precious time away.
He is a needy, spoilt, selfish man who can't even rustle up the funds to enjoy the trip with you.
You are not tied to him, you are an independent women who has been landed with a no-hoper, stop all contact whilst you are away, let him stew, enjoy being with your son and don't contact him when you return and wait to see what happens. He will be wetting himself 😂
You don't need this man in your life or his dreadful daughters who treat you like dirt - cut and run!

NerrSnerr · 11/05/2024 06:10

I'm guessing that the OP means that he has to stay to care for his daughters because they're still children, not stay at their houses.

PoppingTomorrow · 11/05/2024 06:11

frozendaisy · 10/05/2024 21:39

This sounds very much like a "his" problem
Don't make it yours

Keep contact to a minimum if you must

Deal with it when you get back because it's likely to still be here.

This.

Sulking is so unattractive.

KomproMatilda · 11/05/2024 06:33

Disappointing that the first poster to respond didn’t bother to read the OP properly. Bit distracting.

@PeachLion I can’t imagine a situation where I would be afraid to come back to the country I live in because of the hostile reaction of a boyfriend. It’s not on, at all. I don’t understand how you can be questioning whether this situation is normal or not - it clearly isn’t.

It’s a shame that this is where you are after five years in the relationship. If he had just been a bit miffed and sad about not being able to accompany you it might be understandable and manageable but anger is considerably more worrying. Is this the first time you’ve ’stepped out of line’ or has this sort of thing happened before?

And you don’t say how long you’ve been away? Although you don’t live together was there an element of expectation that you help to look after his daughters? I can well imagine he might be - unjustifiably - annoyed if he’s now forced to manage without your assistance. (But obviously I don’t know the facts of the matter.)

You don’t say why his daughters don’t like you - but it’s another reason why the relationship might not be destined to thrive.

Unless he can provide a a persuasive and reasonable cause for this behaviour I would not, in your shoes, want to resume the relationship once I returned.

Original poster
PeachLion · 11/05/2024 07:08

His youngest is sitting exams and I think that he feels guilty about leaving them (it would make him look bad for leaving - his daughters manipulate him )

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachLion · 11/05/2024 07:18

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I was on the plane home and I'm just catching up on all your advice.
It's a very long story.. I was previously in an abusive relationship and when my kids left home to study I finally picked up the courage to get out of that (after breast cancer too) My new boyfriend was a blessing, loving, caring . But when I do things on my own and show that I'm independent I get the feeling that he doesn't like it .
Before I left he said that I was abandoning him for two weeks. Everyone else has said how proud they are of me travelling alone, driving in a foreign country and exploring . I had such a wonderful time.
With his daughters it's complicated. They say I'm the reason that he split up from their mum and their mum pours oil on the fire regularly. That's why I don't live with him . We have weeks together when they are with their mum. But they're very good at making him feel guilty too!

OP posts:
Candleabra · 11/05/2024 07:18

I personally think he should be around whilst his kids are sitting exams. I don’t think it’s manipulative of his daughter (in this instance). But that is beside the point. It’s your holiday to see your son.

Original poster
PeachLion · 11/05/2024 07:21

I totally agree. I wasn't upset about him not being able to come. I understood that he wanted to be with his daughters at this time. And that gave me more time with my son, without having to share with my boyfriend (sounds mad but as I write I realise that he's very possessive!)

OP posts:
Noshferatu · 11/05/2024 07:22

I’m glad you don’t live with him because I think he wants to keep you small.
if my partner went off to Canada, alone, driving round, meeting new people, I’d be really proud of them!! Not cold and angry. Honestly he sounds as if he’s only nice when you behave yourself making his life nice and keeping him sweet.

Original poster
PeachLion · 11/05/2024 07:29

Candleabra · 11/05/2024 07:18

I personally think he should be around whilst his kids are sitting exams. I don’t think it’s manipulative of his daughter (in this instance). But that is beside the point. It’s your holiday to see your son.

Sorry just getting used to the site , I didn't quote you!

OP posts:
category12 · 11/05/2024 07:31

PeachLion · 11/05/2024 07:21

I totally agree. I wasn't upset about him not being able to come. I understood that he wanted to be with his daughters at this time. And that gave me more time with my son, without having to share with my boyfriend (sounds mad but as I write I realise that he's very possessive!)

There are some red flags here with his possessive nature.

It's quite common for people out of abusive relationships to go on to similar situations, (perhaps level 10 bastard to level 7 bastard). We're attracted to familiar patterns without consciously seeking it out.

Original poster
PeachLion · 11/05/2024 07:33

ladybirdsanchez · 10/05/2024 21:33

If he doesn't live with you, why has he had to stay with his DDs?

