Can my marriage still be saved?

[Nullia]

Sorry it's long. Hoping for balanced advice...together 6 years, got married last year, currently 5 months pregnant with our first child. I'd say we have a very loving relationship, although we argue, mostly because DH has a temper and can go off on small things if in a bad mood.

We went to a playground with DH's niece, 3.5 years. I was watching her climbing and securing her, when she slipped and was about to fall down, I grabbed her and lifted her down, twisting my belly a bit and it was painful for a moment. DH started screaming if I'm crazy, running around like a madman, repeating 'I can't believe this' and how could I have done this. Obviously it wasn't an ideal movement at 5 months pregnant, but the child was about to fall down.

I told him that this reaction is not ok by any means. We went home, I was fighting back tears. At home he said he 'could have reacted better' but was scared. But he still insisted that I made a mistake in lifting her, that she wasn't about to fall (she clearly was, and he wasn't close enough to witness the situation) and that I'm trying to blame a child for my poor decisions. At this point it got a bit too much for me, I started to cry and I looked on the website of a hotel nearby because I felt I needed space and didn't want the situation to escalate further, for the sake of me and my baby. I agree that this wasn't my best move and DH wasn't shouting anymore at this stage, he was calmly reiterating his point that I made a mistake. I quickly closed the hotel booking site again, realising that this is not the right move. But he had seen what I had looked at, said that 'kicking him out' is a red line (I never intended to ask him to leave, I would have left, if it had come to that), and packed his bag. He said he's sorry that it had to end like this, but that this is one of the things he can't accept in a marriage, and that he would get in touch in a few days time to collect the rest of his stuff and discuss starting divorce proceedings.

He then stood in the doorway. I was shocked but calm, explained to him that I was just looking for space for one night, but that I will respect his decision. After no reply from him, I went back in the bedroom (because I couldn't keep my calm facade up any longer).

I came back an hour later, he hadn't moved. I asked him if he wants to come in and talk, he said no. I asked him if it would make a difference if I apologised, he said he wouldn't want me to. So I left him there again.

After another two hours, I just broke down, I went back to him, cried, asked him to give us one more chance for the baby's sake, and that I was sorry. He said he doesn't want to see me so upset, and came in and made me a cup of tea.

We went to bed in silence this night. When he came home next day, he was frosty but polite. No silent treatment, he asked me if he should make dinner for us. I tried to start a conversation about what happened, but he said we can't keep talking about this (we did talk a fair bit the night before in the doorway, to no avail other than me looking at a hotel is a red line for him, and me saying that it was because of his reaction earlier, which really hurt me). He said that neither one of us will have changed their mind, and that we can't have the same argument again now. He asked me to let it go. The rest of the evening was quiet but frosty, we talked a bit about mundane things, but we are both clearly hurt.

I'm at a loss about what to do.... part of me feels like saying to him, he made his decision that this marriage is over, so he should leave now. But then again I don't want to bite my nose to spite my face. I am/used to be happy in my marriage and I have a baby on the way.
But I also don't see how I can come back from this now, firstly, I'm still hurt by what he said and did, but even more importantly, where's the point if he has decided that he wants out of this marriage. If it was a case of different opinions, we could (and normally do) say 'ok, let's agree to disagree and move on because we both value our relationship more', but I can hardly say 'Ok, you want a divorce and I don't, let's disagree and continue living as a happily married couple'.

Please help...my mind is a mess!

This. Please consider your next moves carefully. You really don't want this kind of life for your child.

I don't for a second think he was going to leave. He was manipulating you (successfully, since YOU ended up apologising!).

By the way when mothers are pregnant with their second child they lift toddlers all the time.

