Can my marriage still be saved?

[Nullia]

Sorry it's long. Hoping for balanced advice...together 6 years, got married last year, currently 5 months pregnant with our first child. I'd say we have a very loving relationship, although we argue, mostly because DH has a temper and can go off on small things if in a bad mood.

We went to a playground with DH's niece, 3.5 years. I was watching her climbing and securing her, when she slipped and was about to fall down, I grabbed her and lifted her down, twisting my belly a bit and it was painful for a moment. DH started screaming if I'm crazy, running around like a madman, repeating 'I can't believe this' and how could I have done this. Obviously it wasn't an ideal movement at 5 months pregnant, but the child was about to fall down.

I told him that this reaction is not ok by any means. We went home, I was fighting back tears. At home he said he 'could have reacted better' but was scared. But he still insisted that I made a mistake in lifting her, that she wasn't about to fall (she clearly was, and he wasn't close enough to witness the situation) and that I'm trying to blame a child for my poor decisions. At this point it got a bit too much for me, I started to cry and I looked on the website of a hotel nearby because I felt I needed space and didn't want the situation to escalate further, for the sake of me and my baby. I agree that this wasn't my best move and DH wasn't shouting anymore at this stage, he was calmly reiterating his point that I made a mistake. I quickly closed the hotel booking site again, realising that this is not the right move. But he had seen what I had looked at, said that 'kicking him out' is a red line (I never intended to ask him to leave, I would have left, if it had come to that), and packed his bag. He said he's sorry that it had to end like this, but that this is one of the things he can't accept in a marriage, and that he would get in touch in a few days time to collect the rest of his stuff and discuss starting divorce proceedings.

He then stood in the doorway. I was shocked but calm, explained to him that I was just looking for space for one night, but that I will respect his decision. After no reply from him, I went back in the bedroom (because I couldn't keep my calm facade up any longer).

I came back an hour later, he hadn't moved. I asked him if he wants to come in and talk, he said no. I asked him if it would make a difference if I apologised, he said he wouldn't want me to. So I left him there again.

After another two hours, I just broke down, I went back to him, cried, asked him to give us one more chance for the baby's sake, and that I was sorry. He said he doesn't want to see me so upset, and came in and made me a cup of tea.

We went to bed in silence this night. When he came home next day, he was frosty but polite. No silent treatment, he asked me if he should make dinner for us. I tried to start a conversation about what happened, but he said we can't keep talking about this (we did talk a fair bit the night before in the doorway, to no avail other than me looking at a hotel is a red line for him, and me saying that it was because of his reaction earlier, which really hurt me). He said that neither one of us will have changed their mind, and that we can't have the same argument again now. He asked me to let it go. The rest of the evening was quiet but frosty, we talked a bit about mundane things, but we are both clearly hurt.

I'm at a loss about what to do.... part of me feels like saying to him, he made his decision that this marriage is over, so he should leave now. But then again I don't want to bite my nose to spite my face. I am/used to be happy in my marriage and I have a baby on the way.
But I also don't see how I can come back from this now, firstly, I'm still hurt by what he said and did, but even more importantly, where's the point if he has decided that he wants out of this marriage. If it was a case of different opinions, we could (and normally do) say 'ok, let's agree to disagree and move on because we both value our relationship more', but I can hardly say 'Ok, you want a divorce and I don't, let's disagree and continue living as a happily married couple'.

Please help...my mind is a mess!

@IhateSPSS After I put her down, I did put my hand on my belly and sat down, he came over to ask what was wrong, and I said that I felt a sharp pain when I twisted it, and that it was an uncomfortable movement.

How can you think this when he’s so abusive?

honestly, I’m surprised he’s not a 12 year old girl with a touch of the drama llamas. The fact he’s a grown arse man with a pregnant wife is beyond shocking.

id be sitting him down and telling him that’s the last fucking time, or he will be out.

and this is no way the first time he’s been a complete wanker.

