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Original poster

I've been a bitch

74 replies

Catunderling · 07/05/2024 11:52

I have an absolutely precious DP.

I've been having cancer treatment. The side effects are hard and I haven't felt well in nearly a year. He's been amazing. Just before we met I had moved for work so none of my close friends or sister are nearby. Many are abroad so I have had remote support but haven't actually seen many people.

It was my birthday and my present from him was a knitted hat to cover a large bald patch from radiotherapy. A cashmere one, genuinely well intended but plain and, well, it looks like that's its intended purpose rather than a lovely hat. I am ashamed and appalled to say I lost it verbally (didn't call him any names, it was about how I felt) and threw a cup he bought me on the floor (not at or near him, he wasn't in the room).

I feel so awful, guilty, abusive, unappreciative.

I just didn't want a fucking knitted hat for my birthday to cover my massive bald patch, I wanted a day off from this shit. It's horrible timing because even if things go well, there's a good chance it means I'll never be a mother now which I've always wanted (late 30s). I don't know if I'll be able to see through the career change I moved away for. i really don't feel at home in the area we are in.

None of this is his fault and I feel so awful and such a burden. He said he didn't know what else to get me (I have sent loads of suggestions, and am quite easy to please). Money isn't a problem for him within reason so it isn't that he could only afford the one thing.

Even the hat is my fault, I'd mentioned getting one a few weeks ago when it was cold and id started losing hair but I got used to it and didn't mean for my birthday.

I have apologised. How do I make this up to him? I know how badly ive behaved.

OP posts:
Icanhello · 07/05/2024 15:01

And for what it's worth someone who sees you through illness is a keeper. Someone who leaves when you're weak is not. I've learnt both the hard way. But I wrongly assumed because I was the ill one, he was fine, when actually he was stumbling too. We needed a falling out to realise that. It sounds like he loves you a lot. I'm sorry it's hard.

Original poster
Catunderling · 07/05/2024 15:05

Yeah absolutely no bad intentions involved in buying the hat. I accept that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catunderling · 07/05/2024 15:06

Icanhello · 07/05/2024 15:01

And for what it's worth someone who sees you through illness is a keeper. Someone who leaves when you're weak is not. I've learnt both the hard way. But I wrongly assumed because I was the ill one, he was fine, when actually he was stumbling too. We needed a falling out to realise that. It sounds like he loves you a lot. I'm sorry it's hard.

He is a darling. I try to show support and find out what he needs, it's not easy for him either. Hope you're better now x

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 07/05/2024 15:08

It's lucky he didn't give it to me given the circumstances or he would have needed a splint for his broken nose.
Woolly hat my arse - sensitivity of a brick.
Best wishes for your recovery.

fettybord · 07/05/2024 15:12

Icanhello · 07/05/2024 14:54

Oh I can help here, although I'm not going into specifics.
You have been a bit of a bitch BUT I think it stems from fear and and anger and frustration.
He's scared too though, his life has changed, and he's probably not allowed to say as you're the 'ill' one (I've been you).
I think the hat is irrelevant, really, but I think you need to navigate how to work through this terribly difficult period. And it's really hard in a relationship, maybe one of the hardest things you'll go through.
Sit down, talk about it, say what you're both afraid off. Literally everything.
You can do this, but you need open communication.

This!

Polishedshoesalways · 07/05/2024 15:15

Op you poor love, you are going through so much. How about you forgive yourself for being completely human and show yourself some compassion. That is a shit load of stuff to go through and are still go through. Ofc you are going to snap. Can you move back? Get more support like a counsellor where you are?

Pinkbonbon · 07/05/2024 15:16

If there's one thing men know, it's ego. So I'm not buying that he wouldn't know that gift that drew ops attention back to her physical insecurity was a shitty idea for a birthday gift. If he'd even put a modicum of thought into it that is.

Either he's a fucking idiot who needed a good bollocking for being so insensitive. Or for some reason it was a deliberately hurtful gift.

But all this 'men don't think like us' shit. Nah. Men have empathy. They are perfectly capable of putting themselves in other people's shoes. Especially for special occasions. I'm not buying he's this dense tbh. I'd be wondering if he had prior form for fucking up special occasions.

If not, if its a genuine hair brained mistake, then you don't owe him any apologies. He owes you one.

GerbilsForever24 · 07/05/2024 15:23

Yes, you overreacted.

yes, it was a crap present and he could have done better.

Yes, it's not okay that when you are upset he sulks because apparently his "intentions" were good.

Also yes, he's probably having a tough time and taking on a lot as your carer and therefore making mistakes.

I would start to get very twitchy if he didn't accept your apology though.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 07/05/2024 15:34

I’m sorry you’re unwell.

However he has taken a lot on for a new relationship. Most people would not be this patient or agree to becoming a carer so early in a relationship. What happens if he throws in the towel? You sound like you rely on him a lot. So maybe try and be kinder to him and appreciate all that he does.

Quitelikeit · 07/05/2024 15:39

You know him so go from there! Ironic how he knows you but bought you the wrong thing so how are we supposed to know what to get him to show him you are sorry

I think you are v lucky to have him. I think his gift was thoughtful (I mean beyond a Ferrari or Caribbean holiday what gifts are exciting?!)

Take him to his fav restaurant, sporting event tickets? Fav bottle of wine?

