Is it ok to avoid someone who’s behaviour isn’t nice, even if they are like this because of past trauma?

[Whilstbabysleeps]

Is it awful of me to avoid someone who’s had quite a lot of trauma but because of this behave in a way that’s just not nice? Their attitude in life is to just shut up and put up with it. It’s not something I go by and it’s not something I want for my children. I’ve learned that this type of behaviour can come from trauma and from having to deal with life alone, so they think everyone else should to.

Ive suffered trauma so I understand you can learn unhealthy behaviour. Some of them though are just not nice or healthy to be around.

I don’t dislike this person but they aren’t too nice to be around.

I was in a toxic marriage for a long time previous. I felt sorry for him because he had a terrible childhood but he just couldn’t control himself. He was aggressive and violent at times. This particular family member is not that but they are completely emotionally invalidating. It has upset me in the past as it was triggering but now I just don’t really like being in their company.

In a few very recent threads there has been mention of trauma, mentally ill, ND, having affairs (king charles) as used for excuses for behaviour

No trauma does not excuse it

You don’t have to be around anyone, regardless of the reasons for their unpleasant behaviour.

Hi
Life can be miserable at times for most of us. If you can avoid the misery or reduce it, then avoid the person/s that are adding to the misery

When someone is not nice to me, I avoid them and if they do it the second time - I ignore them unless it was work-related and then keep it to a minimum

Having life traumas etc is no excuse to be nasty to others, fact!!

Yes it's ok to avoid anyone who is bad for you, trauma or no trauma.

I underwent serious childhood trauma. I long excused my parents knowing that my father himself had a trauma childhood - he’s 85 and doesn’t see it and won’t seek help and hasn’t. He has poisoned some many people - including my own children.

In your case it’s ok to walk away. Emotional abuse is fair harder to deal with as very often the abuser is able to twist the narrative. You can walk away.

Of course it is.

This. It doesn't matter if you are related to them, if they have noone else, if you have two kids with them, if you've been friends for 30 years - you shouldn't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. If you can tolerate it, and want to do so, and can do so in a healthy way that does not come at a detriment to you or others, then go for it. But that's actually extremely difficult to do (as opposed to popular opinion) and noone is obliged to do so.

Of course it’s fine - you need to protect your own energy above all else.

That’s the thing. This person isn’t nasty or abusive. But when you are around them you must not have any emotions. Don’t be sad, don’t say anything. Be happy, fake being happy. Don’t want for anything. I find it hard, I find I don’t say anything at all and leave their company finally breathing out.

No does not excuse bad behaviour. Had this with a friend last week. I dont need toxic comments or be in the firing line for it. Hope u ok

Do you have to see them? Is it a very close relative? I would avoid them as much as possible. I don't think it's healthy to spend time with people like that.

But being happy is an emotion.
Do you mean you want help with your problems and they don't want to listen ? To support you?
Is it a parent ?

@TammyJones you are only allowed to feel happy. You can’t feel a bit unwell, or tired. You can’t be annoyed that say your washing machine broke. You can’t be stressed because the baby won’t sleep. You literally can’t be anything. It’s really odd being around them. It’s like being with a robot.

I have been through a huge amount of trauma as a child. Things that would make your hair turn white. And when I was younger I treated petite terribly, but eventually it was pointed out to me and I raised that the bad things always happened to me and I was the common denominator. I got intensive therapy and spent a huge amount of time working on myself and I'm now a totally different person.

You 100% should not adore petite to treat you badly due to their past trauma. That's just an excuse. You 100% DO need to call them on damaging and harmful behaviours or they will continue to perpetuate the cycle. Not Evernote will get help and get better though, as that requires introspection and hard work and taking personal responsibility. Often petite can be so fucked yup they don't think they can do it so just carry on treating other potties lives apart. But that doesn't mages it ok. It's 110% fine to cut toxic People out of your life for good.

I think we have to remind ourselves that sometimes people are just not very nice. And trauma makes that worse, of course, but at heart they can be uncaring, carping, controlling or judgemental, just like people with no trauma.

Why do you think it's this person's job to validate your emotions though?

But what do you mean 'you must not have any emotions'? Do you mean negative emotions, if happiness is allowed? How is this enforced?

Surely you act however you feel and the person needs to deal with it?

I think it's harsh to write someone off as "not nice" because they're not providing the level of emotional validation you want when you know they can't do that because of their history.

You're basically describing having a trauma response to their behaviour and blaming them for the distress of your emotional flashbacks. That's not fair or reasonable.

Why does your response to trauma trump theirs?

Honestly I left someone because they couldn't see they needed help and had a history of repeating the same behaviours. He thought that he was dealing with things in his own way, but really just never reflected fully and blamed others. I gave the ultimatum that I wanted him to get therapy and he refused, so the choice was made. He's done exactly the same to the next woman and still can't see the pattern of behaviour is in him. I don't think he ever will get help and am happy that I didn't waste any more of my life trying to please a man determined to make his life miserable.

It is fine to see this in someone and say it doesn't fit in with what you want in your life. You can take a horse to water but not make it drink.

Yes. Always.

Who is this person? Because the past trauma is irrelevant - if being around someone is unpleasant and hard, you don't have to.

@Whilstbabysleeps

@TammyJones you are only allowed to feel happy. You can’t feel a bit unwell, or tired. You can’t be annoyed that say your washing machine broke. You can’t be stressed because the baby won’t sleep. You literally can’t be anything. It’s really odd being around them. It’s like being with a robot.

_\\

Still not sure I understand
Are you saying that they don't want you to 'moan' to them about your problems?
Are they upbeat and happy and don't want you pulling them down with negativity?

Op you get to choose who you spend time with. And I’m sure you extend that to everyone else. If anyone you love was telling you the above you would have no qualms telling them that. And it doesn’t matter if it’s family or someone you met 2 weeks ago. (We should have higher standards of kindness from those closest to us but that’s another thread)

It is very close family. It’s things like when we found out we were expecting I was thinking they’d be happy but it was nothing, when I had a previous miscarriage there was just nothing. Anything that requires emotion there’s just nothing. To be around them you have to feel nothing. When I was heavily pregnant and really struggling the person didn’t even mention anything, how are you, how you feeling, never got up to let me sit, never offer water etc. Afterwards there was nothing, no texts how are you. When you meet up it’s just surface conversation. I find this really difficult because everything you do is based on emotions and how you feel about something. For example I said I was upset about a hair cut I’d had done. Have it done once a year. They said don’t look in the mirror, why you looking in it anyway are you vein.

Comments like why you want that or why buy that it’s not a competition, who you showing off for. It doesn’t register it’s because I want to or it makes me happy to.