But yes, it is worrying behaviour. He sounds jealous and bitter that you've gone to see your DS and have been having a lovely time, which is not the behaviour of someone who loves you and wishes you well. I would take a long hard look at this relationship, if I were you, and decide if you want it to continue. Have there perhaps been other things that concern you about his behaviour, or is this the first time that you've shown a bit of independence? For instance, controlling people don't like it when their DP goes off and does something without them, particularly when they then have a jolly good time doing it. Do you think he's controlling?

I have mostly been concerned by his reaction to certain people around me, people who were close to me when I was with my previous partner.
He sometimes seems quite jealous too

OP posts:
2Old2Tango · 11/05/2024 07:40

Don't get sucked into another abusive relationship OP. This man is showing you who he is. If he can't be happy for you when you're doing anything independent of him then he is not worthy of you.

It sounds as though you didn't get much break in between ending your previous relationship and starting this one. Maybe take some time out from dating to enjoy being a strong independent woman and putting yourself first.

Original poster
PeachLion · 11/05/2024 07:43

Noshferatu · 11/05/2024 07:22

I’m glad you don’t live with him because I think he wants to keep you small.
if my partner went off to Canada, alone, driving round, meeting new people, I’d be really proud of them!! Not cold and angry. Honestly he sounds as if he’s only nice when you behave yourself making his life nice and keeping him sweet.

He has just sent me a message that he has slept badly while I have been away... That he has a lot of sleep to catch up on.
I would be so happy for him if he went away to see one of his kids.
Not telling him that I'm tired because he's not there!!

OP posts:
AnonyLonnymouse · 11/05/2024 07:44

I don’t think it’s manipulative for a girl (presumably a school-aged child?) to want her father around while sitting exams.

Your children are through that stage but they are pretty important!

Original poster
PeachLion · 11/05/2024 07:47

2Old2Tango · 11/05/2024 07:40

Don't get sucked into another abusive relationship OP. This man is showing you who he is. If he can't be happy for you when you're doing anything independent of him then he is not worthy of you.

It sounds as though you didn't get much break in between ending your previous relationship and starting this one. Maybe take some time out from dating to enjoy being a strong independent woman and putting yourself first.

Thank you.
Just sitting here writing is making me realise that I'm maybe not in a good relationship after all.
Thanks for your great advice

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 11/05/2024 07:49

I'm a bit worried about going back home to be honest!

Oh OP.... nobody should be worried about returning home. That is never normal.

You have gone from one abusive relationship to another. Different abuse, but still abuse. You need to let this one go and start working out why you think he was one of the good ones. Just from the little bits you have written your posts are screaming out red flags.

KomproMatilda · 11/05/2024 07:49

Were you an affair partner first? That would be a justifiable reason for them to hate you.

Anyway. Two weeks? Only two weeks away? How ridiculous of him to try to make you feel bad about that.

I couldn’t bear to feel so restricted by another person …

SheilaFentiman · 11/05/2024 07:50

@PeachLion the fact that you feel pleased you got the time to yourself with your son and you know he would have made that more difficult, not less, is something you perhaps need to sit with.

Has he shown any “nice” interest? Eg excited questions about what DS’s flat was like or what sights you have seen?

Nicole1111 · 11/05/2024 08:10

Unfortunately once you’ve been in one abusive relationship, you’re at a higher risk of entering another, mainly because your understanding of a healthy relationship is skewed, and because your self esteem is rock bottom after an abusive relationship. It’s also typical that even though you might think you’ve got a nicer partner, they are abusive, just in a more subtle way that is harder to spot. Your partner sounds controlling. It’s typical for an abuser to use sulking and the silent treatment when the victim does something they don’t like, and it’s designed to put the victim off doing things the perpetrator doesn’t like in the future, because it’s easier and less uncomfortable to keep the peace. It might help you to look at this picture to think about your current relationship, especially the using isolation section.

My boyfriend seems upset that I went away on holiday to see my son who is studying abroad
2024istheyearforme · 11/05/2024 08:12

yes unfortunately this is just another form of abuse x dont stand for it .. you have done great already but you deserve support

PBandJ111 · 11/05/2024 10:02

Not normal. He sounds awful. Ditch him.

Noseybookworm · 11/05/2024 10:03

OP he's a classic jealous and controlling man. He love-bombed you when you were vulnerable after leaving an abusive relationship and dealing with cancer - this convinced you that he was loving and caring. Controlling men often package their behaviour as caring or looking after you. The fact that he is jealous of other people in your life, including your children, is a MASSIVE red flag. He doesn't like it when you show any signs of independence. This is a bad relationship with a controlling man and you need to end it now. A decent man would encourage you to go and have a wonderful time with your son.