Is it ok to avoid someone who’s behaviour isn’t nice, even if they are like this because of past trauma?

[Whilstbabysleeps]

Is it awful of me to avoid someone who’s had quite a lot of trauma but because of this behave in a way that’s just not nice? Their attitude in life is to just shut up and put up with it. It’s not something I go by and it’s not something I want for my children. I’ve learned that this type of behaviour can come from trauma and from having to deal with life alone, so they think everyone else should to.

Ive suffered trauma so I understand you can learn unhealthy behaviour. Some of them though are just not nice or healthy to be around.

I don’t dislike this person but they aren’t too nice to be around.

I was in a toxic marriage for a long time previous. I felt sorry for him because he had a terrible childhood but he just couldn’t control himself. He was aggressive and violent at times. This particular family member is not that but they are completely emotionally invalidating. It has upset me in the past as it was triggering but now I just don’t really like being in their company.

@Whilstbabysleeps
No need to apologise.
But knowing it's your mil it all makes sense now.
I too had a very difficult mil (trauma also)
I use ti make excuses for her because of that.
But in the end low contact was the only option
We kept an eye on things and we did love her - but healthy boundaries at all times.
And I'm so grateful that because of her I have my wonderful dh.

Well i do feel sorry for your DH, but he will realise in the end that you can't force closeness or a deeper connection with someone who doesn't want it.

It's sad but he's wrong to make you keep flogging this dead horse. He can carry on if he wants but why are you letting him make you? Just tell him enough, you will of course be polite and make small talk with her but won't keep pushing it.

Is it ok to avoid someone because.... absolutely!! You are a free adult. Whose permission do you think you need?

The problem seems to be that your DH insists on you all having a close relationship with his DM that never existed and never will.
But that actually is his problem. He can try to have a relationship with his DM but you don't have to!!

What have you learned about boundaries OP? You do not have to do things just to please your DH. If you feel uncomfortable around this cold inaccessible, unpleasant woman you should not feel forced to.

What do you want to do? What do you not want ? Get in touch with your own feelings because they matter. Speak up for yourself- noone else will.

Their trauma is not your problem. If we all went around taking into account every single person we know’s trauma nothing would work, it’s too much to take into consideration. Or in other words, why does her trauma trump everyone else’s, and don’t let her issues add to yours.

@BMW6 its sad for him. He and his sibling definitely have emotional issues and people pleasing. I did use to be a bad people pleaser also once. It is crap that she doesn’t want to really be part of us as a family and be close but it’s her loss. I’m pretty sure she has come to be like this as she suffered loss as a young child.

I don't care why someone isn't nice or has poor behaviour. If they're like that I just avoid them.

If they don't help themselves then why do they expect others to.

Trauma can have an impact on people behaviour but not your responsibility. It the person responsibility to seek support.

Lots of people have suffered trauma in their lives. That does not give them free rein to treat other people badly.

Anyway, yes it is absolutely fine to avoid people who are unpleasant to you.

I don’t think this person has any idea. They are who they are and I’m sure quite happy to keep us at arms length as they don’t want to be called upon for help or support. It works as we don’t.

You say she's not nasty or abusive but tbh she sounds quite nasty, going by a couple of your examples. Are you sure she doesn't just (sorry) dislike you?

Don't go on holiday with her. You don't have to. Let your partner cope. You'd probably both be relieved, no?

You're putting a lot on this person. As others have said, up to you to decide how much time to spend with them but I can't see anything wrong in maintaining a positive attitude.