Nc for this. Please help me see sense, i feel like i am going out of my mind and have no trust of my own intuition anymore.
I have been married 5 years. The first year included a short separation, second year was covid 2020 and 3 further temporary separations. 2021 we had a year of marriage counselling. Things were ok, though not perfect, til 2023 when we started to drift apart. So a pretty eventful relationship, we were together 2 years before marriage and we moved in together and got engaged after 1 year which in hindsight was I think too fast, I had a 4 year old DS from a previous r'ship and I didn't take caution at all. The thing is, I was pretty in love with DH or i would never have gotten married. However since the first 1-2 years of our relationship he had demonstrated extreme sulky behaviours including storming off or sulking on days out or meals out, storming off on holiday and threatening to get a flight home, sulking in front of my mum a few times. Also spending £££ at a stripclub after we had reconciled then gaslighting me because i was so upset about it.
We have always argued a lot, our personalities just seem to clash, though when we are good we are great. It sucks to say that a big argument trigger for us is my DS. He has often been harsh with him and i have disagreed with punishments, how he has spoken to him etc, laughed at him etc, and this always triggers him. He can't rein in his sulking in front of him. just a few months ago he announced 'i'm sick of both you' to us because he and I had argued about how he spoke to DS when he was upset. He is only 10 now. He should not have to deal with this, I know. The reason i have always gone back is because he loves him. He calls him 'daddy', doesn't know his real dad, and even though all he really does with him is drop her at school down the road or play video games, he is adamant he wants 2 parents together. He has heard us fight many times and does comment on it.DH also is a big gamer and doesn't show much of an interest in me, I do literally everything round the house except cooking, organise all holidays, all life admin, etc. He is very focused on his big career. i read something on here recently that some men struggle to have any mindset but 'work' and 'home' whereas other men can be like 'work, walk dog, take DS out on bike'. DH is definitely just someone who goes to work, gives it his all then comes home and has very little left. He is at his best on holidays but honestly thats the only time i see him genuinely happy.
Last year, I had an emotional affair because I felt so lonely. I felt like i spent a lot of my life walking around in a fantasy world, going round the house doing chores like a robot, or taking naps in the day, i got very into an online community just as escapism. This guy was the opposite of my DH. But even though I was in love with the guy, I broke it off and told DH (who would very likely not have found out) as I felt guilty and didnt want to lie and was prepared to work at the marriage. I planned him a beautiful birthday weekend, a geat Christmas, i wrote him little notes, tried to be more affectionate. But since then DH has been very overtly angry towards me. When we argue he is spiteful, he swears at me and tells me I'm ruining his life, I make him feel suicidal etc. He says however we shouldnt get divorced as it will 'ruin' DS's life. And I am too scared to go through with a divorce, even when things are horrific. We even separated for a couple weeks again earlier this year. He will never get over my EA - which is totally fair enough - and yet he blames all of our issues on me and now i am questioning whether our relationship was actually great and i just ruined it. We havent had sex in almost a year which is my fault, I dont feel attracted, he does initiate but often it just touching my boobs which doesnt work when I'm not in the mood, then he gets angry we dont have sex.
Well, I am with DS now at my sister's house on a planned visit at the other end of the country and my sister and mum have been counselling me to take this opportunity to leave DH who they can't stand for the way he has treated me. They have helped me find a local school for DS, a nice rental, and will support me in any way. However, there must be some residual love for DH and our life because I am really struggling to make a move. I can't talk to DH about any of this, on the phone, or in person, because I am afraid if I go back with DS (or alone) i will either feel too guilty/sad or we will have more arguments. So I am just avoiding him. Surely in a marriage you should be able to communicate at times like this. I've told countless lies to DH to avoid arguments/conflict and I am still doing it. But I'm scared I will regret it, that DH is generally an OK guy and I will be alone. That DS's life will indeed be ruined. I feel like I have lost my ability to make decisions, like my brain is mush. I'm embarrassed my family are having to tell me what to do, I am late 30s. DS is not in school, he is asking when we are going home, DH is getting more concerned why we are not coming back. And a big part of me wants to go back, today. I miss my home i have made so nice and my cat and I still feel some of this residual love (or something) for DH that is making it so hard to let go. The idea of my entire life changing is so terrifying.
Yet I know that DH and I will never fix these underlying issues. We both have tempers, he is a sulker like his dad, he is clinically depressed, he wants another baby and I don't (with him, not sure if I would otherwise and I dont want to miss out on the chance if I do), I feel like my worst self when I am with him. I also feel like coping with our problems made me lose my ability to develop my career or be a good parent. i am in a stagnating job and always tired and unmotivated. Thats not me, before I met him i went into banking and got a promotion within a year and wrote a play that was performed in a city theatre! Nothing like that since I have been with DH. But he is a really great provider for all of us and works hard, he makes me a coffee on the weekends, he never really says no to things I suggest, he does love me I think. despite everything. He can be so sweet/funny, and I feel affection towards him but it's more like a friend. I dont want to lose my friend. But I do want attraction, connection, conversation, peace. I want DS to have a happy home.
Why do I feel like this? i dont know exactly what i am looking for. Maybe just a hand hold. I need to take action but I feel paralysed and i dont know if that means it's not right.