Sadly abuse often begins when the woman is pregnant as they think you are now trapped. Not at all surprised that this side of him is coming out now.

You know that how he behaved is not normal, right? If he was so concerned about you or the baby, he'd have not blown up at you and caused this fight to go on for hours - stressing you out and making you upset. Because stress is not good for the baby, it could cause you to go into early labour. The baby can certainly feel and react to what you're feeling, so him escalating things and behaving how he did was abusive in the extreme in my opinion and far more harmful to your unborn child than you reacting to catch your niece and straining yourself a little.

As another poster pointed out, him standing in the doorway for 3 hours is deranged. That was designed to keep you upset, beg for forgiveness, put you in your place. Make you want to walk on egg shells going forward since he will threaten to leave.

There is no way in hell that I would have apologized to him in this situation. He was 100% in the wrong.

His 'red line' and threatening to end the marriage was because you were looking at a hotel (which was perfectly justified since he was being a complete moron)? Your red line should be that you won't tolerate this abusive behaviour and allow him to put your unborn child at risk by creating such a toxic environment.

I would quite literally be laying down the law here and making it clear that if he ever spoke to/behaved like that toward me again that the marriage indeed would be over. This is your red line. I would revoke the apology since you hadn't done anything wrong and make it clear you're not catering to this crap again. If he wants to threaten to end the marriage ---> there's the door and good riddance.

I can't even believe he carried on like that. Pregnant women need extra kindness and care. He's a real piece of work...this isn't going to get better. I'm sorry OP.

I know you're probably not going to leave right now and may not even feel like you can (you can though. It would be hard, but you can). But please at the very least, flag what people are telling you here and remember it. Don't sweep his actions under the carpet or try to explain them away. See it for what it is and eventually...you will have had enough. And we will be here to help you.

I appreciate the support...it helps me to find my anger at his behaviour, so far I mostly felt overwhelming sadness that we've ended up at this point.

OP, he sounds absolutely unhinged. What on earth was he on about?

This is an insane overreaction from him to the initial non-event and then he just keeps getting worse and worse the more the story goes on.

He's controlling and not who you think he is.

Normal people do not act like this.
Normal people do not browbeat their partner over trivial matters like this.

Who the f does he think he is to act this way?

You've had a lot of good advice on the thread from people who are a few years further along the same road you are on, please listen.

Your pregnant. You are not a delicate flower. It's okay to lift a toddler unless you have been advised by a doctor not to. It sounds like you just moved funny. He's being dramatic.

I think his behaviour was abusive. He got the control he wanted and now he wants things brushed under the carpet. Abusive behaviour often starts in pregnancy. If you stay or go it's up to you but I predict this escalating.

He's using this event as a proxy and as 'something to blame' for him wanting to leave the marriage.
Translation- he's making it YOUR fault that he's had to call time on the marriage. He's probably got his head turned by someone else.
Kick him out. Manipulative man.

He's never done this before because he never had you "trapped" before. It's so much harder to leave when there's a baby in the mix. It'll only get worse.

Now you're pregnant, you're vulnerable so he feels like he can dictate and threaten you with divorce so that you'll bawl and whimper and beg for another chance. Thus proving that he has the power.

My ex really ramped up the emotional abuse when I was pregnant with my second. I'm only now getting out 8 years later, it's been a long road but looking back I can now see the warning signs when I was pregnant.

That's a lot of drama over nothing. I couldn't be arsed with any of that.

If you really believe this relationship is worth saving then find some counselling asap.

Typical abuser, he has decided now you’re pregnant to start threatening to leave you. Next time he makes that threat, and he will, you need to make it a reality or this will be going on for years.

Yeah I wondered that too.

Realistically, you have three options:

1). Suck up the fact you married a loser and keep going with the marriage as it is. Divorce a few years down the line with a few more kids thrown in the mix. End up bitter and full of regret you didn't do anything sooner. (Obviously do not recommend this option).

