Phew

[Serendipity2121]

My husband has gone away to see him poorly mum today. He had disappointing news he didn’t get the job he really wanted which would mean promotion for him.
he brushed off his disappointment .
I know he shares his thoughts with guys from work, so I did nosy on his messages to see what he said.
as thought some friends were asking if he’d got the job.
there was a message with a mobile number, no name .
it was clear my husband had arranged to meet someone on a trip away. The messages were about my husband saying he was waiting in his car on the street and for this person to text their house number.
he told this person he was wearing stockings and suspenders and asking for them to “just take control of me”.

I felt so sick

in the past my husband has met guys, mostly guys who dressed in female clothes, some transvestites and some cross dressers…. At this time we broke up , but eventually got back together and he said it wouldn’t happen again, we even got married.

now 7 years later I,m sitting on the floor in my bedroom , I’m now 62, feeling very foolish, sad and feeling like a mug and worried for a future.
I think my shame of his past, led me to act as though it didn’t matter and I hid away so now no friends to share this with

The title really threw me, I thought there was going to be a happy ending.

Sorry you're going through this.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This is awful.

You know he is not a safe partner for you.

This is not his first rodeo.

I hope you realise you deserve so much more than this.

Sadly, there is probably a happy ending somewhere!

OP, he will have been doing this secretly since he promised you last time he would stop. It's forbidden and exciting. I bet if you search the loft, garage, etc., you will find a stash of clothes. Do you love him? Can you tolerate him meeting these people? It may be he likes being dominated and the feeling of powerlessness, and there is no sexual contact, except maybe a happy ending. Or is it full-contact sexual services? I would be cautious and get some health checks carried out for your peace of mind. Confrontation and anger won't stop this, but understanding and support and gentle conversation will hold your marriage together if that is what you wish to do

Thank you
there isn’t anything physical between us not since I found out 7 years ago .
I’m not angry but numb
I just feel , I’ve had enough and I’m feeling very foolish for believing him and I feel a bit of a puppet living

OP - with respect - what sort of marriage do you think you've had for the past 7 years?
If I get your timeline right - you were dating. Then it transpired he had his dalliances with transvestites. You break up. Then get back together and get married. And, stop having sex.

Now it's 7 years later and he has arranged to meet someone for sex.

Your marriage is not based on a physical relationship, not for the past many years. I am guessing your H is bi and is quite happy with the setup. You have been Ok with the setup as well. You knew he is bi. You also knew he is a sexual person. Did you really assume he became celibate 7 years ago?

You say you are worried about the future. I am guessing as a man in his 60s he is quite used to his dual life. Respectability with you, occasional off-piste experiences.

And it seems that you don't have to have a physical relationship with him anyway. Does it then really matter to you if he did his thing discretely?
And you continue to have a life you do?

You can, of course, divorce. But personally, at 62 - if the rest of my life with him was comfortable and fun and gave me most of what I need - I'd just enjoy life.

Hi Saha
my partner had insisted he wasn’t up to anything
so yes this has been a shock , as I believed him..stupidly I can see that now.

I appreciate your replies
but feel silly now as I can see this is no surprise , just I buried my head in the sand didn’t I?

thank you

OP, if he promised he was not going to continue with his previous lifestyle then he has lied to you and has probably never changed his ways.
Your relationship has been sexless, did you never wonder about that in light of his past involvements with men?
Now you have seen the proof you can decide what you want for your future. If you feel unable to stay with him then for peace of mind divorce and go your separate ways.

@Serendipity2121, have you confronted him about this betrayal ?

no I haven’t told him yet as he is away visiting his mum
also it’s his house I live in so I’m working out the logistics
as the first thing he will do is go mad that I looked at his Apple Watch messages while he was away
he was a detective so he can wriggle his way out of things and make me feel the baddy

OP - you are married - and the house is a marital asset. At 7 year marriage - it's not necessarily 50/50 yet, but if lived together before marriage - it'll be considered a long marriage - and in that case half of the house is yours.
So - you don't need to end up homeless.

But going back to your marriage. I think - head in the sand is exactly what happened. He promised to you to stop his extra marital pursuits. He may even meant it at the time.
But realistically - if sex then disappeared from his marriage - something had to happen.

Are you sure what you want to do? Is being on your own better than just continuing to live the way you have been for a long time already?

If you do not have sex with him - why do you care what he does with his body on some (it seems) rare occasions?

I certainly understand the advantages of not breaking up a home and continuing to live as you have done.

But at age 62 (you haven't said how old he is), either one of you could develop health problems in the not very distant future, and it seems to me that his activities may be adding extra risk. (I suppose it would be the same if he were sleeping around with women.)

