Is it ok to avoid someone who’s behaviour isn’t nice, even if they are like this because of past trauma?

[Whilstbabysleeps]

Is it awful of me to avoid someone who’s had quite a lot of trauma but because of this behave in a way that’s just not nice? Their attitude in life is to just shut up and put up with it. It’s not something I go by and it’s not something I want for my children. I’ve learned that this type of behaviour can come from trauma and from having to deal with life alone, so they think everyone else should to.

Ive suffered trauma so I understand you can learn unhealthy behaviour. Some of them though are just not nice or healthy to be around.

I don’t dislike this person but they aren’t too nice to be around.

I was in a toxic marriage for a long time previous. I felt sorry for him because he had a terrible childhood but he just couldn’t control himself. He was aggressive and violent at times. This particular family member is not that but they are completely emotionally invalidating. It has upset me in the past as it was triggering but now I just don’t really like being in their company.

But of course you can. You seem to be giving this person frankly ridiculous amounts of power over you. No one can stop you saying anything, unless they gag you! I mean, they can obviously be as robotic or unemotional as they want, but they don’t get to govern your moods or conversation!

If they're a close family member I think its useful to consider any consequences to other people if you avoid them and then weigh up if its worth it, or if you can find a way to cope with them. Because while the behaviour you've described isn't great, it's not necessarily intolerable if you lower your expectations of them. Sometimes making a big decision to cut someone out is the harder road to travel than just mentally and emotionally distancing in your own head while continuing to engage with them on the surface.

I know what you mean.

I have a relative like this.

She cannot cope with anyone expressing any emotion at all. If someone is upset or very happy or angry or expressing any emotion she will leave the room and or house if she can.

Meeting with her involves endless sitting around with cups of tea and going out to garden centres. She is happy to talk for ages about things she is interested in (history, crafting, politics) but not on a personal level. She doesn't have anything to say about anyone else's interests.

Tv is "common" films are no good these days and she reads a lot.

This.

Since my late 20s I have limited contact (and gone NC in some cases) with toxic, negative or dull people, and my life is infinitely better for it.

Still not making sense but.....
So this person / parent is critical.
Yes - avoid
Life is too short to be around such a joy sponge.
What ever their upbringing they have a choice how to act.
Leave them to it - guilt free.
Visit the 'stately home thread '
A lot of wonderful support there.

But those are this person’s issues — you can’t compel them to be glad for you, obviously, but their lack of obvious pleasure doesn’t get to determine your own delight in your pregnancy, or embarrassment at a bad haircut. Why are you letting another person’s lack of the response you would have liked take priority over your own feelings? Some people aren’t that emotional, but you’re not obliged to mimic them in their compsny.

@5128gap I could do a surface relationship. It’s not something I am used to doing I suppose.

@Octavia64 yes we can have a conversation if it’s completely non personal. I have tried to strike up conversations about planting veg as I’m trying and she is good at it. If I verge into making any recommendations or saying oh I’m no good at this then the conversation will end. She is not interested in saying things like have a go enjoy it for example, it’s practical or nothing.

@SpeakinginTongues I get that but I don’t like the put me down comments, I’m stupid for feeling this or that or what is wrong with you etc.

I literally don’t know what to say in their company. I find it hard to be in this situation. We are going away for a holiday with them and I’ve no idea how to be with them.

Although I can’t relate to the exact situation you’re describing @Whilstbabysleeps only having surface level conversations with family is not uncommon at all. There was a thread about it the other week.

I only have superficial, mind-numbingly mundane non-conversations with my family. I have the deep and meaningful conversations with my friends who are actually interested.

Maybe you need to lower your expectations of this person?

Of course it is okay to avoid someone.

I see what you are saying. They have shut themselves down and now they are asking, in effect, to shut yourself down.

No, you don't have to do this.

Yes because it critical and not nice - avoid - cancel the holiday.
Problem solved.

Whilstbabysleeps i think you can absolutely choose who you want in your life. Whatever reason is causing their behaviour. For me the only exception is one's own children, who need us while they are children.