Jesus h Christ, most people take on any argument relayed on here seems to be MAN IN WRONG! MAN ABUSIVE! MAN GASLIGHTING! Etc. my personal take on what I read from @Nullia‘s post was “pregnant and accidentally twanged belly, husband panics and over reacts, guess what ladies, husband is human, he cared for his wife and unborn child enough to get scared for their safety, yes reaction was over the top, but he realised that and said sorry. Op I get you wanted space, hormones can make you feel more upset during an argument, the sofa or spare room for one of you would have been a better call than a hotel, again husband had feared the worst and over reacted, he probably hadn’t gotten over the previous incidents of the day.

please ladies remember, not every man spoken about on mums net is an abusive, controlling narcissist, it’s a wonder anyone has a long term relationship these days as the first thing everyone shouts is leave the bastard

Jeez, he’s awful! Find your anger & kick him for real!

He's horribly abusive and has been vile to you. His behaviour is so far from normal that it is clear he must have been like this for so long that you can't see how utterly manipulative and toxic he is.

Looking at a hotel room is a red line for him?

Screaming at your pregnant wife. Making her cry. Telling her she was 'blaming a child for her poor decisions'. Threatening to leave (with no real intention of doing so) and saying he will divorce you. Stonewalling. Silence. Refusal to actually have an adult conversation.

All of this are HUGE red flags. It won't get better. No, your marriage can't be saved. He's far too abusive.

my personal take on what I read from @Nullia‘s post was “pregnant and accidentally twanged belly, husband panics and over reacts, guess what ladies, husband is human, he cared for his wife and unborn child enough to get scared for their safety, yes reaction was over the top, but he realised that and said sorry. Op I get you wanted space, hormones can make you feel more upset during an argument, the sofa or spare room for one of you would have been a better call than a hotel, again husband had feared the worst and over reacted, he probably hadn’t gotten over the previous incidents of the day.

Maybe you ought to carefully read the actual post instead of jumping in with your "personal take."

OP stated:

DH started screaming if I'm crazy, running around like a madman, repeating 'I can't believe this' and how could I have done this. Obviously it wasn't an ideal movement at 5 months pregnant, but the child was about to fall down.

This was not concern. It was a completely over the top reaction to a minor incident. Apparently something he does quite regularly since OP also stated he often gets in a mood over minor things.

I told him that this reaction is not ok by any means. We went home, I was fighting back tears. At home he said he 'could have reacted better' but was scared. But he still insisted that I made a mistake in lifting her, that she wasn't about to fall (she clearly was, and he wasn't close enough to witness the situation) and that I'm trying to blame a child for my poor decisions

He didn't actually apologize...he made a brief reference to how he could have reacted better but then completely negated it by still attacking OP, telling her she was in the wrong. And also in the process showing complete disregard for the safety of his toddler niece.

Who is he to determine that a pregnant woman can't lift a toddler? Pregnant women lift their older children all the time. And especially in a situation where the toddler is in your care, protecting her from a fall was the only acceptable response to the situation. Many women run and even work out during pregnancy. Who does he think he is to dictate what OP should or shouldn't do?

The entire encounter is abusive and the way he really ramped it up when OP finally needed some space and the doorway thing just proves it.

🙄

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-68942471 Maybe one of the charities here can help. His behaviour is abusive and controlling.

Threatening to leave your pregnant wife is very, very serious. An absolute last resort in an argument, if say you'd done something utterly terrible (like drinking to excess, or cheating on him, you know - properly terrible.)

It's hard to compute that he got so dramatic, then so manipulative, over a small disagreement.

Only once you went back to him crying and apologising did he bend. This was the heart of the manipulation and control.

I think you probably know that you wouldn't have written this on MN if it wasn't very serious.

I hope you can find a neutral third party, ideally a therapist, to talk to. I wish you the very best

I read an article on the BBC. Like an hour ago.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-68942471.amp

This charity support the abuser and victim BEFORE their child is born.

Please read this!!!

There is also another thread about this very BBC report on another board which is worth reading:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5070179-bbc-article-on-domestic-violence-family-based-solutions-why-is-it-making-me-uncomfortable