I've been a bitch

[Catunderling]

I have an absolutely precious DP.

I've been having cancer treatment. The side effects are hard and I haven't felt well in nearly a year. He's been amazing. Just before we met I had moved for work so none of my close friends or sister are nearby. Many are abroad so I have had remote support but haven't actually seen many people.

It was my birthday and my present from him was a knitted hat to cover a large bald patch from radiotherapy. A cashmere one, genuinely well intended but plain and, well, it looks like that's its intended purpose rather than a lovely hat. I am ashamed and appalled to say I lost it verbally (didn't call him any names, it was about how I felt) and threw a cup he bought me on the floor (not at or near him, he wasn't in the room).

I feel so awful, guilty, abusive, unappreciative.

I just didn't want a fucking knitted hat for my birthday to cover my massive bald patch, I wanted a day off from this shit. It's horrible timing because even if things go well, there's a good chance it means I'll never be a mother now which I've always wanted (late 30s). I don't know if I'll be able to see through the career change I moved away for. i really don't feel at home in the area we are in.

None of this is his fault and I feel so awful and such a burden. He said he didn't know what else to get me (I have sent loads of suggestions, and am quite easy to please). Money isn't a problem for him within reason so it isn't that he could only afford the one thing.

Even the hat is my fault, I'd mentioned getting one a few weeks ago when it was cold and id started losing hair but I got used to it and didn't mean for my birthday.

I have apologised. How do I make this up to him? I know how badly ive behaved.

Beat me to it! These responses are nonsensical but sadly typical of this site. OP, don't give yourself too hard a time, I can see why you felt upset. However, ignore the posters who are saying that this shows a 'red flag'. It doesn't.

OP I feel for you and can't imagine what you're going through.

But OMG some of these comments. MN has a core of hysterical females who just love a good man bashing and waving of imaginary red flags.

Give the guy a break. He honestly thought he had done good. On reflection given her reaction he will feel bad that he got it wrong but a little perplexed. She has already said he is amazing and by her own admission overreacted but hey why let that fact get in the way

Not sure what the deletions are but thanks all for advice. We've talked and hugged and accepted apologies on both sides properly and actually seen the funny side in a convoluted way ( not of my response, I am still extremely ashamed of my behaviour).

I have accepted the hat in the spirit it was meant, put it away for now and DP has said he would like to get something else unrelated to current circs. I didn't include as it sounded petty but it felt particularly shit as it came straight out of the plastic envelope so not even like a present. However I am very lucky indeed to have him (he feels the same) and I think this has highlighted we can't let things get between us in addition to everything going on.

I do have access to Macmillan counselling so I think I'll ring and see if I can discuss this tomorrow as throwing things in temper is not fine, and I would like to see what they say about managing these emotions.

She has cancer and the gift was insensitive. It's no surprised she over reacted. I think the reaction would be similar if it were a man wbo had cancer writing this. The context you've left out is important.

I like it when my dp buys something that I casually mentioned I would like to have - it shows he was listening to what I said and thinking about me. I could imagine someone wanting to get a surprise rather than unimaginatively picking from a list. And thinking that a cashmere hat was high-quality and might make their partner feel better about their appearance. I could imagine making a similar mistake to this.

But this is no good: It's like this anytime we argue (not often) he thinks because his intentions aren't bad, it doesn't really matter how things land.

My ex always used to say "but I didn't mean to..." instead of an apology - often when he had been blatantly, unpleasantly inconsiderate.
Another thing I like about my dp is that he apologises with no ifs and buts even if he didn't mean to put me out (and even if he couldn't help it - e.g. if his bus was late). He says things that show he understands exactly why I might be annoyed. It's nice to feel understood. I leave the conversation thinking what a great guy he is.

Good that you've made up OP but maybe you could have a chat at some point about how great it is when a partner acknowledges and accepts your feelings.
Show him this article if he is ready to admit he could tackle things differently.
Also point out that the hat will now just remind you of your argument and make you feel bad about yourself. Perhaps he could return it?!

You do realise there's a difference between the anger and strength of a man verses a woman?
You need to pull your head out of you arse if you don't.

Glad you seemed to have sorted it out.
You definitely weren't being a bitch and it sounded like a crap present, but even more so under the circumstances.
Hope the treatment goes well x

That's harsh. A well intended gesture that doesn't land as intended is NOT a license to respond however you wish. Unless you're perfect, doing that means accepting the same rules when you're on receiving end.

Its potentially excusable to react harshly prior to realizing the intention, because as you say nobody has a crystal ball, but once you realize then its prudent to apologize and make good. A genuine apology should make some allowance for emotions, and cut the offended a certain amount of slack if they remain upset.