Original poster
Catunderling · 07/05/2024 15:42

Quitelikeit · 07/05/2024 15:39

You know him so go from there! Ironic how he knows you but bought you the wrong thing so how are we supposed to know what to get him to show him you are sorry

I think you are v lucky to have him. I think his gift was thoughtful (I mean beyond a Ferrari or Caribbean holiday what gifts are exciting?!)

Take him to his fav restaurant, sporting event tickets? Fav bottle of wine?

This isn't what I'm asking. It isn't about buying something in return.

OP posts:
loverofalmonds · 07/05/2024 15:44

Catunderling · 07/05/2024 13:11

I do feel that way, the isolation is rough and I hate being so reliant on someone relatively early but to be fair I met him after moving so it's in no way down to him.

Show quote history

how long has. you actually been with him?
do you live together?

Eastie77Returns · 07/05/2024 15:49

Or from a different perspective: “DP has cancer. I’ve been trying to think what I should get him for this birthday. He did mention a few suggestions and also recently he said he was freezing and would really like a hat. I’m fortunate enough to be in a good financial position so I bought him a cashmere hat. He was angry, verbally abusive and said he didn’t actually want a that and I should have got him one of his other suggestions. I should have read his mind. He also threw a cup to the floor in fury”

MN: “LTB. These are huge red flags. He’s gaslighting you after specifically telling you he wanted a hat. OP, please leave before the violence escalates because today he’s thrown a cup at the floor and tomorrow he will be throwing it at your”

Except of course when the sexes are reversed and a female has behaved as above, it’s the man at fault.

Original poster
Catunderling · 07/05/2024 15:50

loverofalmonds · 07/05/2024 15:44

how long has. you actually been with him?
do you live together?

Show quote history

Yes, for a couple of years

OP posts:
loverofalmonds · 07/05/2024 15:51

Eastie77Returns · 07/05/2024 15:49

Or from a different perspective: “DP has cancer. I’ve been trying to think what I should get him for this birthday. He did mention a few suggestions and also recently he said he was freezing and would really like a hat. I’m fortunate enough to be in a good financial position so I bought him a cashmere hat. He was angry, verbally abusive and said he didn’t actually want a that and I should have got him one of his other suggestions. I should have read his mind. He also threw a cup to the floor in fury”

MN: “LTB. These are huge red flags. He’s gaslighting you after specifically telling you he wanted a hat. OP, please leave before the violence escalates because today he’s thrown a cup at the floor and tomorrow he will be throwing it at your”

Except of course when the sexes are reversed and a female has behaved as above, it’s the man at fault.

failure to mention cancer in your analogy

loverofalmonds · 07/05/2024 15:51

what has work been like OP?

Original poster
Catunderling · 07/05/2024 15:54

loverofalmonds · 07/05/2024 15:51

what has work been like OP?

I'm off at the minute thanks to a complication of surgery and radiotherapy. It's a neuro issue so I do a lot around the house but not couldn't do my job

OP posts:
Eastie77Returns · 07/05/2024 16:02

loverofalmonds · 07/05/2024 15:51

failure to mention cancer in your analogy

Show quote history

First line of my post reads “DP has cancer..”

Does being ill mean it’s ok to mistreat your partner?

DeeCee7 · 07/05/2024 16:05

ringmybe11 · 07/05/2024 12:04

This is interesting to read as I've interpreted this as him trying to be thoughtful particularly if it's something that was mentioned recently. I could be wrong

Show quote history

I read it that way too. But this is mumsnet.

loverofalmonds · 07/05/2024 16:06

Eastie77Returns · 07/05/2024 16:02

First line of my post reads “DP has cancer..”

Does being ill mean it’s ok to mistreat your partner?

Show quote history

i missed that apologies

the OP behaved poorly and her response was concerning and if i was a friend of the DP, I would be concerned for him and how this kind of reaction may escalate

BUT

the op was suffering with something very serious and obviously her birthday has assumed big importance to her. And he ignored her list and then claimed he had no idea what to get.

So i get her frustration
but her response was unacceptable

loverofalmonds · 07/05/2024 16:08

no one local aside from your DP?

How did you actually celebrate your birthday?

loverofalmonds · 07/05/2024 16:09

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usernamealreadytaken · 07/05/2024 16:13

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/05/2024 12:09

This is interesting to read as I've interpreted this as him trying to be thoughtful particularly if it's something that was mentioned recently. I could be wrong

OP had given him lots of suggestions of what she (assuming you're a she, OP, apologies if not) would like. It's not THAT difficult to remember, is it? and TBH, I;'d have thought anyone with a partner going through a tough time would be careful to get them something to take their mind off it, not remind them about it; particularly something like hair, which is an integral part of a woman's appearance.

OP had also told DP she would like a hat, as her head was cold. DP bought her a what he probably thought was a lovely cashmere hat, which was a caring thing to do.

loverofalmonds · 07/05/2024 16:17

This reply has been deleted

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MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/05/2024 17:11

OP had also told DP she would like a hat, as her head was cold. DP bought her a what he probably thought was a lovely cashmere hat, which was a caring thing to do

She casually mentioned a hat a few weeks before. She also has told him a lot of things that she'd like; but for some reason he ignored all that and bought the hat. At the very least he's not putting a lot of thought into this, is he?