Phew

[Serendipity2121]

My husband has gone away to see him poorly mum today. He had disappointing news he didn’t get the job he really wanted which would mean promotion for him.
he brushed off his disappointment .
I know he shares his thoughts with guys from work, so I did nosy on his messages to see what he said.
as thought some friends were asking if he’d got the job.
there was a message with a mobile number, no name .
it was clear my husband had arranged to meet someone on a trip away. The messages were about my husband saying he was waiting in his car on the street and for this person to text their house number.
he told this person he was wearing stockings and suspenders and asking for them to “just take control of me”.

I felt so sick

in the past my husband has met guys, mostly guys who dressed in female clothes, some transvestites and some cross dressers…. At this time we broke up , but eventually got back together and he said it wouldn’t happen again, we even got married.

now 7 years later I,m sitting on the floor in my bedroom , I’m now 62, feeling very foolish, sad and feeling like a mug and worried for a future.
I think my shame of his past, led me to act as though it didn’t matter and I hid away so now no friends to share this with

The new state pension is £221pw if you have the fill 35 contributions. You could top up some recent years, if you have gaps, before you reach state pension age. Depending on income and assets you can also apply for Pension Credit to top your income. Maybe talk to Age Uk or CAB to get more information before you make a decision on your future.
Sorry you're in this situation and you've been lied to for years. It must hurt. I suspect your husband could have AGP tendencies.

Also if you think you might divorce consult a lawyer to get an idea on the split of assets such as the home, savings and any pensions you both have. If hes ex police he's likely to have a decent pension built up.

Hi
thank you, I have rechecked and saw from April it has gone up. I also went on the government website for my entitlement in 5 years and it quoted the 2024 full amount so guess I will get the full 2027 amount .
I’ve been given some good practical ideas which are ironing out my pessimistic thoughts of how from 2027 things could be

we have our own savings and he gets a monthly pension which he started to get before we met, so I don’t think I can have a claim of that .
to be honest, I want to do this on my own without his financial help.
plus I am not sure if I can get the marriage annulled as there was nothing physical between us once we married .

sorry, showing my ignorance what are AGP tendencies ? 😀

There are no assets , he bought the house before I met him and he had his own ideas on the decor ect. I only recently managed to pursuaded him to part with some furniture to make way for something we both like .

now guessing there may be an eminent if guilt in that, but that’s me guessing 😀

It might be worth your while having an appointment with a solicitor to see what would be realistic on divorce. Gather all the info you can ref his pension, savings etc. then at least you will have more information.

Personally the thought of keeping the new knowledge quiet for the next five years would be difficult to contemplate.

Sorry to read this. I would be devastated. Gay affairs are actually far more common that people realise. I don't know if men married knowing they were gay and suppressed their urges. Or did something.ething turn them gay after they married. I feel widespread use of porn has caused men to lust after men as with porn you need to do something more extreme to get chemical hit. My theory anyway.
Bottom line is he is cheating and you have every right to walk away.

I don’t intend to wait 5 years, just time to sort my head out and work things out .
🤗

I believe it is the danger and the buzz he gets .
I think the kick in the teeth , is he has been off work for a few months as he broke his leg ,
seeing each other daily, and we had a few family events, I thought we had become closer.
I had even hinted about the past and joked I wouldn’t know if he’d given that life up, he assured me he’d do nothing to risk our marriage , I did say then that if he let me down after saying nothing would happen , that I would have his balls and take him to the cleaners because I have given up a basic human need for him

If you were to go down the annulment of marriage route, rather than the divorce route, it is very possible you won't receive a single penny.

Altho a divorce costs money to achieve it, there is a very good chance you will receive £ from the house.

It doesn't matter that it is his house, the minute you got married you gained rights.

I would ask for 50/50, don't expect to get it but hey maybe you will - but you should at least get a % !

Where are you going to live, how will you put a roof over your head ?

Where were you living before your marriage ? or have you been living with him for years and years.

You must get advice from a solicitor. When he bought his house and how he claims his pension isn’t the whole story.

You planned your life based on shared resources with him. You will be entitled to some of those resources.

Otherwise instead of looking after him, you could have been lining up a toy boy or making bigger pension contributions!

Don’t be all noble. He was the one who cheated and lied over a prolonged period of time, refused intimacy with you, denied you the chance of a full relationship with someone else.

I'm 61 and what you say about pensions is absolutely correct.

Take time to think about what you want to do OP. There's no rush is there?

Hi
thank you
I am not rushing
especially since I found this out by snooping at his phone , he will be so angry I invaded his privacy that he will use that as the main issue and he will use that as cards to be the victim in all this . ( not that I am saying I am a victim, which I am not)
so I am scared as to how I tell him what I found out about his trip .

You could say nothing, nothing at all.

You can truthfully say you don't feel the marriage is working, and thus you wish a divorce.

Sorry he is doing this to you OP. That kind of behaviour would make me physically sick and I don't think I could stand for it. Do yourself justice and leave him, doesn't sound like he's into women and is clearly wasting your time while he plays dress up with other men (as done before). Wishing you the best OP.

You don't have to give a reason to divorce now. Also don't forget to ask for a share of his pension as well as the house.
Also what happened to your first husbands pension? Did you get a cash lump sum? If not it might be worth using one of the government pension services to try and find if there is any money out there.

That’s an idea
he died 30 years ago but had different jobs from being 18, we were married 10 years before he died .
I’ve no idea how to trace anything now as can’t remember who he worked for . 😞

This might be a place to start www.gov.uk/find-pension-contact-details there are also private companies who will do free searches but I presume will want to be paid from any pots you find. I'd start with the government services first

Are you not entitled to some of the house? Some of your husbands pension or savings? You need to see a solicitor - sorry you are going through this.

Depending on how your accommodation circumstances are once you are free, you might want to see if you want to take in a lodger? You can rent out a room and not pay tax if the amount is £7500 or less annually. If your total lodgers rent is more than £7500 per year you'd pay tax on the balance. That amount is after expenses. I've included a link below which will, I'm sure, make more sense. 🌹

www.gov.uk/government/publications/rent-a-room-for-traders-hs223-self-assessment-helpsheet/hs223-rent-a-room-scheme-2024

so far I can only see options to look for our own pensions but but not a deceased spouse xx

Thank you 🙏

My AGP ex-H also used the excuse that things "weren't working down there". The translation of that is that things "weren't working down there for you". They most certainly were working for other men, cam-men and porn sites, in my case at least - and sounds like that is also the case for yours.

I'm so sorry OP, its a horrible place to be, and feels like a double betrayal.

I hope you are able to find a way forward that is best for you.

Thank you
yes it does feel like a double betrayal as it sounds like you know

@Serendipity2121
This is information on tracing a deceased person's pension if it's a SERPS addition state pension using his NI number..

Can't believe the posters suggesting 60 is over the hill and to stay in the marriage for security. 60 is the new 40, some of us work full time and more, along with helping with grankiddies and enjoy having sex at least 3 times a week. I'm 65 later this year and plan on working as long as I can because I enjoy it.

Really feel for you @Serendipity2121 his cheating us nothing to do with you. He's used you to provide himself with the cover of respectability and no doubt a domestic appliance.

I really hope it workout as you deserve so much more. Start saving heavily and at the same time carve out an active life for yourself filled with hobbies and interests so when you leave you'll have a good support network and hopefully meet someone to spend your life with in a loving relationship.