I think one of the considerations as to what you decide to do should be whether you want to wind up looking after him in later life, which could happen. Or whether you would want to depend on him for your care, which could also happen.

Hi
the sexless marriage was not my choice, my husband said his bits and bobs didn’t work
so eventually I moved into my own room, as I still had healthy desires and sleeping next to him was like torment as he wore no clothes in bed,
so I moved out of our bed as I was sad he wouldn’t try to be intimate . You’re right, alarm bells rang but he assured me that life was past.

the house is my husbands he has owned it before I met him
snd yes I am aware at 62 and 64 my health may one day decline and I will be on my own

but at this moment knowing he’s lied, and I’d given up a physical life and been considerate thinking his bits didn’t work…… at the moment I feel a mug,

I hear many say stay with him , which is what I did after I first found out he’d cheated and I put that behind me and worked on us

and now I feel an old fool for believing him

I’ve wasted valuable years of my life

Im sorry to hear that you are going through this. You may have wasted 7 years, but you can control the fact that you dont waste any more. Maybe it's time to get your ducks in a row and divorce him.

Thank you

as the days have gone on , I realise I can afford to live on my own now but in 5 years when I retire my state pension is £175 per week .
I’ve explored ways to live off that , which is doable to pay for utilities and food but does not cover anything to save for everything else ir incase my boiler breaks down or something goes wrong in my house , vets bills and other unexpected things( I know there will be no luxuries, my car will have to go, and clothes on an if needed basis)

so staying and not saying anything is feeling like an option today

Do you not work ?
if not, how long is it since you worked ?

What about a private pension - have you not paid into one ?

Why will you not be receiving the full state pension ? it's £221.20 according to Google.

and if you won't receive the full state pension, surely then you will be eligible for Pension Credit to ' top it up ' ?

There is a website called ' Entitled to ' that you can put all your figures into and it will estimate what you will/can receive.

Serendipity, if you live alone when you are retired you can claim housing benefit, pension credit and all sorts of other things, nobody has to exist on state pension alone. I know about this because my cousin and a good friend both live comfortably in that way. Do please find yourself somewhere else to live, it doesn't have to be grand but safe and easy to look after. It is possible.

You are not happy with this man and you are not yet old! I think you would be more comfortable on your own, with your pet. You'll find you have a new lease of life.

In the meantime, while you are looking, take good care of yourself and if you are able to squirrel away even a little money for yourself, do so.

Better things are ahead.

Hi yes i do work
I have had my pension estimate from Gov.uk
i do have a nest pension, which will be £6,900 when I retire as I only worked part time until 4 years ago
, when I first married 41 years ago only the men took pensions out and it’s only been more recently I have contributed to the nest pension which will be a small windfall.
thank you
I will check out the website Entitled

Thank you 🙏
I will go back to the Gov.co.uk website .
my idea is to save, save,save and , I know this isn’t good, but I intend to take advantage of his generosity with “hopefully” leaving .

I know it’s not old, I definitely don’t feel old as I’m fit and a lot younger looking for my age .
but it’s society’s idea about over 60,s

im glad it’s sunny at the moment it charges the batteries, keeping me busy, while I work things out 😀

I couldn’t care for him as I’d have recently had to care for him after he broke his leg

Please don't stay for the sake of money. You're married so you will be entitled to part of the house and his pension when you divorce.

Let this be a stern lesson, one again, to women reading MN to please, please get a private pension. So many women say they can't afford it. YES YOU CAN! Even £10 a month is worth putting into a pension. I'm only 5 years younger than you OP and paid into a pension as soon as I started work. Anyway... that horse has bolted now...

Please find out everything that you're entitled to, state pension, UC, half of house, half of his pension... how long have al you actually been together? You say a 7-year marriage but were you together for long before then?

You cannot continue to live this half life with a man who's been so deceitful. I hope you find a way to get away from him.

Hi
sex didn’t disappear from his marriage, he lost his interest very early on saying his bits didn’t work and he wasn’t interested in looking to rectify this and I thinking this was true could not makes things worse for him.

Hi
I have just gone back on the GOV site, todays pension £221:20, is what I will be entitled to at 67, so basically each year it goes up until 2029, is how much I will get. Won’t be entitled to pension credit, but it’s looks better .
yes heinsight is a great thing , and previously my first husband and I planned our future retirement based on his pension forecast, sadly he died.
the house is my husbands he bought it many years ago
his private pension has already been taken out as he officially retired at 53 having been in the forces .

No yet

I checked again and you are right, if I retired now since this April pension is £221:20 no pension credit possible as it’s to make up any shortfalls if pension less

thank you 🙏 as it made me look again and feeling more positive 😀

Thank you for that idea of Putting more money aside now for the nexts 5 years which can be used to top up my monthly pension.
that feels more positive , Thankyou 😀