Other relatives and friends, sure, it is great to continue friendships if you can but if this is impacting you and your life, you have a choice, and you can make it.

dreamfield "You're basically describing having a trauma response to their behaviour and blaming them for the distress of your emotional flashbacks. That's not fair or reasonable.

Why does your response to trauma trump theirs?"

I don't think the OP is blaming the other person. They are saying they cannot cope with it. The OP can choose what she can cope with in her own life. This is the OP's life, she can choose who to have in her life and who would rather not have contact with.

It's good to support others as best we can, but to do so we need to look after our own mental and physical wellbeing. You have your children's wellbeing to consider too. And it doesn't sound as if your presence does much/anything for this person?

Whilstbabysleeps "We are going away for a holiday with them and I’ve no idea how to be with them."

how did you come to be going on holiday with them? Is this them pressuring you or another person?

You don't necessarily need to go no contact. You could go low contact.

But that’s perfectly normal, surely? I have friends I’m fond of with whom I only ever discuss books or opera, never our personal lives. I have different friends if I want to explore my own emotional states. You’re trying to make someone who’s only comfortable with a certain type of relationship into a different type.

A friend of mine divorced another friend of mine a couple of years ago. The divorced party has discussed his sadness and frustration with me in detail, but the spouse who initiated the divorce has literally never mentioned how she feels about it. We go to the opera together, and only ever talk about music and architecture.

I understand having friends and having different shared interests with them.

The relative that I can only have surface level non-personal conversations with is my mother though, not a friend that I met through a shared interest.

She's interested in how I am to the extent that she wants me to be ok, but if I'm not ok (I am severely disabled following an accident) she does not want to hear about it.

When my kids (adult) are upset or angry or whatever I want to make it better and I try to help them. My mother leaves the room if they are upset or display any emotion.

It's a bit bizarre.

I know someone like this who keeps everything very surface level - nothing ever really means anything - very repressed emotionally. It’s quite hard to be with this person as I can’t really be authentic or myself but luckily I’ve found a modus operandi now.

@Stainglasses thats how I feel like I can’t be myself. They mock me really and play me down or completely pretend I never said anything. It’s very awkward. When there are important dates they should be around for they accidentally already booked a holiday. I can’t decide if they do it on purpose because they hate emotional events or it’s just a spite kind of haha you can’t rely on me.
I’ve never met person so emotionally repressed.

The msgs are the best. She will ask how something went but there will only ever be the 1st original msg never a follow up or a conversation. I don’t know why they ask. Eg first day back at work after mat leave. She will text how was your first day back. If I say I was a little anxious or this happened or that happened, never a follow up. Really I think she is looking for a it was great bye. It is what it is I suppose. I have to get use to it.

@Whilstbabysleeps
Op you are not answering the question (and of course you don't have to)
Maybe you just want to vent.
But you are in charge of your happiness
They sound awful and you can stop contact at any time.
You can choose to NOT go on holiday with them
If you do that that is on you.
There are people who have a trauma who are nice people.
There are people who have a trauma who are horrible
Once again, this is CHOICE

@TammyJones sorry it’s my MIL, I didn’t want to make it a MIL thread.

It’s like she keeps people at arms length unless they non family. She is happy to go out of her way for non family as it’s non emotional, it’s really odd.

Well this is very odd.

Why do you have any communication at all with this person? You don't get on, conversations are superficial and tedious for you, you obviously don't love her, so why go on holiday with her?

Is this your Mum and you feel obligation to keep flogging away at the relationship?

Just seen its MIL, so even odder that you have such a lot to do with her! Just don't contact her at all, your DH has a relationship with her, you don't have to at all. Just be civil on the occasions that you have to be in her company.

@BMW6 my partner really wants a close relationship with her with us all. I think he is looking for a connection also so keeps going and making lots of effort. I don’t want to let him down. It’s sad to see her keeping everyone at arms length and making us the problem for being too sensitive, too emotional about things.