2). Split now, amicably.

3). Go to couples therapy together, try and make it work. If it works out, that's great. If not, revisit options 1 or 2.

So he stood in the doorway for three fucking hours waiting for you to come sobbing to him? Fuck him OP, He's a massive fucking twat.

He shouldn't say marriage ending things if he doesn't mean it. He's controlling you. He's laying the groundwork now so that no matter what happens in the future, you will be too scared to book a hotel for a night. If you need space, you need space. I've only ever had one argument so bad that it resulted in me staying away for a night (and that was with DC). I was seriously refelcting on whether to leave my DP. If he had told me that taking that space was a red line, the decision would have been made.

very normal for abusive behaviour to start during the partner's pregnancy, I'm afraid. I would tell your midwife at your next appointment - not necessarily to get you out of the situation but she will be able to point you towards a lot of resources (as I say, this pattern is one she'll have encountered before), and it's a way of documenting the situation.

Sorry you are in this position. He sounds horrible.

I can second this. I was with DP for ten years with no trace of abuse. As soon as I was pregnant he started slowly but quietly controlling me. I thought he was scared for the baby, but no, it was just the start. Two years post DC and he was regularly screaming at me, calling me names, kicking me, pushing me out of the way, belittling me at every turn. Why? Because he knew, deep in his fucking stupid male abuser heart, that pregnant women are vulnerable and will not leave unless they absolutely have to.

He's a manipulative bully. Look at what he's done. Totally overreacted to the park incident, totally overreacted to the hotel booking website, told you he was leaving but didn't actually leave because what he actually wanted was for you to plead for him to stay. Now he's got you apologising to him and dancing to his tune.

Yes but you were never pregnant before. Now you are he thinks you will put up with any old shit he gives you and he is testing the waters, being an abusive twat and then making YOU apologise. Red flags all over the place. If we had an argument like that and dh spotted me on a hotel website he'd have been so upset and aplogetic for forcing me to that.

OP I suggest you confide in someone in real life.

Presumably sorting out the disagreement means that he was right and you were wrong though, eh?

Don't show zny emotion just say yes I think you should go as soon as possible you are making me ill. Let him suck on that. He will be much much worse once you give birth.

It's clear that he had been looking for an excuse to lose it with you and this happened to be it.

I missed the bit where he had stood in the doorway for three hours. What a pathetic arsehole.

He has really pulled a fast one on you. If you want to stay with him tell your parents and tell him you told them. Tell him if he pulls any of that shit ever again, any of it, he will be gone and you’ll tell everyone why. Stamp it out right now before it escalates.

He overreacted. He could have acknowledged that and apologised but instead he has very much made it your fault and your problem.

He is threatening to leave. Again he is making that YOUR fault.

Sorry OP but someone who behaves like this cannot be a good partner. He is setting out how differences will be dealt with - you will apologise and get upset and he will threaten to leave and punish you until you are compliant.

I agree with @Diycheater let him know you won't stand for this bullshit and let him move out. If you apologise and ask him to stay this will happen again.

Op I was in a very abusive marriage for 11 yrs. Dated for 4 & didn’t have mumsnet. recently I recalled the first really significant physical abuse…driving 110 mph while I was 32 weeks pregnant. It started then. This is a physician driving his wife and unborn child. I always trigger with these postings immediately thinking…there is someone else. I’m sorry but I want to say please be aware it’s NOT NORMAL to threaten to leave a marriage/baby over this argument about the park. Echoing previous posters…is this an excuse to get out and get with someone else? Standing in a doorway implies being captive/ without escape.. it’s physically abusive. He’s using his body. enjoy your soon to be newborn and be very mindful of his treatment of you and if it deteriorates please hold at one baby. You can leave easier with one baby. Another pregnancy another child will RAMP him up. This was my experience. I’m great now so be strong be protective of yourself and baby and BE CAPABLE of leaving if you need to.