Anything else just seems very unreasonable between people who say they care about each other :-s I've had some quite interesting results with such tactics, creating a space for both people to acknowledge their understanding of each others emotions and their own overreactions

He isn't my carer. He does a lot and my illness has caused a big change but I still do a lot for him.

Some of the responses here are baffling. Poor bloke. I'm sorry to hear you're unwell but No one owes you a good birthday present. Sometimes you might have good presents, sometimes you won't. It is never, ever ok to throw a mug and start an argument because you've received a present you don't like. Take responsibility for what you want - you're not a child. If for your birthday you wanted to have a nice day out or something specific then you need to organise it. Your boyfriend isn't a mind reader.
Honestly if I were him i'd leave, apology or not.

Thanks x

how did you celebrate your birthday?

or was it derailed by hat-gate?

Bit derailed if I'm honest plus I wasn't feeling well but we're going to try and do something at the weekend

Yeah my DH would have got me the hat because he would have seen it as helping me. He is genuinely a loving person but struggles with gifts.

I know you are having a hard time OP but tbh you sound like you need to sit down and have an honest chat with him about how you feel and why you lost your shit.

Also, I’m going to be really brutal here, you are just dating and it sounds like he’s gone above and beyond caring for you and I think you are being a bit ungrateful really. None of us are perfect.

All the posters blaming DH need to give their heads a wobble. How he is at fault baffles me , he’s been supporting and caring for you during your treatment , you mentioned you wanted a hat so he brought you one and you abused him for it. Just apologise to the poor man , don’t push him for a apology because I don’t think he needs to give one and move on

This might not be how it is but...

Imagine a M/F couple where the woman has been and continues to be very ill. The man has tried to do everything and more for the woman and, although he knows the woman is the one with the life threatening struggle, he is frankly struggling too. Her birthday comes round and, although she suggests various things, he decides to go for something practical. She is very OTT in her reaction and, although he knows he got it wrong and he knows some of the venom was the illness talking, he is exhausted and resents the strength of the woman's reaction.

If there is any truth in that description, you need to recognise it and use it to help you both get back to a better place

Hi OP,

Sorry you're going through all this. It's a really shit time and inevitable that you're not going to be your best self. If you and boyfriend learn to navigate your way through it then it sounds like you've a winning recipe for the future.

I've been through it myself and my relationship now is unrecognisable from the very strained one that it was at times during that dark period.

I'm very glad you've made up and wish you all the best.

I think that we have all at some time received a present that was not what we wanted, for whatever reason. As we have also probably got it wrong in selecting a present to give to someone. Mostly people on the receiving side will normally just express a polite thanks and maybe never use the gift.

When someone genuinely thinks that they are buying a special gift, they may get it wrong, but they do not deserve anger in response. A kindly explanation of why the gift was maybe not the most appropriate is the better response.

had he actually planned anything beyond the hat?

i don’t think anyone is blaming the DH

but pointing out that he said he has no idea what to buy despite a list

pointing out that the OP says that in arguments she always is the one apologising and made to feel her fault

Well he is trying to make you feel bad by being off but accepting he was wrong. He should have got you a hat just because. With all your suggestions you have let him know he should have put the effort in. Who wants practical for birthday, especially when you are going through this.

I don't think he was wrong at all. You'd said you wanted to get a hat so he thought he'd surprise you with one rather than just buy something you'd outright asked for. To me that is much more thoughtful than just picking something off a list.

I don't know why anyone would think your OH is at fault here, the hat is cashmere for goodness sake and you just chucked it across the room. I would be so hurt if someone did that to a gift I'd specially picked out.

I'm so glad you've been able to make up and laugh about it now though, that's the right thing to do. Don't feel guilty, you're having a really shit time and sometimes it's just all too much and everything seems wrong. I hope you have a lovely weekend together.

Cancer or not if someone threw a mug I bought and also shouted at me for giving them a present I'd be walking out the door.
You specifically mentioned it earlier so he probably got you something he thought you wanted.
You should've just said you changed your mind about the hat but thanks anyway for thinking about me and left it there.

Give me strength. I’m sick of this silly trope on MN that violence perpetrated by a woman against a man (I’m not saying the OP was violent) is less serious because women are weaker.

If a woman throws a glass bottle at a man is that less dangerous than the other way around because a man has a “stronger throw?”Both actions could result in the victim losing an eye, permanently scarred etc.

And since when is there a difference between the anger of a man vs a woman.
I don’t even know what that means. Women are not capable of feeling or expressing as much anger as men?

Anyway, seems OP and her other hold made up so all’s well.